sodetermined

I'm living w/my abf, continuing to work on my codependency, and although he is so much better, I wouldn't say he is in recovery. He doesn't go to meetings, but will go to Celebrate Recovery or Church if I ask, or listen to stuff I read from different books.

Things are better, but still have a long way to go.

Yesterday after work (we ride together, work in the same town, and he has no license), he asked if I would stop so he could get a 24-oz beer. I didn't flip out, I just told him that in my opinion it's not a good idea, but then he throws a fit (pouts about it), so I stop. Last night after the beer was gone, he was rather grouchy (which he would never admit to). I am really struggling with detaching while he is in these moods, trying not to let him affect mine.

Well he just called from work and asked if I cared if he got another one tonight. I mean, how do I handle this? If I say no, then he will pout and say I'm controlling. If I stop, I'm enabling. This is so frustrating!!!!! What should I say to him??? What I said was that I didn't think it's a good idea, then he's like "Well, I gotta go", kinda crappy, no good bye, no I love you.

dolphingal1971

I would tell him that its your decision to stop and you are not stopping and if he doesnt like it, get another ride. that you feel you are enabling him, that if he was a drug addict, you would NOT take him to his dealer, that in a nutshell is the same thing he is asking from you. I know its tough. Its tougher since you both ride together. Be strong and dont let him influence your decisions.

hbb

I think you have the right idea about not enabling him. I agree, i would just tell him that if he thinks it's a good decision that he will have to get the beer on his own. Nothing you did, he shouldn't be mad at you!

sodetermined

I will let you guys know how it goes....

LaTeeDa

Wait, isn't this the same guy who hits you? Detachment and boundaries can be dangerous in a situation where physical abuse is involved.

L

sodetermined

L,

He has been abusive twice (pushed me and grabbed my neck, never has hit), both times he was drinking and using meth. Severely strung out and drunk. We were arguing, it was some heavy duty fighting. This was over a year ago. He has been through anger management/other classes, he walks away before he gets to that point. He hasn't shown any violence toward me at all. He did kick the door back in February. His reaction, I'm sure will be pouting all the way home and at home, ignoring me, being cold to me.

sodetermined

p.s.

I was different then, too, in that I reacted to his actions w/severe codependent behaviors, screaming, yelling, following him around the house. I no longer do that. I leave the room, or just refuse to engage in his attempts to get me to argue.

sodetermined

Not buying the beer, just would have to stop the car so he can get it. Stopping purposely for beer.

CatsPajamas

Wow. What a difficult situation.

Is there any way that you could change the transportation? Could he get a ride with someone else? Could one of you take public transportation perhaps? The bottom line is that he'll find a way to buy his alcohol ... they always do.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. He's going to do what he's going to do REGARDLESS of what you do.

atalose

It's your car with you driving, do you want to take the risk of having an open container in your vehicle? For what so he doesn't pout?

You've already done it once and look how he's pushing, calling to ask you to do it again.

I'd be figuring out why I would allow his pouting to bring me to allowing him to drink beer in my car while driving home. Doesn't one beer turn into wanting another and then another?

Silverberry1331

Pouting, moodiness, etc are manipulation tactics. I agree that you shouldn't be part and parcel of his decision making process.

Perhaps, you can state at a neutral time (like when you are not giving him a ride) that you have decided that he does not need to ask your permission for his actions because they are his choices, and your choice is not to take him to the store for booze, nor allow him in your car with it, nor give him an answer when he asks your opinion on it. That sets the boundary...then stick to it.

If he wants a beer after work, and make the car ride announcement you can remind him of the boundary...if he still insists, then say you will be more than happy to pull over where you are and allow him to take it from there. Don't give into his manipulation

Barbara52

Having no experience dealing with someone who had gotten physically violent (well not since I was a teen at any rate), I can't say whether setting the boundary of not stopping is too risky or not. I do know violence can happen way too easily once it has happened.

Perhaps consider a different means of transportation for him.

good_luck

I'm not passing judgement on your current relationship, but I would like you to know that this is b***s***.

I was in a very similar situation to yours. Actually scarily similar. I decided that my reactions to him caused the violence, and if I could just walk away and not engage, it wouldn't happen. Maybe this is actually true, but I won't ever know, because ultimately he was so nasty towards me that I just broke and had to defend myself.

There are a lot of complicated things that I could say on this subject. But there is only one thing that I think that I really need to say.

It took me forever to hear what my brothers and male friends were saying, and really understand it. They told me that there was nothing that their SOs could ever do to make them become physical towards them. That it simply wasn't an option.

I hope that you can understand this, and free yourself from thinking that you could have done something differently. And I hope that you are not doing what I did for so long -- attempting to change myself, twist myself, to prevent someone else's bad behavior.

Away from that horrible relationship, I can see that I didn't deserve that. And you don't either.

Bless you.

NYC_Chick

I feel for you, but don't understand why you continue to put up with this guy. It sounds like living in h*ll.

There is no difference between a man pushing, shoving, putting his hands on your neck, etc. and punching you in the fact. I watched my father practically choke my mother to death. I'm sure she would agree with the above statement now that she's been out of it for years.

He's not in recovery and unfortunately there is worse to come. The next thing he will likely put his fist/foot through is you. I hope you realize you deserve much better than this before that happens.

prodigal

I can't tell you what to say to him. Frequently, people dealing with the addict want to know what they should say, how they should say it, what they should feel, etc. I guess this comes from being other-focused so much. We kinda lose our own internal radar that instinctively tells us what to say. We have to re-learn it.

I've followed your situation since your initial post. I could tell you what I would say to him, but I won't. Let's just say, I'd keep it short, sweet, and very simple.

As long as he's drinking - and trying to convince himself he can control his drinking - I'm afraid you are going to have to put up with the pouting, blaming, cold-shoulder, and any other manipulative attitudes he wishes to dish out.

sodetermined

Well I thought that I would give an update on how last night played out. I got in the car (and brought him a pop, we had them leftover in the lounge here at work), and he says "Thanks, but I won't be needing that because I'm getting a beer", so I say to him, "Well, if you think it is a good choice to get beer, you will have to find another ride, I'm not going to be your enabler". So then he gets pouty, whatever, like I knew he would. Then just ignored me...except when he had something negative to say, and even when I tried making conversation it turned into him disagreeing with whatever I had to say. Which I expected anyway.

He was a little grouchy, so I just tried to go about my business as usual. I think he has so much anger inside and it's like he hates it when I act happy. And sometimes for me it is an act, because inside it really hurts and bothers me that he gets like that.

There was no major confrontation, and it was dropped.

prodigal

Maybe the subject was dropped without a major confrontation or blowup, but the point is you are putting on an act. You are expending energy in order to let someone else not know what you feel. Why? Because he doesn't give a damn how you feel. So you are bothered, he's pouting, and you live with each other.

If it bothers you that he gets "like that" you have a choice to not tolerate this behavior. Because as long as he's using he will get "like that." And you will continue to be bothered by his childish behavior unless you deal with WHY you are spending your time with someone who is "like that."

Sorry to be so blunt about this, but you have put up with this man for quite awhile and he's still pulling this stuff. And it is still upsetting you. And the air is never really cleared. And issues are not resolved.

If you want to live like this, that is your choice. The price you are paying seems a bit high to me, but it's your life ....