blessed4x

So last night AH tells me he wouldn't drink if we "did it" EVERY DAY (preferably several times a day)......what???? Then he tells me I'll "be doing a lot more for the kids and paying for it too" because if he's not "getting it" he's not helping out. I guess I have now become an unpaid ***** in my own home.

Right now I'm feeling angry, sad, and want to either cry or beat the %$#@ out of him......but I do feel better just for the fact that I can get this out. I think most of the people in my life would think I was making it up because to them he is so charming. Thanks for listening.

JustMeInWI

You're not alone. I got the EXACT SAME quacking from my husband. "Maybe if we had sex two or three times a day he wouldn't be so stressed out and then he wouldn't have to drink" QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!

Don't give up and don't give in to the quacking. Stand up and take care of what YOU want and what YOU need.

So many times I'd give in, make myself have sex with him more often (yes even several times a day when possible), and resent both myself and my AH more and more every single time. And guess what?? He didn't stop drinking!!!!

All I can say is: :codiepolice

dor5711

I got the same thing -- if we did it then he wouldn't drink. Did he really think I wanted to get close to him when he drank, passed out, wet the bed, etc? I think I slept in the spare bedroom more than in my own room those last few months. Quack Quack Quack............

Doreen

CatsPajamas

It never ceases to amaze me how similar many of our stories are.

Life gets better. One day at a time. I promise it does.

Cats

prodigal

Ignore this so-called "bargain" and any others he may proffer. They won't stick. He wants sex. He tried to cut a deal with you.

His responsibilities and his sobriety are not subject to negotiation. Period.

Reality

I had an al-anon friend whose husband did the same thing. They made a deal, a written contract even...

She gives him sex daily, he doesnt drink. Period. Done deal.

When she told us long timers about it, we of course tried to reason things out with her about sucessfull this probably wasnt going to be but she said:

"Its one thing I havent tried yet to get him to stop drinking".

Lasted 36 hours. a day an a half later, he drank. Contract broken.

Totaly insanity.

respektingme

Dit-to on the ho ho, lol. I can't help but laugh. I'm just absolutely amazed at how many others have heard these exact words. I, too, have heard the same exact thing!!! Perhaps if he got sex more often, it would help him relax and then he'd be able to go to sleep rather than drink himself to sleep. And he absolutely has to have his 8 hours of sleep to be able to function at work, so it was either or. Yeah, right. That's quacking alright. ANYTHING that you have to bargain so that your AH won't drink is quacking. :chatter

My days of being made miserable over his quacking stopped quite a while back when I learned what quacking really is. He used to compare his drinking to my weight. If I'd lose the weight, he'd stop drinking. If I would reign in my spending, he'd quit drinking. If he got more sex, he'd quit drinking. All these conditions to HIM stopping HIS drinking!! Oh yeah, and I'm the reason he's an alcoholic... just ask his mother. I get all the blame for him guzzling HIS vodka.

How convenient that all is. It IS quacking. Don't listen to it.

dolphingal1971

I can relate to this “deal”. He tells me he drinks because I complain and downgrade him. One day I didn’t say anything but nice things to him and he still dranked. He actually had the nerve to try and compare how much he spends on booze and cigs to me drinking DIET DR PEPPER! He even said I was addicted to it like he was to alcohol. He has said that he acts the way he does, mean, and verbal abuse because we haven’t been intimate in awhile and he feels “unloved”. oh boohoo hoo! :chatter

respektingme

Seriously, I have a hard time being intimate when I have fresh memories of him in a drunken stupor, tobacco all over his chin and shirt, eyes darting in his skull to and fro, slurred stupid words, weaving through the halls and leaning against the walls, and ew, the smell of battery acid coming from his pores.

Am I just a hole? Do I not need to be turned on at all? Apparently not. As long as he wants it and I'm willing, he's ready. Ah, no. I'll have sex when I want it too. Anything else makes me feel like a tool. I hate that.

blessed4x

Thanks for the responses.....it is kind of creepy that we all have such similar stories. Dolphingal, I'm also a Diet DP addict.

I kept hearing the term "quacking" and thought that was what it meant.

LaTeeDa

Let's see, at various times in our marriage, he drank because-

We didn't have sex often enough
We didn't have sex the way he liked
I was a b*tch
I was cold
I earned more money than him
The kids drove him crazy
The house was a mess
The garage was a mess
His parents drove him crazy
He didn't have enough work
He had too much work
He was tired
He was sad
He was happy
It was raining
The sun was shining
It was cold out
It was hot out........

Quack, quack, quack.

L

kj3880

Try this one:
I need to have sex more when I don't drink or use drugs because sex will produce endorphins that the drinkin/drugs used to produce, so I won't go into withdrawal....???
Yeah, right.
I told him, well, then if you are just needing the "release of endorphins:" go pleasure yourself...that would work the same way. I think there's a stack of porn under your side of the bed....
Hope no-one is offended by this...it is true though, if they are needing to relieve stress, they can just go do that. We aren't there for "useage." Sex in a relationship shouldn't be like that.
KJ

OverItNow

Yes, yes and yes some more. Same thing here. If we had sex, apparently, he would not drink, he would not yell at me, he would help me around the house, with the kids, etc.

Problem is--my body and my mind are the only things that I control in this crazy life of living with AH. I will not give that up. I am not a close your eyes and think of England gal. I've got to be into it full throttle--and I am not even at 1/4 throttle with him.

Barbara52

Amen to that!

DII

It's not just a guy thing...my AW wants to "do it" also but she does it to test my love and desire for her. It really is a control thing and a way to divert the problem away from themselves an on us! I told my AW once that I wouldn't want to have sex with a drunk if I wasn't married to them why would I want to have sex with her when she was drunk?

mizztake33

Thanks for this!!! My husbad said practically the same thing! You can't keep anyone from drinking - period. No matter wht.

Good luck!

Freedom1990

Dang, there are a lot of ducks out there!

I think LaTeeDa pretty well covered the list my exAH had!

Rainbowsend

Are many of them sex addicts too? My exA would indulge in "self love" 8 times a day if he was on his own, Oooohhhh for the time, energy and inclinaton. And just for the record the more he got the worse his drinking was so not such a good "deal"