seethelight2009

Hi Everyone,
I am new here and very happy that I found this forum. Here is my situation and I appreciate advice and opinions.
Ok I have been living with my fiance who is an alcoholic for 8 years. We have a four year old and he has a 13 and 18 yearold, whose mother has been out of the picture since they were very young. He has been drinking for 4 years now, addicted for about 2 years causing him to barely work. I left him a few weeks ago but went back about a week later. He is recently began going to alcohol dependency program. Today was his second time, don't you know he came home with beer. I can't take it anymore, the fighting gets so bad, he become physical once a few month back, his two older children had to pull him off of me. I have given him so many altimatiums, I can't take it anymore, I now hate my life because of him. When he is not drinking he is a good dad. But the other night he had a fight with his 18 year old daughter who is still in high school and told her to leave and never come back, of course the next day he sent her an apologize. But he is still saying he doesn't care if she comes back. Ok so here are my concerns.
If I leave the 13 yearold is still stuck here.
He will still want to see our daughter.
The 18 yearold can not possibly live on her own, save for college, and work to pay an apartment.
I know this one is going to sound a little crazy but I am so concerned that if something happens to me, my daughter will be raised my an alcoholic.
Please someone tell me what am I suppose to do. He says he is commited to this program that he just started but he has been drinking since 2:30pm. I am so fed up, scared, and angry. I am not currently working, I was working part time but now that my daughter will be going to school I am trying to find something full time. I can't take it anymore.

reginaterrae

Welcome! Glad you are seeing the light.....

I am going to shut up and let others share with you who have been through things more similar to you, but in the meantime check out this recent thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-scene.html

and this article that someone posted there:
Google Answers: divorce, related to being married to an alcoholic and me being a wuss!

I'm happy you found the forum, too. It's wonderful. There are some very wise & loving people here who have been through what you are going through.

Regina Terrae

serenityqueen

I'm sure you're feeling completely overwhelmed right now. . . but please know you have found a huge, new family here who will do everything we can to help you through this.

First of all . . . you need to take things one step at a time.

In my opinion, I'd put a plan into place so the next time, (and there probably will be a next time,) that he gets violent, you and the kids know what to do immediately. Instruct the other kids to call the police from another phone in the house or to run to a neighbors. When the police come, tell them exactly what happened and let him sit in jail and think about what he's done.

As a recovering addict and alcoholic, I know when I was drunk, I could get pretty violent. I did things that I would have never done if I were sober. Chances are he's really mad at himself, but he's taking that anger out on you because you're there. It's not for me or anyone else to decide why he got violent, but you need to make it perfectly clear that you won't tolerate it anymore.

You didn't mention if he went into the alcohol treatment program voluntarily or not, but hopefully he truly wants help. I am in no way defending any of his behavior, but one "class" or group alone isn't necessarily going to take away his desire to drink.

Please don't try to solve everything right this second. But like I said, please put a safety plan into place. We're here for you so share as often as you like and know that I'll be praying for you and the kid's safety as well as peace of mind. And I also will pray that he finds the strength to get help with his drinking and other problems.

God Bless,
Judy

tormented22267

First of all, breathe. I know you are so upset right now, but I agree with Serenityqueen, take it one step at a time. Step one - ensuring the safety of your children and yourself. You are in a difficult situation and I wish I had the advice to give you to make this all better. Maybe you could try al-anon or counseling? Read through some posts here, there is a ton of wonderful and useful information. At the very least, you will know you are not alone.

My heart goes out to you and I wish for you strength and peace in this difficult time...

prodigal

Apparently, he is not taking the program seriously at this point. Did he enter this program of his own free will, or did you or the court system give him an ultimatum?

This physical stuff is bad. Very bad. I was a battered spouse. They do it once, they'll probably do it again. Hitting, or any sort of offensive physical contact is unacceptable. Your ultimatums mean nothing to him. Getting drunk is important to him. He may "get" the program he is in, then he may not. But that takes time. Have you considered moving out and just leaving him to deal with his addiction alone?

You don't have to take on the world all at once. Although he may still want to see your daughter, he HAS been physically violent. You could consider getting a restraining order. You could possibly get the courts to allow only supervised visitation.

Can't the 18-year-old live with you, get a part-time job, and maybe hold off on college for a few months? How about having her look into Pell Grants, financial aid, and scholarships?

I suggest you seek free legal aid through your county court. They will be able to furnish you with a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work. There is nothing that dictates the 13-year-old MUSt live with his alcoholic father.

Get your legal ducks in a row. Have an escape plan in place. Take the kids with you. But just take it one step at a time. You are not solely responsible for fixing EVERYBODY in this situation. For the time being, focus on getting a full-time job so you can afford to move out, if need be.

lilac

Welcome and (((hugs))) to you.

Yes, the others are right. Take it one day at a time. It can be sooo overwhelming, I know. Take a deep breath . . It's gonna be okay.

Do get an escape plan together for when you are ready / need it.

Also, come back to this forum..... there are amazing people here!

TTOSBT

Welcome, you are among friends :ghug

I would suggest getting yourself to an Alanon meeting and the teenagers in Alateen. No matter what happens those teens need to know they are not alone in having an alcoholic parent. I was one of those teens and if affects them more than you know.

Stay safe and keep coming back.

kemarus

As others said, the safety of you and the children has to be first priority. I know you are scared and anxious. I have been there myself more times than I can count. You said the fighting can get really bad. I know that too. BUT, it's very important that you don't give in to the A and his fighting. They are masters of manipulation and that is one thing they use to excuse their drinking. Well, we fought and you made me mad and you got angry so I drank more. I learned to distance myself, even if in the same room, and not argue. Just don't say anything. Even when he pushed, I would just say I was tired or whatever got him to give me my space! Fighting with a drunk is never a good thing and nothing positive can come out of it. Try to find something that you and the kids can do together and away from him or seperate from him. Small steps but big differences in the way things can go. I found so much help at Alanon. You should really give it a try.
((((((((hugs)))))))

seethelight2009

I told him he had to get help and then he went to see his doctor about anxiety medicine, she told him he needed to enroll in a chemical dependency program and gave him this particulay organization to go to.
The 18 year old could live with me, I am just nervous that he will become even more angry.
I just can not understand why he can't see what he is doing.

tormented22267

I'm new to this also. I found this post, and have read it over and over again. Maybe it can help shed some light for you too.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Wishing you a peaceful evening...

FormerDoormat

Seeking full-time employment so you can achieve financial freedom is a good start, as is joining this forum. Alanon has been helpful to many folks here as well. I've learned not to count on alcoholics to change and to only count on myself. I can change my life; I can't force others to change to suit me. It's a simple lesson but so very hard to come to grips with.

Welcome to the forum.