Pulling rank
C.I.A.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 8
Pulling rank
Newbie here, 100+ days sober and hanging in pretty well. Thanks to the program, my sponsor and all the good people. Well, mostly good people.
At my home group last night, I got called out by a member who's sober 1 yr+ regarding my length of sobriety. Not once, but twice this guy asked me in a derogatory tone how long I had been sober. Then he pulled me aside and chided me for criticizing another member for an incident that could have cost us the use of our facility.
I got all defensive (one of my character defects, yeah) and mentioned it later to my sponsor. Without a definitive answer from him, I stewed later on this incident. I know I've got to deal with the subject and the critical fellow member again. I'd like to be able to do it in a more diplomatic way and with more information from other people. (Yeah, over-analytical too, another defect.)
Am I making too much of a simple personality clash? Or do I really need to be less defensive?
Thanks in advance everyone.
At my home group last night, I got called out by a member who's sober 1 yr+ regarding my length of sobriety. Not once, but twice this guy asked me in a derogatory tone how long I had been sober. Then he pulled me aside and chided me for criticizing another member for an incident that could have cost us the use of our facility.
I got all defensive (one of my character defects, yeah) and mentioned it later to my sponsor. Without a definitive answer from him, I stewed later on this incident. I know I've got to deal with the subject and the critical fellow member again. I'd like to be able to do it in a more diplomatic way and with more information from other people. (Yeah, over-analytical too, another defect.)
Am I making too much of a simple personality clash? Or do I really need to be less defensive?
Thanks in advance everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
First of all, congratulations on having over 100 days of sobriety! Absolutely fantastic!!! 
Now...is there a reason why you HAVE TO talk to this other member? Sometimes it's best to just let things go. It's something I have to work on, for sure!
One thing to remember, regardless of how much time that other person has sober, we all TRULY only have today...no other time matters. If you have 10 years and then drink TODAY, then it's just as bad as someone who has 5 days and drinks today.
Now...is there a reason why you HAVE TO talk to this other member? Sometimes it's best to just let things go. It's something I have to work on, for sure!
One thing to remember, regardless of how much time that other person has sober, we all TRULY only have today...no other time matters. If you have 10 years and then drink TODAY, then it's just as bad as someone who has 5 days and drinks today.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
....Well done on your sober timeI too use AA for recovery.
I'll share my mantra with you...
"How Important Is It?"
Keeps me in balance often.
If you are dealing with a possible resentment
I suggest you read "Freedom From Bondage"
in our BB. The final page gives instructions.
Welcome to SR!
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
"Principals before personalities" serves me well.
Another phrase I use often (in my head) is:
What other people think of me and say about me is none of my business
By the way Carol, Freedom from Bondage is my FAVORITE story in the BB!!!!
Another phrase I use often (in my head) is:
What other people think of me and say about me is none of my business
By the way Carol, Freedom from Bondage is my FAVORITE story in the BB!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Seamus, remember that "some are sicker than others" and just because someone has not had a drink in a while or even a long time does not mean the are healthy!!! There are lots of sick people in the rooms of AA! There are also lots of healthy people in the rooms of AA. I choose to stick with the winners!
About 2 months ago I got totally screamed at for no reason by this lady who has 12 years of sobriety. It sent me into a tail spin to say the least! Well, what I found out later is that she doesn't work the steps, so she is basically DRY! She is miserable and attacks lots of people. I now try to stay away from her! She definately does not have ANYTHING that I want!
Try not to take it personally. Sit back and listen and figure out who the healthy people in the program are and stay away from those who aren't!
Good luck and keep up the GREAT work.
BTW- If you haven't done a 4th step yet, you probably want to put that person on it. If you have, doing one on just that person would really help you! OH- also praying helps! :bounce
About 2 months ago I got totally screamed at for no reason by this lady who has 12 years of sobriety. It sent me into a tail spin to say the least! Well, what I found out later is that she doesn't work the steps, so she is basically DRY! She is miserable and attacks lots of people. I now try to stay away from her! She definately does not have ANYTHING that I want!
Try not to take it personally. Sit back and listen and figure out who the healthy people in the program are and stay away from those who aren't!
Good luck and keep up the GREAT work.
BTW- If you haven't done a 4th step yet, you probably want to put that person on it. If you have, doing one on just that person would really help you! OH- also praying helps! :bounce
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I, too, am a member of AA (even though I'm no longer able to attend meetings). Although I can't think of any right now, I'm sure during the 20+ years I did attend meetings, I must have had more than one personality clash with other members.
You don't have to look in AA rooms to find people who can rub you the wrong way with their so-called "constructive criticism", even though you may be doing all the right things.
There's a woman here in the nursing home who has such a negative attitude, it's very clear she's just an unhappy person. Consequently, she has alienated all but a couple of the residents, and none of the aides want to take care of her because she's so nasty. She's been avoided and given a wide berth...which means she has also become a very lonely person. If she's aware of how unpopular she is, it hasn't helped her disposition any.
Personally, as far as your fellow group member is concerned, I would either act as though nothing happened, or avoid him like the plague. If there's one thing I hate more than proving a point it's confrontation! I also don't like to hold on to a resentment and allow anyone to "live rent free" in my head. For all you know, he's forgotten about the incident and gone on to call out and chide some other Newbie...while you're still stewing over it. Don't give him that much power over your serenity.
Oh...BTW...congrats on your 100+ days!!!
You don't have to look in AA rooms to find people who can rub you the wrong way with their so-called "constructive criticism", even though you may be doing all the right things.
There's a woman here in the nursing home who has such a negative attitude, it's very clear she's just an unhappy person. Consequently, she has alienated all but a couple of the residents, and none of the aides want to take care of her because she's so nasty. She's been avoided and given a wide berth...which means she has also become a very lonely person. If she's aware of how unpopular she is, it hasn't helped her disposition any.
Personally, as far as your fellow group member is concerned, I would either act as though nothing happened, or avoid him like the plague. If there's one thing I hate more than proving a point it's confrontation! I also don't like to hold on to a resentment and allow anyone to "live rent free" in my head. For all you know, he's forgotten about the incident and gone on to call out and chide some other Newbie...while you're still stewing over it. Don't give him that much power over your serenity.
Oh...BTW...congrats on your 100+ days!!!
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
"How Important Is It?"
In my opinion, that is the question.
And it never ceases to amaze me, that with over 14 years clean, I can still make the dumbest situation REALLY IMPORTANT in my own mind, and I still believe that I have to prove I am right.
But then an hour or a day later I realize the situation isn't important at all, and the other person can just go right on believeing what they're going to believe anyhow.
You are not alone.
In my opinion, that is the question.
And it never ceases to amaze me, that with over 14 years clean, I can still make the dumbest situation REALLY IMPORTANT in my own mind, and I still believe that I have to prove I am right.
But then an hour or a day later I realize the situation isn't important at all, and the other person can just go right on believeing what they're going to believe anyhow.
You are not alone.
C.I.A.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 8
Thanks for all the quick replies, people. Y'all give some good advice...
"How Important Is It?"
"Principals before personalities"
"If there's one thing I hate more than proving a point it's confrontation! I also don't like to hold on to a resentment and allow anyone to 'live rent free' in my head."
I also went and re-read 'Freedom from Bondage,' so I guess the thing to do is say some prayers for my nemesis-guy.
As much as I'd really like to confront the dude and get some comeuppance with my alcoholic verbal skills.
"How Important Is It?"
"Principals before personalities"
"If there's one thing I hate more than proving a point it's confrontation! I also don't like to hold on to a resentment and allow anyone to 'live rent free' in my head."
I also went and re-read 'Freedom from Bondage,' so I guess the thing to do is say some prayers for my nemesis-guy.
As much as I'd really like to confront the dude and get some comeuppance with my alcoholic verbal skills.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Welcome to the SR forum,
My sponsor tells me that worrying about what other people think of me is an ego problem. He also tells me that worrying about what I think of others is an ego problem.
My sponsor helps me focus on the problem....me, and the solution...the steps.
If I work the steps, I can apply them to any situation in my life. The biggest hurdle for me is remembering I work the steps to change me, not anything else. Typical of alot of people, I will admit my part in any problem but never stop before I admit the other persons part as well. I'm learning that I'm not responsible for other people. My opinion of myself is what I need to work on...
congrats on 100+
Peace
My sponsor tells me that worrying about what other people think of me is an ego problem. He also tells me that worrying about what I think of others is an ego problem.
My sponsor helps me focus on the problem....me, and the solution...the steps.
If I work the steps, I can apply them to any situation in my life. The biggest hurdle for me is remembering I work the steps to change me, not anything else. Typical of alot of people, I will admit my part in any problem but never stop before I admit the other persons part as well. I'm learning that I'm not responsible for other people. My opinion of myself is what I need to work on...
congrats on 100+
Peace
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
seamus good for you on your 24's
answer...
ya wanna be right, or sober!
been there, done that...
we still have our group...
"The Panel of Experts"
defensive...
work the steps, and you will be amazed...
good wishes
rz
answer...
ya wanna be right, or sober!
criticizing another member for an incident that could have cost us the use of our facility.
we still have our group...
"The Panel of Experts"
defensive...
work the steps, and you will be amazed...
good wishes
rz
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Congrats on your 100 days!!!! That's awesome!!!!
As for the person you have the issue with, I like this........"what other people think about me is none of my business." So works for me!!!!
As for the person you have the issue with, I like this........"what other people think about me is none of my business." So works for me!!!!
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