IPT

So, this morning I got an email from my g/f. After her giving excuse after excuse for not being able to make it over on Friday night and most of Saturday (she had to "help" her mom - they are severley co-dependant, and uses drugs with her too) I stood my ground. I texted her I did not want to see her Sat night, nor Sunday. Later I texted again that I choose the wrong words. I did want to see her, but I was not willing to set myself to be hurt. I loved her, but she regularly choses drugs or her family over me and I think we have different priorities.

Her response...

Not sure how much longer, I will be able to surrvive like this. I am hurting beyond words & tears.

I have to do some work since I could not make it in to work on xxxxx. After that I may have to go because I am too upset.

My my clothes are at your house which you told me to stay away from and that you no longer wanted to see me....

I am glad you are taking care of yourself and not letting me bring you down.


I responded to her I did not say "forever", just for that weekend. I will not be her second choice any more. Of course now I feel bad. This email is manipulation (or is it...?), but I am sure she is hurting deeply to. What a bind.....

hello-kitty

quack quack quack. Yes it is manipulation. Remember, NO is a complete sentence.

You drew your boundary and you enforced logical consequences. It's going to take time for her to get used to that but that doesn't mean you are doing something "bad". She's going to push it and try to play your guilt feelings. She's trying to take the focus off her behavior and make you look like the bad guy for not accepting it. But you don't have to respond. The more times you respond, the more opportunity for her to continuing trying to manipulate and get you to change your mind.

Serenidad

I would tell her to make a choice, YOU or the DRUGS and get rid of her if she chooses the drugs. Don't let her ruin your life! NO HUMAN BEING IS WORTH THAT!

IPT

Kitty - she is good, as any addicit at playing the guilt card. I am an addict (addicted to her -not substances) - I know this hurts me but I still come back again and again. YET, I AM making changes. I have gone to a few AlAnon meetings, posted here, and AM changing my actions. I wish (and that is not good enough) that she would jump on-board. I know, only she can do that in her own time. Doesn't make it easy to watch her fall behind though.

Jen - cognatively I agree, and in fact have told her that before. It was more than I was ready to chew though. My steps are getting bigger and bolder, but they are still below that threshold.

I am a sucker everytime for her making me feel guilty and sad for her. I care about her, it's hard not to give a person who is hurting support. Though, she brings it on herself with her choices. It is just sad to see someone hurt and not take the action to change it....

scorpiogirl

The hardest part in setting a boundary is enforcing it. You back-slid when you changed it to "this week-end". What will be different after this week-end?

It's not about her, it's about you. She's just being who she is. Why are you involved with an addict? To get her to stop so she can be with you? When I got honest with myself, it looked like this - "maybe I'll never find anyone else". "Maybe I'm not good enough and this is all I get to have". Lies. When we believe the lies, the disease takes hold. :codiepolice

Get honest with yourself. I know this hurts and sucks big time yet, the deal is to look within and see what you see in this person and work on yourself becoming healthier. The reality; not the fantasy.

maybe a CoDA or Alanon meeting?

hugs, :ghug3

Callie

You know what - you are not wrong here at all. IF you allow her to continue treat you like this she will. I agree with the others CoDa or Alanon. You cannot continue to be the doormat that she chooses to stomp all over. Sorry to be harsh, but nothing will change if nothing changes. Hang in there and keep posting.

IPT

Scorpiogirl – Thanks for your input. I need to hear all this stuff. I actually didn’t “change” it to this weekend, that was my boundary/intention. I told her a few weeks ago I was not going to be her end of the weekend option. Either we are together or not for the weekends. If we are not enough times, there is no relationship and we will be over. I tried the all or nothing approach and caved unable to as you say enforce it. I can at this time handle saying “don’t come over” for a few days. I am not yet ready to say goodbye all the way. That was her interpretation of my words, not my intention.

I am working on me and why I myself am emotionally unavailable with healthy people. Could have been engaged many times, just wasn’t interested. Have several people interested right now that I could date but I am just not interested (yet). Meeting girls has never been all that difficult for me. Meeting ones I was interested in has been. With her it is all flipped around. A part of the problem is yes, I am living a fantasy and am just now coming to terms with the reality of what I really have. A great few days or week, then days of nothing.

I have been to a few AlAnon meetings. I also am seeing a counselor. I am a work in progress. That’s the problem though, I for the most part am the only one taking action. What I have succeeded in doing is not blowing up, or over-reacting thus giving her an excuse to not be present or use. Now, just in the past few weeks she has had to own the reasons for her absence.

Thank you. I will re-read this and the other posts as I journey toward my own recovery.

funkzter

Hi IPT,

For my part, i think you are doing really great. As you mentioned above, you're not ready to erase her from your life - and no one is asking you to- and you take the few steps you're ready to take at this stage. Yes, it's work in progress
Honnestly i think there is no right or wrong answers here and the only thing i'm certain is that we can only take what we can handle.
On my side, i've been in love with an addict for 8 years and i've been through so much it'll be too long to tell all, but basically i've done the "kick out of the house" "kick out of my life" "find another guy" "take breaks"...And now what? Now i have a baby with him. The fact is: after 8 years i still can't erase him from my life, and i have accepted the fact that i probably won't be able to do so as i love him just plainly too much and life is just empty without him.
One thing though: eventhough i have accepted the fact that i am in love with an addict and accepted that i - until now - stick by his side, i am still quite firm with boundaries and there's stuff i could NEVER accept. And be sure that, eventhough i sound (and probably am) sooo codependant, i still have a lot of happiness in my life and find balance in a lot of different areas in my life.
Just have to know what your boundaries are.

Take care x
Carine

ZombieWife

Keep offering her help. She says she is suffering, doesn't know how long she can take it. Ask her to come back to the world. Ask her every time you communicate. Ask her to help herself. Keep asking. Keep reiterating: "you know what you have to do." It's not out of spite or nastiness that you are making boundaries, it's for self preservation. No relationship will survive this kind of thing unless she gets help.

Keep telling her you care, but you want to give it a real shot, not just bending to her drug-use. You do want to be first. You deserve that. Period.

We're all human. You can still be loving and offer help w/o enabling her.

Her: I can't do this anymore. I want to die.
You: Help is there for you. I love you.
Her: You shouldn't have to put up with me.
You: Help is there for you. I love you.
Her: Good job at taking care of yourself and not letting me bring you down.
You: Help is here. You can also take care of yourself. I love you.

Nowhere did you offer money or back away from your boundaries.

scorpiogirl

We're all a work in progress. Your line of "I am living a fantasy and am just now coming to terms with the reality of what I really have" is a very, very powerful statement. I like to say there is a step before the 1st step and that is awareness. We can't start to change things if we're unaware there is a problem.

I applaud you for looking at self. Unless she gets help and I mean really stops drinking and looking at herself, ....and/or unless you're willing to have things just as they are, I see a relationship filled with frutility. Either way, it will be a bumpy road. Any relationship that has addiction in it, intimacy is blocked.

Keep posting and reading. You're on your way!

ScorpioGirl

hello-kitty

I think we all wish that, IPT, for the addicts in our lives. Otherwise we wouldn't be here. I pray every freaking night that my sons father would step up to the plate, stop smoking crack and be a father to the little boy that absolutely worships the ground he walks on. You'd THINK the unconditional love & perpetual adoration of a gorgeous little three year old boy would be enough to keep him clean and honest. But he doesn't give a crap about anyone except himself and his dope.

Pretty pathetic. But I'm not going to live in a dreamland. I have to move on for the sake of my son. Minimize the damage his father is causing his psyche and be a strong parent.

For my sake and the sake of my son.

I drew a boundary. Not an unreasonable boundary. But a realistic boundary. What man in his right mind wouldn't live within that boundary? Obviously a man who is NOT in his right mind. And I have no reason to be surprised. After all he's an addict doing what addicts do. Just because he is destroying his life, doesn't mean I should give him the power to destroy my life or his sons life.

And just because your g/f is destroying her life, doesn't mean you should give her the power to destroy yours.

She's just doing what addicts do.

katie44

Yes it sounded like a manipulation tactic. They become prfesionals at it. It is so hard to stick to boundaries they have a way of edging themselves in to our hearts. It is small steps at a time. In the future you will feel better sticking to your boundaries.

rahsue

addicts are so very good at making us feel guilty. ask yourself some questions. How long do you think you can live with an addict? If you choose to cut her loose, what will you do? Does it make more sense to cut her loose or keep her?

good luck

IPT

rahsue - I've "lived" with her for 3 years... the last 1 and half have been a downward spiral. I literally can't go on elike this much longer, if at all. Makes me sad, like I failed in some way. Like maybe there was something more I could do. Though really I am the only one doing anything significant regarding change.

What would I do if I cut her loose? Don't know. Try to get my act back together and re-find myself. Come to peace with the aftermath. Try and find out why I lose intrest in healthy gals.

Truth is though I am doing all those things now anyway. I just had hopes of use doing our seperate work side by side, growing together, and being strong when the other was weak (and vise versa of course).

Abundance

I too have that hope IPT.... I do. Our motto is that we are in this together. But it has start with one of us.

It is starting with "ME"..... yes he is in the throws of detox - so that means he is too - but really .. it means I have to let him go through this and do this for himself. Meanwhile..... I'm doing what is needed to be done for me!

Try to stay emotionally sober. If you are emotionally drunk you are good to no one - especially yourself and her!

So really what it is that you are asking is how you get to that place..... you are there - but you don't see it that you are because it changes pretty much on the hour. Heck - when you read this you might be at a point of strength.... or maybe you won't be.

Go through those detach posts you put together (I think it was you)... and detach lovingly. It helps me to use imagery. Cutting that umbilical chord. Focusing on the sensations in my body that I am feeling..... observing them only - making no judgement - having no craving for a different feeling. Acceptance for what it is - how I am feeling. Observe.... breathe - observe.

HUGS xo

IPT

Well said AB. Thing is I AM THE ONLY ONE doing anything active. She is all talk and I am tired of it. What riles me up and hooks me into the chaos, anger, and unconscious behavior is her disrespectful actions, or lack of action. Not calling me back, texting some excuse and saying "can't talk now" when I know damn well she is just with her family or smoking weed. That pisses me off to no end and is no way to treat someone you care about. It's that lack of respect for me and my needs that make me lose my balance. Don;t make plans with me and go use, that's your issue. Make plans with me and cancel last min, or no show, now it's my issue too.

I have changed. I am focusing on letting her live her life and if it doesn't suit me or my needs I'll leave. Then she just says "see you're doing good, I'm the one with all the problems". "I can't do anything right" "I'm screwed up beyond repair", yada, yada, ya. So do something about it!

It has just gotton so bad as she plumets into the depths of dispair. Truth is I dont see her enough to even know if that's the case. She can't (or chooses) not to communicate very well. Without that what do you have.

So, yes I am working on me. However, in a relationship it's a 2 way street!!

Done_With_It

I don't mean this mean at all, Just an observation, but do you really think an addict or anyone has the power to "make you feel"?
I see this sentence a lot... I'm just wondering because I don't let anyone make me feel anything, if I feel something it's on me, I have learned to own what I feel. When I was using meth, my "Dad" made me feel a certain way,
so did others, which was not really my truth, just what I wanted to think so I could see what I wanted to see.


Not saying anyone is right or wrong, just curious. 8

:ghug2

hello-kitty

Great post done-with-it.

Instead of saying "he makes me feel xxxx", I can own my feelings by saying "I feel xxxx when he does yyyy."

The next step is deciding what I am going to do about it...

It's great practice in setting boundaries and helps me focus more on exactly what I can control in this world - myself and what I can't - other people.