It's amazing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
It's amazing
As I have been reading through tons of posts, I have realized how amazing it is that the A in our lives has said or done so many of the same things! It's probably the one thing that sticks out in my mind right now. We are not alone.
I have experienced the "sex" thing. He drank because we didn't have enough sex. It was my fault he was drinking because we weren't intimate enough. He felt excluded and alone because we didn't have sex enough.
Once alcohol was banned from my house, he had lots of errands to run. He had to work late more. He would order out and want to pick up instead of delivery. He said it was faster. Then he would leave really early to pick it up and be gone for a long time....the bar was across the street. He would always be offering to pick things up for me....and then take hours to do it.
He had to drink because I wasn't caring enough. He had to drink because I didn't give him enough attention. Because I didn't understand what he was going through. Because he had a bad day. Because he had a good day and needed to celebrate! Because the kids argued with him or back talked him. Because his knees hurt(arthritis) and nothing else helps the pain. Because he was having a hard time sleeping and drinking helped him to get to sleep.
The days he was supposed to pick the kids up and was almost always late or "forgot" to pick them up and I had to leave work to do it. Then he would come home drunk.
He only had 2 beers. That's it just 2 beers when in fact it had been 3 or 4 times that much.
The ruined family meals with his slurred speech, aggressive or just plain annoying behavior. Like sitting at the table with the fork in his hand twirling it and twirling it with his eyes closed through almost the whole meal!!
The ruined holidays where he either got so sloppy drunk he was just disgusting or just drunk enough that he was slurring and annoying or the fake happy drunk that was just stupid and not fun at all for anyone.
Edited to add: repeating themselves over and over again. Forgetting what was just said or done. Getting mad when told that they are doing it. Like it's anyone's fault but their own!
These are my experiences and just some of them but as I read through lots of posting, I saw exact or similar behaviors being talked about from others. Their should be a list of these things in those charts or whatever that say you are an alcoholic if you:
I have experienced the "sex" thing. He drank because we didn't have enough sex. It was my fault he was drinking because we weren't intimate enough. He felt excluded and alone because we didn't have sex enough.
Once alcohol was banned from my house, he had lots of errands to run. He had to work late more. He would order out and want to pick up instead of delivery. He said it was faster. Then he would leave really early to pick it up and be gone for a long time....the bar was across the street. He would always be offering to pick things up for me....and then take hours to do it.
He had to drink because I wasn't caring enough. He had to drink because I didn't give him enough attention. Because I didn't understand what he was going through. Because he had a bad day. Because he had a good day and needed to celebrate! Because the kids argued with him or back talked him. Because his knees hurt(arthritis) and nothing else helps the pain. Because he was having a hard time sleeping and drinking helped him to get to sleep.
The days he was supposed to pick the kids up and was almost always late or "forgot" to pick them up and I had to leave work to do it. Then he would come home drunk.
He only had 2 beers. That's it just 2 beers when in fact it had been 3 or 4 times that much.
The ruined family meals with his slurred speech, aggressive or just plain annoying behavior. Like sitting at the table with the fork in his hand twirling it and twirling it with his eyes closed through almost the whole meal!!
The ruined holidays where he either got so sloppy drunk he was just disgusting or just drunk enough that he was slurring and annoying or the fake happy drunk that was just stupid and not fun at all for anyone.
Edited to add: repeating themselves over and over again. Forgetting what was just said or done. Getting mad when told that they are doing it. Like it's anyone's fault but their own!
These are my experiences and just some of them but as I read through lots of posting, I saw exact or similar behaviors being talked about from others. Their should be a list of these things in those charts or whatever that say you are an alcoholic if you:
Last edited by kemarus; 08-27-2008 at 11:51 AM.
Rediscovering myself
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 231
He had to drink because I wasn't caring enough. He had to drink because I didn't give him enough attention.
Codie: (vacuuming the floor)
A: (unplugs the vacuum)
Codie: (gives the A 'the look' and plugs the vacuum back in)
A: (unplugs the vacuum again)
Codie: (plugs the vacuum back in, not looking at the A)
A: (unplugs the vacuum for the third time)
Codie: STOP IT!!!
A: See THIS is why I have to drink! You're always yelling at me! (goes to get a drink)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
That is too much!! I don't think I've had that one. I'm glad you shared it. I thought it would be great for us all to put some of this down in writing and see how similar our stories are. Also, it's a great resource for those who aren't sure their A is an A! There are way too many similarities for it to be a coincidence. It's also a reminder to us all that someone understands what we go through.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
I had such a bad day and 'justaboutus', you just gave me the biggest laugh! I hope you don't think I'm laughing at you or your situation, I sympathise, believe me! It just never ceases to amaze me the things A's do to have the excuse to go drink! You think you've heard it all - then hear another.
kemarus - thanks for this, makes me feel not so alone! 90% of what your A did or said, so did mine. Amazing!
Wishing everone a peaceful evening...
kemarus - thanks for this, makes me feel not so alone! 90% of what your A did or said, so did mine. Amazing!
Wishing everone a peaceful evening...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Yup. In or so many ways, our stories have interchangeable parts. To one degree or another we have all been through the same hell. And yes, that does give us a bond.
The other, and in my mind more important, bond we share is the commonality of our stories and experiences as we learn how to survive, grow and recover from our own issues and problems.
We struggle to believe in our ability to survive without the A in our life.
We struggle to detach with love and continue to live with the A in our life.
We struggle to understand our own issues, why we choose to live as we have lived, and take responsibility for our own part in the lives we have been living.
We struggle to begin our own recovery and live lives that make us complete, with or without the A in our lives.
I love this place because I get such understanding, knowledge, support from others like me trying to find my way to a better future. I find so much inspiration from everyone in looking forward rather than back.
The other, and in my mind more important, bond we share is the commonality of our stories and experiences as we learn how to survive, grow and recover from our own issues and problems.
We struggle to believe in our ability to survive without the A in our life.
We struggle to detach with love and continue to live with the A in our life.
We struggle to understand our own issues, why we choose to live as we have lived, and take responsibility for our own part in the lives we have been living.
We struggle to begin our own recovery and live lives that make us complete, with or without the A in our lives.
I love this place because I get such understanding, knowledge, support from others like me trying to find my way to a better future. I find so much inspiration from everyone in looking forward rather than back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: London
Posts: 219
[QUOTE=Barbara52;1888038]
We struggle to understand our own issues, why we choose to live as we have lived, and take responsibility for our own part in the lives we have been living.
QUOTE]
Barbara thanks, this really hit home, a real biggie at the moment
We struggle to understand our own issues, why we choose to live as we have lived, and take responsibility for our own part in the lives we have been living.
QUOTE]
Barbara thanks, this really hit home, a real biggie at the moment
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Rainbowsend 
Originally Posted by Barbara52
We struggle to understand our own issues, why we choose to live as we have lived, and take responsibility for our own part in the lives we have been living.
It was a biggie for me when I understood it too. I had been looking at myself as a victim of my xAH, that he had done X, Y and Z to me. Then I saw that yes, he did those things BUT I also allowed him to do those things, I chose to marry him knowing he was an alcoholic, I chose to enable his being unemployed for half our marriage, I chose to allow him to plant the seeds of selfdoubt and I chose to allow those seeds to be nourished and proper. I took responsibility and started working on my own codependency while let go responsibility for his behaviors and choices. It was quite liberating.
Always Hopeful
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: californication
Posts: 50
These are some of the things I heard and saw:
Stand offish behavior
Losing keys, wallet because he was to drunk to remember where he put them
Forgetting conversations, things said, promises made
Alcohol helps me relax because work is stressful
I need to drink just to get through a conversation with my mother
I only drink to help me sleep
I have a cold and the alcohol helps with the sore throat and the cough
My back hurts and the alcohol dulls the pain
I am getting deployed soon and I am saying goodbye to all my friends, so i drink every night
I am deployed and I miss home and so I drink every night
I just got back from deployment and I am happy to see everyone, so I drink every night
Stand offish behavior
Losing keys, wallet because he was to drunk to remember where he put them
Forgetting conversations, things said, promises made
Alcohol helps me relax because work is stressful
I need to drink just to get through a conversation with my mother
I only drink to help me sleep
I have a cold and the alcohol helps with the sore throat and the cough
My back hurts and the alcohol dulls the pain
I am getting deployed soon and I am saying goodbye to all my friends, so i drink every night
I am deployed and I miss home and so I drink every night
I just got back from deployment and I am happy to see everyone, so I drink every night
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
kemarus,
I also have noticed the similarities, and it is a bond for us. I love reading the posts from the "oldtimers", and look forward to the posts that make me a little uncomfortable, because I know it is those that I am probably learning the most from.
I had a scary, eye-opening experience recently that made me realize how much I have lost trust in myself. I smelled natural gas in the home, told AH, he grumbled that I was dragging him around to smell something that wasn't there and I believed that I was the crazy one. Next day, pilot light is out and sure enough it was gas I was smelling. Thankfully everything was okay and we survived a day of cold showers. A friend of mine (a TRUE friend, not just one who says what I want to hear) gave me the what-for about putting us all at risk, and how I was in dire need of some therapy because I am giving AH all the power......to the point of endangering my family.
Not to ramble, but your post made me think about what a great place this is, and how finally getting to know others who are walking in my shoes has been a godsend.
I also have noticed the similarities, and it is a bond for us. I love reading the posts from the "oldtimers", and look forward to the posts that make me a little uncomfortable, because I know it is those that I am probably learning the most from.
I had a scary, eye-opening experience recently that made me realize how much I have lost trust in myself. I smelled natural gas in the home, told AH, he grumbled that I was dragging him around to smell something that wasn't there and I believed that I was the crazy one. Next day, pilot light is out and sure enough it was gas I was smelling. Thankfully everything was okay and we survived a day of cold showers. A friend of mine (a TRUE friend, not just one who says what I want to hear) gave me the what-for about putting us all at risk, and how I was in dire need of some therapy because I am giving AH all the power......to the point of endangering my family.
Not to ramble, but your post made me think about what a great place this is, and how finally getting to know others who are walking in my shoes has been a godsend.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
You know what I have noticed? The similarities in us Codies! I read over and over stories where the writer articulates exactly how I behaved for 18 years. I never knew I was following a script that others have followed before me. This awareness is helping me in my recovery because I can also read the stories from people further along than me and see that they are now happy, functioning, sharing, living and loving...I want that too!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Chrysalis123
You know what I have noticed? The similarities in us Codies! I read over and over stories where the writer articulates exactly how I behaved for 18 years. I never knew I was following a script that others have followed before me. This awareness is helping me in my recovery because I can also read the stories from people further along than me and see that they are now happy, functioning, sharing, living and loving...I want that too!!
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Concise list of reasons alcoholics drink or don't drink
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
You are right, the behaviors of our A's are the same and so are our behaviors. I never realized it until I started reading here and attending Alanon. I thought it was just me! I didn't realize I had so many triggers and that my reaction to them was what other people went through. Some of mine are:
He offers to make dinner and wants me to relax after work: the sound of the beer can being opened and me counting each one and getting more anxious as I hear it.
Calling his cell phone and getting no answer: Instant anxiety because I know that he is not answering because he is in a bar or somewhere else drinking and won't answer the call
Having him call me to tell me he is being sent to another job or on an errand for work meant that he was at the bar and didn't want to stop drinking or was headed to the bar
Blankets or towels covering the case of beer in his car whenever we had to use it. We mostly used mine because his was a work vehicle. The beer was always there because as soon as he was done a job, the first beer was cracked open.
Knowing that when he walked in the door, if his "pain" walking was exaggerated (he has arthritis in his knees) that meant he was drunk. He always said he was having a harder time walking from the pain that day and it wasn't drinking.
He wasn't drunk, just really tired. He was always having a hard time sleeping. Drinking had nothing to do with being tired or having a hard time sleeping. He had a sleep problem.
He offers to make dinner and wants me to relax after work: the sound of the beer can being opened and me counting each one and getting more anxious as I hear it.
Calling his cell phone and getting no answer: Instant anxiety because I know that he is not answering because he is in a bar or somewhere else drinking and won't answer the call
Having him call me to tell me he is being sent to another job or on an errand for work meant that he was at the bar and didn't want to stop drinking or was headed to the bar
Blankets or towels covering the case of beer in his car whenever we had to use it. We mostly used mine because his was a work vehicle. The beer was always there because as soon as he was done a job, the first beer was cracked open.
Knowing that when he walked in the door, if his "pain" walking was exaggerated (he has arthritis in his knees) that meant he was drunk. He always said he was having a harder time walking from the pain that day and it wasn't drinking.
He wasn't drunk, just really tired. He was always having a hard time sleeping. Drinking had nothing to do with being tired or having a hard time sleeping. He had a sleep problem.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Ditto, ditto, ditto. Yes, it has helped me so much to know that so many others have heard the same thing. It pains me a bit to know that I spent so many years absorbing his words when they were only tools to get my eyes diverted off his drinking. I'm not a sap to get manipulated like some moron. Although that's exactly what happened, and I realize that I can't change the past but can certainly understand why so many of my friends and family struggled with watching me think I was helpless.
Now he argues that I'm so good at not listening to his criticisms that I don't listen to any. Oh wellllllllllll. I suppose if he can honestly get sober and work on himself rather than working on me, we can have some open dialogue. But until he can do that, it's all just quacking.
Now he argues that I'm so good at not listening to his criticisms that I don't listen to any. Oh wellllllllllll. I suppose if he can honestly get sober and work on himself rather than working on me, we can have some open dialogue. But until he can do that, it's all just quacking.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by respektingme
I'm not a sap to get manipulated like some moron.
L
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