dor5711

I wrote a few days ago and said my AXSO is in a TC. Hallalejah! But then I get a call last night --- didn't recognize the number so I didn't pick up but did listen to the message. He is now in a psychiatric hospital. "They think it's more than just alcohol", "its a good place" "I love you" "don't give up" "family day is tomorrow and Sunday".........Is he flippin kidding? His brother who has tried to help him every step of the way is speechless and says he won't do a thing more. The brother says he probably couldn't take the TC so he cried and said he was going to kill himself. I know I shouldn't care. But it is very difficult. We all say he is on his own, it's his responsibility,etc but we all seem to dragged back into it over and over again. It's hard not be dragged back into when he is calling me. Even if I just hang up the phone, it is not forgotten. I am not letting him control my life again, I am not believing a thing he says..........all I want to do is live my life. But how do I do that when he just won't give up the relationship?

Doreen

Barbara52

He isn't in control of whether you have a relationship going forward. You are!

If you find you cannot deal with just getting phone messages, you have the option to change you phone number. Yes, that can be a pin in the behind but if it saves you from contact you do not want or need, it may be worth it.

dor5711

I know that I am most definitely in charge of what I want to do about the relationship and I've told him over and over that there isn't one anymore. I would hate to have to change my number since I've had it for 25 years. So we'll see what happens there. Caller ID helps but the call is still not forgotten. I can't block it because he's calling from different numbers.

Thanks!
Doreen

hadenoughnow

I learned to make a habit of only answering calls from numbers I know, everyone else goes to voicemail.

dor5711

That's basically what I do also. I have Caller ID and if I don't recognize the number I let the machine take it. But I still hear the message which is what sucks and stays in my head. Or sometimes if I hear HIM start to leave a message, I just hang up the phone. But it's still awful that we have to do this. I deserve to have a regular life without all these stupid things I have to do in order not to let him get to me and he gets to me anyway. Will he ever give up? He's certainly not getting feedback from me or his brother. We just ignore the calls. But he must still be getting some satisfaction out of pissing us off or bugging the hell out of us because he won't stop.

Bernadette

Phone numbers are so fluid nowadays-- maybe consider what B-52 said and change it up. Or, if you can't do that then as you are listening to messages as soon as you hear his voice just hit delete. Don't listen. Then it won't get stuck in your head! Otherwise, what options are there?

There's nothing worse than when something is just stuck in your head and you have to expend so much effort to ignore it and not let it get to you....

Take it easy--
B.

nowwhat

It's not as big a deal as you are thinking to change the number if that's what you decide to do.

What is a TC? Can't figure it out...

BTW, my XAH also went the mental health dx route, I believe because he thinks that is more socially acceptable than being an A.

(Plus, he probably is mentally ill, but at this point I don't care what IT is, I just know I don't want any).

dor5711

TC = therapeutic community
Hard to change phone number when you have had it for 25 years. But if that's what I have to do, I will do it. For now, I will do the hangups and deletes.

Thanks!

dor5711

He's still calling but when I recognize the number I am just hanging up the receiver. So at about 7:50 this morning the phone rings. My son just left for his first day of college so I picked up the phone (I was still in bed and the bedroom phone doesn't have caller id) just in case it was him. It was HIS counselor. So immediately I said that I didn't care to speak to him. She knew but wanted to know his attorneys phone number and his next court date. I was rather abrupt when I told her I didn't have that information, it was his responsibility and I included the latest correspondence from his attorney in the clothes and stuff that he picked up 10 days ago. I then heard her tell him that and ask him where those clothes and things were. She said thank you and hung up. But now ....isn't this a wonderful way to wake up and start a brand new week. He still manages to worm his way into my life one way or another.

Doreen

hadenoughnow

Ugh, so sorry to hear that he now has other people calling you (a counselor should know better too).

Barbara52

No he isn't worming his way into your life. You have kept the door (in the form of the phone) open for him. This is your choice. You have options if you don't want it to continue. I know changing your phone number is something you shouldn't have to do, don't want to do but there are consequences to all choices. Take responsibility for your choice.

CatsPajamas

I had a similar situation when someone was calling me from a treatment/hospital facility. I made a decision to not answer the phone for awhile - I let all calls go to voice mail so that I could listen to messages and decide who to call back. It was a pain in the butt, but it was what I had to do.

I've changed my number before when it was necessary. I've also contacted the phone company to learn how to "block" certain numbers from calling mine.

It took me awhile to disentangle my life from his.... and it took me longer to be OK letting him deal with his own consequences.

Time takes time.