IPT

She sent a text yesterday. We are supossed to go away for 5 days this weekend and since I didn't trust she would show I invited friends. Well she was upset (because she wanted it to be "us" and she is intimidated by these people - much fitter than her and we will be very active). Anyway, they cancelled.

Now I have not spoke with her since Sat (nor seen her since Wed when she was going to do it "just one time".) Maybe you saw my post yesterday about her not being able "to live like this anymore", blah, blah,blah. Well I texted her to tell her they were not going, so it would just be us. Her reply (by text ) was

Thx, one less thing to worry about. Sorry I went back to old ways. I hope you can forgive me. Can't talk now...

I texted her a reply saying "sad you still have to hide communication w/ me behind tests. Same old ways, though you ask for forgivenss. Strange action to choose".

After another 3 hours passed and I couldn't help myself. I called her and left a message. I told her basically that I find it unacceptable that she not be able to find 5 mins to call me back. That clearly her drugs, mother, or whomever was the priority. That maybe I should just ask someone else to go that could find the time to call me back (opps on my part a- for saying it, and B- because there is no one else able to go). That today I would be going shoppoing for the trip and I expected that she call me or be there with me. If not, I would get my own stuff and she can be responsible for planning for herself (which in all likelyhood she cannot or will not do and means she will proabably cancel).

Now I wait on pins and needles for her to reply. I always set myself up like that. Truth is I want her to go. It will be more fun with her, especially since my other friends can't go. Almost regret making that call (even though I waited hours before making it so it would not be done purely reactively and in anger). :wtf2

IPT

I am fighting the urge to call her at work. I want to ask her "are you coming or not" bacause I could have some spare time during the day. If she isn't I could go then. Though I know this is just me rationalizing a call and to get my answer.....ugghh

cece1960

Be careful IPT, it sounds like you're dangerously close to being brought back into the dance.
I say that becasue I myself use this method often...putting direct ultimatums out there that make me furious when it doesn't spin my way in the end.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go re-read my "advice" to you again, and again, and again as a reminder to myself

I hope your trip goes well.
(((Hugs))))

IPT

I feel like just calling her and saying " I think you are doing a lot more than weed, or seeing someone else - I'm done!!". Yet, I have learned from past experience that when I do that I regret it and then back down. Can't wait to get to work from some distraction!

IPT

I'm not only in the dance I am spinning around so fast it's making me dizzy. What a bunch of BS. Just pisses me off.....

hello-kitty

I had to end contact with my ex because everytime I communicated with him, I realize that I have "expectations" for him to respond like a normal person, not the drug addict that he is.

My attempts at communication were actually attempts to try to control him, to illicit a specifc behavior from him.

It was very unhealthy for me. Finally I decided enough wa enough. I had to take care of myself. I was making myself sick.

IPT

Thanks Kitty - I wasn't doing that for a while - basically because she was acting like I had expected her too. Then over the weekend I was just frustrated enough to draw the line. Her sappy email yesterday 'hooked me" again.

I realize that my words last night were an effort for me to gain control. Today it is making me sick, the past few weeks have been much better for me regarding detachment and a sense of peace. I lost my way last night and even more so today....

HopeTo180

Be careful IPT, she'll take you down with her! Remain focused on you, where you have some control. Best of luck, keep us posted. Prayers

kingston

I have to agree with others, once I stopped communication with my AH my life become much calmer. While he is actively using he is not a normal person hence my reactions to him tend be not normal lol.

Anyway, what I have done in the past is put my boundary down and stuck with it no matter what.

Fake it till you make it!!!!!!

I would be going away this weekend, by myself, I happen to like myself, enjoy my company and could use the time away for "me time". Hiking and meditating, reading the books on my to do list. What a fantastic opportunity! I don't need a active A spoiling everything.

Just my two cents. Take care and be strong, you're worth it! K.

IPT

Thanks Hope - I do feel like I am going down with the ship. What a relapse on my part...
I broke down and texted. Kept it simple though. Just said "sorry your so sad and fearful".
Thank you all for the reminders and words. I so need them today

IPT

K -that's the thing. There is no opportunity for her to use there. Not really at least. When we are away from her family and temptation she does fine (for short periods at least) so just for then she is not an active addict.

If I end up going alone I will be okay with that. Have done it several times. Time will tell what it ends up being. I will not coerce her into going.

kingston

One of the major things that I have learned lately is that there is a huge difference between being sober and having sobriety.

For example, my husband who is an A stayed sober i.e. did not take one drink for four years. He did however have all the same characteristics of a drinking A, manipulation, denial, accepting zero responsibility, etc. He started drinking again and frankly there's not much difference in him - apart from the fact that I'm not living with him. He's the same, just drunk.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even if your W is not using, she will have the same characteristics as if she was.

For me I deserve a relationship that is 24/7 honest and open. Just my two cents - K.

IPT

Thanks for that K. I realize that, and have said that many times. Quitting the drugs would be the easy part. Staying away from the users (which happen to be her family unfortunately) and changing her characteristics would the hard part. She has said that a lot recently. "I need to change my thoughts", or "I need learn to trust", be honest, open, etc, etc. Reality is that that takes time. I am just not sure I have the energy to stick around. It will an evolution that will slowly occur. Wanting to do it and actively working at it are two different things.

I guess part of what makes me feel angry is that she says she does want that. Even takes a step or two toward it. Then not long after three or four back. Maybe that is the process. Clearly her recovery switch has not been flipped. May never be because too many of the people around her (ie her family) are in the same boat. It's a lot to give up coping stratagies, drugs, and your family all at the same time. Maybe even insurmountable....

Callie

In my experience they all "say" they want it. Wanting it badly enough and following through is another story. Hang in there and keep working YOUR OWN recovery.

IPT

Thanks Callie - I'm not sure if I am working it or it is working me.... I sure feel like I am getting worked over!

IPT

I have this insane urge to call her. Why am I so hellbent on getting her to respond to me? I am fighting for respect from someone who doesn't even respect themselves....arghh

Trofnelo

IPT, It's a nice thing to be asked out on a 5 day vacation. A normal person would say either happily "yes that's great thanks!!" or no, sorry I can't go, but thanks for asking. What you are going thru is normal when dealing with an addict, but it's not normal for a regular healthy relationship...like probably the way your friends reacted to your invitation. So anyway you need to just re-focus for awhile, the ball is in her court and you just calling and calling will make you feel worse at least that's been my experience.....

IPT

You are 100% correct. That is why I am not calling her, or at least haven't. She can call if she wants to and I know that. If I sneak up on her and get her on the phone at work she will just say she "can't talk now" and it WILL make me feel worse. The ball is in her court and I guess I have some control issues because it is driving me mad. Never had these issues before. I guess after 3 years with an addict and feeling like I have no control I HAVE become controlling to try and save my sanity. Being slow at work with time on my hands isn't helping much either....

Healthy relationship? Jeez, I can't even remember what that is like. It's amazing what we can adapt to over time. Then not want to let go of it even if cognitively we know it should be better.

This is a battle for me today. Not sure why so much today, I was strong till now... It ticks me off that she said she was happy they weren't going. She implies that she is going, yet has done nothing to prepare or even iron out the details.

Trofnelo

Addicts don't like healthy friends around because they can see right through the manipulations. It's much easier to get you to react the way she wants you to without them around. I am trying to get over my oxy addicted boyfriend and he was uncomfortable with my friends around also and that's the conclusion I have come to. When you don't feel so vulnerable advise her the list of stuff she has to do to come on the trip with you. If she doesn't at least do that then you gotta conclude that she really doesn't care if she goes...as much as a bummer as that is to you. Remember you deserve to be treated NICE!!

Trofnelo

One more thing, I would consider it rude to only "imply" I was going on a trip someone invited me on, I would either say yes or no wouldn't you?...only "implying" is keeping you on a string which is not nice and is probably manipulative as well.