Hoping someone can relate...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
Hoping someone can relate...
I'm so hoping someone can relate to what I am going through. A bit of back ground.... AH and I have been married for 8 years and have 2 kids. He has had issues with alcohol since we got together. He is also controling and has been verbally abusive amongst other things. Now I'm not claiming to be perfect in the relationship, but earlier this year it occurred to me that I don't have to put up with this and that I deserve better. I had realized that I forgot things that I love and goals that I had. Basically I forgot who I really was to the point when I would ask myself what I liked and I couldn't even think of one thing that didn't have to do with being a parent. This is when I decided that I wanted a divorce. My kids also deserved to have a better home life.
That was in May. All this time I had been fine with wanting the divorce and have noticed major changes in myself for the better. I feel alot happier. A while back I told AH that he could go on and date other people. His co-worker back in July had introduced him to a woman that is 10 years older and they developed a relationship as she too was just out of a relationship and has been divorced. Ok fine. Well the day that he told me, he called her then brought me the phone to talk to her. She wanted to let me know that she wasn't going to cause any drama and all that. We actually spoke for like an hour. I have talked to her on one other occassion. Once I knew about her and the way that she was sort of sprung on me I started to get upset with him for doing that to me. I also know that they were "together" at some point. Well, in a moment of weakness he and I were together also. I regret it now. To many emotions brought up and I dont know if it was before or after they were.
Anyways... we had a conversation tonight and I told him that I can't say if we will ever get back together, I REFUSE to go back to a relationship like we had. We had already agreed to go to counseling to help with the seperation, but at the same time I'm starting to have issues with ending it. I am still feeling that being seperated is best for now. Some serious changes are going to have to take place over a LONG period of time for me to take him back. Can anyone else relate to this? If so (with counseling) do things usually last? I am busy with school, work and kids so I haven't even thought about a relationship with anyone including him. I would appreciate any thoughts on this. I could use some serious tough love right now. Thanks for reading.
That was in May. All this time I had been fine with wanting the divorce and have noticed major changes in myself for the better. I feel alot happier. A while back I told AH that he could go on and date other people. His co-worker back in July had introduced him to a woman that is 10 years older and they developed a relationship as she too was just out of a relationship and has been divorced. Ok fine. Well the day that he told me, he called her then brought me the phone to talk to her. She wanted to let me know that she wasn't going to cause any drama and all that. We actually spoke for like an hour. I have talked to her on one other occassion. Once I knew about her and the way that she was sort of sprung on me I started to get upset with him for doing that to me. I also know that they were "together" at some point. Well, in a moment of weakness he and I were together also. I regret it now. To many emotions brought up and I dont know if it was before or after they were.
Anyways... we had a conversation tonight and I told him that I can't say if we will ever get back together, I REFUSE to go back to a relationship like we had. We had already agreed to go to counseling to help with the seperation, but at the same time I'm starting to have issues with ending it. I am still feeling that being seperated is best for now. Some serious changes are going to have to take place over a LONG period of time for me to take him back. Can anyone else relate to this? If so (with counseling) do things usually last? I am busy with school, work and kids so I haven't even thought about a relationship with anyone including him. I would appreciate any thoughts on this. I could use some serious tough love right now. Thanks for reading.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
He is playing you good isn't he? hugs to you wish, this is horrid stuff.
Just my perspective on this, and what I am seeing happening....
You told him that he could start dating other people, perhaps when you told him this, you felt disconnected from him and felt strong enough to deal with him moving on because at that time you felt as though you had left the relationship emotionally.
In hind sight, it was probably too soon to make that remark to him, as you are still grieving and confused over this new change in your life. It takes time to heal from a separation.
He was soooo considerate of your feelings that within the 3 months between May and now, he hooked up with another woman. nice. He is obviously dealing with your break up/separation the same way A's deal with all their problems - ignore them, and do an activity that numbs any feeling, like drink get into another relationship fast etc etc.
To top it off because he has such little consideration for how you are coping with the break up and change in your life, he tells you about her and then passes you the phone to talk to her!!!
How manipulative! I see this as him saying to you 'you told me to go and date, now look woman, I have someone else who wants me, even if you don't. Don't you feel stupid now eh? You probably thought that I wouldn't find anyone, that no one would want me. I'm moving on and I want to rub your nose in it.'
As another show of his considerate feelings for you, he then, what?- wooed you into bed by making promises to change or talking to you in the sweet way he used to? This is the ultimate manipulator. First he shows you how capable of moving on he is, and then sucks you back in by showing you, he does care really, ''look here I am back in your arms''.
Now he has got you were he wanted you, confused, doubting yourself, doubting him, and acting all codie once more.
The way I am seeing this is pure manipulation to get what he wants - his enabler and rescuer back in line, you strayed from what he accepts and some good old fashioned emotional abuse and manipulation are his tools to get you acting straight once more.
Keep strong Wish, stay your course, play the tape all the way through and see his actions for what they are.
Love and blessings to you
lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Just my perspective on this, and what I am seeing happening....
You told him that he could start dating other people, perhaps when you told him this, you felt disconnected from him and felt strong enough to deal with him moving on because at that time you felt as though you had left the relationship emotionally.
In hind sight, it was probably too soon to make that remark to him, as you are still grieving and confused over this new change in your life. It takes time to heal from a separation.
He was soooo considerate of your feelings that within the 3 months between May and now, he hooked up with another woman. nice. He is obviously dealing with your break up/separation the same way A's deal with all their problems - ignore them, and do an activity that numbs any feeling, like drink get into another relationship fast etc etc.
To top it off because he has such little consideration for how you are coping with the break up and change in your life, he tells you about her and then passes you the phone to talk to her!!!
How manipulative! I see this as him saying to you 'you told me to go and date, now look woman, I have someone else who wants me, even if you don't. Don't you feel stupid now eh? You probably thought that I wouldn't find anyone, that no one would want me. I'm moving on and I want to rub your nose in it.'
As another show of his considerate feelings for you, he then, what?- wooed you into bed by making promises to change or talking to you in the sweet way he used to? This is the ultimate manipulator. First he shows you how capable of moving on he is, and then sucks you back in by showing you, he does care really, ''look here I am back in your arms''.
Now he has got you were he wanted you, confused, doubting yourself, doubting him, and acting all codie once more.
The way I am seeing this is pure manipulation to get what he wants - his enabler and rescuer back in line, you strayed from what he accepts and some good old fashioned emotional abuse and manipulation are his tools to get you acting straight once more.
Keep strong Wish, stay your course, play the tape all the way through and see his actions for what they are.
Love and blessings to you
lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Yeah, sounds rather opportunistic to me. I mean, my AH says all kinds of things to me in a weakened state (mostly drunk). But if I took everything he said literally, that would be a mess. So, if he told me he wants a separation so we can figure out our marriage and that by the way, I'm free to date others, I don't think I'd jump at the opportunity if I had any hopes of my marriage working out.
We all say things we may regret later. But man, your DH seemed ready jump on that one. Would be like my DH saying, "I wish your car was bigger." And then him pulling in to the driveway that afternoon to see my big, shiny Cadillac.
I think what you're experiencing is more of the ME mentality that A's often (or always) have. In the midst of turmoil in your relationship, he was looking for some skin. Floors me how our A's can turn our lives upside down and still covet their own desires. If only we did the same. My A's drinking has caused so much damage to our relationship in a multitude of ways. One way is with his family. In his blaming games, he turned them all against me. But he'll still argue if I don't want to go there. As in, is there any comparison at all to me not wanting to see his family to the hell he's created between us over them via his booze addiction?
So I don't know, I literally don't know if alcoholics can ever change out of the ME stage. I suppose some in recovery can. I just don't know. But it sounds like your A may still be in the ME stage.
We all say things we may regret later. But man, your DH seemed ready jump on that one. Would be like my DH saying, "I wish your car was bigger." And then him pulling in to the driveway that afternoon to see my big, shiny Cadillac.
I think what you're experiencing is more of the ME mentality that A's often (or always) have. In the midst of turmoil in your relationship, he was looking for some skin. Floors me how our A's can turn our lives upside down and still covet their own desires. If only we did the same. My A's drinking has caused so much damage to our relationship in a multitude of ways. One way is with his family. In his blaming games, he turned them all against me. But he'll still argue if I don't want to go there. As in, is there any comparison at all to me not wanting to see his family to the hell he's created between us over them via his booze addiction?
So I don't know, I literally don't know if alcoholics can ever change out of the ME stage. I suppose some in recovery can. I just don't know. But it sounds like your A may still be in the ME stage.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
You both hit the nail right on the head. I had been so strong and adament that I was determined that the divorce was what I wanted. Then he told me that and made me talk to her. I was strong through that, until I got to thinking about the whole thing. I understand he wants to move on. I haven't expected him to sit around forever. She truely is a nice person. I just find it comical that she just got out of a controling relationship and went right back in to one with an alcoholic. Supposedly when I talked to her she wanted to let me know that she didn't want to try to take my place with the kids and didn't want drama. Well that wasn't anything she needed to tell me. She can't take my place. She could have eventually ended up a step mom but thats not taking my place.
When we were together the other night, he asked if it was no strings attached. I said yes and meant it. Thats what I was expecting and didn't expect so emotion to come in to play.I should have known better. Last night I told him that while I won't say that we won't end up back together, I am standing my ground that I won't go back to a relationship like we had in the past. He definitely is still in the "ME" phase. He keeps saying that I walked out, but truth is he walked out when he chose his buddies and alcohol over being with his family. I just made the decision not to tolerate it anymore.
He is also claiming that I have destroyed all he has worked so hard for. Ok what ever. I can see the manipulation for what it is. I'm just enjoying things to much now to go back to a place I didn't even know myself anymore.
When we were together the other night, he asked if it was no strings attached. I said yes and meant it. Thats what I was expecting and didn't expect so emotion to come in to play.I should have known better. Last night I told him that while I won't say that we won't end up back together, I am standing my ground that I won't go back to a relationship like we had in the past. He definitely is still in the "ME" phase. He keeps saying that I walked out, but truth is he walked out when he chose his buddies and alcohol over being with his family. I just made the decision not to tolerate it anymore.
He is also claiming that I have destroyed all he has worked so hard for. Ok what ever. I can see the manipulation for what it is. I'm just enjoying things to much now to go back to a place I didn't even know myself anymore.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
