lovtolaff

Can this EVEN be done? I've always liked the "bad boy" - always. When I meet guys that are "nice guys" it's like I'm instantly turned off. They could be the nicest, most caring sincere guy - and I'm running for the hills. It's almost like my head screams "NO don't be nice to me - say something mean or be more illusive" - isn't that crazy?

I'm 39 years old - is it too late to change my "picker" from bad boy to good boy? Is there a "balance" in there somewhere?

Barbara52

I am convinced it's possible to fix a broken picker.

What I think it takes is self examination to determine just why it is we tend to wnat men who are X (whatever X may be) and make the necessary changes in ourselves. Not easy but possible.

Babyo622

I completely understand and I am the same way and after my last pick of a so called bad boy AL boyfreind who basically ruined my life for the past 3 yrs. I am sooooooooooo done with even the thought of dating a bad boy. See to me they were sexy and cool but LOSERS!!!! And the nice guys just did not turn me on but I am taking it one step at a time to get over the illusion that a bad boy is worth all my misery.

I met this really sweet man and he is acutually younger then me and I plan to give it a shot. He has a great job, own place and is not messed in the head. And if you knew me you would know that if there was a hot a**hole in the bunch I would go for him in the past.....lol. Now that I am also in my 30's I want kids and a real man to share my life.

So i guess it is just a consious choice......

Rella927

Love it is never to late to look within ourselves.....and I truly believe that we can change our "Picker" by starting with ourselves first.

I married a wonderful man-my soul mate the love of my life-3 months after we married he passed away. After almost 3 years I started dating the "bad boys" and I felt that I never deserved any better than the treatment that I was getting from these men. What I really found out it was not only their behavior it was mine too!

I had that "stinking thinking" going on about everything in my life....that God took from me the only person that knew me, was kind to me, treated me the way that I was meant to be ...so why would I possible have anything like that in my life? To have God take it away again?

I began recovery and started to see more clear-and today each day I still learn a lot about myself and today I'am becoming the person that I want to be and know what and who I want in my life. The toxic people are easy to see when I can rid the toxic stuff from myself! I create my life and no one destroys my life but me...

"Progress not perfection" it can be done Love....and age is nothing!

And P.S. Today I listen to what my head, gut and heart tell me! If it is a bad feeling inside then there is a
good reason for that!

Jazzman

How about a reformed bad guy ex-rocker that's a nice guy now? LOL!!!

I wrestle with the same thing, sorta. I have been on a least two dozen first dates and I just can't get past my first impression. I want a woman that's about 60% all girl, 30% tom boy and 10% nasty girl. But it's the last 10% that gets my attention first! LOL!! I really need to get my head examined.

CatsPajamas

It took me awhile in recovery, some therapy and a lot of introspection for me to change both the type of man I was attracted to AND the type of man whom I attracted.

I no longer want or need a knight in shining armor to rescue me from my dreary life... I love my life and all that's in it. I don't want to take care of or mother some poor lost man/boy soul anymore. I can't fix him up and I no longer WANT to.

The lesson that stands out the most is that JUST because something is familiar and comfortable to me does NOT mean it is healthy or right. It just means I've been there/done that before.

It can be done but it takes WORK. I can honestly say I am not attracted to the same type of man anymore, and I don't attract that kind either. It's a healthier balance for me now.

respektingme

Jazzman, the words "nasty" can have very different connotations between someone in their early 20's and someone whose days of wearing tiny bikinis were gone a long time ago. My mom said once that she liked to look "accidentally sexy". Above all else, she always looks classy.

I still can't tell in men. Successful, clean cut, funny, handsome, well-dressed men can often be fronts for Top Gun, ego-maniacs with shattered self-esteems that need constant stroking. In fact, the last guy I found attractive had a combover, lol. I think I may have finally changed my picker. But I'm married and have been for 15 years. However, if I ever wind up single again, I'll be keeping away from the pretty boys with big egos.

To add one last thought.... I have dated some good-looking guys in the past and not really been turned on. They were on par with the other guys I had dated in terms of physical looks. But they didn't act like they knew they looked that good. They were nice and considerate. And for some reason, my whacked out brain interpreted that to mean they were somehow inferior and I needed to move on. Bad brain bad brain!!

That's most likely why they say when it rains, it pours. Because when we're happy it shows and we don't appear needy.

nowinsituation

My current choices are:

#1 - Smart, funny, kind, thoughtful, successful, -- dated for about a month (once/week) -- great, fun, well-planned dates!, talk on the phone almost every day. Divorced after a long marriage. Not "great" looking, but dresses well and cares about his appearance.

#2 - Quiet, somewhat shy. Best friends of my neighbor--and he hangs out there or down the street at the bar all weekend (drinking, of course). Sleeps in his camper in neighbor's driveway (practically underneath my bedroom window) when he "drinks" too much and doesn't want to drive home. One very short-term marriage; and currently "stuck" living with his "ex-gf?" since they bought a house together. Doesn't ever ask me out; we just wind up hanging out together because he is always there. Not "great-looking", but not bad.

Now, someone shake me and tell me why I am even thinking about guy #2????

CatsPajamas

Now THAT is what I call relationship wisdom in its purest form.

Done_With_It

Oh gosh, when or if you figure that out let me know...
I think I like this type cause then I get to leave them,
and I don't have to worry about getting hurt.
When being treated "Bad" becomes unacceptable to us, (even by ourselves)
I think the people who come into our lives change as well.
But we have to find out what is attractive and/or comfortable about being treated bad.

:ghug2

JMO~

Lilyflower

I think it was LTD who said become the person you want to have in your life; i wholeheartedly agree with that. Like attracts like in relationships i believe.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Impurrfect

I totally understand. I always said if you put me in a room with 99 "good guys" and one "bad boy", I will be attracted to the bad boy.

After 3 relationships in my life, ALL 3 were "bad boys" AND had alcohol/drug issues, I've taken a break from men to find out what I want. I still have several "bad boy" friends, but don't let it go any further. The more I read here about unhealthy relationships vs. healthy ones, I'm no longer interested in "unhealthy". And BTW...I'll be 47 next month, so it IS possible to change!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

LaTeeDa

Yes, Lily, I firmly believe like attracts like. When you're putting together a jigsaw puzzle, only the right pieces fit together, even though they look similar. If I change my "shape" even a little bit, I no longer fit with the same piece.

Another thing that helped me was indentifying what was really attractive to me. When I started online dating, I wasn't having much luck attracting decent guys. So, I took my profile to my therapist and she helped me revise it to describe myself and what I was looking for more accurately. It was a big help, not just in writing a good profile, but in really figuring out what I want.

It turns out that I am attracted to creative, unconventional types. In the past, that had led me to immature, irresponsible people. Being able to sort out the attractive qualities from the turn-offs helped me to be more discerning and not just go for the first guy who had the attractive qualities. I learned to look beyond the "good stuff" to see if any of the stuff I didn't want was also present. It's easy to ignore red flags when you find someone attractive. I don't think I've really changed the type I'm attracted to, I've just learned to be a little more choosy and pay attention to the red flags.

L

isitme

I haven't read all the way through the posts so, sorry if this is a repeat.. but the Laws of Attraction would say that the reason you are "picking" those kind of men is because you are focused on what you don't want instead of what you do want. If you continue to think about how you don't want a loser, alkie, or another bad boy, that's exactly what you'll get. You have to think about what you do want more often that what you don't want anymore.

( I've yet to confirm this.. but I'm working on it..hehe)

Lizziesd

I am trying to figure that out with my therapist. I like bad boys, enlisted, military men. They date me and love me and when its time to get serious, they wonder why I even date them because they think I should be dating lawyers and doctors. I find myself attracted to the uniform, the clean cut look. Anyways, I think you can change. My therapist is going to work on that with me because like she said, I am setting myself up for failure because I am purposefully picking from a pool of men that are riskier in terms of long term relationship potential, since they have to get stationed somewhere else, etc.

coyote21

I pick women that are 90% nasty girl, cause they're easy. Then in my own form of sickness elevate them to some sort of madona-like status. I REALLY need to get my head examined!

If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck and looks like a duck... it's probably a duck. Damn. :wtf2

Now I've got this little girl to raise and I have to pick someone for her to model, when the time comes. The plot is really thickening. :praying

If I know my higher power He's got a plan. All I have to do is work on me and wait.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

CatsPajamas

Doesn't God have a great sense of humor? LOL

Not only do you have to find someone for her to model, YOU get to model as well. You get to show her what a healthy relationship looks like, how a man and woman should treat one another, all that fun stuff.

Isn't it great that you have a new life and some recovery to help you with that task? Your little girl is lucky to have you in her life.

coyote21

Thank you Cats....you make my eyes well up....in a good way.:ghug3

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote