Ipt ~
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Ipt ~
11 years ago..... I had a friend who got me away from my exah. I mean... he didn't "get me away"..... but he showed me what it's like to be in a healthy non drug using relationship. We consummated our friendship..... and went from friends to lovers VERY quickly.
Well... back then I was exercising my right to BE who I wanted to be.... and I felt that he wanted to change me... he put rules on me. Because, after all, he KNEW a healthy relationship. About a month or so in.... he put a rule down. He said to me.... "You can smoke pot.... but just don't do it around me or see me when you are high." Well.... I had just been in a relationship full of someone being able to have their cake and eat it too.......... but by lying! So.... as horrible as this is going to sound to you... but when he told me that.... it took me by surprise and made me think. Do I want to be in a relationship where I can't smoke pot? And if I did - I'd have to lie about it?! I don't have a problem with it? Am I ready to quit? NOPE - I wasn't and didn't want to. SO - I got the courage and told him that I was not prepared to give up my joy for him! Even though it upset him - I wasn't going to stop - that HIS want did not have bearing on what I wanted. We were not cut from the same cloth so to speak. He could not make me someone I was not.
He was heart broken. I was too, but I also knew that after a few years asking someone else to change when they didn't want to - was not the answer. I was in total role- reversal! The only difference is that I ended the pain by not effecting him by the choice that *I* was making. He KNEW he did not want to be involved with a pot smoker - and THAT IS FAIR!
Long story short...... we had break up sex....... and I got PREGNANT! A few months in... and my not smoking pot with no intention of smoking it again now as a parent.... that meant we could be together in authenticity. Well..... we lasted 7 years. We ended amicably - and have 2 incredible children.
After reading this..... this is my challenge to you - ask yourself this - if you are not able to change her - can you handle her smoking pot? Can you handle her drive to be with her family and not you? Do you think she has the courage to tell you that she is choosing pot over you? IT IS OKAY for you to not want pot as a part of your life..... it is YOUR choice.
With my guy - it is NOT okay for him to have addiction in our home. It is NOT okay for me to have lies. My guy knows that story above.... he does not have the courage to tell me that he would rather use than be with me. He can not tell me that. He wants both. That is not okay. It is okay;however, for him to have one or the other. It is up to him to make that choice, just as I did. Trouble is though.... if he doesn't make that choice - I have to make it for me - for him!
I hope this all makes sense.
Peace xoxo
Well... back then I was exercising my right to BE who I wanted to be.... and I felt that he wanted to change me... he put rules on me. Because, after all, he KNEW a healthy relationship. About a month or so in.... he put a rule down. He said to me.... "You can smoke pot.... but just don't do it around me or see me when you are high." Well.... I had just been in a relationship full of someone being able to have their cake and eat it too.......... but by lying! So.... as horrible as this is going to sound to you... but when he told me that.... it took me by surprise and made me think. Do I want to be in a relationship where I can't smoke pot? And if I did - I'd have to lie about it?! I don't have a problem with it? Am I ready to quit? NOPE - I wasn't and didn't want to. SO - I got the courage and told him that I was not prepared to give up my joy for him! Even though it upset him - I wasn't going to stop - that HIS want did not have bearing on what I wanted. We were not cut from the same cloth so to speak. He could not make me someone I was not.
He was heart broken. I was too, but I also knew that after a few years asking someone else to change when they didn't want to - was not the answer. I was in total role- reversal! The only difference is that I ended the pain by not effecting him by the choice that *I* was making. He KNEW he did not want to be involved with a pot smoker - and THAT IS FAIR!
Long story short...... we had break up sex....... and I got PREGNANT! A few months in... and my not smoking pot with no intention of smoking it again now as a parent.... that meant we could be together in authenticity. Well..... we lasted 7 years. We ended amicably - and have 2 incredible children.
After reading this..... this is my challenge to you - ask yourself this - if you are not able to change her - can you handle her smoking pot? Can you handle her drive to be with her family and not you? Do you think she has the courage to tell you that she is choosing pot over you? IT IS OKAY for you to not want pot as a part of your life..... it is YOUR choice.
With my guy - it is NOT okay for him to have addiction in our home. It is NOT okay for me to have lies. My guy knows that story above.... he does not have the courage to tell me that he would rather use than be with me. He can not tell me that. He wants both. That is not okay. It is okay;however, for him to have one or the other. It is up to him to make that choice, just as I did. Trouble is though.... if he doesn't make that choice - I have to make it for me - for him!
I hope this all makes sense.
Peace xoxo
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Yes, totally does. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me. I am NOT okay with her co-dependant relationships, nor smoking weed. At least not the level she does. A weekend here and there, no big deal. I am asking her to change, in a way. I told her I wouldn't have it, and her reply was "I don't want this life anymore. I want to quit", "I realize I no longer have control..."
I have a lot more to reply, but need to step away a bit. Be back soon
I have a lot more to reply, but need to step away a bit. Be back soon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
My guy "tells" me he wants to quit too...... but he isn't going to until he does. I can not make him - nor do I want to. Well - I retract..... of course I want him to.... because then the lies are going to stop. However, if he doesn't want to.... and just keeps talking about wanting to - we are only going in circles.
It's up to me to decide when I have had enough of the talking.
I have been on the "other side" of it.... and I know how it feels when someone wants you to change when you don't want it.
Trouble is.... he is in the grips of addiction. I don't know when it is him talking or the "other guy" talking. On Saturday - when I found those TM's... from the "other guy" talking... I had my epiphany - I'm OVER IT! It's like... really - this is beyond ridiculous now. Walk where YOU like your steps - and I'll back YOU up.......... but not that "other guy"! I am powerless over that "other guy". Does that mean he is staying with me (again).... yes it does - but in the guest room.
It is totally against the rules that he is here detoxing - we agreed that was not allowed. However, I am going away for 5 days. I'm able to tend to him in these dt's.... for tonight and tomorrow - but then he is on his own. He told me that if he had left last night to a hotel - he thinks that the "other guy" would have wanted him dead. I told him that the "other guy" wants him dead period. Here - there - or anywhere. It doesn't matter!
I've been thinking of what my role is in this.... that if I lay these boundaries - then he is going to do A B or C. Forget about what MY boundaries are going to do for him! They are all about what *I* am going to feel or do. He is his own person - and can do whatever the heck he wants. I think I have these 3 C's down FINALLY! lol
I really used to think that I cause it.... but you know what? I DON'T and have not! I have NO RIGHT to even do any of those 3 things! lol I believe that the addiction is what causes all of it! I believe that I am powerless over the addiction. I am also powerless over this relationship. I KNOW what I want - and if he can't give me what it is that I want - while I love him to bits - that our love is not strong enough to give me what I want.
blah blah blah... etc etc etc. I keep telling myself all of this. Good day - then a bad day - and so on.
THANK GOD - I have the Gorge coming up!!!!!!!!! lol
Thank GOD - I know now - that I can't take it personally if he chooses drugs over me. It's his RIGHT to! Just as it was my right to do the same 11 years ago! aaaaaaaah hindsight! the blessing!
It's up to me to decide when I have had enough of the talking.
I have been on the "other side" of it.... and I know how it feels when someone wants you to change when you don't want it.
Trouble is.... he is in the grips of addiction. I don't know when it is him talking or the "other guy" talking. On Saturday - when I found those TM's... from the "other guy" talking... I had my epiphany - I'm OVER IT! It's like... really - this is beyond ridiculous now. Walk where YOU like your steps - and I'll back YOU up.......... but not that "other guy"! I am powerless over that "other guy". Does that mean he is staying with me (again).... yes it does - but in the guest room.
It is totally against the rules that he is here detoxing - we agreed that was not allowed. However, I am going away for 5 days. I'm able to tend to him in these dt's.... for tonight and tomorrow - but then he is on his own. He told me that if he had left last night to a hotel - he thinks that the "other guy" would have wanted him dead. I told him that the "other guy" wants him dead period. Here - there - or anywhere. It doesn't matter!
I've been thinking of what my role is in this.... that if I lay these boundaries - then he is going to do A B or C. Forget about what MY boundaries are going to do for him! They are all about what *I* am going to feel or do. He is his own person - and can do whatever the heck he wants. I think I have these 3 C's down FINALLY! lol
I really used to think that I cause it.... but you know what? I DON'T and have not! I have NO RIGHT to even do any of those 3 things! lol I believe that the addiction is what causes all of it! I believe that I am powerless over the addiction. I am also powerless over this relationship. I KNOW what I want - and if he can't give me what it is that I want - while I love him to bits - that our love is not strong enough to give me what I want.
blah blah blah... etc etc etc. I keep telling myself all of this. Good day - then a bad day - and so on.
THANK GOD - I have the Gorge coming up!!!!!!!!!
lol Thank GOD - I know now - that I can't take it personally if he chooses drugs over me. It's his RIGHT to! Just as it was my right to do the same 11 years ago! aaaaaaaah hindsight! the blessing!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
I guess I have not gotten to the point of saying she is two different people like you have. The addiction takes over I guess. It’s still choices that have to be made though. I don’t take it personally when she chooses drugs. I do take it personally when she doesn’t respond to my phone calls, or texts. When she says “can’t talk now”. Or when she says she will be over and cancels. That is a waste of MY time.
Truth is my g/f hid it for a year. When I found out she said she was quitting. I fell into the codie roll without knowing it (enabling via getting mad and giving her an excuse to run and use). It is literally in the past month or so I have recognized it. I know I didn’t “cause it”, but I took the focus off her and allowed her to point the finger at me. I have since learned not to give her my actions as ammunition and she has had to admit to me flat out, “I want to get high”. That was a turning point (turn off) for me.
Thing is she wants to change for her. Or so she says. She tells me time and time again about how unhappy she is, how she wants to quit. Thing is the actions have been slow to follow. None of this was much of an issue except in the past year with a lot of family loss she has gotten closer to them and spiraled down. She notes it many times herself. She told me she no longer has control. She admits it. Knows she has enough of a problem to get an NA meeting list, but not enough drive or courage to attend.
For me, until today really, I have been pretty strong. Even today, as distraught as I was I did not resort to the flurry of one way communication I used to. It is her right to choose as she would like too for herself. I used to feel I was right by trying to hold her to her words but have realized it is her choice not to follow thru if she doesn’t want to. Still it breaks my heart and hurts just the same. Question is just how long do I wait, and how much do I take before I say “enough”.
Have a great trip – I will miss your posts. I’ve been reading them to help keep me on task
Truth is my g/f hid it for a year. When I found out she said she was quitting. I fell into the codie roll without knowing it (enabling via getting mad and giving her an excuse to run and use). It is literally in the past month or so I have recognized it. I know I didn’t “cause it”, but I took the focus off her and allowed her to point the finger at me. I have since learned not to give her my actions as ammunition and she has had to admit to me flat out, “I want to get high”. That was a turning point (turn off) for me.
Thing is she wants to change for her. Or so she says. She tells me time and time again about how unhappy she is, how she wants to quit. Thing is the actions have been slow to follow. None of this was much of an issue except in the past year with a lot of family loss she has gotten closer to them and spiraled down. She notes it many times herself. She told me she no longer has control. She admits it. Knows she has enough of a problem to get an NA meeting list, but not enough drive or courage to attend.
For me, until today really, I have been pretty strong. Even today, as distraught as I was I did not resort to the flurry of one way communication I used to. It is her right to choose as she would like too for herself. I used to feel I was right by trying to hold her to her words but have realized it is her choice not to follow thru if she doesn’t want to. Still it breaks my heart and hurts just the same. Question is just how long do I wait, and how much do I take before I say “enough”.
Have a great trip – I will miss your posts. I’ve been reading them to help keep me on task
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