Attempting to cut ties with him - Help!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
Attempting to cut ties with him - Help!!
Ok, I promised myself that the next time my ABF went out on a drinking binge, I would be done with him. I didn't have to wait very long. Today was his 8th day sober and I came home from work to him passed out after he'd been drinking all day. I woke him up and asked him where he was all day. He immediately went on the defensive, raising his voice and saying 'there you go accusing me again, you just love accusing me don't you?' Slurring his words while saying all this. Do alcoholics really believe we are THAT stupid??
Anyway, I told him I was leaving to go to the store. I did not want my son and I around him like that and I left. The phone calls started, the yelling at me, blaming me, all the things he always does when he starts drinking. He tried manipulating, turning everything around and blaming everything on me. He says, 'oh, I'm so bad aren't I? Why don't you keep accusing me? Keep putting me down, keep telling me how bad I am, keep degrading me - then wonder why I go out and drink.' I stayed very calm, and I responded by telling him that he would never have to hear that again because this would be our last conversation and hung up the phone.
As I knew he would be, he was gone when I got back home (thank God!). He's called a few more times and I haven't answered. He does not live with me, he lives with his mom across the street from me. He does have a key to my house, but not to the deadbolts, so I can lock them and keep him out of here. I got home and wrote him an e-mail telling him that I was cutting ALL ties with him unless and until he is sober for at least 90 days. I will not answer his phones calls, I will not talk to him and I will not allow him at my house anymore. I feel kind of guilty for putting it in an e-mail. But, I don't want to talk to him drunk, and I don't want to talk to him sober because that is when he is all apologetic and sucks me back in. I just don't want to talk to him at all, period. And, the things I said in the e-mail are nothing I haven't told him to his face before.
This man has been wreaking havoc in my life for 4 years now - I honestly just want to be done with him and stay away. I feel stronger than I ever have before, but I also know how he sucks me back in....and I'm SO nervous and scared. I need the strength to stay away from him this time for good.
Give me strength, give me strength, give me strength...:praying
Anyway, I told him I was leaving to go to the store. I did not want my son and I around him like that and I left. The phone calls started, the yelling at me, blaming me, all the things he always does when he starts drinking. He tried manipulating, turning everything around and blaming everything on me. He says, 'oh, I'm so bad aren't I? Why don't you keep accusing me? Keep putting me down, keep telling me how bad I am, keep degrading me - then wonder why I go out and drink.' I stayed very calm, and I responded by telling him that he would never have to hear that again because this would be our last conversation and hung up the phone.
As I knew he would be, he was gone when I got back home (thank God!). He's called a few more times and I haven't answered. He does not live with me, he lives with his mom across the street from me. He does have a key to my house, but not to the deadbolts, so I can lock them and keep him out of here. I got home and wrote him an e-mail telling him that I was cutting ALL ties with him unless and until he is sober for at least 90 days. I will not answer his phones calls, I will not talk to him and I will not allow him at my house anymore. I feel kind of guilty for putting it in an e-mail. But, I don't want to talk to him drunk, and I don't want to talk to him sober because that is when he is all apologetic and sucks me back in. I just don't want to talk to him at all, period. And, the things I said in the e-mail are nothing I haven't told him to his face before.
This man has been wreaking havoc in my life for 4 years now - I honestly just want to be done with him and stay away. I feel stronger than I ever have before, but I also know how he sucks me back in....and I'm SO nervous and scared. I need the strength to stay away from him this time for good.
Give me strength, give me strength, give me strength...:praying
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Stay Strong Tormented and the torment can be over!
Take it one day at a time- one minute at a time if you have to.
If you feel yourself weakening be sure to "play the tape all the way through." Don't just watch the "happy highlights" reel where you remember all the good times. Remember this day and how this feels. You never have to feel this way again!
Sending you a shot of courage & prayers for your strength:praying
Peace,
B.
Take it one day at a time- one minute at a time if you have to.
If you feel yourself weakening be sure to "play the tape all the way through." Don't just watch the "happy highlights" reel where you remember all the good times. Remember this day and how this feels. You never have to feel this way again!
Sending you a shot of courage & prayers for your strength:praying
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 20
I feel you're pain....
I am married to someone very similiar, so I know what you're going through except mine is also drug abuse too. I'm just here to encourage you & give you support and hope you get through this without going back to him. I know that one too well. I have also left my hubby several times had him taken out by police so I know its not easy since we're always being suckered back in. Hope one day I have the courage to finally leave my hubby, too and for good, but since I haven't I'll wish you the best luck & may God bless you and may he give you all the strength to get through this. As I always pray "God please fix this man or take him out of my life". I got from my mother who is very much religious :praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Barbara52 
Good for you! You can do this! If not for yourself, do it for your son. Don't answer the phone, delete any emails (unread). It can help save your sanity.
Originally Posted by lizw
Have you any other support besides us all here on SR.
Do you attend Al Anon?
Counselling?
Do you attend Al Anon?
Counselling?
Thank you all for your encouraging words, I need it!!
Last edited by tormented22267; 08-26-2008 at 06:41 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
Well, I didn't answer the phone last night, which was easy since he never called.
But, I didn't call him either! I read a little of the Al-Anon book, took a couple Tylenol PM's and slept pretty good actually. All I could think of while laying in bed last night was 'thank goodness I don't have to try to go to sleep laying next to that snoring! Hee! Hee! It was nice to have quiet.
My promise to myself for today:
I will NOT answer the phone and will delete any voicemails without listening to them.
I will NOT call him.
I will delete any emails UNREAD.
I am bound and determined to DETACH! My biggest hurdle is just trying to quiet my mind and quit wondering what he is doing and who he is with. That's the hardest part for me.
Thank you all again and I wish all of you a beautiful day!
But, I didn't call him either! I read a little of the Al-Anon book, took a couple Tylenol PM's and slept pretty good actually. All I could think of while laying in bed last night was 'thank goodness I don't have to try to go to sleep laying next to that snoring! Hee! Hee! It was nice to have quiet.My promise to myself for today:
I will NOT answer the phone and will delete any voicemails without listening to them.
I will NOT call him.
I will delete any emails UNREAD.
I am bound and determined to DETACH! My biggest hurdle is just trying to quiet my mind and quit wondering what he is doing and who he is with. That's the hardest part for me.
Thank you all again and I wish all of you a beautiful day!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
So glad you enjoyed sleeping without the snoring!!! That's a great sign! Remember the good feeling of having a peaceful, quiet night! Just know that this good feeling is just the beginning. Just imagine this feeling times a million... this will be you once you detach.
I send you lots of strength. You and your son deserve a healthy life.
I send you lots of strength. You and your son deserve a healthy life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
So pleased to see you staying so strong. Hang in there.
The sleeping peacefully is one of the first things I noticed and really appreciated. I used to always suffer from anxiety when I went to sleep, What time will he be back, will he be in a mood when he comes back, will he actually come back??
I feel so much healthier and serene in my life with out the madness.
Stay strong. x x
The sleeping peacefully is one of the first things I noticed and really appreciated. I used to always suffer from anxiety when I went to sleep, What time will he be back, will he be in a mood when he comes back, will he actually come back??
I feel so much healthier and serene in my life with out the madness.
Stay strong. x x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
What a horrible day it's been. Ok, some more pieces to this puzzle. This is very embarassing to admit, but after supporting my EXabf for two years, I've gotten myself into such financial difficulties that 2 weeks ago I had to file for bankruptcy (ugh! It hurts to even admit that). Two years ago I co-signed on a truck for exabf - he's been paying me every month and I've been making sure the bills get paid. When I filed the bankruptcy, they said I could sign a reaffirmation agreement for my house, car and his truck and keep all of them as long as the payments keep getting paid on time.
Well, don't you know it that his truck insurance is due tomorrow. During our last conversation yesterday, I told him he better leave the $ for his insurance in my mailbox. Of course today it was not there. So, after much going back and forth today, I called him and left him a voicemail telling him that he had better leave the $ today or I would cancel his insurance. He called back and I answered (stupid! so much for the promise I made myself!) and was the worst I think he's ever been to me. The names he called me would make anyone cringe. I can't even begin to tell you, but I'm sure you all can imagine. He went on and on about how he sees my true colors now, he sees how vindictive I am now - as soon as things don't go my way (ie., as soon as he starts drinking), I go out of my way to stab him in the back. It was endless. I finally hung up (had enough abuse yet C?)
OMG - the words he said to me today hurt so bad. The names he called me were just vicious. Why do I let that get under my skin???
Anyway - after talking to him, I think I did do a good thing. I called my attorney and told her I did not want to reaffirm his truck, I wanted to list it right along with the rest of my debts in the bankruptcy. I do not want to have to worry about him making those payments for the next year. She said that not only was that fine, but that he still wouldn't lose the truck. The truck payments will now be transferred to him since he is also named on the title, I will be released of any responsibility, and then if he doesn't make the payments, it will now be on him. He is also on my insurance policy. He said (between all the screaming at me) that he did leave me the $. So, I paid his insurance for this month, then I called the insurace company and told them to cancel him off of my policy. He is now only insured through 9/28, then he can get his own coverage. Finally, I also got him a cell phone 2 years ago (can you say SUCKER???!!!). The contract is up on that on 9/23 (what timing). I called Sprint and told them to make a notation on my account that as of 9/23, I want that phone cancelled. He can now get a cell phone on his own too.
So, those were the 3 things that kept him in my life month after month. I always knew I had to have contact with him because I had to make sure he paid me for these bills. After today - I am released of all of them, and he is on his own!!! He can be a 'big boy' now and be responsible for his own truck payment, get his own insurance coverage, and get his own cell phone. If not, well, it looks like he'll get his truck re-po'd and won't have a phone!
I'm just so mentally exhausted. It's only 2:30 and I just want to go home, crawl in bed, and hide away from the world...
Well, don't you know it that his truck insurance is due tomorrow. During our last conversation yesterday, I told him he better leave the $ for his insurance in my mailbox. Of course today it was not there. So, after much going back and forth today, I called him and left him a voicemail telling him that he had better leave the $ today or I would cancel his insurance. He called back and I answered (stupid! so much for the promise I made myself!) and was the worst I think he's ever been to me. The names he called me would make anyone cringe. I can't even begin to tell you, but I'm sure you all can imagine. He went on and on about how he sees my true colors now, he sees how vindictive I am now - as soon as things don't go my way (ie., as soon as he starts drinking), I go out of my way to stab him in the back. It was endless. I finally hung up (had enough abuse yet C?)
OMG - the words he said to me today hurt so bad. The names he called me were just vicious. Why do I let that get under my skin???
Anyway - after talking to him, I think I did do a good thing. I called my attorney and told her I did not want to reaffirm his truck, I wanted to list it right along with the rest of my debts in the bankruptcy. I do not want to have to worry about him making those payments for the next year. She said that not only was that fine, but that he still wouldn't lose the truck. The truck payments will now be transferred to him since he is also named on the title, I will be released of any responsibility, and then if he doesn't make the payments, it will now be on him. He is also on my insurance policy. He said (between all the screaming at me) that he did leave me the $. So, I paid his insurance for this month, then I called the insurace company and told them to cancel him off of my policy. He is now only insured through 9/28, then he can get his own coverage. Finally, I also got him a cell phone 2 years ago (can you say SUCKER???!!!). The contract is up on that on 9/23 (what timing). I called Sprint and told them to make a notation on my account that as of 9/23, I want that phone cancelled. He can now get a cell phone on his own too.
So, those were the 3 things that kept him in my life month after month. I always knew I had to have contact with him because I had to make sure he paid me for these bills. After today - I am released of all of them, and he is on his own!!! He can be a 'big boy' now and be responsible for his own truck payment, get his own insurance coverage, and get his own cell phone. If not, well, it looks like he'll get his truck re-po'd and won't have a phone!
I'm just so mentally exhausted. It's only 2:30 and I just want to go home, crawl in bed, and hide away from the world...
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
He can make his own truck paymnets, get his own insurance and get his own phone if he wants. You did the right thing. You're not his mother. If he needs his mommy to take care of all that crap then he's free to go arrange that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Well, YOU might be tired and fed up, tormented (who wouldn't be? jeez, I can't believe everything you've gone through....what an abusive, irresponsible jerk) but your friend GiveLove here is standing on her chair, jumping up and down, and applauding you.
It's like you're shedding this huge suit of armor and sheet metal you've been wearing for a couple of years, one piece at a time (clank! clank!
)
Is there anything else that connects you to him legally that you can remove? (clank!)
You deserve a nap and a big hug to yourself for doing all of this. Talk about the heavy lifting!!
It's like you're shedding this huge suit of armor and sheet metal you've been wearing for a couple of years, one piece at a time (clank! clank!
)Is there anything else that connects you to him legally that you can remove? (clank!)
You deserve a nap and a big hug to yourself for doing all of this. Talk about the heavy lifting!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Well, YOU might be tired and fed up, tormented (who wouldn't be? jeez, I can't believe everything you've gone through....what an abusive, irresponsible jerk) but your friend GiveLove here is standing on her chair, jumping up and down, and applauding you.
It's like you're shedding this huge suit of armor and sheet metal you've been wearing for a couple of years, one piece at a time (clank! clank! )
Is there anything else that connects you to him legally that you can remove? (clank!)
You deserve a nap and a big hug to yourself for doing all of this. Talk about the heavy lifting!!
It's like you're shedding this huge suit of armor and sheet metal you've been wearing for a couple of years, one piece at a time (clank! clank!
)Is there anything else that connects you to him legally that you can remove? (clank!)
You deserve a nap and a big hug to yourself for doing all of this. Talk about the heavy lifting!!
Snickers008, I already got that covered. Every year a town close to me has a really big festival. My son & I, my parents, and my cousins will all be going. My son looks forward to it every year. It's not until Sunday, but at least it's something to look forward to.
It's been such a stressful day, and all of your encouraging words mean so much.
Hugs and peace to all of you this evening.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
