tormented22267

I'm new here and have turned to these message boards because I no longer know what to 'think' let alone do. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but want to also give you all the info so I can get honest advice.

I've been with my 41 year old alcoholic bf on/off for a little over 4 years (I'm a 37 year old, divorced, single mom). The first 1 1/2 years were pure torture. Lots of lies, cheating, manipulation. He eventually left me for someone else and married her. Fast forward 6 months (2 years ago). His wife left him and he moved back home with his mother, who happens to live across the street from me. (While married, he lost his home and vehicle to foreclosure and repossesion). Since he is directly across the street, we began talking again. It only takes him about a month, but he eventually talks me into taking him back again. You know all the promises...he won't drink anymore, he won't lie to me, treat me badly or cheat on me. The worst thing he ever did was leave me...blah, blah, blah. Yet I fell for it.

The first 6 months were pretty good. He stopped drinking (or at least drinking in front of me), he didn't go to the bars. He was home all the time. He just really seemed to be making an effort. I let him move in with my son and I, then things started to go down hill again. He started drinking again-bad.

In the past two years, he has cheated on me at least 3 times with his ex-wife, I've caught him in more lies than I could ever count, he takes off to the bar, doesn't answer his phone and doesn't come home. He screams and hollers at me, calls me names, manipulates me and turns everything around so it somehow all ends up being my fault that he's resorted to drinking.

He's never 'really' tried to get help. He's gone to AA twice for short periods. The first time around I found out that he said he was going to AA, but was actually going to the bar instead. The second time, AA lasted all of two weeks. Then, 'he could handle it on his own'. He even has a hard time admitting he's an alcoholic. His 'normal' pattern is to drink from Wednesday (payday), through Saturday or Sunday (when the $ runs out), then takes a couple days off. Since he doesn't drink 7 days a week, he claims he's not an alcoholic. But those 4-5 days that he does drink - it's non-stop. Morning to night, even misses work to go sit in a bar all day. That sounds like an alcoholic to me!

He no longer 'officially' lives with my son (who's 7) and I, but he does still live across the street with his mom, and we are still in a relationship. Basically, he spends the night with me every night, then goes across the street to take a shower and get ready for work. I know - crazy right?

Here's where I stand now. Hurt. Angry. Confused. Trapped. Two months ago he cheated on me with his ex-wife again. I told him our relationship was over. He begged, cried, pleaded with me to take him back 'just one more time' - and made me so many promises it's not even funny. Well, now he doesn't want to live up to any of those promises and every time I bring up something he promised to me that he's now not living up to, he gets so angry with me. If I ask him where he's at or what he's doing, he yells at me and tells me that he's not a kid, he doesn't need to be 'monitored'. He promised he wouldn't go to the bar anymore, but ends up there at least once a week 'just to have a couple'. When I bring up his cheating on me with his ex, he yells at me and tells me 'this relationship will never work if I keep throwing his past up in his face'. What, am I just supposed to forget everything that has happened? He honestly acts like I should 'forget' EVERYTHING - start over fresh, and trust everything he says. When in reality, I trust NOTHING he says.

My biggest fear is my 7 year old son and what this is doing to him. I'm not a drinker, never have been, and don't want my son growing up seeing all this anger and tension from having an alcholic in my life. Yet, every time I promise myself I'm never going to speak to him again...he sobers up, turns into the sweet, sober man I fell in love with, and suckers me back in.

I need a reality check...how stupid am I being with this man? Am I just believing all the lies of an alcoholic...with no hope of his ever actually getting better? How much damage am I doing to my son? Mostly - how do I get away and stay away? How can I just stop answering the damn phone and door every time I promise myself I'll never speak to him again???

I hope I don't sound too stupid and pitiful...I just need some advice. Please.

Thank You!

Barbara52

You are not stupid or pitiful! You are making some interesting choices for your life but you are not stupid or pitufl.

So just what are you getting out of this relationship beyond near constant abuse and betrayal? What is it in you that makes you find this acceptable? If you don't find it acceptable, just why do you stay in the relationship? Only you can find the answers to those questions.

You are modeling for your son what adult relationships are all about. Is this what you want your son to learn is acceptable?

You cannot change your ABF. You can change yourself. Keep reading and posting, try Al-Anon perhaps, try individual therapy perhaps. You deserve ever so much more than you have right now. So does your son.

cem001

Oh if I had a penny for everytime I asked myself how stupid was I? The damage you are inflicting on your child us unacceptable. Stop that as soon as you can. You must think of the sanity of yourself and your child. Go to some Al-Anon meetings, read the books. YOU have a choice. I think if you look hard enough you know what your choice should be. Is it easy? No! Learn to detach.

GiveLove

You don't sound stupid. You sound like you've convinced yourself you're trapped with this man.

You're not. He's an alcoholic, hon, and he's doing what alcoholics do. Waiting around for him to change, threatening him if he doesn't change, hoping and praying that he'll change.........and in the meantime damaging your son, your self-esteem, your bank account and your hopes & dreams for a real life.

You're not stupid, you're making choices. And you can make other ones any time you're ready. Just don't count on him changing any time soon. Is this -- today, right now -- how you want to live the rest of your life? Is this the role model you want your son to have? Is it how you want HIM (because he's learned it) to treat women when he grows up? You've got to ask yourself some hard questions and get some help, like AlAnon, like counseling, etc. in making decisions that will bring the happiness and the peace of mind back into your life.

You deserve better than this. I'm appalled that he would treat you this badly, even an alcoholic who appears to be a slacker, a liar, and lives with his mom (though I'm guessing that has something to do with his irresponsibility too). My only guess is that he keeps doing it because you keep letting him know it's okay by taking him back.

Like with most alcoholics, it appears to be all about me, me, me, me, me, and YOUR peace of mind, your happiness are an afterthought, something he knows enough about to incorporate into his whiny manipulations and use as a weapon against you.

When you're no longer attracted to that kind of man, then you may take steps to change things. Those things might include blocking his number, telling him you do NOT want him to come to your house and if he does you will get a restraining order, and enlisting the services of a counselor or a therapist for a few sessions so you can unlock why you keep going back to something that's obviously damaging you. I know that helped me a lot.

Hugs and strength to you, to do what's right for you.

prodigal

Before your bf came back on the scene, you were supporting yourself and getting on with your life. I don't think you are actually trapped. It seems that the longer we are exposed to the manipulation and lies of an A, the more we think we have little or no choices in life.

So, here is my suggestion for a reality check: I'd highly suggest you get tested for STD's. From what I've read in your initial post, you are dealing with a man who is an addict, a liar, and a cheat. Try out a few Al-Anon meetings, try counseling, keep posting.

And seriously consider kicking this guy to the curb. You deserve way better than this, and I hope you really, truly realize that.

tormented22267

Thank you all so much for your valuable insight. I really need it. I know all of you are right. Just seeing it from others in black and white brings things into focus for me. It's sad, but sometimes I actually start to question whether I'm too hard on him, if some of what he says is true. His manipulations can really do wonders on my brain!!

Barbara52 - besides the very rare glimpse of 'normalcy' you're right, I'm not getting much but abuse and betrayal from this relationship. My first thought is to go to my normal response of 'I don't know why I stay'. But part of me does know. When we do break up, when he is gone - I'm lonely and am in a constant state of wondering what he is doing and who he is with. I swear, sometimes I think I'm as much addicted to him and he is to alcohol. Sad huh?

cem001 - your comment of 'The damage you are inflicting on your child is unacceptable...thank you! I need that. I know the surest way to break this horrible cycle with this man is to keep my son in the very front of my mind, instead of being selfish.

GiveLove- EVERYTHING you wrote really hit home and really made me think - Thank You! I've re-read your post about 10 times now, and will probably read it 10 times a day to keep reminding myself of my reality.

Prodigal - Not only are you right, but I've even told my ABF that before he came back, I was fine. I was taking care of my son and I, and was actually pretty happy while he was off and married to that other woman. Of course, it was not easy at first, but I ended up being ok.

So why is it so hard this time around to break things off and move on?? Him living directly across the street from me does not help. When he ran off and got married, he was gone. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Now, he's right there in my face every day. That's hard to deal with.

Then, when I do break up with him, he comes crawling back. Crying, begging, pleading, telling me he can't live without me. Honestly. It makes me feel wanted. It makes me feel loved. I give in. Then, inevitably, things go bad again and I kick myself for giving in.

I need the strength to break this cycle - whether he is across the street or not. I'm hoping that staying on these boards, posting, and getting all the wonderful advice from all of you will help!

Thank you all again so very much!!

TooMuch4TooLong

I'm new but I don't think you are stupid. Until I started reading here I thought I was nuts. No one really understands how hard they are to let go of unless you are or have gone through it and it is different for everyone. It's not your average bad break up but it is one heck of a long goodbye.

My daughter was seven when I met ah, its different for everyone but when I think of what she has has been exposed to by my choosing to stay with an active drinker, well lets just say I think priorty one is her. It took a long time because I really believed I truly loved him and he truly loved me. Turns out I was involved in a love triangle, we were both in love with the same person, him. Good luck, do what is right for you and stay strong

tormented22267

[QUOTE=TooMuch4TooLong;1885396]Turns out I was involved in a love triangle, we were both in love with the same person, him.

LOVE that - fits my abf and I perfectly!!

Freedom1990

Too bad you can't ask my 30 year daughter who's an active addict/alcoholic what living under those circumstances did to her.

We don't even have a relationship today.

She spent the first 8 years of her life with an active alkie/addict mother, and 5 of those years also with an active alkie/addict stepfather who cheated on me and abused me in every sense of the word.

We'd split up, we'd get back together, we'd split up, we'd get back together, over and over and over.

Just food for thought.

GiveLove

Tormented,

Don't feel alone -- lots of us are just as addicted to our alcoholic loved ones as THEY are to their drug of choice. That's why we do our own twelve-step program, that's why we have to think like addicts and taking healing steps just like addicts....we have relapses....etc etc

I made a deal with myself that I'd wait an hour between craving contacting my X and actually letting myself do it. Then when I could do that, I'd stretch it to two, then three. I remember being so proud when I got to a whole day, then three days. It's a hard, hard thing.

And it doesn't help that you're lonely and it keeps driving you back to the easy fix - him. Addicted people do that too. Remember the acronym H.A.L.T.? (are you hungry, angry, lonely, tired?) That was designed to help people avoid those situations where they give in to their drug of choice, be it food, liquor, or relationships. Is there anything you can do to built more joy into your life so you aren't looking to HIM as your only source of it? Can you find substitutes for the "fix" of his attention that feel just as good or better? I know that helped me a lot in doing what I had to do.

Hugs to you ---- you're on the right track. Keep protecting your heart. You deserve someone who'll put you #1.

mamaplus2kids

Tormented,

I remember that trapped feeling... it is just an illusion. You are trapped only in your own addiction to the man. Givelove has some great advice.

Every time i would try breaking up with AH, as the pain of staying in the relationship had gotten too unbearable, I took him back.

Perhaps, weaning off of him is the way to go. Start to set some boundaries: don' t let him spend the night every night especially not when he's been drinking. This protects your child. Letting a drunk spend the night in your home, which should be a safe haven, is sending the wrong message to your child and could be causing him stress. If your BF is drinking 5 nights a week, I would only allow him to spend the night on those other two nights when he's not drinking. You will start to end the chaos and bring serenity to your home.

When you explain this to your BF, make sure you tell him that you are doing this for your own peace of mind and for your own health... this is not meant to punish your BF. Tell him that when he drinks, you and your son are afraid, can't sleep, etc.

As for dealing with the mistrust and the fear that he will seek out sex from other places if you don't allow him in on those nights. Just let go... you are trying to control his behavior. You're hoping that by making yourself so available to him that he will not cheat. NO! HE HAS CHEATED BEFORE AND HE WILL DO SO AGAIN REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU ARE AVAILABLE FOR HIM OR NOT. There is nothing you can do about it. He is incapable of treating you well. During the nights he is not with you, spoil yourself, take hot baths, light candles, watch a movie, try meditation (this helped me), drink herbal tea (St. John's Wort is great), but on some warm socks and curl up with a book... take care of your child!

tormented22267

Again, thank you all so much. How nice to wake up to encouraging words that make me smile, as opposed to waking up to the drama in my life!! You are giving me some great ideas, and believe me, I'm taking them in! GiveLove, I love the deal you made with yourself to wait an hour between the craving & contacting, then 2, etc...I'm honestly going to start trying that. Very good idea!

I actually have been doing something the last couple of months that has been keeping me away from my abf some and giving me some sanity. At the end of next month I'll be walking 60 miles in a 3 day breast cancer walk, so I've been out walking 4 days/week to train for that (there's nothing like walking 8-10 miles alone to clear your head!). I've had a lot of time to think and get some perspective, which is one of the reasons I think I've come to this board. I need help, and I'm really beginning to see that now.

Also, over this summer I have been setting more and more boundaries. I don't let him come over after he has been drinking anymore. It used to be, he'd go to the bar, I'd call him over and over for hours, then he'd finally come home - drunk - and I could breathe....ugh, that's so sad. Now, I actually have come to the point that when he takes off to the bar, I do not call him, I do not answer the phone, and I do not let him come over. That's one little step in the right direction....right?

Thank you all again, you've started my work day off with a smile, and I so appreciate that. Hugs right back to all of you!

JMFburns

((tormented)) Welcome to SR,

I would strongly urge you to check out some meetings. The face to face support is great.

Keep up the good work. Every little step is a good one. It is progress not perfection we're working at.

mamaplus2kids

Tormented, I hope I didn't sound too bossy. Your post touched me and reminded me so much of myself. I think in writing what I did, I was also trying to remind myself about my own personal boundaries. I have a boyfriend who is very loving, but sometimes I have a hard time saying "no" to time with him (when I would rather do my own stuff). I'm working on it. For example, today I told him that I missed him, but I had a lot on my plate. I am learning... slowly... to say no with a smile and with love in my voice!

tormented22267

Absolutely not! Any and all advice is welcome - that is why I came here! I appreciate it all, good and bad. That is the kick in the butt I need!

BTW, the reason I say I feel 'trapped' is because a week ago after his last 'binge' - he came crying to me yet again, with all the promises. As stated in my last post, he was sober, sweet and I gave in. So, for the past 8 days he has not had a drink - but he's starting to get that 'crappy' attitude - because he wants to drink, you know?? He bites my head off over everything I say, I find myself 'walking on eggshells' so as not to say the wrong thing and set him off. I know I've made a mistake in taking him back again, but feel bad kicking him to the curb because he hasn't been drinking. So I tell myself, ok C, the next time he goes on a drunk (and there WILL be a next time), do not answer the phone, do not talk to him, do not take him back. So, I feel 'trapped' until he goes off on another drinking binge and I feel justified in telling him to hit the curb. Which I know is crazy. I know I have every right to tell him to hit the curb at any time. I just feel guilty looking at him and saying 'ok, I know you haven't had a drink in 8 days and you are trying, but go away anyway'.

On a good note - after being on these boards yesterday, I did get some courage. I went home from work yesterday and told him he was being crappy, biting my head off and getting an attitude with me and that I didn't like it. I told him I was NOT going to walk on eggshells around him. I told him that I knew it was difficult to not drink, and I was very happy that he has not had a drink in 8 days, but that even though he was going through a difficult time he still had no right to take his frustrations out on me.

At least I had a quiet night last night...not a peep from ABF after I stood my ground!

respektingme

"My biggest fear is my 7 year old son and what this is doing to him. I'm not a drinker, never have been, and don't want my son growing up seeing all this anger and tension from having an alcholic in my life. Yet, every time I promise myself I'm never going to speak to him again...he sobers up, turns into the sweet, sober man I fell in love with, and suckers me back in."

What your bf is doing and what he is saying are two polar opposite. If you don't want your son to grow up with alcoholism, than you will have to do what you know you need to do to make sure that doesn't happen. When you start to realize the difference between their words and their actions, your vision will become very clear. We've all heard many of the same promises, apologizes, excuses. Most often it's all just words aimed at manipulating you. If he wants to stop, you'll know it. Otherwise, he's quacking. Protect yourself and your son.