OverItNow

Hello Friends,

About a month ago a friend and I were out for coffee and I ran into an old boyfriend who I've stayed in intermitent contact (platonic) with throughout the last 20 years. It was a horrifying moment where you imagine seeing someone you want to look perfect for (even though you don't have feelings for them) and you may as well have been wearing a moo-moo and a face full of green clay mask. This person said he would text me and did not.

In response I have gone on such a vicious assult of my face and body I'd slap someone if I heard them talking about another person the way I am talking to myself about me. And in my sick little mind, I have deduced that this man, who again I do not have romantic feelings for, has not contacted me because he was so grossed out by the way I looked he can't bare to look at me. I've spent so much money on peels, masks, makeup and mirrors and I've become obsessed with my lines, pores, wrinkles and sags. I actually cry over the way I think I look.

I'm obsessed with devising a way to "run into" him looking perfect so I can erase the past meeting. My girlfriend thinks I'm nuts--it is nuts. I'm really surprised with the intensity of this obsession over my looks. I've never done this to myself so horribly and have damaged my skin with all the cr*p I've been doing to it.

Any "yeah, I've done that" or "I'm sure you look greats" would be appreciated Thank you.

GiveLove

Yep, I've done that. Priced out cosmetic surgery, thought about expensive facial/body treatments that would last about a week, etc etc Even worse, jumped into relationships with men who I knew were bad for me because it was so important that they found me attractive.

The awesome part of all of this is that you recognize that your behavior is not where you want to be.

So what are you going to do next?

You have the power NOT to do these things. Sometimes we don't do the "next right thing" because we're all convinced that it's supposed to come naturally...we're supposed to be able to stop the low self-esteem attacks because we magically FEEL perfect all of a sudden, somebody tapped us with a wand and we feel like a million bucks.

That's just bunk. It's all about action, not feelings. Thoughts become reality eventually if you keep practicing. Tiny little steps in the right direction. You figure out the next step that a person with GOOD self-esteem would do, and you make yourself do it. Hint: posting your mad moments on SR counts

So...What will you do for yourself so that you can once again laugh and say, "Yep, I'm sane again. Wow, that was weird. Glad it's over" ?

(((overit)))

coyote21

I don't know how old you are, but I'm 56 and damned proud to still be here. I'm convinced that our eyes grow weak for a reason, if I'm fortunate sp? enough to ever find another love I'll just take off my reading glasses and marvel over how smoothe and blemish/wrinkle free her skin is! Ha!

Besides 56 is the new 46!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

coyote21

I've got two words for you......Kenny Rogers! :wtf2 HA HA HA! And he WAS quite a handsome man......I mean that in the most macho of ways!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

OverItNow

Thank you GiveLove. I suppose not obsessing about what a man who I have no business obsessing about thinks of me is one step. I'm just so surprised I tore myself down so viciously. It effected everything. It's part of the codie thing for me I know that's for sure. I used to think if no one (that I found interesting at least) saw me when I was looking "perfect", it was a waste of an outfit or makeup or freshly shaven legs. It's just been so long since I was single, I thought I was over that "imperfection."

Coyote--I am far too old (41) to be worrying about such things. Your view on aging, love and imperfections is inspiring!

Barbara52

Ah heck, I think everyone has at least a few occassions where we get stuck worrying about our physical appearance. Just accept that you fell into the trap and let it go. You look fine! I know that without ever having laid eyes on you.

I'm 53 and proud of my wrinkles and flaws. I've earned them! I think it shows character.

I have a friend who I've always thought is very attractive. Not drop dead goreous but very attractive indeed. Turns out she obsesses about every little flaw she finds on her face. I found out one day when she was obviously upset and when I asked what was going on she burst into tears and told me to stop pretending I couldn't tell. When she finally understood I had no idea what was goign on and she said something about the wrinkles under her eyes, I literally grabbed her face, pulled her close, looked real carefully, and couldn't find a single wrinkle. She was all bent out of shape about something that literally cannot be seen on close examination. She didn't believe me but that's her issue to deal with.

wish he'd quit

Thank You for this post. I am struggling with similar issues. I can't tell you the last time a man told me that I looked nice or beautiful. I asked AH the other day if he remembers the last time he told me. Of course he didn't. It doesn't help that his new girlfriend is 41 and a supposed bomb shell. I am constantly thinking of ways to make myself look perfect when I see her for the first time. I know that it won't happen but it doesnt stop me from thinking about it. I am constantly obsessing over my hips and legs being big. Then I remind myself that they are big because I have 2 kids and had complications with weight gain during my pregnancy. Kinda makes me feel a little better.

XanaKat

Believe me - I have the same issues - I am trying to figure out why my self esteem is so lacking - and how to gain it back!

OverItNow

Yes, the comparisons stink. I don't care anymore what AH thinks about me (which is a sad statement in itself), but I know when we do split, I would feel that about any new girls--of which there will be some--and how I compare to them.

This is interesting--I have a girlfriend who is quite large, not conventionally beautiful, but men go crazy for her--and not cos she's a loosey goosey, but because she says to herself--actually to anyone--I am HOT. And they all think she is.

McKrazy

I don't want to say that it's alright that you are slamming yourself, it's not! But let's look at some part of this that might be positive? You are, at least, focused on pampering yourself....lol! Seriously, though, I've found myself spending so much time on my outside that I've completely forgotten my insides. I try to make myself a deal: focus on the "temple interior" FIRST, and then I get to treat myself to something that might "enhance" the exterior. Sometimes it makes me feel prettier just to spend a bit of extra time with putty and a putty knife, you know?

Don't get even more down on yourself that you're being down on yourself, though. We all have been there! NO ONE wants someone that you admire on any level seeing you at your worst, right? Those snapshots are completely reserved for our dearest friends and family members, lol!

OverItNow

Well, on the positive tip--if anyone needs any skincare/makeup advice, ask away. I've become a compulsive visitor to MakeUp Alley--if anyone gets a chance, they have awesome reviews. And I've found a cool site that sells professional-level gylcolic and lactic peels--and they sell SAMPLES! So there is that plus!

I just need to tell myself (and believe) that I am enhancing an already pretty awesome canvas, not trying to erase the face of a beast (which is how I've been terming it).

LaTeeDa

Actually, I do. I've been camping in the rain with my guy, talk about seeing me at my worst, lol! But, seriously, I want someone who admires my insides more than my outsides. If someone is only concerned with how I look, they're not right for me.

I can't even remember the last time I wore makeup. It must be 2 or 3 years ago........

Oh, and the guy I'm dating tells me I am the sexiest woman he's ever been with, rain camping, no makeup and all. He worries about how his hair looks when he wakes up in the morning. I think that is when he is the most adorable. I believe sexy has much more to do with attitude than looks.

L

gns

I find that when I am feeling bad about my looks going to yoga or even doing something physical helps. Not because it helps me be more "perfect" because there you see beauty in many different forms - the 45 yo woman with wrinkles around her eyes but who does the best standing split I have seen, or my teacher, the youthful girl who does the open heart poses like a young girl! I start, for at least a short while, to stop seeing as perfect or less perfect but as all differently beautiful. There is no perfect dancer or yoga person, just people with different strengths, some more flexible, some stronger, some more graceful. It helps me see my and other people's insides.

I think that is where we have to find our self-esteem from - the inside. As my yoga teacher says when you turn on the inner light that is when you are beautiful - we are everything we seek - we just need to amp it up!

LaTeeDa

That is lovely, gns. I am also finding that I can spot beautiful people a mile away. The ones who are shining their light. Not the ones who look like Cover Girl ads, lol.

BTW, I like the term "self-worth" better than "self-esteem." Seems like there are a lot of people who esteem themselves (think they are all that), but very few with genuine self-worth. JMHO.

L

respektingme

I don't measure myself anymore so much by what men think, but more by what my best friends think. They know me. They actually know me much better than my own husband.

Who would you rather hang out with? Elizabeth Edwards or Rielle Hunter?

OverItNow

I seriously thought I was past caring as well.

In addition to my obsession about the way I look, I'm trying to explore why, most importantly, a act as simple as someone not contacting me when they said they would, would throw me into such a tailspin. Why I placed such importance on this and why it hurt me when it didn't happen. In being honest with myself, I know that if it was a girl who promised to contact me and did not, I wouldn't have attacked myself in response.

So why, when it is a man, is the reason me? It's almost this screwed up conceitedness where it's all about me, but because I am not good enough. And why is it all important as if my very happiness and worth was attached to the simple act of a man, who I am not involved with, contacting me? I seriously have much more pressing matters to worry about. Perhaps an escape from those? Don't "normies" just take vacations?

Barbara52

I know I have sometimes caught myself creating drama for no good reason other than there was no drama in my life. That may be something pretty common for us codies. At least now I recognize it and have been able to shut it down pretty quickly.

respektingme

The only thing I can get from a man, that I can't get from a woman, is the confirmation that I can trip his trigger. It's a very fleeting reward and has very little shelf life. When I look back on the best moments in my life, it has been with friends. Times when we laughed our heads off, places we went together, long talks over smokes and a coke.

I just never (maybe this is just me) got that sort of depth out of a guy, with the exception of one male friend who I was never physically attracted to.

If the reward is confirmation from a man that I may turn him on, think of how many other women are receiving the same rewards from the same guy. My dad still eyes women all the time. He's 65 and it's embarrassing. That's so much power for us to give to men, who are driven by testosterone.

I just think it's so self-defeating to look for men to boost our self-esteems. What happens when you get with a guy who thinks you're good-looking? He wants sex, right? Big surprise. My looks are just a fraction of who I am and we all lose our looks eventually. Better to concentrate on what you have to offer as a whole, than just what's on the outside in my opinion.