IPT

I feel like I have made great gains since finding this place. So much wisdom and experience. Many, many words I needed to hear and perspectives I needed to see. I saved some of the ones that hit hardest and thought I would share them. Maybe others will benefit from reading them too.

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What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

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it can be VERY helpful when trying to sort out life with an addict and what it has to OFFER you to stick with the facts, ma'am, only the facts......eliminate any romantic references, any adjectives, the words LOVE and IN LOVE...and then see what ya got. cuz addiction is NOT romantic, has NOTHING to do with love, and has a stark reality all its own that does not need any superlatives....so let's review:

(removed specifics of this thread)

you are not responsible for this man. he is not your assignment, nor your patient. he is an adult and has chosen THIS way to conduct his life. What you see is what you get. The good AND the bad. IF the above is OK with you and you can deal with who he is and how he is NOW, then keep your eyes open and carry on. IF already you feel you are in over your head, then you need to figure out how long you can hold your breath.
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For me the difference is that letting go is about that which I don't own...other people's behaviors, thoughts, values, choices. It is an illusion to think I have any control over these things.

Letting life happen, to me, means doing my best to be the best person I know how to be, even with my shortcomings, and then letting life fall into place however it may happen.

I cannot control what others do, even when what they do affects me. What I can do is set my personal boundaries as to what is acceptable in my life and what is not. I can act in good thought (which is a reflection of me and my values) rather than "react" to them, which is a reflection of their bad behavior or choices.

Protecting myself, caring for myself, and being true to myself are all ways to assure that my side of the street is clean and that my day will be healthy and safe.

IPT

Addiction stinks. IMO, your boyfriend may think he loves you and wants to be with you, but until he figures out how to love himself and take care of himself, there will not be room for you in the picture.

Put some distance between him and you. Soon. You deserve happiness. Unfortunately, as I am sure you know from being involved with an addict and from your reading here, addicts are great manipulators. Those of us involved, want to believe we can influence them to stop and get them to put us first, but the truth is only the addict can do it.

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Actions always speak louder than words and I like the old expression "Don't tell me, SHOW me". When obsessing sets in, maybe try to find healthy distractions...go for a walk, meet a friend for lunch or coffee, read a good book that takes your head someplace else, plant a garden, volunteer, join a club that shares an interest of yours...anything that will bring your focus back to you and how YOU are doing instead of worrying about him.

Take a deep breath and go out and have fun today even if you don't feel like it...especially if you don't feel like it. I promise that a few hours of healthy distraction will make you feel better and get a better perspective on where you want your life to take you.
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He told you he would call. He didn't. A relationship, to me, is built on trust and concern for the other person's feelings. Common courtesy.

I totally understand why you're angry, but I found when I got angry (like you are, now), I was more angry at myself because I had let myself believe him. Unfortunately, I didn't see it until much later.

I think if you can get some distance between you two, you will learn that life has so much more to offer than what he is giving you. He may, or may not, get into recovery. You can have a good life, no matter what he does. It all starts with figuring out what YOU want from life and going after it. For him, it is all about him right now. He doesn't understand because he doesn't want to. He is happier with denial and you aren't.
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My AH has been doing/saying many of the same things since I told him I was looking for my own place. Actually, he has been making promises and more promises, but with little to no follow through, for years. I don't think it’s healthy for us to wait for them....we need to keep doing what we need to do for ourselves - baby steps as they say.
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as my son has moved along in recovery he has commented on the past...
"I can't believe how much you put up with!" Once he even said while discussing a particularly crazy incident "I was on drugs! What was wrong with you?!" enough time had passed that we actually laughed at that observation!
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I read so many post on SR where the people that love an addict keep asking how do I leave him/her... why, what's wrong with me, and so on.... I don't know if this will help but here goes.
First I'm a recovering IV cocaine addict (3+ months clean) my husband is in active addiction and has finally moved out. I asked myself many times why can't I just leave him, it would help my recovery. Still I had a hard time letting go of him. I'm still working on it every day, one day at a time.
I know how hard it is to understand, why we choose addiction over the people we love, there really isn't an easy answer. The one thing I do know without a question is that you understand addiction better than you think. You ask why can't I just leave him or her just like we ask ourselves why can't I just quit getting high. It's an addiction... to drug... to love... to family.
Fair?? No, not in a million years, but nothing ever is when it involves an addict, get used to it. It's hard to justify going to a meeting when you are not the one addicted but you have to learn how to stop your addiction just like you want us to. Don't go down on a sinking ship in the name of love... or in the name of drug....
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I'm a recovering addict, and the fact that he says "too bad it's dangerous" tells me he really doesn't want to give up the cocaine yet. Crack was my DOC (drug of choice) and when I tell someone about it now, I say "yeah, the high was great, but it wasn't worth what I did to my life". I don't say "too bad it's illegal (or dangerous). To me it is the most evil thing that has ever happened to my life.

IPT

I have to echo what the first response said: what do you see in this relationship that you are getting? I don't understand what he's doing that is positive, good and healthy for you and your family. I'm not sure I can think of any good that can outweigh the bad you've written about (for myself personally.)

I'm sure you've heard that addicts have to "hit their bottom" to begin recovery. Well, we (the loved ones of addicts) also have to hit our bottom. How much more will we take and endure before we finally break? And will we be bankrupt (financially, emotionally, spiritually) before the end? It's a vicious cycle, especially when our loved ones manipulate us, tell us what we want to hear and calm that devil inside that gets crazy with worry and fret. Yet, that devil never fully goes away, at least not immediately. Takes time for us to heal, just as it takes time for them to recover.
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he would do like your husband is doing, be miserable and pick fights. When the fights would start he would leave....a perfect escape to go out and use, he had a reason now....the Master of his plan, I fell into his trap.
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he's where he is BY CHOICE.........of all the places he could be, he's out ripping and running........stayed straight just long enough to fund the next run. that's his priority. is that what YOU want? cuz if so ya might as well have a revolving door installed, cuz he'll be using it alot........
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You need to step away and decide if you want to spend the best years of your life and your child’s wondering where he is, when he will come home, is he alive? Read some of these posts here woman, your husband is not different. You child needs your attention and love now. Leave while you can and start a new life for the two of you. I know it sounds hard but the pain ahead is worse with him till he wants help and he doesn't.
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I remember one time I quit a job I had, decent job, steady pay. Everyone thought I was crazy. I wasn't being treated up to my standards. When someone asked why I quit, I said I've learned what I will accept in my life and what I won't.
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We teach people how to treat us, don't forget that. It sucks but it is true. Accepting things in our life that are unacceptable to us, does make us crazy, miserable, unhappy, but that's not all bad, your voice is telling you to make a change possibly? You deserve better?
Something..... Never settle for less than you deserve.
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It wasn't because he has just gone off me .... it's not because of ME.... it's cause he knew that he was not feeling good and needed his fix! He wanted to feel happy..... and as hard as I wanted to be "enough"....... I couldn't be. Just like I'm not enough now, but that is the nature of this disease. It's not my problem... I'm okay..... so when he is without drugs it's not because he is unhappy with me! (it’s that he has no drugs)

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well couple things could be going on here....possibilities....

1). he isn't an addict and doesn't have a problem.
2). he is an addict but doesn't see it as a problem.
3). he is an addict, and knows that it's a problem but isn't ready or willing to do anything about.

for you however, regardless of whether it's one of the above or something else entirely, it comes down essentially to this:

1) for you, it's a problem.

pretend a moment he's frozen forever in time exactly like he is today........does that work for you? cuz he is who he is, right here, right now.....your own happiness wont' come from trying to fix or change him........it'll come from inside.....

if i'm allergic to pollen, i don't expect the flowers to stop blooming, i move myself to a far enough place where it doesn't bother me, or I take the appropriate medication to moderate my symptoms.

if it's raining and i don't want to get wet, i don't ask the clouds to part, i put on a coat, run real fast thru the raindrops or stay indoors.

if another person's lifestyle choices conflict with my own sense of values and ethics, it is incumbent upon ME to maintain a solid perimeter and have good boundaries established that assure my own safety and sanity.......whether by distance or detachment from the situation........

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IPT, what your life is called is "exciting misery". We who have been involved in addicted relationships know this dance.

She says one thing but does another. You are powerless over her, but you are not powerless over you and your choices. You see her making no effort to change. So, if your life is going to change for the better, it looks to me like you are one who is going to have to make the move to do something to improve your life. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.
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In all the reading I have done since coming to SR, the parents who have the best success in getting their children to straighten up are the toughest. Not that they can do it for them but by not enabling them, they reach their bottom much faster.
I know the reason my son is still in such trouble is my parents have kept enabling him.
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A counselor once told me that I could tell if my niece was addicted because if she was clean she would be doing normal things people do. Normal people don't lie, can account for their money and whereabouts and don't have the air of dark mystery surrounding them that addicts do.

Ann

Thanks for these reminders and for sharing your own experience with all this.

I learned from those who went before me, I learned and changed and found out that there was better way to live, and now I pass on to those who just arrived the words that helped me step out of the problem and into the solution.

Hugs

catecicc

Thank you so much for posting these. I am back for round 2 here and this is exactly what I needed to read today.

Thanks again!

rahsue

thanks,
very good post from very wise people.

IPT

I literally cannot recall how many times I've read them. In fact I should do another read thru right now (sigh) because I need to hear it all.

kingston

Wow, great inspirational lines! Thank you, it's printed and on the fridge for daily reflection! Thanks again, K.