Am I a hypocrite???
harleygirl92156
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Am I a hypocrite???
I feel like one. I was cheated on by my now RAH. I know how it feels, I remember how embarassed I was, how angry I was with the people that knew and didn't tell me, how frightened I was when I realized I could have been unknowingly exposed to STD's. I remember all that and I know how it feels..........
I feel like a hypocrite because there is a couple from the program we have been socializing with, she in Alanon and he in AA, and she has been cheating on him and I know about it. It has been going on for some time and not with only one man.
The first one she told me about I told her not to tell me again because it hurt my heart and I didn't want to know. Well she was caught by someone and came to me afraid, I guess because she knew I already knew. She was afraid the other person would tell her boyfriend of 4 years, I told her if it was me I would come clean and tell him myself. She would have no part of that and is just acting like nothing is wrong and hoping if she ignores it the person won't say anything to her boyfriend.
I am in such a terrible position.......I feel like I should tell him what is happening as in the past I had wished someone would have told me. I also don't want to tell him because I don't want to hurt him. I feel it is her place to tell him what she has been up to, but on the other hand know how it feels to have everyone know something like that and be kept in the dark.
ARG!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this. My thoughts are to just keep my mouth shut and allow God to set the course. Then I think God has allowed me to know this because I know how it feels and I should tell him.
OK, opinions here please. I am doing nothing until I know what is right and all opinions are welcome as the more input I can get the better!!!!
I feel like a hypocrite because there is a couple from the program we have been socializing with, she in Alanon and he in AA, and she has been cheating on him and I know about it. It has been going on for some time and not with only one man.
The first one she told me about I told her not to tell me again because it hurt my heart and I didn't want to know. Well she was caught by someone and came to me afraid, I guess because she knew I already knew. She was afraid the other person would tell her boyfriend of 4 years, I told her if it was me I would come clean and tell him myself. She would have no part of that and is just acting like nothing is wrong and hoping if she ignores it the person won't say anything to her boyfriend.
I am in such a terrible position.......I feel like I should tell him what is happening as in the past I had wished someone would have told me. I also don't want to tell him because I don't want to hurt him. I feel it is her place to tell him what she has been up to, but on the other hand know how it feels to have everyone know something like that and be kept in the dark.
ARG!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this. My thoughts are to just keep my mouth shut and allow God to set the course. Then I think God has allowed me to know this because I know how it feels and I should tell him.
OK, opinions here please. I am doing nothing until I know what is right and all opinions are welcome as the more input I can get the better!!!!
harleygirl92156
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by Barbara52 
It's not your problem, is it? You are not responsible for anyone else's choices or behvaiors.
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Not wanting toxic people in my life, I've stopped socializing with screwed-up people who do things that make my heart hurt....I need all of my energy to stay the course and frankly I don't like hanging out with people I don't respect. I think your plan is good: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it....let go and let God. But that's easier if you no longer socialize with them. Just my humble two cents.
harleygirl92156
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Join Date: Feb 2005
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
Not wanting toxic people in my life, I've stopped socializing with screwed-up people who do things that make my heart hurt....I need all of my energy to stay the course and frankly I don't like hanging out with people I don't respect. I think your plan is good: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it....let go and let God. But that's easier if you no longer socialize with them. Just my humble two cents.
harleygirl92156
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Join Date: Feb 2005
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Originally Posted by HopeTo180
Harley, can you tell him anonymously? If you can, it might make you feel better.
Live, Laugh, Love
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As someone that was cheat on, when i found out i frantically wanted to know WHO knew and WHO didn't tell me, never found out. But on the flip side, I've had a friend be dishonest in her marriage and i distanced myself from her and she was my BEST friend. I wanted no part of any of it because somehow i was going to get dragged into it. My suggestion would be to distance myself from her if you are able to. You don't need that headache or any finger pointing.
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It would be hard to exclude her and still see him....gosh..... but you may have to, hard as it is.
Hugs to you, Harley. I know this is a really miserable situation and you're trying to do right by you AND by him.....I've been cheated on too and have had the same experience. I just had to get away and he found out soon enough.
Hugs to you, Harley. I know this is a really miserable situation and you're trying to do right by you AND by him.....I've been cheated on too and have had the same experience. I just had to get away and he found out soon enough.
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Try to keep this straight and simple.
Tell the woman the facts: You are uncomfortable with how she conducts her personal, emotional relationship life. At a time in your own life, you were the recipient of simlar behaviour and it hurt you deeply. You are now so uncomfortable with knowing her secret that you are in a very awkward position and will need to step back from your friendship, which will include friendship with her man. Tell her that, to respect your feelings, not to invite you out together, and to explain it HOWEVER she wants to to her man.
Then, let it go. Its out of your hands, always was and always will be.
Do NOT tell him. Do not tell anyone else, for that matter.
Tell the woman the facts: You are uncomfortable with how she conducts her personal, emotional relationship life. At a time in your own life, you were the recipient of simlar behaviour and it hurt you deeply. You are now so uncomfortable with knowing her secret that you are in a very awkward position and will need to step back from your friendship, which will include friendship with her man. Tell her that, to respect your feelings, not to invite you out together, and to explain it HOWEVER she wants to to her man.
Then, let it go. Its out of your hands, always was and always will be.
Do NOT tell him. Do not tell anyone else, for that matter.
harleygirl92156
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by miss communicat
Try to keep this straight and simple.
Tell the woman the facts: You are uncomfortable with how she conducts her personal, emotional relationship life. At a time in your own life, you were the recipient of simlar behaviour and it hurt you deeply. You are now so uncomfortable with knowing her secret that you are in a very awkward position and will need to step back from your friendship, which will include friendship with her man. Tell her that, to respect your feelings, not to invite you out together, and to explain it HOWEVER she wants to to her man.
Then, let it go. Its out of your hands, always was and always will be.
Do NOT tell him. Do not tell anyone else, for that matter.
Tell the woman the facts: You are uncomfortable with how she conducts her personal, emotional relationship life. At a time in your own life, you were the recipient of simlar behaviour and it hurt you deeply. You are now so uncomfortable with knowing her secret that you are in a very awkward position and will need to step back from your friendship, which will include friendship with her man. Tell her that, to respect your feelings, not to invite you out together, and to explain it HOWEVER she wants to to her man.
Then, let it go. Its out of your hands, always was and always will be.
Do NOT tell him. Do not tell anyone else, for that matter.
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I like to try and find the lesson in any situation, and especially in those that make me uncomfortable, or "icky" as you say.
Maybe the lesson here for you is that it's not so easy to know something like this, is it? Maybe this is a chance for you to understand and forgive those who knew and did not tell you. To feel how they felt and gain some compassion for them.
L
Maybe the lesson here for you is that it's not so easy to know something like this, is it? Maybe this is a chance for you to understand and forgive those who knew and did not tell you. To feel how they felt and gain some compassion for them.
L
harleygirl92156
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Join Date: Feb 2005
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I like to try and find the lesson in any situation, and especially in those that make me uncomfortable, or "icky" as you say.
Maybe the lesson here for you is that it's not so easy to know something like this, is it? Maybe this is a chance for you to understand and forgive those who knew and did not tell you. To feel how they felt and gain some compassion for them.
L
Maybe the lesson here for you is that it's not so easy to know something like this, is it? Maybe this is a chance for you to understand and forgive those who knew and did not tell you. To feel how they felt and gain some compassion for them.
L
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
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I am in such a terrible position.......I feel like I should tell him what is happening as in the past I had wished someone would have told me. I also don't want to tell him because I don't want to hurt him. I feel it is her place to tell him what she has been up to, but on the other hand know how it feels to have everyone know something like that and be kept in the dark.
ARG!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this. My thoughts are to just keep my mouth shut and allow God to set the course. Then I think God has allowed me to know this because I know how it feels and I should tell him.
Hi Harleygirl,
I've lurked your posts for a long time and always found your recovery and insight helpful. That being said, I will offer my experience, strength, and hope.
I was cheated on by my exaw, probably for all but the first 2-3 years of our 11 year marriage. My mother in law (bio dads wife) knew but chose not to tell me. At first I was hurt by her and all of ex's co-workers who also knew, I knew them as well.
I found out on my own when it was God's will. I can't say I wasn't hurt, but by then it about 90% didn't matter any more. Any earlier and I would have been crushed. Would have been in denial of what I REALLY already knew in my gut, and would have blamed you for trying to come between me and my cheating spouse.
The bf will find out in God's time, it will probably be easier on him that way.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. Man you are in a sh!tty position, I feel for you. Just maybe be there for the bf when the sh!t storm starts. He will probably understand the position you've been sucked into.....can you say DRAMA. Bet you can!
ARG!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this. My thoughts are to just keep my mouth shut and allow God to set the course. Then I think God has allowed me to know this because I know how it feels and I should tell him.
Hi Harleygirl,
I've lurked your posts for a long time and always found your recovery and insight helpful. That being said, I will offer my experience, strength, and hope.
I was cheated on by my exaw, probably for all but the first 2-3 years of our 11 year marriage. My mother in law (bio dads wife) knew but chose not to tell me. At first I was hurt by her and all of ex's co-workers who also knew, I knew them as well.
I found out on my own when it was God's will. I can't say I wasn't hurt, but by then it about 90% didn't matter any more. Any earlier and I would have been crushed. Would have been in denial of what I REALLY already knew in my gut, and would have blamed you for trying to come between me and my cheating spouse.
The bf will find out in God's time, it will probably be easier on him that way.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. Man you are in a sh!tty position, I feel for you. Just maybe be there for the bf when the sh!t storm starts. He will probably understand the position you've been sucked into.....can you say DRAMA. Bet you can!
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Not wanting toxic people in my life, I've stopped socializing with screwed-up people who do things that make my heart hurt....I need all of my energy to stay the course and frankly I don't like hanging out with people I don't respect. I think your plan is good: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it....let go and let God. But that's easier if you no longer socialize with them. Just my humble two cents.
Thanks and God bless us all
Coyote
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156
Oh, the not socializing is a give, and already done!!! I just can't do that, no desire to even try.....but there again, now he is questioning why we don't do anything with them.....ugh.......feel bad for him all the way round, we try and continue with him, but it is difficult....
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156
She has already been told this and her reaction to me was "Oh Grow Up!" Okie Dokie....lol.....I am not explaining anything to him, she can or not, I am avoiding the drama...........THIS POST REALLY WAS NOT ABOUT WHAT I SHOULD OR SHOULDN'T DO, IT WAS INTENDED TO BE ABOUT HOW THE SITUATION HAS MADE ME FEEL. I really have no intention of telling the man anything, unless he point blank ask me to my face and then I would tell him he needs to be asking those questions of his girlfriend, not me..
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I like to try and find the lesson in any situation, and especially in those that make me uncomfortable, or "icky" as you say.
Maybe the lesson here for you is that it's not so easy to know something like this, is it? Maybe this is a chance for you to understand and forgive those who knew and did not tell you. To feel how they felt and gain some compassion for them.
L
Maybe the lesson here for you is that it's not so easy to know something like this, is it? Maybe this is a chance for you to understand and forgive those who knew and did not tell you. To feel how they felt and gain some compassion for them.
L
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. Due to extreemely poor typing skills I'm forever behind on these posts. Ha!
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it really doesn't matter... but how long has she been seeing someone else? It's just, if it's gone on for awhile, it makes you wonder how close of a relationship he/she has as a couple (that he doesn't suspect anything???) It would be hard to maintain a double life & keep this from someone, esp if you are close, wouldn't you think?
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