A bump in the road
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
A bump in the road
My husband's recovery has been going very well. That is, until he began his 2 week vacation on monday (we're just staying home and doing day trips with our girls).
Anyway, on Monday he seemed depressed. Sat around watching motorsport and fishing shows. I had to practically pry him off the couch to go to the park with us. On Tuesday, he was just distant. I did get him to go the the Planetarium. But, he just hasn't been himself. Very grumpy and seems to be looking for a fight.
I was getting so used to not walking on egg shells. This really has upset me. I don't know where I stand. I also don't know what to do or say. (sounds familiar).
Well, he went for his weekly counseling and an AA meeting last night. He spoke about how he was feeling and others told him that is was common to feel this way. They asked him what he usually did when he was home on vacation in the past. His answer, of course, was drink. Fortunately, he is not drinking. I'm just glad he was able to talk to people about it.
He is out fishing with my father today and has plans to fish with his brother on Friday (his all time favorite activity).
I'm just hoping he comes around and we can enjoy some of our time together. I have to go back to work next week.
Thanks for listening.
NoDoubt
Anyway, on Monday he seemed depressed. Sat around watching motorsport and fishing shows. I had to practically pry him off the couch to go to the park with us. On Tuesday, he was just distant. I did get him to go the the Planetarium. But, he just hasn't been himself. Very grumpy and seems to be looking for a fight.
I was getting so used to not walking on egg shells. This really has upset me. I don't know where I stand. I also don't know what to do or say. (sounds familiar).
Well, he went for his weekly counseling and an AA meeting last night. He spoke about how he was feeling and others told him that is was common to feel this way. They asked him what he usually did when he was home on vacation in the past. His answer, of course, was drink. Fortunately, he is not drinking. I'm just glad he was able to talk to people about it.
He is out fishing with my father today and has plans to fish with his brother on Friday (his all time favorite activity).
I'm just hoping he comes around and we can enjoy some of our time together. I have to go back to work next week.
Thanks for listening.
NoDoubt
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
No Doubt,
I almost seems like it is worse when they get sober than when they are drinking. When they get sober we think that all our dreams have been realized and our expectations go through the roof.
I don 't know how to fix it...no one in my life is sober...LOL...but it seems that it is the expectations that get us into trouble. If we expect NOTHING then every SOMETHING is a wonderful gift.
This may be an important time to take care of yourself and not wait for him to do it. He is occupied with himself right now.
Hugs,
JT
I almost seems like it is worse when they get sober than when they are drinking. When they get sober we think that all our dreams have been realized and our expectations go through the roof.
I don 't know how to fix it...no one in my life is sober...LOL...but it seems that it is the expectations that get us into trouble. If we expect NOTHING then every SOMETHING is a wonderful gift.
This may be an important time to take care of yourself and not wait for him to do it. He is occupied with himself right now.
Hugs,
JT
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi No Doubt,
You have nooooo idea how familiar this is to me.
My husband has been in that state of "grump" so many times, and I am always worried (ahem...obsessed) that he is on his way back to drinking.
He too, would sit on the couch all day... As much as I tried to get him out the door, doing something fun, or even just to TALK to me or SOMEONE about the way he was feeling, he would just brush me off... he was choosing to wallow in the depression. And yes, I am sure that this is a part of the recovery process. My husband often said how hard it was to let go of the drinking; Alcohol was his friend, it helped him "get through" so many years of his life... and now he was trying to figure out how to just say goodbye to it.
This time around, G is rarely depressed.
Part of it may be that he is forcing himself to be active; to get out of the house, spend time with the kids... and allow himself to FEEL depressed and "let it go". I don't often see him wallow in the emotions and feel sorry for himself anymore. Part of it also, may be his new involvement in the church. He now BELIEVES that he is not in control, and that he is being taken care of at every turn. And, having gone through the attempts at recovery a couple of times now, I am sure G believes in himself enough to imagine his life WITHOUT the alcohol.
But remember, this is a process.
There are places and emotions our A's HAVE to visit, in order to grow and learn about themselves; in order to have faith in their recovery.
As hard as it is to SEE your husband in this place, perhaps remind yourself that he is exactly where he needs to be. The best thing you can do for him is allow him to be there, and still continue to live YOUR life; It's OK to have fun, even if he doesn't want to. It's OK to take care of yourself, even while he isn't able to do the same.
We're all here for ya ND,
Take care
Meg
You have nooooo idea how familiar this is to me.
My husband has been in that state of "grump" so many times, and I am always worried (ahem...obsessed) that he is on his way back to drinking.
He too, would sit on the couch all day... As much as I tried to get him out the door, doing something fun, or even just to TALK to me or SOMEONE about the way he was feeling, he would just brush me off... he was choosing to wallow in the depression. And yes, I am sure that this is a part of the recovery process. My husband often said how hard it was to let go of the drinking; Alcohol was his friend, it helped him "get through" so many years of his life... and now he was trying to figure out how to just say goodbye to it.
This time around, G is rarely depressed.
Part of it may be that he is forcing himself to be active; to get out of the house, spend time with the kids... and allow himself to FEEL depressed and "let it go". I don't often see him wallow in the emotions and feel sorry for himself anymore. Part of it also, may be his new involvement in the church. He now BELIEVES that he is not in control, and that he is being taken care of at every turn. And, having gone through the attempts at recovery a couple of times now, I am sure G believes in himself enough to imagine his life WITHOUT the alcohol.
But remember, this is a process.
There are places and emotions our A's HAVE to visit, in order to grow and learn about themselves; in order to have faith in their recovery.
As hard as it is to SEE your husband in this place, perhaps remind yourself that he is exactly where he needs to be. The best thing you can do for him is allow him to be there, and still continue to live YOUR life; It's OK to have fun, even if he doesn't want to. It's OK to take care of yourself, even while he isn't able to do the same.
We're all here for ya ND,
Take care
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
NoDoubt, I am going thru similar feelings myself. Although my H isn’t home yet, he’s been in a recovery house for the past 2 mos now, I still see the mood swings, depression, etc. I take it very personally and have posted some on this topic too. I have been given some great stuff to think about, like it is normal for them to go through this, and sometimes take things out on the ones who are closest to them. It isn’t all going to be peachy keen as one person responded to me. I needed to hear that.
Have you ever heard of PAWS? Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. It’s what they go through anywhere from a few weeks to up to 18 months after they become sober. I was talking to my H last night and he told me he has been going through it again the last few days and was just starting to feel good again. The way he described it was feeling klutzy, tired, depressed, the urge to use, fighting that urge off and feeling sorry for himself. After he told me about it, it reminded me that while he was in treatment I had listened to a lecture on this topic and it is a very real thing they go through and can be very devastating to them b/c they are so afraid of relapsing. Just a thought, but it may be what your H is also experiencing. Great that he went to AA and talked though, and was able to recognize his feelings.
Best wishes and big hugs,
Have you ever heard of PAWS? Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. It’s what they go through anywhere from a few weeks to up to 18 months after they become sober. I was talking to my H last night and he told me he has been going through it again the last few days and was just starting to feel good again. The way he described it was feeling klutzy, tired, depressed, the urge to use, fighting that urge off and feeling sorry for himself. After he told me about it, it reminded me that while he was in treatment I had listened to a lecture on this topic and it is a very real thing they go through and can be very devastating to them b/c they are so afraid of relapsing. Just a thought, but it may be what your H is also experiencing. Great that he went to AA and talked though, and was able to recognize his feelings.
Best wishes and big hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Vacation and "down time" were always the worst for my hubby!
When he was drinking and now.......that schedule thing is VERY important. Filling up time can be very difficult when your trying not to do something. I really struggled with this when I quit smoking....it wasn't really the cigarette, but just lack of knowing what to do with myself and my old stand by was to smoke. I am sure that alcohol is similar....tougher though!
I think having something planned to do during vacation/down time is a great idea....even if it is just one thing a day. It keeps you focused.
I am behind you.......pulling, he's gonna make it!!!
Constant
When he was drinking and now.......that schedule thing is VERY important. Filling up time can be very difficult when your trying not to do something. I really struggled with this when I quit smoking....it wasn't really the cigarette, but just lack of knowing what to do with myself and my old stand by was to smoke. I am sure that alcohol is similar....tougher though!
I think having something planned to do during vacation/down time is a great idea....even if it is just one thing a day. It keeps you focused.
I am behind you.......pulling, he's gonna make it!!!
Constant
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
Thank you Constant. I really think he is going to make it too!!
I have compared what he is going through with quiting smoking too. Actually, we both quit on 12/31/02 and he quit drinking on 3/18/03.
Non-smoking has gotten easier. I have sooo many things to do to keep myself busy. I used to use smoking as a 'mommy time out'. It gave me a few minutes to myself. Even if it meant standing outside in a blizzard.
Thanks again!
NoDoubt
I have compared what he is going through with quiting smoking too. Actually, we both quit on 12/31/02 and he quit drinking on 3/18/03.
Non-smoking has gotten easier. I have sooo many things to do to keep myself busy. I used to use smoking as a 'mommy time out'. It gave me a few minutes to myself. Even if it meant standing outside in a blizzard.
Thanks again!
NoDoubt
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