BohemiMamaof3

Somebody wrote the above on another thread. Then, also keep in mind DesertEye’s recent post on keeping fantasies. We all know there are true stories and instances where someone didn’t give up on someone else, they were persistent, and finally one day their persistence paid off an their loved one was changed/healed/transformed. How do you temper having hope and not giving up? Is it contrary to acceptance, realistic expectations and letting go of a fantasy? I feel like the above poster at times - I think what if something I do or say is finally the thing that brings a breakthrough. I mean, I know there have been people in my life, who gave me one piece of advice or their action caused me to stop and think and really impacted me for the better. Other times I think, this is reality, I accept that thing may or may not get better, but I have my own life and I have to move on. It helps to feel that way sometimes. Other times I just feel sad. Sad that this is what it is with the A Loved One in my life. Is it a fantasy to hope that one day my Abrother will be better, and have a happy life and we will have a close family? Is it fantasy to want to reach out to him and say, hey buddy, please know that I am pulling for you and it breaks my heart to see you live a life that is so far below what you are capable of and deserve?

Barbara52

For me the big difference between fantasy and hope is the connection to reality and the recognition of lack of control.

I have hope that someday my xAH will break thru his denial and enter recovery. I have hope that my sons will have a good life with careers they find fulfilling. Both these are based in reality since they can happen and are things over which I have no control.

If these were fantasies: I would think that if I did X or said Y, my xAH would get out of denial and into recovery. If I did X or said Y, my sons would get where I think they need to be to have a good life. Neither is based in reality and both assume I have control over people and things I do not control.

OverItNow

In my mind the what makes all the difference is how the hope impacts my life.

What I mean by this is this: I don't want to turn my back on anyone in need, however, if that hope--or my help--impacts my life negatively, what good am I doing anyone?

I know people who take drugs, my mother is extremely negative, I am married to an alcoholic and verbal/emotional abuser. Do I want those people to get help and live a peaceful, joyous life? Of course--as I do anyone who is going through troubles. However, I also deserve a peaceful and joyous life. If I absorb all of their troubles in trying to help them through, well, I get (and am currently) just as sick as any one of them.

I don't think it's fantasy to pull for your brother at all. It's not fantasy to hope he has the rich and rewarding life he deserves. It is fantasy, unfortunately, to think your hopes can make it come true. Peace to you tonight.

CatsPajamas

I think it has to do with motive, also. I used to pray that my exH would be transformed and get over his rages and his violent mood swings. My motive was so that I would be ok if he quit yelling at me.

Today I pray differently. I pray that the people in my life will find peace.... for them, not for me.

GiveLove

No, that's just called support. I always told my ABrother I was pulling for him, I sent him addresses for recovery places, locations/days/times of AA meetings. I told him I loved him. I told him that I wanted him back from alcohol, and hoped he'd find healing.

Did I let him move in with me? Did I loan him (even more) money to pay his debts? Did I buy him a new car when he destroyed his own in a drunken fit? Gloss over all of the horrible things he did to our family members?

None of the above. Buying into any of that would have been buying into the fantasy that my "real" brother was right there just below the surface, and I just needed to show him the right love and support and do the right things and say some magical incantations and he would be all better again, and it would be like none of this ever happened. That it was just him in an alcohol suit, and one day voila! he'd take it off and it would all be hunky-dory.

I didn't let my fantasies get in the way of reality. But he always, always, always knew I loved him and that I was hoping he'd find peace. And I wanted it for HIS sake, not for mine. Like Cats says, that's probably the biggest difference.

So I'd say what I felt, and then get back to the hard job of crafting my own life & happiness.