Hindsight..... is ummm
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Hindsight..... is ummm
a double edged sword? The roller coaster of addiction is ongoing .... IF YOU ARE IN IT!!!!
I've learned about character defects (myself).... I've learned about resentments.... I've learned about the importance in trusting someone. Most of all trusting myself. Giving it over to my HP! Being powerless over everything.
I still keep going back - I do not detach by disengaging from it all - I detach for a little bit physically, and then once I'm back physically in it...... I detach emotionally; however, it's STILL present! If I detach physically - I don't detach emotionally. It's twisted.... I am not able to do both simultaneously!
My character defects are still PRESENT! Is there anyway that my character defects have now not caused too much resentment? Am I disrespecting myself? Am I hurting or helping? Am I enabling? WHAT JUST AM I DOING?
YES..... I did the following: I ratted him out to his family about his addiction. Several friends and family did an intervention - that is the #1 resentment he has towards me!
I also then ratted him out when he relapsed to those in the intervention!
THEN I told my family/friends just what the truth has been - because I LIED about all of this to them. When *I* needed the support after he relapsed to get through being away from him. THAT is now another resentment. He saw my father last night - and my father told him EXACTLY how he feels about all of this. My father also shared how my brother and mom feel. Which I interrupted and requested that to be taken off the table - because that is not my father's place to say. But my guy told me to honor my father and to not interrupt - or express that. My guy walked away from that meeting feeling totally defeated and that now he doesn't know if he can do this.
On Saturday (this weekend) ..... after he changed his numbers, my character defect (I REALIZE the trouble with it, and yet I do it!) But I checked his cell phone..... he messaged his dealer with some crazy lies. Not only does that mean the dealer now has his new number - but the lies he said are just crazy! However, we got through that. I actually called his friend/dealer - spoke with him on the phone..... GREAT guy btw.... we had a wonderful conversation. He is not my guy's major supplier - but he considers my guy as his best friend. My head is dazed in all of this. He told this friend of his that he was going to be back up there and that they were getting a place together! And that he was somewhere else with a broken down car and would get in touch at a later date. And that I was ganging up on him and to not let me in anyway shape or form to find out what his new number is!
My guy explained to me that was him letting the friend down "easy".... and that he feels that he has lost so many friends in all of this..... that he doesn't want to lose this one too! CRAZY ....... SO CRAZY! But my guy and I talked, we worked through it - I told him that I have compassion for this and that I forgive him............ and LETS MOVE FORWARD! Well..... now he has just another resentment towards me because I not only checked his phone and read the texts but now I have exposed the truth of our relationship to his friend who had NO idea about the extent of what we are! I exposed my guy in his double life. He said he would work through that resentment. And I believe in recovery he would.
NOW.... this morning.... his friend/drug enabler .... calls him. I ANSWER his phone because he is sleeping. Spent a really long time on the phone talking about religion and it was incredible. It's like all of us are rooting for my guy! He said that he would not give my guy any pills if he came up there again. However, he will have a place to stay if needed.
I SHOULD HAVE NOT ANSWERED THAT PHONE!!!!!!! WHAT IN THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!
I told my guy today upon waking what happened. He blames me now for putting him in the situation of having to be here because he has no where else to go! But that he isn't really saying that. Just that he is confused now about things.
My boys come home in an hour and a half. I told him he has 2 choices.... to be gone or to go in the guest room and that is how we will explain the situation. I will not share my bed with someone who is "unsure"..... while I realize that my character defects are the cause of all this. OF THIS DRAMA - yet the foundation is the addiction...... as he said..... my character defects are what has added fuel to the fire!
Can I get my character defects together and can we pull through this together? I feel that the best way is to not make any decision right now..... and give it some time and pray .... keep in the guest room...... stay in communication..... and get through this or not get through it. BUT I have to work on my character defects.
He says he is tired of all this talking and discussing.... he just wants some peace about it all. My response is that I understand that, as do I, but in order for us to move forward..... things like your dealer/friend calling you - and now your uncertainty of moving forward together because of your fear that my family will not allow us to be...... that he is just drained.
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Like I am on this crazy acid trip.
He said that before I spoke with his dealer/friend that he was certain.... but at the same time he came here with Adderall. (which he flushed on Saturday!)
This is ridiculous! I STILL have addiction in my life don't I?! Just because he is "clean" today - doesn't mean there is no addiction.
I think I need my head examined. I think you all must be shaking your heads thinking that I am the biggest moron! The good news though is that I have not shed a single tear .... I am just listening so hard and strong to my HP... to take this from me... to bear this. I have NO control ... and while I say I don't..... I do things like check his phone and answer a call from his drug dealer/friend! And then have a great conversation with guy talking about how I am giving it to God! And he is telling me that it was in God's plan that I did find those text messages with the lies.... because it got me to where I am right now!
Surprisingly enough right now...... i am calm and feel at peace. I have serenity in all of this... like.... it's truly all out of my hands!
And in the next hour - I will find out if he is going or staying in the guest room - and taking some time to see if all this is workable or if he is going to kill himself.
I've learned about character defects (myself).... I've learned about resentments.... I've learned about the importance in trusting someone. Most of all trusting myself. Giving it over to my HP! Being powerless over everything.
I still keep going back - I do not detach by disengaging from it all - I detach for a little bit physically, and then once I'm back physically in it...... I detach emotionally; however, it's STILL present! If I detach physically - I don't detach emotionally. It's twisted.... I am not able to do both simultaneously!
My character defects are still PRESENT! Is there anyway that my character defects have now not caused too much resentment? Am I disrespecting myself? Am I hurting or helping? Am I enabling? WHAT JUST AM I DOING?
YES..... I did the following: I ratted him out to his family about his addiction. Several friends and family did an intervention - that is the #1 resentment he has towards me!
I also then ratted him out when he relapsed to those in the intervention!
THEN I told my family/friends just what the truth has been - because I LIED about all of this to them. When *I* needed the support after he relapsed to get through being away from him. THAT is now another resentment. He saw my father last night - and my father told him EXACTLY how he feels about all of this. My father also shared how my brother and mom feel. Which I interrupted and requested that to be taken off the table - because that is not my father's place to say. But my guy told me to honor my father and to not interrupt - or express that. My guy walked away from that meeting feeling totally defeated and that now he doesn't know if he can do this.
On Saturday (this weekend) ..... after he changed his numbers, my character defect (I REALIZE the trouble with it, and yet I do it!) But I checked his cell phone..... he messaged his dealer with some crazy lies. Not only does that mean the dealer now has his new number - but the lies he said are just crazy! However, we got through that. I actually called his friend/dealer - spoke with him on the phone..... GREAT guy btw.... we had a wonderful conversation. He is not my guy's major supplier - but he considers my guy as his best friend. My head is dazed in all of this. He told this friend of his that he was going to be back up there and that they were getting a place together! And that he was somewhere else with a broken down car and would get in touch at a later date. And that I was ganging up on him and to not let me in anyway shape or form to find out what his new number is!
My guy explained to me that was him letting the friend down "easy".... and that he feels that he has lost so many friends in all of this..... that he doesn't want to lose this one too! CRAZY ....... SO CRAZY! But my guy and I talked, we worked through it - I told him that I have compassion for this and that I forgive him............ and LETS MOVE FORWARD! Well..... now he has just another resentment towards me because I not only checked his phone and read the texts but now I have exposed the truth of our relationship to his friend who had NO idea about the extent of what we are! I exposed my guy in his double life. He said he would work through that resentment. And I believe in recovery he would.
NOW.... this morning.... his friend/drug enabler .... calls him. I ANSWER his phone because he is sleeping. Spent a really long time on the phone talking about religion and it was incredible. It's like all of us are rooting for my guy! He said that he would not give my guy any pills if he came up there again. However, he will have a place to stay if needed.
I SHOULD HAVE NOT ANSWERED THAT PHONE!!!!!!! WHAT IN THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!
I told my guy today upon waking what happened. He blames me now for putting him in the situation of having to be here because he has no where else to go! But that he isn't really saying that. Just that he is confused now about things.
My boys come home in an hour and a half. I told him he has 2 choices.... to be gone or to go in the guest room and that is how we will explain the situation. I will not share my bed with someone who is "unsure"..... while I realize that my character defects are the cause of all this. OF THIS DRAMA - yet the foundation is the addiction...... as he said..... my character defects are what has added fuel to the fire!
Can I get my character defects together and can we pull through this together? I feel that the best way is to not make any decision right now..... and give it some time and pray .... keep in the guest room...... stay in communication..... and get through this or not get through it. BUT I have to work on my character defects.
He says he is tired of all this talking and discussing.... he just wants some peace about it all. My response is that I understand that, as do I, but in order for us to move forward..... things like your dealer/friend calling you - and now your uncertainty of moving forward together because of your fear that my family will not allow us to be...... that he is just drained.
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Like I am on this crazy acid trip.
He said that before I spoke with his dealer/friend that he was certain.... but at the same time he came here with Adderall. (which he flushed on Saturday!)
This is ridiculous! I STILL have addiction in my life don't I?! Just because he is "clean" today - doesn't mean there is no addiction.
I think I need my head examined. I think you all must be shaking your heads thinking that I am the biggest moron! The good news though is that I have not shed a single tear .... I am just listening so hard and strong to my HP... to take this from me... to bear this. I have NO control ... and while I say I don't..... I do things like check his phone and answer a call from his drug dealer/friend! And then have a great conversation with guy talking about how I am giving it to God! And he is telling me that it was in God's plan that I did find those text messages with the lies.... because it got me to where I am right now!
Surprisingly enough right now...... i am calm and feel at peace. I have serenity in all of this... like.... it's truly all out of my hands!
And in the next hour - I will find out if he is going or staying in the guest room - and taking some time to see if all this is workable or if he is going to kill himself.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Gosh Abundance - it does sound like a cluster. And it also sounds like he's not ready yet to do what it takes to leave his old life. It is a simple program and you do have to change only one thing - which is everything. If he stays sober and does the next right thing in time he would earn your family's respect and trust. The lack of respect and trust is a small price to pay right now for all that has happened. You are entitled to your support system and they need to know what is going on in your life. If he wants you to keep his secrets he is trying to keep you sick. I don't mean spreading the gory details but what is happening is also your experience and it is yours to share. My RAH knows that there is a limited group that I share details with but that I will share what I need to share. I am not able to be involved with him without a whole lot of outside support.
His keeping in touch and lying to his old drug friends and suppliers is a HUGE red flag as is the fact that he still had Adderall (even if he did seem to flush some away). It is a stimulant that MANY coke/crack abusers get ino. Even Strattera has a stimulating effect and should be avoided by recovering crack addicts (per RAH's psychiatrist).
I hope that your conversation with your BF goes well. I will tell you that the shame I now feel for having exposed my children to my RAH (although he was BF at the time) is doing a huge number on me. It sounds like your heart and head are at war with one another in regards to what you said about character defects. If he has resentments towards you they really aren't any of your business and he should be handling each and every one of them with his sponsor. My resentments towards RAH have to be worked through with another person in recovery before I even think about saying anything to him. We certainly aren't able to help one another through our resentments towards one another. That would be a tough road fraught with major potholes.
Thinking about you and the kids.
His keeping in touch and lying to his old drug friends and suppliers is a HUGE red flag as is the fact that he still had Adderall (even if he did seem to flush some away). It is a stimulant that MANY coke/crack abusers get ino. Even Strattera has a stimulating effect and should be avoided by recovering crack addicts (per RAH's psychiatrist).
I hope that your conversation with your BF goes well. I will tell you that the shame I now feel for having exposed my children to my RAH (although he was BF at the time) is doing a huge number on me. It sounds like your heart and head are at war with one another in regards to what you said about character defects. If he has resentments towards you they really aren't any of your business and he should be handling each and every one of them with his sponsor. My resentments towards RAH have to be worked through with another person in recovery before I even think about saying anything to him. We certainly aren't able to help one another through our resentments towards one another. That would be a tough road fraught with major potholes.
Thinking about you and the kids.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Ab - I can so relate to where you are at - all over sometimes. It is insane isn't it? I am struggling really hard to work on me. My AGF is great for a few days, says all the right things, does the right things, then falls. Well not all the right things. She just doesn't use and stays with me not her using family.
Didn't get the entire pic from your post if your guy was going to meetings. My gf has the schedule but is yet to attend. I am on here all the time and have gone to a few AlAnon meetings already. Kudos to us for doing our work!
Anyways..... good luck, you are not alone. Be strong and stick your ground. I like you have had to scale back my words and boundaries in order to stick to them. That is the important part. Like we have read before, we really do teach people how to treat us...
Didn't get the entire pic from your post if your guy was going to meetings. My gf has the schedule but is yet to attend. I am on here all the time and have gone to a few AlAnon meetings already. Kudos to us for doing our work!
Anyways..... good luck, you are not alone. Be strong and stick your ground. I like you have had to scale back my words and boundaries in order to stick to them. That is the important part. Like we have read before, we really do teach people how to treat us...
Perfectly Imperfect
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Wow Abundance.......I feel what you are going through. I completely get what you mean too by the detaching "emotionally" and "physically" yet not at the same time. Sometimes I feel like a snowglobe. Shake, Shake, Shake!! Everything is spinning and I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I know you probably don't think so but you sound very strong right now. I don't really know why it is that we do the things we do. I can say.....I don't think you have character flaws. You are doing something really important.....trusting yourself. Knowing that something isn't right. It does make us seem crazy though, huh? Hate it. But......like you......can't seem to kick it!
I think that working on ourselves, trusting ourselves and loving ourselves and learning how to care for ourselves is something that takes a long time. Just like our loved ones, we are going to have relapses. Don't be hard on yourself. I have read your posts over the past month or so and you are a very strong woman and you are very aware of the situation you are in and how it is affecting you. You are taking the right steps to get to where you need to be.........Just remember........it will all get better in time.
Hugs and Prayers! Keep us posted - we want to know how you're doing
I know you probably don't think so but you sound very strong right now. I don't really know why it is that we do the things we do. I can say.....I don't think you have character flaws. You are doing something really important.....trusting yourself. Knowing that something isn't right. It does make us seem crazy though, huh? Hate it. But......like you......can't seem to kick it!
I think that working on ourselves, trusting ourselves and loving ourselves and learning how to care for ourselves is something that takes a long time. Just like our loved ones, we are going to have relapses. Don't be hard on yourself. I have read your posts over the past month or so and you are a very strong woman and you are very aware of the situation you are in and how it is affecting you. You are taking the right steps to get to where you need to be.........Just remember........it will all get better in time.
Hugs and Prayers! Keep us posted - we want to know how you're doing
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
He says he is tired of all this talking and discussing.... he just wants some peace about it all. My response is that I understand that, as do I, but in order for us to move forward..... things like your dealer/friend calling you - and now your uncertainty of moving forward together because of your fear that my family will not allow us to be...... that he is just drained.
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Like I am on this crazy acid trip.
He said that before I spoke with his dealer/friend that he was certain.... but at the same time he came here with Adderall. (which he flushed on Saturday!)
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Like I am on this crazy acid trip.
He said that before I spoke with his dealer/friend that he was certain.... but at the same time he came here with Adderall. (which he flushed on Saturday!)
The addict will play the game, and play the game. That is why he is using the copout, trying to "hush" everybody up. He's not allowing others to express thier feelings, nothing is ever resolved...and that is where codependency begins. Tell him...." okay we'll all hush up, now get out, and don't come back!" Plain and simple.
When you are feeling like you are on acid, you have now crossed the line into codependency and his sickness. When you are talking to his drug dealer friends, and thinking in some sick way that will help, you are getting sicker.
I think you are becoming aware. There are red flags everywhere.
Sent with tough love,
NH7
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
((((Adundance))))
I know you are struggling....but life is still focusing on him.
Your character flaws and resentments are yours to own and work through, not as it reflects on him, or impacts him, but as it impacts your own life.
I really do beleive that we can not possibly begin to move forward with a relationship, until we've stopped long enough to know what WE need in our lives to be happy.
Take an hour, a day, a month and focus just on YOU. Not your life as it involves him, his friends, his problems, but just you.
Wishing you well
(((Hugs)))
I know you are struggling....but life is still focusing on him.
Your character flaws and resentments are yours to own and work through, not as it reflects on him, or impacts him, but as it impacts your own life.
I really do beleive that we can not possibly begin to move forward with a relationship, until we've stopped long enough to know what WE need in our lives to be happy.
Take an hour, a day, a month and focus just on YOU. Not your life as it involves him, his friends, his problems, but just you.
Wishing you well
(((Hugs)))
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Abs - Just going to be Anvil for a minute.... 
You need to detach - the further you get into this the more crazy it's making you. From the tone of your posts your guy is playing both sides of the field and YOU are the one to get hurt. I see you laying the truth out there and then sticking up for him and then more truth and more defense. This cycle won't stop until you stop it. It for sure doesn't sound like he's ready to be clean for any long periods of time. You know how crazy this is making YOU - how much is it affecting your kids? Detachment for a day or a week is not enough. I see him reeling you in time after time again. I can't think of any great oneliners like anvil does. But you need to detach from the sounds of it.
Believe me I KNOW where you're at. Look at me - I just posted again about AH and MIL. I was ok for about 2 days and now it's all drama and chaos again. For about 4-5 days I had hope for AH - notsomuch the last few days. I've said before - it's like I know how to swim, but will all but let myself drown to save someone else. The difference is ... I have TWO young innocent lives to save too. How much do I let AH's addiction drown us all? It's not like he got involved in drugs and got help and moved on. He keeps trying to take you (and ah me) down over and over and over again. Drowning us ALL - all the while I know how to swim. It's your decision, but seems to me you need to step back and assess the situation from OUTSIDE the eye of the hurricane. Because from the inside the view is not clear. JMHO - hang in there and keep posting.
You need to detach - the further you get into this the more crazy it's making you. From the tone of your posts your guy is playing both sides of the field and YOU are the one to get hurt. I see you laying the truth out there and then sticking up for him and then more truth and more defense. This cycle won't stop until you stop it. It for sure doesn't sound like he's ready to be clean for any long periods of time. You know how crazy this is making YOU - how much is it affecting your kids? Detachment for a day or a week is not enough. I see him reeling you in time after time again. I can't think of any great oneliners like anvil does. But you need to detach from the sounds of it.Believe me I KNOW where you're at. Look at me - I just posted again about AH and MIL. I was ok for about 2 days and now it's all drama and chaos again. For about 4-5 days I had hope for AH - notsomuch the last few days. I've said before - it's like I know how to swim, but will all but let myself drown to save someone else. The difference is ... I have TWO young innocent lives to save too. How much do I let AH's addiction drown us all? It's not like he got involved in drugs and got help and moved on. He keeps trying to take you (and ah me) down over and over and over again. Drowning us ALL - all the while I know how to swim. It's your decision, but seems to me you need to step back and assess the situation from OUTSIDE the eye of the hurricane. Because from the inside the view is not clear. JMHO - hang in there and keep posting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Boys came home yesterday and we sat down and talked. The boys were so stoked to see him back home and came in asking right away what was going on! My guy explained that he lied and that there are consequences for lying. So- he is going to be in the guest room until trust has been earned back. AND if it happens again he's outside with the dogs!
Last night he told me about the pills he STILL had. His doc had RX'd him 90 adderall a week ago..... and there are about 15 left. There were also a couple of xanax. He is detoxing right now... I'm leaving him to do what he needs to do. ALL that I know is that I'm living MY life. I'm home tomorrow and then on Thursday AM (early) .... I leave for Washington for 5 days.... boys will be gone as well.... and he will be here on his own- left to his own devices. He will do what he will..... and if he picks up.... he picks up. I have no control over it. I'm not going to think about what he is doing or not doing. I will deal with the results when I get home. In the mean time, I'm going to be a couple of states a way spending time with incredible friends and getting healing from my favorite band - DMB!!!!!!! Not only just that, but also all in Heaven's amphitheater - the GORGE!!!!! What is even better... is that the following weekend for 3 days I will be in Berkeley seeing them again and spending time with more good friends!
Am I running away from this? YES... I am. But I have had this planned for months and I'll be damned if I'm going to let *THIS* get in the way of my JOY!
Good news too is there is planning involved for all of this that is for me.... and I'm spending today and the next planning and keeping my life together!
Exhale ...... :codiepolice
Last night he told me about the pills he STILL had. His doc had RX'd him 90 adderall a week ago..... and there are about 15 left. There were also a couple of xanax. He is detoxing right now... I'm leaving him to do what he needs to do. ALL that I know is that I'm living MY life. I'm home tomorrow and then on Thursday AM (early) .... I leave for Washington for 5 days.... boys will be gone as well.... and he will be here on his own- left to his own devices. He will do what he will..... and if he picks up.... he picks up. I have no control over it. I'm not going to think about what he is doing or not doing. I will deal with the results when I get home. In the mean time, I'm going to be a couple of states a way spending time with incredible friends and getting healing from my favorite band - DMB!!!!!!! Not only just that, but also all in Heaven's amphitheater - the GORGE!!!!! What is even better... is that the following weekend for 3 days I will be in Berkeley seeing them again and spending time with more good friends!
Am I running away from this? YES... I am. But I have had this planned for months and I'll be damned if I'm going to let *THIS* get in the way of my JOY!
Good news too is there is planning involved for all of this that is for me.... and I'm spending today and the next planning and keeping my life together!
Exhale ...... :codiepolice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Also... I have maintained my emotional sobriety. Last night I did cry - feeling emotionally abused.... but it lasted just a few hours. As long as I keep my character defects in check.... and my side of the street clean ..... I won't have time or the energy to worry about what he is doing!!
Ya know?!
Ya know?!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
I don't see that as running away at all. I see it as living your life, as you should. I am in somewhat similar shoes as you (but different of course ) regarding my struggles. An emotional roller coaster ride.
I think the trips will do you good. Nothing better than being surrounded by good people with healthy perspectives. Hang tuff, and enjoy the trips.
NH7 - your post was what I needed to see today, thank you.
) regarding my struggles. An emotional roller coaster ride.I think the trips will do you good. Nothing better than being surrounded by good people with healthy perspectives. Hang tuff, and enjoy the trips.
NH7 - your post was what I needed to see today, thank you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
So - he is in the thick of those withdrawals right now. He told me that I have saved his life twice now. Ummm NO I have not. Do not give me that torch to carry. I do not want it.
He went to an NA meeting tonight - got numbers - is feeling emotional - is seeing the mess he made of his life in just 3 weeks - is feeling scared - basically in the thick of it. I reckon he'll peak in the detox sometime tomorrow.
You are absolutely correct... being in the acid trip frame of mind - I was sick! Giving power to all of those lies.... believing that what he was telling me was the truth. It's amazing to me that when "the other guy" speaks - and when I believe him ~ just how sick it makes me!
We locked arms... I'm going to stand by him to fight this.... I will...... I think you all know I'm going to too! Am I beating a dead horse if I say I can't do it for him? OF course I know what should be done and what shouldn't be done.
I must be one of the most redundant posters on here!
Someone said something on here.... that analysis leads to paralysis! Uh huh - ain't that the truth! My goodness when / if he gets clean - how boring my life will be! kidding!!!! But it kind of makes a point at the same time! While spending so much time in his blind spot..... is just increasing my blind spot! There are so many things being taken away from my living. Things that I am missing out on! The only person who is making it that way ..... is ME!
Wonder if I'll end up having a resentment towards him for that? I know my mom does towards my dad with his ailing health. I don't understand it though. Maybe it's because she has to? With me, it's my choice to?
I'll close with these lyrics and check out the song. I hope to hear it this weekend..... and I'll get torn up inside with it, but man what a great release it will be to sing it loud!!!!! I'll probably cry ~ but also laugh (at myself)!
YouTube - Dave Matthews Band-Can't Stop 8-23-2006
Love you cause I can't stop
I need you cause it won't stop
I love you, cause I cause I can't stop
Don't wanna thank you, but it won't stop I'm like a junkie for you, baby
I have tripped and fallen into
This not beautiful but beautiful
I have found myself in a beautiful place But I know that I will lose my soul
so hungry, you make me
So hungry, you make me
So hungry, you make me
I surrender
I'm cold like a junkie for you
I burn just like a junkie for you, baby
I love you cause I can't stop
And I need you, but it won't stop
Oh I don't want to thank you, but I but I can't stop You know that I want to leave you, oh, but it won't stop I'm like a junkie for you baby
Let them sleep
Let them stay sleeping
Let them sleep
Let them stay
Late nite, deep water
Deep fire, you burn
So hungry, you make me
So hungry, you make me
so hungry, you make me
I surrender
I'm cold like a junkie for you
You know, I burn like a junkie for you, baby
Love you cause I can't stop
You know, I need you, cause it won't stop No I don't want to have you, but I but I can't stop Don't wanna love you, but it won't stop I'm like a junkie for you baby
Love you but it won't stop
Oh I don't want to need you, but I can't stop Don't wanna have you, but I but I can't stop You know, I'd love to leave you but it won't stop I'm like a junkie for you baby
Love you, you know I love you
Can't stop
Gonna leave you, but it won't stop
I love you, cause I can't stop
Won't stop
Can't stop
He went to an NA meeting tonight - got numbers - is feeling emotional - is seeing the mess he made of his life in just 3 weeks - is feeling scared - basically in the thick of it. I reckon he'll peak in the detox sometime tomorrow.
You are absolutely correct... being in the acid trip frame of mind - I was sick! Giving power to all of those lies.... believing that what he was telling me was the truth. It's amazing to me that when "the other guy" speaks - and when I believe him ~ just how sick it makes me!
We locked arms... I'm going to stand by him to fight this.... I will...... I think you all know I'm going to too! Am I beating a dead horse if I say I can't do it for him? OF course I know what should be done and what shouldn't be done.
I must be one of the most redundant posters on here!
Someone said something on here.... that analysis leads to paralysis! Uh huh - ain't that the truth! My goodness when / if he gets clean - how boring my life will be! kidding!!!! But it kind of makes a point at the same time! While spending so much time in his blind spot..... is just increasing my blind spot! There are so many things being taken away from my living. Things that I am missing out on! The only person who is making it that way ..... is ME!
Wonder if I'll end up having a resentment towards him for that? I know my mom does towards my dad with his ailing health. I don't understand it though. Maybe it's because she has to? With me, it's my choice to?
I'll close with these lyrics and check out the song. I hope to hear it this weekend..... and I'll get torn up inside with it, but man what a great release it will be to sing it loud!!!!! I'll probably cry ~ but also laugh (at myself)!
YouTube - Dave Matthews Band-Can't Stop 8-23-2006
Love you cause I can't stop
I need you cause it won't stop
I love you, cause I cause I can't stop
Don't wanna thank you, but it won't stop I'm like a junkie for you, baby
I have tripped and fallen into
This not beautiful but beautiful
I have found myself in a beautiful place But I know that I will lose my soul
so hungry, you make me
So hungry, you make me
So hungry, you make me
I surrender
I'm cold like a junkie for you
I burn just like a junkie for you, baby
I love you cause I can't stop
And I need you, but it won't stop
Oh I don't want to thank you, but I but I can't stop You know that I want to leave you, oh, but it won't stop I'm like a junkie for you baby
Let them sleep
Let them stay sleeping
Let them sleep
Let them stay
Late nite, deep water
Deep fire, you burn
So hungry, you make me
So hungry, you make me
so hungry, you make me
I surrender
I'm cold like a junkie for you
You know, I burn like a junkie for you, baby
Love you cause I can't stop
You know, I need you, cause it won't stop No I don't want to have you, but I but I can't stop Don't wanna love you, but it won't stop I'm like a junkie for you baby
Love you but it won't stop
Oh I don't want to need you, but I can't stop Don't wanna have you, but I but I can't stop You know, I'd love to leave you but it won't stop I'm like a junkie for you baby
Love you, you know I love you
Can't stop
Gonna leave you, but it won't stop
I love you, cause I can't stop
Won't stop
Can't stop
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by Callie 
Abs - did you say he's clean or is he not? I was thinking he went to the mountains to get clean or detox? Either way - have fun on your trip.
I have to remind myself that if he acts cruel or mean to me - that it is my choice to let it penetrate me. I'm telling ya..... we learned something so good in kindergarten ....... sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me. God bless him for going through this detox..... hopefully he'll learn something this time around. *personally* I think he should get on suboxone QUICK.... but that is not for me to decide.
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