Pajarito

of either a breakdown or an AHA moment. I feel so scattered today- so unable to focus. I can't figure out what it is- sadness is with me constantly- am I expecting myself to get over my marriage too quickly? It's been a year since he left, and I think if I feel this way for another year, I will go C-R-A-Z-Y!!!

I have been reading the posts today- juju's about acceptance, LTD's about healthy relationships, and I feel so fubar!!! I feel like I will never be healthy- like I will never accept everything, like I will never be healthy enough to venture into another relationship. I just want some peace. I went to my counselor yesterday, and we talked about how screwed up I feel- like the rug was pulled out from under me- but how was it? I lived with alcoholism for YEARS- it's not like this is new- and yet when STBXAH left a year ago I was devestated- but I am feeling more and more like his leaving was a gift.

I found a note he wrote me last night- very short- "I love you." It was put into a journal I have by me- when was it written- I don't remember. It made me sad, and I spent some time crying about this loss- of the dream- of who he was. I spent a lot of time trying to find that man I married- why??? Now I have to go forward and extract the I from the we, and there are some days when I feel so much confusion- like today. WHAT happened? HOW did I not get the life I thought I was getting? I used to think I was a strong woman, independent. . . now I wonder who the hell I really am. I know that is my struggle- figuring out who I am now that I am not defined by him- I will no longer be a wife. I'm not part of a couple anymore. My counselor told me it's like I'm being reborn- yah- with all the pain that goes with it!!! Am I making it harder than it should be? Am I just having a bad day? Ugh! Can any of you relate??? I feel like I'm spinning my wheels.

Thanks for being here. . .

OverItNow

Well, I know how you feel and am feeling pretty much what you wrote--exactly. My difference is my AH is still here-won't leave. But I feel the same. The pain, rebirth, wanting to know who I am, feeling duped about the marriage, feeling disjointed, disconnected, etc., etc. ad nauseum. I have not found the answers. My therapist said I am on the journey. I just want to get to the destination already!! I can relate and I do wish you much peace on this road.

LaTeeDa

I have a little secret to share with both of you. There is no destination--the journey is it! Whenever I start feeling like you describe, I know it is because I am putting unreasonable expectations on myself.

Relax! You are already there! You are on the journey. Life is here, right now, and you are living it. What? It's not perfect? Not how you envisioned it? Guess what? It never will be. And that's what makes it so great! You never know what's around the next bend. And wouldn't it be dull if you did? There is no "there" you have to get to. You are here and here is what matters.

L

GiveLove

((pajarito)))

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way today. I still hit those "triggers" periodically that make me say, "Why bother working this hard? I'm never going to be truly happy anyway." For me, alcoholism has undermined my trust & faith in every aspect of family....romantic relationships, parents, siblings, friendship, it hasn't left anything for me to truly have unconditional faith in. I've lost my parents, lost the two sisters who I was WILD about, and am losing my baby brother who was really my role model for a happy life at one point. The rug keeps getting pulled.

Sometimes, it takes me a day or two or seven to rebalance myself. And in the meantime, I try to remember to love -- me and others who are on this strange journey. I try to remember to be grateful, to force myself if necessary to sit still and go through the litany of gratitudes. I eat well, get more sleep, take a B (mood) complex vitamin, do things that make me feel alive, and read uplifting things. More often than not, I can identify a physical thing that is making me feel vulnerable: too much time on SR, overwork, overeating, too much time alone, alcohol, not enough sleep or sunshine or exercise, etc.

You are not fubar. There are dozens of us here who have been celebrating as we watch your growth happen, step by difficult step. You are just a beautiful piece of artwork in progress

Love and hugs and strength to you
GL

LaTeeDa

BTW, love the title of this thread. That movie is hilarious! (Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown)

Bernadette

Paj! Paj! Paj!
You've been doing so well!!!!

I don't know if it's divorce related but I sure had some high highs and some low lows in the first 2 years after my divorce.

It's a lot. It's an unraveling of your social status (couple to divorced/single)
Learning to REALLY be a single parent (not just "doing everything" while he laid on the couch).

Realizing: I had it all WRONG!
Realizing: I had recreated perfectly the dynamic of my parent's marriage (but w/out the alcohol -- oooh I thought I was so clever!!)
Realizing: I ain't so clever!!
Realizing: The dream is dead. Long live the dream! (but Okay B, what's the NEW dream???)

I didn't know who I was. But I had also never looked at myself more closely. I had never devoted so much energy to figuring out who I was. It was exhausting. Cuz you don't get to go to the spa and do all that work. Ya gotta get up, make the kid's lunch, get to work, deal with WORK, run the family/home etc!!

Anyway-- just be in this moment today. Don't start with the "nevers."

Y'know how when you run or lift heavy weights, your muscles really hurt the next day? That pain you're feeling is the result of this heavy lifting you've been doing.

One Day at a Time and your newfound strength will astound you!
Peace
-B.

Pajarito

Ok- I get that. . . it's just some days feel so hard! Sometimes I can't even put my finger on it- is it sadness? Is it exhaustion? Is it that note I found??? Is it the 1 year anniversary? Much of the time I think it's impatience. Thank you for reminding me I won't get there- there is no there- it's just in the daily living that I have to figure out how to take care of myself.

Pajarito

Thank you GL- I didn't realize you've lost so many people to alcoholism. I'm sorry. You are an inspiration. I love your suggestions for self-care. I'm trying not to become too guarded or bitter. Right now it just feels like such a daily struggle- but then I am not divorced yet- and I'm trying to get our house ready to sell- and raise our dd. I think I just have too much to do. It's crazy to me that taking care of myself is something I have to consciously do- it's not just a given. There are times too when I think I've peeled back the layers, and I'm in a groove- and then something will happen- like I find a note he wrote- or my counselor puts a seed in my head that stops me in my tracks. I think- will it ever end??? I thought I was so "together"-that HE was the one with all the problems. The reality is just not what I thought. Here I am- 45- and trying to figure out who I am. . . Some days I feel like I've been dropped on my a**- hard!

Maybe I just need to remember that "this too shall pass." Today I feel better. ;o)

Pajarito

X-actly! Maybe I was just tired more than anything yesterday. I feel like I'm going through something I should have been going through in my teens or 20's- when I had the luxury of taking a nap now and then. ;o)

LaTeeDa

It really is a process. Setbacks happen. I bet if you look back, your setbacks used to knock you down a lot harder. What I'm finding is that I still have bad days, sometimes even bad weeks. But, the bad isn't as bad as it used to be. I get back to good more quickly. Whenever I start feeling stuck again, it's usually right before a big breakthrough. Maybe you are a woman on the verge of learning something new about yourself. There is a great Language of Letting Go" passage about this. I will try to find it for you later today.

L

Pajarito

I've noticed this as well- that if I feel unsettled there's usually something that will come to me that I can't quite put my finger on at the moment. When I compare how I felt a year ago- yes, I felt bad, but in a different way. I was looking at my relationship through eyes that were still so blind. Now when I look back or at my present situation, I see it with "new" eyes, and I have a little voice inside me that brings me back to the cold reality of how I was living. I know it's better to be on this path I'm on, but it's not always as comfortable as I would like for it to be. It took me 18 years (of living with him) to get to the place where I was a year ago. So- one year later is really just a drop in the bucket. . . patience. . .

dolphingal1971

:ghug Hugs to you sweetie! I am sending feel good vibes your way. I know exactly where you are coming from.:praying

LaTeeDa

Here is the meditation I was speaking of:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ehaviours.html

Pajarito

That's an absolute gem LTD. Thank you! I especially like: I had to live in discomfort in order to find my comfort. (Something cupicake wrote.) The whole thread just drives home for me that this is a process- sometimes 1 step forward, 2 steps back, but at least I'm still moving forward.

It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.

It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry. Frustrated. Confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that that formula will never be available to our mind.

This too is so dead on- actually made me LOL! I was never very good at math- or so I thought. I had to take the GRE to get into grad school 2 years ago. I dreaded the math section, but I knew if I was going to do well I'd have to study. Imagine how surprised I was to discover math isn't so hard. I just went through it step by step and did pretty well on the test. Sometimes recovery does feel like math class felt to me years ago- like a foreign language. Some of us speak it "better" than others, but we're all capable of learning.

NYC_Chick

(((Paj)))

Sorry you having such a tough time. You are a strong woman. You've helped me more than I can say on this board.

I still cry too, but I try to pull myself out of it and remind myself how much more peaceful my life is since I left and began to focus on me.

There will be the right person when you are ready if that's what you want. Look at how much you have to offer!!! More important, you know now what you deserve! Even better : )