She wants to hold me hostage (figuratively)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
She wants to hold me hostage (figuratively)
Came home from work tonight and told me that she saw the ex-abf and that she is going to continue seeing him. She knows how much we put into her the last three months-both emotionally and financially. She thinks that she will continue living here, working, going to meetings and we will continue to pay for her meds, etc. because we love her so much and want her to be clean. This will not work even if she does stay clean. She tells me that she wants to die, has never been happy, basically the same **** we have been hearing forever. So I need to have a plan because I know that I don't want to be sitting here being told what to do by my daughter. And I know I can't accept her seeing the man that supplied her drugs and abused her for the last 2 and 1/2 years. Plus she has the I don't give a **** attitude that is so different from the one filled with gratitude for all that we have done for her that she was expressing just yesterday. Pray for me to be strong enough to do what my heart is telling me not to. Thanks, Marle
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Boundaries, Marle...boundaries. You know what you will and will not accept if she is to continue living in your home. The support will end if she continues to see the exbf. She is the one who has the decision to make, not you. It sounds like she could benefit with some one-on-one counseling with a professional. Seems like it's just a matter of time before she will be back on the drugs if she continues to spend time with that toxic ex. ((((HUGS)))) :praying
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Saying prayers for you Marle.
I agree the best thing you can do is to do what you are thinking.
We teach people how to treat us.
And she WILL do what works for her.
But what works for you is part of the equation she is forgetting.
I think after we get sober, we so easily forget the hell of what
the drugs bring to us and our brain craves the relief part of
what it gave to us. Only we can figure out what is truth and what
is not, and sometimes it takes us a long time.
Love & Light to you...
:ghug2
I agree the best thing you can do is to do what you are thinking.
We teach people how to treat us.
And she WILL do what works for her.
But what works for you is part of the equation she is forgetting.
I think after we get sober, we so easily forget the hell of what
the drugs bring to us and our brain craves the relief part of
what it gave to us. Only we can figure out what is truth and what
is not, and sometimes it takes us a long time.
Love & Light to you...
:ghug2
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Hey Marle,
I responded in one of your earlier threads.
I cannot believe the similarities between our daughters' situations. If I am not mistaken your daughter also has some emotional regulation issues, too.
Feel free to shoot me an email if you want to talk.
I responded in one of your earlier threads.
I cannot believe the similarities between our daughters' situations. If I am not mistaken your daughter also has some emotional regulation issues, too.
Feel free to shoot me an email if you want to talk.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi marle,
After reading your recent posts from today, I just want to applaud your fine recovery.
I hope she gets back on track soon and stops testing the limits of acceptable behavior.
Sending some 'momma' hugs & prayers your way.
After reading your recent posts from today, I just want to applaud your fine recovery.
I hope she gets back on track soon and stops testing the limits of acceptable behavior.
Sending some 'momma' hugs & prayers your way.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
(((Marle))))
Dang, Its always hardest for us when this crap happens just when we've begun to see a light through the clouds.
Sometimes we have to remember our child addicts are and can act like typical young adults. Her acting out might have nothing to do with her addiction and more with her own control issues.
She wants to be independent but she knows she has to rely on you for now. So she takes it out on you.
She wants to have power over her life, its problems and decisions. but she doesn't, and she's definitely not let you have any of it.
She knows the boyfriend is bad news but she still doesn't get what love really looks like. Its very common for the age group ( or any age group for that matter) to go back, instead of forward, when looking for love.
Sometimes it takes one more stupid try before finally getting that it's really a lousy relationship. Deep down she knows he's poison but is shoving it down and again you're her target. ( Many a parent has teeth marks on their tongue with this one!)
Try not to let her take you with her each time she blows. ( A big challenge for me!) The best thing you could do for both of you right now is for you to be the sane and calm one, let her be and back away.
She's fighting some real mental growth right now and she needs to work through it in order to get it.
Maybe, ( if no drugs are in the house) you can steer clear of her, even if she visits the AH, and let her come to you when she needs to? But don't be her doormat for dumping her crap. Try to walk away from it when she does.
( This post is a reminder to me also because I'm right where you are too.)
Prayers for both of you.
:praying
Dang, Its always hardest for us when this crap happens just when we've begun to see a light through the clouds.
Sometimes we have to remember our child addicts are and can act like typical young adults. Her acting out might have nothing to do with her addiction and more with her own control issues.
She wants to be independent but she knows she has to rely on you for now. So she takes it out on you.
She wants to have power over her life, its problems and decisions. but she doesn't, and she's definitely not let you have any of it.
She knows the boyfriend is bad news but she still doesn't get what love really looks like. Its very common for the age group ( or any age group for that matter) to go back, instead of forward, when looking for love.
Sometimes it takes one more stupid try before finally getting that it's really a lousy relationship. Deep down she knows he's poison but is shoving it down and again you're her target. ( Many a parent has teeth marks on their tongue with this one!)
Try not to let her take you with her each time she blows. ( A big challenge for me!) The best thing you could do for both of you right now is for you to be the sane and calm one, let her be and back away.
She's fighting some real mental growth right now and she needs to work through it in order to get it.
Maybe, ( if no drugs are in the house) you can steer clear of her, even if she visits the AH, and let her come to you when she needs to? But don't be her doormat for dumping her crap. Try to walk away from it when she does.
( This post is a reminder to me also because I'm right where you are too.)
Prayers for both of you.
:praying
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Marle, I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. I know she's on subs so she isn't going through any withdrawals, but she may very well be depressed. It's the easiest explanation why she wants to be with the bf. That and hormones. They aren't supposed to get involved in any new relationships but old and familiar is any easy out.
I read she's taking Chantix but is she still taking Seroquel? Maybe a trip to her doctor and an adjustment with her meds is in order. Hopefully she'll do that and ASAP.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I read she's taking Chantix but is she still taking Seroquel? Maybe a trip to her doctor and an adjustment with her meds is in order. Hopefully she'll do that and ASAP.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Megan is at a crossroads. I hope she chooses the road of recovery and growth.
She must be struggling to be without a guy as well as being sober as well as quitting cigs.
May she come to a calmer place this week and continue on the path she's been on the past few months.
Remember you don't need to react. Take lots of time to decide what is best.
"progress not perfection"
She must be struggling to be without a guy as well as being sober as well as quitting cigs.
May she come to a calmer place this week and continue on the path she's been on the past few months.
Remember you don't need to react. Take lots of time to decide what is best.
"progress not perfection"
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Marle..I am sorry you have to deal with this.
I think we all know it takes more than just putting the drugs down to recover.
For me it has to be a change in my thinking and behavior.
And the behavior you have been explaining the past few days is not that of one who is putting their all in recovery. We all have our days. But thats just not right.
I know you love her Marle. But just as with the drugs. Bounderies need to be in place for all things.
I am thinking of you.
I think we all know it takes more than just putting the drugs down to recover.
For me it has to be a change in my thinking and behavior.
And the behavior you have been explaining the past few days is not that of one who is putting their all in recovery. We all have our days. But thats just not right.
I know you love her Marle. But just as with the drugs. Bounderies need to be in place for all things.
I am thinking of you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Add my hugs and prayers too, Marle.
Something I discovered late in the game was that I didn't have to justify what was right for "me" in "my" home. What an eye opener that was. If it just made me uncomfortable...rightly or wrongly...it was my prerogative to decide "not in my house".
And one of my favourite lines..."You can choose to respect the rules of my home and live there, or you can know that I will love you just as much living anywhere else."
I'm sorry she is taking this approach and hope she sees a better path soon.
Hugs
Something I discovered late in the game was that I didn't have to justify what was right for "me" in "my" home. What an eye opener that was. If it just made me uncomfortable...rightly or wrongly...it was my prerogative to decide "not in my house".
And one of my favourite lines..."You can choose to respect the rules of my home and live there, or you can know that I will love you just as much living anywhere else."
I'm sorry she is taking this approach and hope she sees a better path soon.
Hugs
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