quietgirl

I've wondered often when I'll hit rock bottom and finally take the step to get a formal separation agreement. I've let the expense of it all hold me back, though I did have to get a restraining order several months ago (after my AH became hostile and threatening when I threatened to call the police if he drove drunk.... he had a suspended license from other DUIs to boot...) and so have had an informal separation for 4 months now. I see my AH regularly as he comes to the house to visit with the kids and use his office.

During the past several months I've "helped" my AH get into detox several times and from there to psych wards or rehabs. He's out of rehab now and still not sober. I'm realizing, though, that it might be all of the ancillary problems that end up pushing me over the edge--the bills and debts (huge bills from strip clubs, for example) and, I've recently discovered, an addiction to internet pornography. Instead of spending time looking for a job (he was fired after the first set of DUIs), he is apparently spending most of his time in chat rooms and viewing incredibly disgusting porn sites.

This is all so embarrrassing. I've been open with my family and friends about most of the problems, but the pornography now adds a new twist. I just feel like it might be the thing that finally helps me, ironically, cut the cord and move on with my life. Does anyone know if internet porn addiction advances/escalates like alcohol addiction does?

Thanks for any advice. Quiet Girl.

LaTeeDa

As far as what finally pushes us over the edge, I think it's probably different for each person. Just as no one can say what an alcoholic's bottom will be, no one but you can decide when you've had enough.

I wanted to address the comment above, though. For me, I learned in therapy that I was so enmeshed in my husband and his "stuff" that I had a hard time determining where I ended and he began. The quote above reminded me of that state I was in. You are embarrassed by his actions. You have done nothing to cause yourself embarrassment. He has. It helps me to let others own their actions and not take on feelings and emotions on behalf of someone else.

L

GiveLove

You could easily be talking about my long-term XABF.

And yes, his internet porn addiction eventually escalated into dangerous sexual behavior, including unprotected sex in "those kinds" of establishments, not to mention infidelity with women who could best be described as "deviant." Just like with addictions to many other things, you have to keep increasing the dosage in order to get the same high......it was the thing that finally pushed me over the edge.

One day I woke up, and was horrified at what my life had become.......and weary of the isolation, secretiveness, embarrassment.

I've never been so happy - ever - since putting all of that behind me. It's like washing yourself clean after slogging through the mud.

BohemiMamaof3

In my own limited experience it does. My ABrother seems to be addicted to p*rn as well as the drugs and alcohol and over the years, and his use of all of them has increased. It began in adolescence as sneaking our Dad's Playboys. I cleaned up after he moved out of our Mom’s house about 15 years ago, I filled a trash can with 'regular' hardcore videos and magazines. About a month ago, my husband found degrading images of women and “young girls” on our Mom’s computer, after Abrother had used it. I am not speaking in the general sense of p*rn being degrading, I mean as the genre. I believe this has severely hampered his relationships with real people. It makes me feel so sick, sad and depressed for him to write about this. But then I remind myself that this is what he chooses to do. At any time he could stop and change. Others have done it, I have done it, so it’s possible, people have to want better things for themselves. Sorry to ramble on but writing this in answer to your questions makes me have feelings of sad hopelessness; and I have to remind myself that there is always hope and there are always choices.

AWEDA

Yes my EXAH was on internet sites that included single
women who were looking for sex.
I confronted him about about it,he denied it.
How stupid does he think I was,he had a profile set up for God's sake.

When I cleaned out the garage I found magazines that were so
nasty.

The bull I put up with.......Thank God it's over.

mamaplus2kids

Quiet girl, your story sounds like mine... I used to find raunchy images on our computer and bookmarked sites that were borderline illegal. He liked the porno sites with "young" girls who clearly looked underage. He liked the S&M sites as well... chain, leather and bondage. He used to go to strip clubs and was dumb enough to charge it to my credit card. He cheated, stole and lied about it. Every time I confronted him, he lied, making me doubt myself and my perception of reality and sanity.

Nearly three years ago, I found out that he had on more than one occasion French kissed our then-six-year old daughter. As soon as I found out, I threw the ******* out. Sexual abuse experts in my country are telling me that what he did was a boundary violation and not something I could press charges for... it would do more harm than good to our daughter. I am still reeling from this and can't believe a biological father would do this to his child. I guess what I'm trying to say is... once our addicts are used to breaking one serious boundary... they will continue breaking other boundaries until they are caught. I'm glad I caught the abuse early on, but I kick myself that I didn't act before it happened.

quietgirl

Thanks--this is helpful, if in a scary way. It confirms my sense that the "what's next?" questions that keep haunting me are legitimate. I also just found out that my AH has responded to one of those STUPID financial scheme emails where a person writes from a foreign country about the riches that he'll have access to if he just agrees to such and such.... There seems to end to the irresponsibility...

On the other hand, I have to admit that I found these things out by snooping on his computer. The part of me that is really trying hard to abide by Al-Anon principles that I'm just learning about realizes that this is a sign of my addiction, that I'm invading his space and privacy, not letting him "live and let live," not minding my own business. It's tough in a marriage, though, with kids, with his business is, to an extent anyway, my business. And when trust has been shattered, it's hard not to snoop in order to feel like I'm on top of what is happening and can make good decisions. I suppose it's now time for those decisions, though. If I were to get out of this marriage, separate the finances once and for all, maybe all would be better. The messages I read on this website make me think that. Quietgirl.

jillybean

Quietgirl,

Just my own thoughts on your questions so I am not looking to offend.

If we are legally married to someone who is recklessly acting in ways that can adversely effect you.. legally or morally, protecting yourself by uncovering the truth so you can protect yourself makes huge sense to me. Unfortunately there are situations and laws that hold a spouse accountable too and it is a tough and expensive fight to prove you had no knowledge or part in what they have done.

BTDT and wished I hadn't been so naive and willing to trust someone who would jeopardize me in any way.

They can live their life any way they wish as long as they aren't drowining me in the toilet with them.

I would and have done the same thing you did in uncovering the truth and IMO.. it's not only wise but healthy for you. It gives you back your personal power and helps you in protecting yourself as well. Your boundaries have already been breeched with little to no remorse or conscience by him.

Wishing you the best,
Jilly