Reddmax

Could some of the frequent posters let me know what the reaction of the A was to the setting of boundaries. I've been pretty hit and miss on this as I get these curveball responses from the AW.

If you would, give me an example of the boundary, and what actually happened when you enforced it?

Thanks,

Redd

Jazzman

I wasn't very creative when it came to boundaries and I only have a few examples. I had one boundary where if she was drunk I would be scarce. Her reaction? I dunno, I wasn't around. I had another boundary that I couldn't live with her AND her drinking. Her reaction? She got a replacement and is driving that poor guy nuts right now.

I'm sure there will be more examples.

Jazzman

Oh wait, just remembered some more. If she wrecked my truck I wasn't going to replace it. Her reaction? She had to buy her own car after she totaled my truck. Then she totaled that one. Then I had another boundary that I would no longer cover her on my insurance, her reaction? She got her own policy.

LaTeeDa

Mine used to take money out of the ATM and not tell me about it. Then I would write checks to pay bills thinking there was enough in the account to cover them, and they would bounce. I "moved out" of that account, set up my own, had my paycheck direct deposited, and never added him as a signer. His reaction--he kept on spending money he didn't have, but at least he didn't have access to mine as well.

L

Silverberry1331

Hi Redd,

I left for a two week trip. Prior to the trip, I promised my AH that I would leave him my car to get around in (his car isn't good for distance). Mind you at the time, he was "sober". So I didn't know he was still drinking...Anyway, the week before I left, he got bombed twice. One time just a day before I left. So, I told him that I was not letting him use the car. I told him that I couldn't risk him taking it out and getting it smashed/impounded/whatever....

His reaction? He was very angry...tried to belittle me, then tried the whole "you're controlling" card, and then cried (that didn't work)...then when I returned, he was still so angry that I followed through on my boundary that he told me that he didn't think he could be married to me anymore, and this kicked off a series of events that is now leading to our separation...He is out of the house on September 7th. Never once did he look at the boundary and the entire situation as a consequence of his actions.

Who knew that boundaries could be so powerful? The hardest part was not his reaction, but my resolve...I have a need to avoid unpleasantness and strife...giving into his demands is a way to remedy that. Moreover, I was afraid of where it would lead us if I kept my boundaries...I didn't want to mess with the status quo.

I can almost guarantee you any boundary that you put down that doesn't go along with the wife's game plan is going to potentially be uncomfortable, but stick to it... It is not only empowering, but it brings some dimensions of the relationship to light that would remain hidden without them.

Stay strong! It's hard, but worth it. :ghug3

dolphingal1971

I told mine that he ever got physically violent with me again and screaming in my face, I would call the police. I even told his sister and parents that I would. Well a few days later, he pushed me, threw a lit cigarette on me, threw a shoe at me and cursed and screamed at me. I calmly dialed 911. The cops came and the cop told him noone would be arrested and he kept running his mouth. the cop arrested him and pressed harassment charges. Needless to say, he still says I did it which my name is nowhere on the arrest paperwork and when he gets drunk, he has stopped laying a single finger on me or pushing me. We go to court next month.