NeedHelp81

So now my XABF has considered himself as taken the "high road" - what the hell is he talking about?!

He wrote me last night stating "Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. You stepped into my life and changed me for the better - if it weren't for you I would be dead. However, it seems you have gone back to how you were when we first met.....so thanks for changing me, sorry I couldn't change you"

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

Is this common? Does he not realize Im not doing a damn thing differently? It seems like hes trying to put the blame on me for us breaking up - like he left me because I'm not good enough?! How do they do that?! Seriously!! How does his mind not know - "Ok, Danielle kicked me out because I was gone all day and night and I broke all of her stuff, damaged her car, became offensively physical with her, so she kicked ME out!"

I am just baffled that he can sit there and tell ME that I am not right when for the last year and a half Ive sat right there by his side in hopes he will do better! I stayed by his side through a ton, and he couldn't even stay home the night after I had a miscarriage?!

SO MAD. YOU PEOPLE MUST UNDERSTAND.

UGH!!!!!

suki44883

You say he's your ex. I'd just leave it at that.

LaTeeDa

You don't have to read what he writes, that's what the delete button is for.

L

Barbara52

You might want to consider no contact with your X since it upsets you to hear from him. It can give you an opportunity to begin your healing without the added drama you seem to allow him to bring into your life.

NeedHelp81

Ugh. I know I should! I really just cant' do it right now! I mean I know I can but blah.

If he is doing so well why would he reject me if he just thanked for me for making him sooooo much better?!

I'm happier knowing that he KNOWS he's suffering because of what he did - not that he is happy with the changes Ive helped him through but now he's too good for me?!

I wish I could get myself to no contact. It hurts me to not know though....

Barbara52

Its your choice to continue to drive yourself crazy by communicating with him. If you are getting some sort of warped satisfaction from it, well, that is your choice. Its not him doing this to you. Its you doing it to yourself.

LaTeeDa

It sounds like it hurts to have contact. I guess you will decide at some point what hurts less. At least I hope you will.

L

respektingme

He's playing games. Simply don't play.

NeedHelp81

UGH!!!!

I LOVE this forum, but I HATE it because you are all RIGHT and Im WRONG. Hahaha.

I'm trying - I really am. But my mind gets all screwy because when he can admit stuff like that (he is definitely NOT a good communicator) I think (or maybe just hope) he is learning and growing.......

Barbara52

Maybe he is. He is still your ex, right? So it would be nice if he does find recovery but it still has nothing to do with your own recovery does it?

Reality

sounds like the master manipulator strikes again!

quack....

NeedHelp81

Yes, he's still my EX - however he's bringing up get back together talk - and yes I would like to eventually. From what I am learning here, you can be with an A and learn to recover together from codependance and addcition. I am just getting annoyed because he's apologizing for all the hateful things he has said, that he really doesn't mean it and he realized it was hurtful to me.....but is saying that I am not taking any steps in improving my life to get back together so we can have a healthy relationship...

I have issues with neediness - HELLO! CODIE HERE! So when we were together we didn't do anything but be together ALWAYS. So now that we aren't together I am out alot - and he sees that as betrayal somehow even though when I was being needy he would get a little tired of it and go do something else. I wouldn't because I am ******** and am not the most social person in the world. I just wanted to be with him the whole time....we really had the best relationship that I have ever been in - but there were still things that were not ok...

I just rambled alot. Sorry..... I just almost feel like he is calling me out on things I have been doing that may really be wrong - BUT I DON'T SEE IT, sort of the way he does.... like denial or something?

NeedHelp81

Is this considered quacking?

Barbara52

Absolutely! Words are quacking unless proven by actions.

Has he quit drinking? Has he gottent into a recovery program?

LaTeeDa

It's not his job to call you out on your behaviors, just as it's not your job to call him out on his. That's what is meant by "keeping your side of the street clean." The sooner you stop worrying about what he is doing/saying/thinking, the sooner you can figure out what you want to change about you.

L

hbb

I know in my heart that everything i did with my exabf was for the betterment of his recovery. BUT i couldn't make him stay with me, he ultimately in the end did what HE wanted to do. I used to be real resentful and couldn't believe HE left ME after all the work i did to encourage him to seek recovery. This is who he is even now sober.....a jerk!

My point is, at the end of the day, your ex is going to do exactly what he wants to do, alcoholic/addict or not. Working this hard to salvage a relationship that sounds this unhealthy may warrant taking a second look at. Sounds like a lot in just a year and a half. Believe me when i say I'm speaking from my own experience and if could go back and see what really was, i would. I wanted things with J and i to work SO badly......right or wrong! And they were VERY wrong.

NeedHelp81

This stuff is all soooo confusing to me for some reason.

You know what's weird though? The thing he wants me to do ARE REALLY the things I want to change about me as well. However, I don't want him thinking I did it for him - but I could have his as support......except that's dumb because he still doesn't except me as his support system.

Hmm..

LaTeeDa

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but...........

Two messed up people cannot be each other's support system. I agree you could benefit from some support, but looking to an addicted abuser for support is crazy. A professional therapist with experience in addiction/codependence would be a much wiser choice, IMO.

L

NeedHelp81

Hahaha. No offense taken at all. I agree. I just don't like counselors and stuff. I went to a few for depression/bipolar when I was younger and they just annoy me. I find it really hard to tell a complete stranger whats "Really" going on in my head!

LaTeeDa

I can understand that. It took me a few months of going before I felt comfortable enough with my counselor to tell her "everything." But, I'm so glad I stuck with it. It really changed my life for the better.

L