kelly381

I had a hard weekend. Sunday was brutal! I was looking for something in a cabinat and came across a picture of xabf when he was coaching my son's baseball team. I totally forgot about it (it's probably the only one I have left) It took me by surprise! I just stared at it...Then the doorbell rang! I IMMEDIATELY thought, "Al" I went to the door but it was only my son's friend looking for him. I shut the door and TOTALLY lost it...heart pounding out of my chest, hands shaking, couldn't breathe. I missed him so much I could taste it!!! I went upstairs and just starting bawling. I realized how f'd up I really was, involuntarily reacting like that to a DOORBELL! I thought it's been almost 3 months and I'm STILL not over it. I thought of how stupid I was being cause I'm sure he's not giving me a second thought, he was probably at that moment out doing something amazing with is gf...he certainly wasn't laying in bed crying over me. I got myself up and went into the shower. Afterwards I went downstairs to get a drink and I saw I had 2 missed calls? I was like????? It was HIM!!! I checked to see the time he called (cause I didn't hear the phone) and it was the same time I was upstairs having my meltdown. He actually WAS lying in bed thinking of me (????, he works 3rd shift right now) i of course took that as a sign...i am a huge believer in fate and all that. Out od shear curiosity, I called him back and we talked for a little. He just wanted to see what I was doing...I didn't tell him I was out of my mind missing him. I acted like I was peachy keen. Anyway, we hung up and I haven't heard from him since. I ALMOST expected to hear from him after work today...but I don't know why? I don't know!?!? I don't know why I can't shake this. I actually pay a psych to help me, but I don't listen to him??? He says I WANT it...and honestly, I do...but I don't want to. I want him how I want him...not how he is. He CAN BE but it never lasts long...he's been an A for 20 years...in and out of rehabs/mental wards...it's only going to get worse every time. i know I am better off without him but I honestly can't shake him. Even with all his issues...we connected almost on a cellular level. I know that sounds insane but I don't know how else to explain it. All my friends/family don't get it...and I don't dare say that to them. But we are like the same people only different. We have the same stupid idiosyncricies (sp?) Just dumb stuff but it really makes you think.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I don't dare say any of this to anyone else. Nobody understands. They think he's sh*t and i shouldn't look back

prodigal

I hope you will quit beating up on yourself so mercilessly. I spent countless hours doing that myself. Self-flaggelation was my hobby. "What if ...." "If ONLY I had ...." "Why didn't I ..."

It's been three months. 90 days. This is a short period of time. It sounds like you are a bundle of raw emotions. That's okay. Emote. Cry, scream, talk to yourself, pretend you're talking to him. I imagine quite a few fellow commuters looked over at the crazy woman driving along and having a conversation with ... nobody!

I would talk to my exAH. I would yell at him. I would say the things I never dared to say because I was afraid of him hitting me. I spent about a year venting/ranting in my car to and from work.

I read something years ago that has stuck with me. When we go through a breakup, we lose a piece of ourselves. We give ourselves to another person, and we can never get that piece back. Part of the grieving process is over losing someone we loved. The other part is grieving the part of ourselves we gave away.

Please keep reading and posting. Have you given Al-Anon a try? We are here to support you. Believe me, I have walked more than a few miles in your shoes. I am living proof that it DOES get better. But first you have to go through the pits to get back on the mountaintop.

It DOES get better.

Chic

"Even with all his issues...we connected almost on a cellular level. I know that sounds insane but I don't know how else to explain it."

Just as he is addicted to his drug ... you are addicted to him. Alcoholics manipulate us into thinking we connected "on a cellular level."

Just as I "immediately felt as one" with my EABF-his new "love" told me when they "looked into each other eyes they clicked-they both felt it and knew they were meant to be." And when they break up he will move on to "bond with another."

I am not saying this to hurt you. It hurt me when I realized the truth about the man I had wasted so many years of my life with. Just as some of the other codependents feel they wasted theirs.

So, take care of yourself, have faith in yourself, and as Prodigal said "It DOES get better." (but not unless YOU allow yourself too.) You will be in my thoughts and best wishes.

kelly381

Thank you both for the insight and kind words. I found this site after he told me his sponsor said I should go to Al-Anon. I've never been to a meeting but I find this site helpful. I love it.

I know I am being manipulated and that is part of what ticks me off. I want sooo much to just not pick up the phone. Don't listen...cause i know he's just weaving
Some days I am so strong, but others...geez! Somedays I wonder how I do get to work cause I AM the crazy woman talking to herself in the car, LOL

Thanks again, I really do appriciate you guys

Rella927

Kelly

Maybe try an Al-Anon meeting...I was told for close to 2 years to go and I refused! I said "why should I go?" "There is nothing wrong with me it is them" well one day I finally went and I went because of the countless A's in my life finally as I came to a point I could not take it anymore and was beating myself up too....I stayed as most say for ME! I found out there was actually a lot of things wrong with me! Today I strive to change myself and not anyone else because they cannot be what I want them to be only I can be what I want me to be! Unacceptable behavior is no longer allowed in my life-

Al-Anon and SR have taught me a lot about myself!

I love what prod stated about grieving the loss of giving a part of ourself away....it is so true!

We have the power to gain our lives back if we work at it! I still find pictures of my XABF and I also have pictures of my brother and looking at them today it makes me sad but only for a short time....this is because I have gained compassion for them. I give them to my HP and hope that they find their way to a better life like i have.

We cannot change anyone but ourselves....it is ok to feel what you are feeling so please stop beating yourself up! It is what we need to go through to get to a better place....if you continue to speak to him IMHO it is only going to make it that much harder to forget about him.

When you are ready to do what you need to do for yourself you will stop picking up the phone however until then be gentle with yourself! Come here vent....vent in your car do what you need to do for Kelly!

I found when I kept myself occupied with things I enjoyed doing it also became much easier to get through all the thoughts, feelings about my XABF too....Go for a walk, a bike ride, call a friend, take a nice hot bubble bath-READ, JOURNAL ...

Hang in there and this too shall pass

windingroad

my feeling is that those who have been devastated by the abuse of an addict have been traumatized. they are victims of trauma and my feeling is they are not addicted to anything, they are experiencing triggers which evoke the upwelling of trauma.

i also have experienced what you did: the sudden shock of a photograph, actually, which i did not expect to come across and i shook head to toe as if an electric current was running through me.

ask anyone who has had a car accident or some similar "crash": they will tell you that their experience of the accident can be triggered by certain sights or smells.

relationship with--deep love for--an active addict is the equivalent, in my opinion, to a devastating disaster: tornado, hurricane, typhoon, addict.

healing from this takes time. but like all who have survived disasters know: the clearing away makes room for the new to grow. fresh green sprouts.

you are not crazy. just traumatized.

Lizziesd

It's hard to not look back. Please don't feel bad about that. It's only normal. When you do look back and remember the good things, please also remember the bad things, the fights, the frustrations, and the reasons why you had to move on. Also, remember that you wouldn't want your son to grow up thinking that being an alcoholic is cool and acceptable. When you remember the bad stuff, you will also remember why you need to move on. It won't be easy. I still get sad. The holidays will suck, as I look back, but you know what...i will also remember how he scrapped my car because he drank a lot at a holiday party, lied to me and still drove my car and srapped the bumper badly. Read, "Its called a break up because its broken". Make a list of his pro's and con's. You will see the con's outweight the pro's. Also, make a list of the things you will miss about him and then you will see it's nothing unique to him. For instance, i will miss the affection, the hand holding. Surely, I know that he is not the only man in the world that can provide that for me. I wish you the best of luck. Vent as much as you need too. Seek therapy. Hugs,