Weekend
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Weekend
You know all, I really hate weekends. Just an observation. All though, this weekend wasn't all that bad, as my weekends go. Friday was the typical drunken evening, except this time at a restaurant. We went, and were intending to go to a movie, when we ran into relatives.
They had their own story of addiction, which was really horrible. Meanwhile, while throwing out advice left and right the AW was downing drink after drink. We spent 2 hours there, and then the AW decided she wanted to go home. She went home, and bought alcohol, then went home and drank. I watched TV. The next day was work on the house day. I mowed and weeded, and did gardening. I also built a retaining wall, and set it up. The AW waited until her daughter left, and then began drinking. An hour later, I had to go get some work done on my car, and left to get that done. An hour and half later, when I got home, she was totally plastered. 45 minutes later she passed out. Peace at last, although I suspect she had contacted the ex while I was gone. Hurtful, but expected
Sunday, we actually had some family time. I got to reconnect with the step son, and got quite a lot of work done on the house. After the AW and daughter got back from shopping, we went to a movie, and dinner. Immediately after getting back from dinner, the AW starts drinking.
Got up this morning, got ready, and went to work. The AW is vacationing this week. My guess is something really over the top is going to happen, but I'm ready. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I can only take care of me.
My therapist and I have talked about quite a few things. One of the major issues I'm having right now is letting go, and accepting that my life is in for major changes. This is very difficult to do. What makes it more difficult for me is that I'm going to have to make the decisions to make my life better. I don't want to make the decisions that I know I must make. I don't want to be seen as evil and bad in the eyes of my stepchildren, but it will probably happen.
Oh well, onward and upward.
Redd
They had their own story of addiction, which was really horrible. Meanwhile, while throwing out advice left and right the AW was downing drink after drink. We spent 2 hours there, and then the AW decided she wanted to go home. She went home, and bought alcohol, then went home and drank. I watched TV. The next day was work on the house day. I mowed and weeded, and did gardening. I also built a retaining wall, and set it up. The AW waited until her daughter left, and then began drinking. An hour later, I had to go get some work done on my car, and left to get that done. An hour and half later, when I got home, she was totally plastered. 45 minutes later she passed out. Peace at last, although I suspect she had contacted the ex while I was gone. Hurtful, but expected
Sunday, we actually had some family time. I got to reconnect with the step son, and got quite a lot of work done on the house. After the AW and daughter got back from shopping, we went to a movie, and dinner. Immediately after getting back from dinner, the AW starts drinking.
Got up this morning, got ready, and went to work. The AW is vacationing this week. My guess is something really over the top is going to happen, but I'm ready. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I can only take care of me.
My therapist and I have talked about quite a few things. One of the major issues I'm having right now is letting go, and accepting that my life is in for major changes. This is very difficult to do. What makes it more difficult for me is that I'm going to have to make the decisions to make my life better. I don't want to make the decisions that I know I must make. I don't want to be seen as evil and bad in the eyes of my stepchildren, but it will probably happen.
Oh well, onward and upward.
Redd
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Originally Posted by Reddmax 
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I can only take care of me.
Redd
Redd
I hope you see the growth you are having here. This really profound. I know that these decisions are not easy. You have been accustomed to taking care of her for so long, and putting your needs last that it feels foreign when you put yourself first.
I also realize that you are concerned about how you will be perceived by the children. I think that is a matter connected to putting yourself first. Sometime, after putting ourselves last for so long, we feel that we must be validated by others when we make ourselves the priority.
This is going to be sad and difficult for everyone. However, YOU have done all you can to try to make a different outcome. You cannot pull the sleigh by yourself. You must put yourself in a position that allows you to take care of you. Trust your HP. It is the same being who has the AW, the children, and everyone else in hand.
My prayers are with you. I am in the same boat right now, so I completely understand. Trying to get out isn't easy, but necessary. :praying
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Life is just so surreal right now. It's like living on the other side of the looking glass. The AW said something saturday before drinking. "I know I'm making you miserable, because of the things I do". I guess it's quacking, because it doesn't affect actions. Sometimes you just gotta laugh.......
Redd
Redd
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Hey Red, I well remember the feelng of dread that used to come over me, starting on Thursdays (for my.XAGF, the weekend's drinking started on Thursdays). I used to get a knot of tension in my stomach that felt like I'd been punched.
It took a couple of months after she moved out for me to realise that feeling had disappeared. I look forward to weekends now, as a break from work, quality time to spend with my kids, and an opportunity to have fun.
Life's too short to waste it on people who don't treat you with respect. Your step-kids may well see you as the bad guy if you leave. They'll have their mother demonising you, after all. It's sad, and too bad, but it's not something you can realistically do much about at the time. As they get older and understand more about their mother's problems they may well see you in a different light, and appreciate why you chose not to stick around. All I would say is that if you're going to stay, do so for your own reasons rather than through fear of what other people may think about you.
Take care,
Mr B.
It took a couple of months after she moved out for me to realise that feeling had disappeared. I look forward to weekends now, as a break from work, quality time to spend with my kids, and an opportunity to have fun.
Life's too short to waste it on people who don't treat you with respect. Your step-kids may well see you as the bad guy if you leave. They'll have their mother demonising you, after all. It's sad, and too bad, but it's not something you can realistically do much about at the time. As they get older and understand more about their mother's problems they may well see you in a different light, and appreciate why you chose not to stick around. All I would say is that if you're going to stay, do so for your own reasons rather than through fear of what other people may think about you.
Take care,
Mr B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Yeah... it flat sucks. Every Monday morning I come into work tired and stressed because I'm the one that gets the "hangover" from alcohol. Noise, stress, and uncertainty.
Redd
Redd
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Emotional turmoil
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Hi Reddmax, I completely understand how you feel. I hate weekends and public holidays too. That's when I tend to lose my ABF to drink as well. He has been trying get sober for the last six months but keeps relapsing. It's a long weekend here and the last I heard from him was two days ago, he just txted: "I have relapsed. I'm sorry". And that's it. He's gone and I haven't heard from him since. He won't even pick up the phone when I call. I have no idea where he is or if he is even still alive. It's always the same. He will surface in another couple of days and want another chance.
I've always given him one more chance too... except maybe this time. This morning when I woke I realised that he did the exact same disappearing act this time last year. For the first time I have started to lose hope that he will get better and like you, felt that much as I don't want to... I will have to be the one to walk away.
It's so hard. I love this man. I don't want to end it. He is the most wonderful man when he is sober. Why should the disease get to win? It's not my fault but somehow it seems I am being punished. At least now I have Alanon and I didn't last year. I'm working on detaching right now and keep repeating the mantra, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you other than to tell you I know how you feel.
I've always given him one more chance too... except maybe this time. This morning when I woke I realised that he did the exact same disappearing act this time last year. For the first time I have started to lose hope that he will get better and like you, felt that much as I don't want to... I will have to be the one to walk away.
It's so hard. I love this man. I don't want to end it. He is the most wonderful man when he is sober. Why should the disease get to win? It's not my fault but somehow it seems I am being punished. At least now I have Alanon and I didn't last year. I'm working on detaching right now and keep repeating the mantra, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you other than to tell you I know how you feel.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: near the ocean
Posts: 10
Hi reddmaxx,
It's a hard life with an addict. I was once married to a late-stage alcoholic and looking back I realize how protected he was from the consequences of his drinking. He drove drunk with children in the car, he broke things in the house, he threatened violence. He was an English professor and very eloquent and intelligent and funny when sober. Very mean when drunk. But we still went to dinners, movies, vacationed, saw friends, worked on the house. But he had lost control of his drinking and I was unable to believe it until after 3 months trying to stay dry he went on a terrible binge and hit me and tried to hurt my 7 year old. I needed to separate from him much sooner than that--we were only two years' married--but it took a disastrous experience to wake me up and move me out of that house. (I did leave him within 2 weeks and never reunited).
I have to say that for me, with active addiction, my first thought of advice to anyone with children is "separate and await further instructions from God."
An addiction specialist once said "I have never see the spouse, child or parent of an addict who was not afraid of the addict." Sounds like you're there, too. I'm sorry. The day will come when you aren't.
Keep going. Listen to your principles. Wishing you eventual peace.
It's a hard life with an addict. I was once married to a late-stage alcoholic and looking back I realize how protected he was from the consequences of his drinking. He drove drunk with children in the car, he broke things in the house, he threatened violence. He was an English professor and very eloquent and intelligent and funny when sober. Very mean when drunk. But we still went to dinners, movies, vacationed, saw friends, worked on the house. But he had lost control of his drinking and I was unable to believe it until after 3 months trying to stay dry he went on a terrible binge and hit me and tried to hurt my 7 year old. I needed to separate from him much sooner than that--we were only two years' married--but it took a disastrous experience to wake me up and move me out of that house. (I did leave him within 2 weeks and never reunited).
I have to say that for me, with active addiction, my first thought of advice to anyone with children is "separate and await further instructions from God."
An addiction specialist once said "I have never see the spouse, child or parent of an addict who was not afraid of the addict." Sounds like you're there, too. I'm sorry. The day will come when you aren't.
Keep going. Listen to your principles. Wishing you eventual peace.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Thank goodness I work on weekends. My boss offered me one Saturday and one Sunday off each month. I said, "No thanks!" I don't work on Mondays and Fridays. Before I got this job, I lived in a bookstore. I, too, dreaded weekends.
Redd, this is only a suggestion, but I found it helped me. I quit doing social "things" with my AH. He always got drunk when we went out to dinner. If we went somewhere for a couple of days, I was treated to one of his "moods" or temper outbursts. Out to dinner? Nobody wants to join me? I go alone. And I enjoy myself thoroughly.
Although your stepchildren may think you are the bad guy, don't bank on it. Once they get to see how badly their mom is addicted, they may see that you were doing all you could to hold things together.
No matter what opinion(s) they may have of you, I remember what somebody told me in Al-Anon: "Your opinion of me is none of my business."
Hang in there and push forward towards having peace and removing yourself from the lunacy.
Redd, this is only a suggestion, but I found it helped me. I quit doing social "things" with my AH. He always got drunk when we went out to dinner. If we went somewhere for a couple of days, I was treated to one of his "moods" or temper outbursts. Out to dinner? Nobody wants to join me? I go alone. And I enjoy myself thoroughly.
Although your stepchildren may think you are the bad guy, don't bank on it. Once they get to see how badly their mom is addicted, they may see that you were doing all you could to hold things together.
No matter what opinion(s) they may have of you, I remember what somebody told me in Al-Anon: "Your opinion of me is none of my business."
Hang in there and push forward towards having peace and removing yourself from the lunacy.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Prince Frederick, MD
Posts: 72
Redd- your post reminded me of the last outing I had with my AH (we divorced in 1997). The evening began with a lovely dinner at Red Lobster- in the vestibule of the restaurant while we were being shown to our seats A VODKA BOTTLE clattered loudly to the floor where it had fell from it's storage place in MY HUSBAND"S UNDERWEAR. I guess he forgot he was wearing shorts. Hey- it happens!! At least it didn't break.
Then off to the movies to see "Forrest Gump"- he laughed, he cried, he laughed so hard he almost vomited and then cried so hard he had to take his shirt off and wrap it around his head to catch the tears and other bodily fluids.
I noticed our section of the theater becoming conspicuously empty as the movie continued.
That was our last "outing".
Then off to the movies to see "Forrest Gump"- he laughed, he cried, he laughed so hard he almost vomited and then cried so hard he had to take his shirt off and wrap it around his head to catch the tears and other bodily fluids.
I noticed our section of the theater becoming conspicuously empty as the movie continued.
That was our last "outing".
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
My AH is a social recluse when it comes to normal outings. He has a terrible inferiority complex because he never finished high school. He feels that people think he is stupid, which is far from the truth. He is actually quite witty and well informed on current events. Most of the time, I am still doing alot of explaining...what excuse this time for not coming to the dinner party, the weddings, the holiday...so on and so forth. People quit asking as my standard response had become: "....well, you know Don."
Once, my friend's mother met my husband, and as she shook his hand, she jokingly said, "wow! You DO exist!"
Alcoholism has many forms...it can be an angry, loud, aggressive thing, or a quiet, sullen, reclusive thing...either way it is awfully isolating for the loved one who has been left to explaining....hang in there Redd!
Once, my friend's mother met my husband, and as she shook his hand, she jokingly said, "wow! You DO exist!"
Alcoholism has many forms...it can be an angry, loud, aggressive thing, or a quiet, sullen, reclusive thing...either way it is awfully isolating for the loved one who has been left to explaining....hang in there Redd!
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