newbie looking for support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: atlantic canada
Posts: 42
newbie looking for support
Hi everyone
I am so appreciative to find this forum. When I looked at the different threads it was difficult to decide on which one to write as my situation is complex. My boyfriend of three years is an active alcoholic. I have refused to move in with him because his life is so chaotic. He is suffering from PTSD from his years as a police officer and although he uses his condition as a justification for his drinking he has never sought help for either problem.
To add to this his 20 year old daughter has a severe drug addiction. She has recently been diagnosed with anti social personality disorder and polysubstance abuse. She has 11 indictable charges she is facing in court and her father and mother have both historically rescued her from the consequences of her actions. She had been sent to a forensic psychiatric hospital for a 30 day evaluation and spent the majority of her time in isolation. She was then transported back to jail and spent a week there until her parents could arrange a hearing in court where they both got on the stand to testify that she should be released into her father's care until she goes to a long term rehab facitlity.
That was 10 days ago. It has been an unimaginable 10 days. She lasted 2 days with saying how grateful she was to be out of jail thanking her father over and over again. On day 3 she was back to her drug behavior of lying, manipulating, demanding, and testing the boundaries of her court ordered release conditions. The more she acts out the more my b/f drinks. She exhausts him on purpose because she knows he will eventually go to his lazyboy and pass out....leaving her to do whatever for an hour or so.
She is currently on methadone and is being tapered quickly in order to go to rehab and the doctor has prescribed anxiety and sleep medication. She has already cheeked her medication and later snorted it in her room. She has taken off on a dirt bike for an hour. Yesterday her mother forgot her medication on the kitchen table and now there are 17 pills missing. She states to her father that she wants to be with him and not her mother because she "finds it more peaceful with him". The reason is because he is intoxicated and lives in denial until it's too obvious to deny regarding her behavior and drug use. She can get as high as she wants while with him.
I no longer go to his home when she is there as she has threatened to kill me in the past and lies about me to others....that I have pushed her and raged at her for no reason. She wants me out of her father's life because she is unable to manipulate me and she views everyone in her life as tools to get what she wants. Her lawyer described her as the worst spoiled brat he has ever met in his career of 30 years.
There is so much more to say but for now this is all the time I will allow myself to use in focusing on the two of them. I am learning perhaps slowly to allow myself to focus on me instead of this crazy situation but any words of advise will be greatly appreciated....geez just writing those words just now has made me so emotional....
Thanks to all and God Bless you...
SM
I am so appreciative to find this forum. When I looked at the different threads it was difficult to decide on which one to write as my situation is complex. My boyfriend of three years is an active alcoholic. I have refused to move in with him because his life is so chaotic. He is suffering from PTSD from his years as a police officer and although he uses his condition as a justification for his drinking he has never sought help for either problem.
To add to this his 20 year old daughter has a severe drug addiction. She has recently been diagnosed with anti social personality disorder and polysubstance abuse. She has 11 indictable charges she is facing in court and her father and mother have both historically rescued her from the consequences of her actions. She had been sent to a forensic psychiatric hospital for a 30 day evaluation and spent the majority of her time in isolation. She was then transported back to jail and spent a week there until her parents could arrange a hearing in court where they both got on the stand to testify that she should be released into her father's care until she goes to a long term rehab facitlity.
That was 10 days ago. It has been an unimaginable 10 days. She lasted 2 days with saying how grateful she was to be out of jail thanking her father over and over again. On day 3 she was back to her drug behavior of lying, manipulating, demanding, and testing the boundaries of her court ordered release conditions. The more she acts out the more my b/f drinks. She exhausts him on purpose because she knows he will eventually go to his lazyboy and pass out....leaving her to do whatever for an hour or so.
She is currently on methadone and is being tapered quickly in order to go to rehab and the doctor has prescribed anxiety and sleep medication. She has already cheeked her medication and later snorted it in her room. She has taken off on a dirt bike for an hour. Yesterday her mother forgot her medication on the kitchen table and now there are 17 pills missing. She states to her father that she wants to be with him and not her mother because she "finds it more peaceful with him". The reason is because he is intoxicated and lives in denial until it's too obvious to deny regarding her behavior and drug use. She can get as high as she wants while with him.
I no longer go to his home when she is there as she has threatened to kill me in the past and lies about me to others....that I have pushed her and raged at her for no reason. She wants me out of her father's life because she is unable to manipulate me and she views everyone in her life as tools to get what she wants. Her lawyer described her as the worst spoiled brat he has ever met in his career of 30 years.
There is so much more to say but for now this is all the time I will allow myself to use in focusing on the two of them. I am learning perhaps slowly to allow myself to focus on me instead of this crazy situation but any words of advise will be greatly appreciated....geez just writing those words just now has made me so emotional....
Thanks to all and God Bless you...
SM
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us! Sorry that you are going through this 
There is a lot of support here -please check out the stickies at the top of this forum as well.
When we place the focus on ourselves it is then when we begin to see things more clear-and stop the "crazies" Coming here was a good choice but also I would check into going to maybe an Al-Anon meeting?! They have given me a lot of tools for living a peaceful serene life today.
When I remove myself from people that continue with destructive behavior it gives me the power to be stronger and know that I can only change myself not them.
Keep posting that is what we are here for! You are not alone
There is a lot of support here -please check out the stickies at the top of this forum as well.
There is so much more to say but for now this is all the time I will allow myself to use in focusing on the two of them. I am learning perhaps slowly to allow myself to focus on me instead of this crazy situation but any words of advise will be greatly appreciated....geez just writing those words just now has made me so emotional....
When I remove myself from people that continue with destructive behavior it gives me the power to be stronger and know that I can only change myself not them.
Keep posting that is what we are here for! You are not alone
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome. Keep reading and posting. THis place is wonderful.
You cannot change any of those creating the drama and madness in your life. You can change you and the way you interact and respond. You can set boundaries, laing out what behaviors you find acceptable and unacceptable, and decide what you will do if those boundaries are violated. You can figure out why you choose to be involved with an active alcoholic, what you are getting out of it and how to change your choices. Life can be so much better than what you have right now. You deserve better.
You cannot change any of those creating the drama and madness in your life. You can change you and the way you interact and respond. You can set boundaries, laing out what behaviors you find acceptable and unacceptable, and decide what you will do if those boundaries are violated. You can figure out why you choose to be involved with an active alcoholic, what you are getting out of it and how to change your choices. Life can be so much better than what you have right now. You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
Boundaries
How do you set boundaries when your AH is exploding with anger over nothing? My AH last night suddenly decided he was upset about nothing....again...and started cursing and cursing at me. If he feel any injustice has been done to him...it's always about him....then he can go from normal to beligerent in seconds...drunk or not. I'm so tired of this behavior..... I'm attendnig al-anon meetings but still don't know how to set these boundaries for acceptable behavior.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by boomerlady 
How do you set boundaries when your AH is exploding with anger over nothing? My AH last night suddenly decided he was upset about nothing....again...and started cursing and cursing at me. If he feel any injustice has been done to him...it's always about him....then he can go from normal to beligerent in seconds...drunk or not. I'm so tired of this behavior..... I'm attendnig al-anon meetings but still don't know how to set these boundaries for acceptable behavior.
A couple of possible ways to react to this:
Leave the room
Leave the house
You cannot change his behaviors. You can change how you respond to those behaviors to protect yourself. Decide in advance what you can do if he does X.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
Boundaries
i left the room, got on the computer in another room...not close to where he was....he came into that room after a few minutes to badger me some more. i walked back to the room he was in with him and asked him what he wanted me to do? i told him that nothing i did was intentional so what did he want. he cusses some more to himself but left me alone then. i guess i do know something about boundaries but it is very emotionally draining to deal with these sudden rages from him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by boomerlady
i left the room, got on the computer in another room...not close to where he was....he came into that room after a few minutes to badger me some more. i walked back to the room he was in with him and asked him what he wanted me to do? i told him that nothing i did was intentional so what did he want. he cusses some more to himself but left me alone then. i guess i do know something about boundaries but it is very emotionally draining to deal with these sudden rages from him.
I note I could not stay, I could not just detach. I did it to some extent when we were still living together but I did it without having ever heard of detachment. I guess what I did was just ignore him most of the time. We lived in the same building but didn't live together if you know what I mean. I could not continue that way so I chose to leave.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
Boundaries
yes, i understand too well about living in the same building but not sharing in anything. he usually is unavailable to me every evening that he is home. he isolates himself watching movies or on the computer. i'm to the point of wanting this to be over but i want him to leave. i want this house and don't want to uproot my daughter/granddaughter from it to initially get him out. the mortgage has both our names on it though so it may be difficult to get him out first.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I'd consult with an attorney. But in general moving out now should have no impact on who ends up with the house later on. If it increases your peace, you may want to consider taking a place while this all works out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
Boundaries
Thanks for listening and gently suggesting. Living with an AH is always a roller coaster ride and it just seems the only way to get off is to jump. I've always been a cautious person and thus, i find myself stuck in this situation for way too many years. i'll try to consult an attorney and find out the legalities of getting this house.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: atlantic canada
Posts: 42
I am so glad I joined today. Thank you all who responded. I just wrote a quick response and it was lost in cyberland. It brought me back to the register screen for some reason. Oh well...I'll respond again.
I am taking to heart all that is being said. I have gone to Al-Anon in the past but I was at an angry stage and kept thinking....Why am I the one going to meetings and dealing with this stuff....I mean I am not the one with the problem....Oh was I wrong....
This disease of addiction affects everyone around them and I have become just as sick as they are...so that is why I am here....to learn...to grow....and hopefully find myself again...
Thank you again for your support..
SM
I am taking to heart all that is being said. I have gone to Al-Anon in the past but I was at an angry stage and kept thinking....Why am I the one going to meetings and dealing with this stuff....I mean I am not the one with the problem....Oh was I wrong....
This disease of addiction affects everyone around them and I have become just as sick as they are...so that is why I am here....to learn...to grow....and hopefully find myself again...
Thank you again for your support..
SM
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
SM, I felt the same way when I attended an AlAnon meeting. The meeting was great and helpful, but I couldn't hlep but think it was so unfair that I was the one attending meetings and I wasn't even the one with the drinking/drugging problem. After reading and posting on this board I discovered that I actually DID have a problem. It is called codependancy! I learned that until I changed MY way of thinking and acting/reacting, things would never change. I also learned that I was enabling my XABF in many ways that I didn't even realize.
You are right when you say that addiction affects everyone around them. I am presently working on finding myself again too. It's hard to make yourself focus on you rather than others. That doesn't mean you don't care about the others......
As far as your situation with the ABF's daughter.....I am not a parent so it would be hard for me to have much input. I have had experience with a step-daughter years ago and I know exactly how that kind of manipulation feels.
I'm sure others will have good input on this
Keep your chin up
You are right when you say that addiction affects everyone around them. I am presently working on finding myself again too. It's hard to make yourself focus on you rather than others. That doesn't mean you don't care about the others......
As far as your situation with the ABF's daughter.....I am not a parent so it would be hard for me to have much input. I have had experience with a step-daughter years ago and I know exactly how that kind of manipulation feels.
I'm sure others will have good input on this
Keep your chin up
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Hi Maggie. I'm so glad you joined SR!! This is 24/7 support and I have found it to be my best friend with all these addiction issues. I've also made some best friends from here, literally, with telephone calls and the mail - it's been wonderful!
If I read correctly, you and your boyfriend do not live together right? What a blessing right there. You have the power of choice and if you don't feel like dealing with him or his daughter at any given moment - you get to leave.
The most important thing you can do for yourself is leave, step back and find your perspective.
The people on SR are experts in the field. They are survivors. No, none of us asked for this. I was also angry when I found out that I had a problem because I thought my only problem was my husband. It is extremely difficult to look at and within ourselves. I struggle with it every day - not that I think I'm perfect - I guess maybe the injustice of it all. We will learn together - how about that?
Anyway - Welcome!!!
If I read correctly, you and your boyfriend do not live together right? What a blessing right there. You have the power of choice and if you don't feel like dealing with him or his daughter at any given moment - you get to leave.
The most important thing you can do for yourself is leave, step back and find your perspective.
The people on SR are experts in the field. They are survivors. No, none of us asked for this. I was also angry when I found out that I had a problem because I thought my only problem was my husband. It is extremely difficult to look at and within ourselves. I struggle with it every day - not that I think I'm perfect - I guess maybe the injustice of it all. We will learn together - how about that?
Anyway - Welcome!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
savingmaggie,
I'm so glad you found us. I hope that we can act as a little island of serenity for you. Sounds like you are doing the right things -- keeping yourself safe from daughter's rages and addiction, keeping yourself safe from boyfriend's alcoholism, and all of the chaos and madness that comes with both.
Only you can decide whether this relationship is contributing to your happiness in life, or is eroding it away. But in the meantime, keeping boundaries and protecting your heart, your peace of mind, and your own wishes and dreams --- these are the best things you can be doing. You can't control their choices. You can only control yours. For me, choosing peace was important in order to get done all of the things I want to do with my few decades' worth of precious time here on the planet
Hugs,
GL
I'm so glad you found us. I hope that we can act as a little island of serenity for you. Sounds like you are doing the right things -- keeping yourself safe from daughter's rages and addiction, keeping yourself safe from boyfriend's alcoholism, and all of the chaos and madness that comes with both.
Only you can decide whether this relationship is contributing to your happiness in life, or is eroding it away. But in the meantime, keeping boundaries and protecting your heart, your peace of mind, and your own wishes and dreams --- these are the best things you can be doing. You can't control their choices. You can only control yours. For me, choosing peace was important in order to get done all of the things I want to do with my few decades' worth of precious time here on the planet
Hugs,
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: atlantic canada
Posts: 42
Wow...
This is the place for me....so much has happened since I wrote last however I am home safe and sound focusing on my hone at the moment. I have cleaned and purged every room in order to get organized and to make room for something new....I am looking after myself and not reacting to what has gone on.
I am going to start going to a group that meets once a week at addiction services....I'll let you know my progress....
Yes I do get to leave....I married young and had children young and divorced young....I have remained "single" since then. I went to university for four years as a single parent when my youngest was 5....the others were aged 7 and 9....on welfare no less...never did get one cent of support from my ex husband...
I always felt that I would never be in a vulnerable situation again...I wanted financial independence....I own my own home...I have never entered into a living together situation with anyone since....I am aware that I am a caregiver type...I seem to always end up in a situation were I am the giver....and I always end up resenting them for it....I know now that I had the target on my forehead... pick me I'll look after you.
At 47 I am finally learning that I need....me...God forbid but ya hell I do....I have needs that I tend to shove down in order to be the caregiver.....I thank my lucky stars that I have my home to come home to....a place where I take care of me...
I look at my siblings and they have all been in marriages for years and sometimes I envy that...My hope is that I some day find that love....the one that transcends time...and if I really listened to that voice inside I guess it would be telling me to keep looking....My ABF is someone I share a lot of common interests with and we like spending time together....but that lasts as long as the vodka doesn't decide to rear it's ugly head....then the negativity and raging takes over...and I start thinking single again...
Anyway...thanks again everyone...I am a work in progress and hope to always be...
Love
SM
This is the place for me....so much has happened since I wrote last however I am home safe and sound focusing on my hone at the moment. I have cleaned and purged every room in order to get organized and to make room for something new....I am looking after myself and not reacting to what has gone on.
I am going to start going to a group that meets once a week at addiction services....I'll let you know my progress....
Yes I do get to leave....I married young and had children young and divorced young....I have remained "single" since then. I went to university for four years as a single parent when my youngest was 5....the others were aged 7 and 9....on welfare no less...never did get one cent of support from my ex husband...
I always felt that I would never be in a vulnerable situation again...I wanted financial independence....I own my own home...I have never entered into a living together situation with anyone since....I am aware that I am a caregiver type...I seem to always end up in a situation were I am the giver....and I always end up resenting them for it....I know now that I had the target on my forehead... pick me I'll look after you.
At 47 I am finally learning that I need....me...God forbid but ya hell I do....I have needs that I tend to shove down in order to be the caregiver.....I thank my lucky stars that I have my home to come home to....a place where I take care of me...
I look at my siblings and they have all been in marriages for years and sometimes I envy that...My hope is that I some day find that love....the one that transcends time...and if I really listened to that voice inside I guess it would be telling me to keep looking....My ABF is someone I share a lot of common interests with and we like spending time together....but that lasts as long as the vodka doesn't decide to rear it's ugly head....then the negativity and raging takes over...and I start thinking single again...
Anyway...thanks again everyone...I am a work in progress and hope to always be...
Love
SM
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