adore79

This is not easy for me to talk about, but since SR is the only place I can talk, I figure I should get it out.

Lately I've been handling cravings for alcohol by bingeing and purging. I dont eat a whole lot, I dont get comfort from eating but rather from the physical act of purging.

I've flirted with bulimia off and on since I was a teenager, it never became a big problem, but I am kinda getting worried now that I will replace drinking with purging.

If anyone has any experience regarding this I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks.

vegibean

I don't but have a couple of girlfriends that have and they've struggled and worked really hard with their issues. I'm sorry that you're going through both of those issues. I don't have any suggestions but I do hope you find some support here.

Do you have a therapist? Someone on the outside to help you?

dancinggirl

I've been in ballet my whole life and have had many friends that have dabbled in bulimia. They said it's like a euphoria when they purged...not necessarily having anything to do with maintaing their weight.

Here's the thing...you know that when we drink we're numbing our bodies/minds from reality....if you're replacing that DOC with this act, you're really just changing your mode of damaging yourself.

There are many specialists in this field...are you able to connect with any of them? Maybe even just call and speak with someone in a bulimia/eating disorders clinic?

Good for you for recognizing that this isn't healthy, though! And for connecting it to swapping one DOC for another. It's really easy to just change our mode of "relief"...but you need to nip this one in the bud asap!

RobbyRobot

felly even though its not easier you made the right choice by sharing your self today about your challenges and struggles. we are not alone and i 'm so happy you know and trust that enough to post.

if those are alcohol cravings your having, then any substitution wont work and you alread know that i'm sure. eventually the cravings will require you to abuse the actual alcohol. then you'll have more problems because you'll also have the purging problem.

i have no experience with the purging, but i can understand how it may appeal if your craving and hurting because it is a very physical action and personal. i know you very recently detoxed from alcohol, like in the last 50 days or so, and so i really think your recovery path is alerting you that more has to be done in your recovery then is being worked. and i think you have a great path going for you because yeah thats what we want is our recovery efforts informing us to get more help! its great your doing the right stuff!!

we all have issues and when we feel we need to get physical relief with some type of abusive behaviours we can always look towards our feelings as being something neglected in our recovery path. its easy enough to do because we constantly undervalue ourselves and then when we think about it we usually just accept we feel bad because we are screwed up on something or other.

i would suggest going over your recent experiences looking for something that stands out, and re-visiting that to see how you really handled it or mebbe it was actually just avoided, ya know? it happens. life just moves us along and we kinda get taken for a little ride sometimes with ourselves

my friend, i'm sorry to see these hurting experiences happen to you felly, i just really am, and i know since your sharing your ES&H with all this you're already doing the right things and in the right manner. I'm really pleased you're sharing!


Robby

bostonluv

My first two weeks sober I was doing that alot. I went for days without eating much and then I'd eat out with friends or family and get rid of it. I knew it was a red flag of destructive behavior. It's something I do when I feel really out of control also. I feel better afterwards. It's not an everyday thing for me but I do understand it and I was also very concerned that it would lead me right back to drinking. So far, I've been a lot nicer to myself (and meaner to other people). Hmm....

Toomutch

Felly - first of all I am sorry that you are going through this. I messed around with this off and on over the years. What got me to stop was when my 13 year old daughter went to the hospital when she was 13 and stayed for 3 monts because of anorexia. There were several girls there with severe bulimia.

Seek help now- the therapists at the hospital said the older you are when you develop an eating dissorder that gets out of control, the less likely it is to cure. I'm not trying to scare you Felly- just sharing with you what I have learned.

Aysha

I dont really know anything about bilimia.
Get some kind of help with it.

adore79

Thanks for the relplies. I dont see my therapist anymore cause I cant afford him, but I have been applying for free/lost cost councilling so maybe I will be able to get some help that way. I know I need to do something about this before it gets worse and I have been thinking about how to apply some of the tools I learned of how to quit cutting to this problem, without much luck so far. Sometimes I think I'm not happy unless I am abusing myself in some way.

Thanks again guys

ANGELINA243

Fel--I don't have any words of wisdom here--but it does sound like you are trading one addiction for another..also known as "substitution". Just wanted to send you a hug.

bostonluv

Yes. I can relate that to that. I think that's exactly what it is. Good insight.

butterfly19

Oh sweet fel,

When I read this, I felt like crying. You are such a sweet and special girl. Know that you are beautiful inside and outside for just who you are!

You need to get some help for this sweetie. I don't have personal experience with it, but the medical person in me can tell you that it is very dangerous to put your body through that. You know how easy it is to substitute one addiction for another, and it sounds like thats exactly what you are doing. Addiction is about control. You want to be in control of something, because for some reason you've had an experience that took control away from you. This has happened to almost all of us in one way or another. For me, it was a combination of things that made me suddenly realize that I didn't have control over everything that happens in life, like my dad dying, like being raped. I couldn't control those things, but I could control taking massive amounts of opiates. And I could control just how numb I wanted to feel.

Whether it be alcohol, drugs, sex, food, we search for something to control. Eventually, however, these things take a turn and begin to control us. In order to get better, we have to relinquish control. Let it go, give it up to whatever you believe in. Felicia, in getting sober from alcohol, you gave up that control, and you can do it again with this issue. Getting to the root of your problems will be the only thing that keeps you from searching out something else to control, sweetie. For me, that has meant therapy and drudging up some things that I would have rather not had to talk about. But I found that by talking about it, I was giving over less and less of myself to it. Eventually, I hope I can totally let go of it. Then I can be free, and no longer searching for that next fix. You can do this fel. You are a strong woman, even though you don't know your own strength yet. You'll beat it and come out even stronger! I'm always here for you sweetie!

Love ya,

butterfly19 (SP)

Anna

Felly,

I am so glad you put this out in the open. I think you are wise to know that you have to deal with this before it becomes a big problem.

I think you could be right on when you said, sometimes you are not happy unless you are abusing yourself. I was like that. I was so like that. I needed to start with the basics and find things about myself to like and love. It's been a long, slow process, but I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't done it. There is much about you to cherish and love. Take a look and you'll see.

Bamboozle

With me, I don't purge...I just binge. I guess I'm trying to fill a void. Even though I don't know what it is you are going through, my thoughts are with you. I hope you get well soon.

:ghug3

Aysha

Thinking of you Fel!!

adore79

I think you got a great point there Anna. Perhaps the way to stop the abuse is to learn to love myself more. I know it is said a lot to love yourself but it is not easy to do. How can you hurt something you love though? You cant. Thanks for the message.

XanaKat

Sorry you are going through that Felly - hang in there.

Dean62

Your "handling" is treating the symptom not the problem fel. Sounds to me like you are. There is no permanent solution in purging so you might as well stop now. It won't get you anywhere.

This is getting to the real problem. Thank you so much Felly for posting this. I thought I was the only one. I can only tell you about a part of me and hope it may in some way help you. It was a comfort zone for me. I could only go so long before I had to do something that I knew wasn't healthy. Really my day didn't feel complete unless I was doing something wrong. Smoke, drink, drug, degrade myself. It is a soul sickness for me Felly. It has been a process for me to get to the point where I am at now which is still very much in the process. The opposite of low self esteem is acceptance. I had to let go of everything I had known, been taught, thought I new. I had to accept myself as person worth loving. To do that I surrendered and turned to God to do for me what I could not do for myself. Love me. I let God love me first. I'm slowly learning how to do it on my own. That is the secret to my sobriety. That is what lays below the surface of my addiction.

I recently found out, I don't have an addiction problem, I have a surrender problem.

I hope I don't offend you Felly with this final quote.

"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."

1 Cor 13:4-8 NIV.