Hurts....
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Hurts....
You know, even though I know deep in my heart that I cannot change him and that he is responsible for his own actions, sometimes I can't help but be hurt.
He went down to the bar at 4:00 and said he was having a drink and would leave at five. I called him when I got out (at five) and he said he was finishing his drink and leaving. Well, I called him again at 6 something and he said he just paid his tab and was finishing his drink and would call me in a minute. Well......went down to the bar at 7:30.....
he was sitting there talking with his friend (girl). I trust him one hundred percent when it comes to other girls but when I walked in and saw him sitting there with her.........that hurt
knowing that I was sitting home lonely and wanted him. Even just to talk to him on the phone.
After I left the bar, I texted him and told him that it hurt to walk in and see him with her when I wanted to be with him. He said......I can't seem to please anybody today.
Maybe I am wrong to feel hurt, I don't know. But it does hurt. He's a sweet man and can't say no to anyone. She came in crying and needed him. What about me??? I was home missing him and needed him to. We only see each other 2-3 times a week.
I know, I probably sound like a huge baby. I am very sensitive and maybe everyone is right - maybe he can never love me like I want. It hurts so much to think that. It hurts bad. I finally found someone who I could trust whole heartedly and who makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me love with all my heart and my head just keeps saying.......he will never be yours.
Well, sorry for the sob story, I just needed to let it out. Thanks for listening.
He went down to the bar at 4:00 and said he was having a drink and would leave at five. I called him when I got out (at five) and he said he was finishing his drink and leaving. Well, I called him again at 6 something and he said he just paid his tab and was finishing his drink and would call me in a minute. Well......went down to the bar at 7:30.....
he was sitting there talking with his friend (girl). I trust him one hundred percent when it comes to other girls but when I walked in and saw him sitting there with her.........that hurt
knowing that I was sitting home lonely and wanted him. Even just to talk to him on the phone.After I left the bar, I texted him and told him that it hurt to walk in and see him with her when I wanted to be with him. He said......I can't seem to please anybody today.
Maybe I am wrong to feel hurt, I don't know. But it does hurt. He's a sweet man and can't say no to anyone. She came in crying and needed him. What about me??? I was home missing him and needed him to. We only see each other 2-3 times a week.
I know, I probably sound like a huge baby. I am very sensitive and maybe everyone is right - maybe he can never love me like I want.
It hurts so much to think that. It hurts bad. I finally found someone who I could trust whole heartedly and who makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me love with all my heart and my head just keeps saying.......he will never be yours. Well, sorry for the sob story, I just needed to let it out. Thanks for listening.
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
No and No. I see so much in him and I hold onto that. I should know better - especially after reading what everyone else has gone through. I wish I could just let go. The tears won't stop. I feel like such a fool. I am trying to read codependent no more and I realized after reading like four pages, I had no idea what I had just read because I am so consumed by the pain and what I am feeling right now.
It hurts to know I can't have what I thought I had. I was in a bad relationship for twelve years and finally got the courage to know I deserved better and did something about it. I left.
I had known my BF through work and we always chit chatted (phone and email). Not about relationships or anything. Just small talk. I fell so in love with him and couldn't believe how much you could love someone. He said he had a lot of things he needed to accomplish and get straight and didn't want to be with anyone. He was honest with me from the start.....I said, k, I'll just be your friend. Meanwhile, I kept falling deeper and deeper in love with him (not knowing about the addiction). Never thought I could love like that, trust like that. He ended up falling in love with me.....which is amazing because he has steered clear of relationships since he got in this mess. He doesn't trust because he has been hurt a lot.
I am hurting and I know it's my own fault. I just want something I can never really have and that is depressing. I want him.
It hurts to know I can't have what I thought I had. I was in a bad relationship for twelve years and finally got the courage to know I deserved better and did something about it. I left.
I had known my BF through work and we always chit chatted (phone and email). Not about relationships or anything. Just small talk. I fell so in love with him and couldn't believe how much you could love someone. He said he had a lot of things he needed to accomplish and get straight and didn't want to be with anyone. He was honest with me from the start.....I said, k, I'll just be your friend. Meanwhile, I kept falling deeper and deeper in love with him (not knowing about the addiction). Never thought I could love like that, trust like that. He ended up falling in love with me.....which is amazing because he has steered clear of relationships since he got in this mess. He doesn't trust because he has been hurt a lot.
I am hurting and I know it's my own fault. I just want something I can never really have and that is depressing. I want him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I just want to let you know that I understand how you are feeling. It seems the more I separate him from the addiction I feel peace, but then I also feel sad.
I relapsed when I saw my guy 2 nights ago...... and now I'm in the detox from it all. That "other guy" that talks to him and tells him to use...... comes through my guy to me in my guy's actions...... and next thing you know I'm right back in it.
It just gets worse and worse now when we see or speak to one another while he is not on the road to recovery.
My guy was there..... while it was just a glimpse and for a short time..... I saw who he was without the demons..... but they were obviously just very shallow below the surface.
Thinking of you...... again I know your pain.
Also, it pains me that I can't even share this pain with him because it just makes it worse for him, either that or he doesn't understand or even care. So - why bother.
I relapsed when I saw my guy 2 nights ago...... and now I'm in the detox from it all. That "other guy" that talks to him and tells him to use...... comes through my guy to me in my guy's actions...... and next thing you know I'm right back in it.
It just gets worse and worse now when we see or speak to one another while he is not on the road to recovery.
My guy was there..... while it was just a glimpse and for a short time..... I saw who he was without the demons..... but they were obviously just very shallow below the surface.
Thinking of you...... again I know your pain.
Also, it pains me that I can't even share this pain with him because it just makes it worse for him, either that or he doesn't understand or even care. So - why bother.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: BFE
Posts: 116
fndngserenity...
I used to think I wanted "him". I didn't want him - I wanted "him to.." Him to change. Him to get better. Him to care. Him to work and to stop and... well, you get it. I didn't want him the way he was. I wanted him the way I wanted him to be. It's almost as silly as making up a fictitious person and then expecting that figment of your imagination to walk through the door when you are through with the brainstorming.
I have actually been apart from my ex-ABF for a year and a half and am now considering the possibility of a relationship with him when he gets back from rehab. He has made some positive steps forward and there are many things about him that I did love then and still love now. However, I do know that if I do decide to date him again (and I do mean date, not jump back into a full-fledged relationship, so remind me of that later if necessary!) I will make sure of one thing - if I cannot accept him for whatever he is at that time, then I will not put either one of us through the turmoil of the imaginary relationship.
I try to remember that I would be very upset if someone did that to me - told me they "saw alot" in me but that I needed to change A, B and C and do X, Y and Z and not do P and Q. I used to think I could justify my own demands because P and Q were alcohol and drugs. But the truth is, I am not the one who gets to decide that, and I'll never be able to. I can say I don't want it in my life, and I can create boundaries on that front, but I can't stop it.
Hope you're feeling better.
I used to think I wanted "him". I didn't want him - I wanted "him to.." Him to change. Him to get better. Him to care. Him to work and to stop and... well, you get it. I didn't want him the way he was. I wanted him the way I wanted him to be. It's almost as silly as making up a fictitious person and then expecting that figment of your imagination to walk through the door when you are through with the brainstorming.
I have actually been apart from my ex-ABF for a year and a half and am now considering the possibility of a relationship with him when he gets back from rehab. He has made some positive steps forward and there are many things about him that I did love then and still love now. However, I do know that if I do decide to date him again (and I do mean date, not jump back into a full-fledged relationship, so remind me of that later if necessary!) I will make sure of one thing - if I cannot accept him for whatever he is at that time, then I will not put either one of us through the turmoil of the imaginary relationship.
I try to remember that I would be very upset if someone did that to me - told me they "saw alot" in me but that I needed to change A, B and C and do X, Y and Z and not do P and Q. I used to think I could justify my own demands because P and Q were alcohol and drugs. But the truth is, I am not the one who gets to decide that, and I'll never be able to. I can say I don't want it in my life, and I can create boundaries on that front, but I can't stop it.
Hope you're feeling better.
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Quote: Also, it pains me that I can't even share this pain with him because it just makes it worse for him, either that or he doesn't understand or even care. So - why bother. Quote
Thank you Abundance. I think that makes the pain worse too - knowing I can't tell him how much it hurts because it just makes him feel like he makes everyone unhappy. Like he might as well just give up.
Trying in Texas,
Thank you for your post, I needed to hear that. I have never told him that I want him to stop or change.....I just sit by his side and let him know that I am there if he ever wants my help. I know I can't change him. I think why I am so sad is because I am not being honest with myself. I know what I should do but its not the answer I was hoping for. It's not the "happy ever after" I thought I found. It's the "move on girl" before it's too late. That's what hurts...I know what I should do for "myself" but I'm angry that I have to do that. I'm an angry, temper tantrum throwing four year old saying I want what you promised me! I want what you led me to believe we would have.....
Well, somebody pulled back the curtain and I finally see what's really behind it.....not what I was led to believe or convinced myself to believe.
Thank you both so much for your support, it really means a lot to me. Take care.
Thank you Abundance. I think that makes the pain worse too - knowing I can't tell him how much it hurts because it just makes him feel like he makes everyone unhappy. Like he might as well just give up.
Trying in Texas,
Thank you for your post, I needed to hear that. I have never told him that I want him to stop or change.....I just sit by his side and let him know that I am there if he ever wants my help. I know I can't change him. I think why I am so sad is because I am not being honest with myself. I know what I should do but its not the answer I was hoping for. It's not the "happy ever after" I thought I found. It's the "move on girl" before it's too late. That's what hurts...I know what I should do for "myself" but I'm angry that I have to do that. I'm an angry, temper tantrum throwing four year old saying I want what you promised me! I want what you led me to believe we would have.....
Well, somebody pulled back the curtain and I finally see what's really behind it.....not what I was led to believe or convinced myself to believe.
Thank you both so much for your support, it really means a lot to me. Take care.
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Well, goodnight everyone. I'm going to try and get some sleep so that I can start a new day tomorrow. That's one good thing about days.....if one doesn't go the way you planned, there's always the next day to try again 
Thanks again for all your posts.
Nite!
Thanks again for all your posts.
Nite!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: BFE
Posts: 116
There is no happily ever after... they just decide to end the fairytale on a good note, in my opinion, or it wouldn't be a fairytale anymore.
BUT... I firmly believe that there is a "happy most of the time" and a "happy more than not" ending... if you believe that you deserve it. The absolute funniest thing about life is that almost all of it is entirely determined by your own perspective on it. There are really poor people who struggle financially and aren't all that happy... and really rich people who struggle in spite of financial security. There are really dense people who wish they were smart enough to make it educationally... and incredibly smart people who have three upper-level degrees and just wish they could quit thinking for a moment and have a nice night...
My observation from my life experiences thus far is that you can think yourself miserable no matter what is going on, and in the end, it's not all that fruitful, because we only get this one chance anyway.
So if it's better for you to go... go. If you think there's a valid reason to stay... stay! Just don't compromise yourself, your safety or security or well-being because someone else has a problem they cannot or choose not to handle.
In my experience, it's not always as easy as "stay" or "go". I "goed" (i.e., went, away from the A that is) and it didn't make anything any better because I hadn't dealt with my own stuff. I would have been better off dealing with it, whether staying or going... I completely agree that you should separate and "detach" from the bad stuff in life, but you can't consider a physical separation from a particular person as a triumph over your own issues. I think it is a toss-up on whether that's a step forward or back, depending on your situation.
I hate to hear your pain... I know just how raw that can be. Consider it an indication that something needs fixing inside you, if you will - because blaming it on another is just another way to avoid your own mess, in my opinion.
I hate it that you're hurting... hope it gets better.
BUT... I firmly believe that there is a "happy most of the time" and a "happy more than not" ending... if you believe that you deserve it. The absolute funniest thing about life is that almost all of it is entirely determined by your own perspective on it. There are really poor people who struggle financially and aren't all that happy... and really rich people who struggle in spite of financial security. There are really dense people who wish they were smart enough to make it educationally... and incredibly smart people who have three upper-level degrees and just wish they could quit thinking for a moment and have a nice night...
My observation from my life experiences thus far is that you can think yourself miserable no matter what is going on, and in the end, it's not all that fruitful, because we only get this one chance anyway.
So if it's better for you to go... go. If you think there's a valid reason to stay... stay! Just don't compromise yourself, your safety or security or well-being because someone else has a problem they cannot or choose not to handle.
In my experience, it's not always as easy as "stay" or "go". I "goed" (i.e., went, away from the A that is) and it didn't make anything any better because I hadn't dealt with my own stuff. I would have been better off dealing with it, whether staying or going... I completely agree that you should separate and "detach" from the bad stuff in life, but you can't consider a physical separation from a particular person as a triumph over your own issues. I think it is a toss-up on whether that's a step forward or back, depending on your situation.
I hate to hear your pain... I know just how raw that can be. Consider it an indication that something needs fixing inside you, if you will - because blaming it on another is just another way to avoid your own mess, in my opinion.
I hate it that you're hurting... hope it gets better.
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Originally Posted by Trying_in_Texas 
There is no happily ever after... they just decide to end the fairytale on a good note, in my opinion, or it wouldn't be a fairytale anymore.
BUT... I firmly believe that there is a "happy most of the time" and a "happy more than not" ending... if you believe that you deserve it. The absolute funniest thing about life is that almost all of it is entirely determined by your own perspective on it. There are really poor people who struggle financially and aren't all that happy... and really rich people who struggle in spite of financial security. There are really dense people who wish they were smart enough to make it educationally... and incredibly smart people who have three upper-level degrees and just wish they could quit thinking for a moment and have a nice night...
My observation from my life experiences thus far is that you can think yourself miserable no matter what is going on, and in the end, it's not all that fruitful, because we only get this one chance anyway.
So if it's better for you to go... go. If you think there's a valid reason to stay... stay! Just don't compromise yourself, your safety or security or well-being because someone else has a problem they cannot or choose not to handle.
In my experience, it's not always as easy as "stay" or "go". I "goed" (i.e., went, away from the A that is) and it didn't make anything any better because I hadn't dealt with my own stuff. I would have been better off dealing with it, whether staying or going... I completely agree that you should separate and "detach" from the bad stuff in life, but you can't consider a physical separation from a particular person as a triumph over your own issues. I think it is a toss-up on whether that's a step forward or back, depending on your situation.
I hate to hear your pain... I know just how raw that can be. Consider it an indication that something needs fixing inside you, if you will - because blaming it on another is just another way to avoid your own mess, in my opinion.
I hate it that you're hurting... hope it gets better.
BUT... I firmly believe that there is a "happy most of the time" and a "happy more than not" ending... if you believe that you deserve it. The absolute funniest thing about life is that almost all of it is entirely determined by your own perspective on it. There are really poor people who struggle financially and aren't all that happy... and really rich people who struggle in spite of financial security. There are really dense people who wish they were smart enough to make it educationally... and incredibly smart people who have three upper-level degrees and just wish they could quit thinking for a moment and have a nice night...
My observation from my life experiences thus far is that you can think yourself miserable no matter what is going on, and in the end, it's not all that fruitful, because we only get this one chance anyway.
So if it's better for you to go... go. If you think there's a valid reason to stay... stay! Just don't compromise yourself, your safety or security or well-being because someone else has a problem they cannot or choose not to handle.
In my experience, it's not always as easy as "stay" or "go". I "goed" (i.e., went, away from the A that is) and it didn't make anything any better because I hadn't dealt with my own stuff. I would have been better off dealing with it, whether staying or going... I completely agree that you should separate and "detach" from the bad stuff in life, but you can't consider a physical separation from a particular person as a triumph over your own issues. I think it is a toss-up on whether that's a step forward or back, depending on your situation.
I hate to hear your pain... I know just how raw that can be. Consider it an indication that something needs fixing inside you, if you will - because blaming it on another is just another way to avoid your own mess, in my opinion.
I hate it that you're hurting... hope it gets better.
Some days I feel so strong. I don't know if I really am or if it is a front. I know that even when you are strong you can have bad days. Maybe that's what this is. I figured I would just wake up and start a new day. But....now I know my feelings were not just an "impulse" because I am still feeling the pain and hurt and it hurt me enough on a level to give me bad dreams and nightmares over it.
I wish I knew what God wanted me to do. In all of this mess, I have to try and find myself. Just when I think I do, I get lost again. I'm gonna try to go and read some more and get my stuff together before I have to go to work (8:30).
Thank you again so much, all of you for your support. It is so nice to know I can come here and talk about my pain and my fears and not be judged or made to feel guilty for my feelings.
That was another thing. When I told him how I felt, He said "Thanks for your honesty. Should I not trust the one who doesn't trust? Guilty concience? Don't know?" When I read that it hurt even more. I trusted him.......I was lonely and felt he should be with me, not at the bar listening to another girl. What hurt was he was supposed to call me right back and an hour later he hadn't. Cuz he was with her. I believe he would never cheat on me but to know that I was home lonely and missing him to walk in and find him hanging out and listening to another girls problems was hard. It should have been me.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
It is hell having expectations for someone else that they are not living up to.
Real love is not like this.
I think you did not give yourself time to get over your 12 year bad relationship and you just decided that this guy would fill the void in you.
It is hard to look at ourselves and see our own shortcomings. It is much easier to find someone to mirror it back to us so we can blame them for our misery.
In all my years of loving addicts I have found that the more responsibility I take for myself the less likely I am to be in misery over someone else. The more I take care of me the less expectations I have of someone else and the less miserable I am as well.
You say you just got out of a bad relationship of 12 years do you take responsibility for your part in how the relationship was? Why do we put up with someone hurting us? We can't really love someone if we don't first love ourselves it's is true. We can measure our love for ourselves in the relationships we have. Do we choose people who are there for us? Who are really good for us?
People involved with addicts/alcoholics do create someone who is not really there. When this player occasionally shows up we actually believe it is real.
All of the As in my life are superb actors I have see many good performances some of them could have won an Oscar.
My H is truly talented, handsome, smart as a whip,funny, and he can make anyone believe anything but he uses all that he has to get high. I am just one of his props. He has children that he has not seen for over 3 years. He used them as a prop when I first met him. He made it seem like he wanted to be a good dad. He talked about how crazy his ex is and after spending many years with him I can see why....don't like me okay....
Real love is not like this.
I think you did not give yourself time to get over your 12 year bad relationship and you just decided that this guy would fill the void in you.
It is hard to look at ourselves and see our own shortcomings. It is much easier to find someone to mirror it back to us so we can blame them for our misery.
In all my years of loving addicts I have found that the more responsibility I take for myself the less likely I am to be in misery over someone else. The more I take care of me the less expectations I have of someone else and the less miserable I am as well.
You say you just got out of a bad relationship of 12 years do you take responsibility for your part in how the relationship was? Why do we put up with someone hurting us? We can't really love someone if we don't first love ourselves it's is true. We can measure our love for ourselves in the relationships we have. Do we choose people who are there for us? Who are really good for us?
People involved with addicts/alcoholics do create someone who is not really there. When this player occasionally shows up we actually believe it is real.
All of the As in my life are superb actors I have see many good performances some of them could have won an Oscar.
My H is truly talented, handsome, smart as a whip,funny, and he can make anyone believe anything but he uses all that he has to get high. I am just one of his props. He has children that he has not seen for over 3 years. He used them as a prop when I first met him. He made it seem like he wanted to be a good dad. He talked about how crazy his ex is and after spending many years with him I can see why....don't like me okay....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am sorry you are feeling so bad. you deserve better. only you can change that. only you can change you & he can only change when he gets ready to. why was he in a bar drinking? why was he drinking at all? think about this, is this what you really want? he can not be trusted at all. hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 161
I used to think I wanted "him". I didn't want him - I wanted "him to.." Him to change. Him to get better. Him to care. Him to work and to stop and... well, you get it. I didn't want him the way he was. I wanted him the way I wanted him to be. It's almost as silly as making up a fictitious person and then expecting that figment of your imagination to walk through the door when you are through with the brainstorming.
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I love that. Thanks for posting.
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I love that. Thanks for posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by fndngserenity
Some days I feel so strong. I don't know if I really am or if it is a front. I know that even when you are strong you can have bad days.
You are working through it and fortifying yourself by being here. Keep working through it because you're stronger than you think
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
"I didn't want him - I wanted him to.....". Brilliantly said. Charlotte Kasl's book (Women, Sex, and Addiction) helped me to understand all of that a whole lot better. I was in love in who I thought I saw "inside" - apart from all of the addiction stuff. Yep....it's the charming part that has allowed him to use, weasel out of things, and get his way. Push eventually comes to shove and it's best to take care of ourselves and decide how we want to be treated. When we aren't treated that way then we move on. How my addict treats me is how he treats me. I don't like to hurt and be in pain. Why do I choose someone that behaves in ways that hurt me? I can't change his behavior but I can change taking it.
You are smart to come and post this and get it out. Remember, we are all either in the same place or have been in the same place (and in my case, repeatedly in the same place :} ).
You are smart to come and post this and get it out. Remember, we are all either in the same place or have been in the same place (and in my case, repeatedly in the same place :} ).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
FS...... bless your heart.
You will soon get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think that is what really happens. In the meantime..... process... cry .. and cleanse. Rinse. And you might need to do this several more times.
When I am in contact now with my guy .... I'm not strong enough to relapse back into all of those sensations. I tell myself I am..... but then - the truth ~ reality of it all is that I just am right back where I was days earlier.
Bless your heart..... I mean that. Bless - your- heart.
DONNA!!!!!! That BOOK! I'm so glad you mentioned it again. That is a *MUST READ* for me.
You will soon get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think that is what really happens. In the meantime..... process... cry .. and cleanse. Rinse. And you might need to do this several more times.
When I am in contact now with my guy .... I'm not strong enough to relapse back into all of those sensations. I tell myself I am..... but then - the truth ~ reality of it all is that I just am right back where I was days earlier.
Bless your heart..... I mean that. Bless - your- heart.
DONNA!!!!!! That BOOK! I'm so glad you mentioned it again. That is a *MUST READ* for me.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
That book was written for women that suffer from "love" addiction. How many ways can I spell "that's me". Also, another word for co-dependency. It really helped me to see that my feelings in this addicted relationship were my addiction. Ouch!
FS - hope that you are doing ok today. It's just a process - up and down. We're here for you and supporting you all the way. It does help to have a place to come where the members have the courage to "let it go" and just know that each of us is doing what is best for us at any given time. It helps me to think of this as a spiritual journey that is teaching me what it is that I need to learn in this lifetime for my soul to grow. It's dawning on me that maybe "good self care" is one of those things. I've always equated love with pain and hurt somehow. It's not what I've wanted but it sure has felt familiar. Recovery has taught me that there is another alternate to feeling bad.
Thinking about you and everyone else.
FS - hope that you are doing ok today. It's just a process - up and down. We're here for you and supporting you all the way. It does help to have a place to come where the members have the courage to "let it go" and just know that each of us is doing what is best for us at any given time. It helps me to think of this as a spiritual journey that is teaching me what it is that I need to learn in this lifetime for my soul to grow. It's dawning on me that maybe "good self care" is one of those things. I've always equated love with pain and hurt somehow. It's not what I've wanted but it sure has felt familiar. Recovery has taught me that there is another alternate to feeling bad.
Thinking about you and everyone else.
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Good morning. Thank you all so much. I am feeling much better today. Here's some answers to a few questions that were asked on this thread.
I started dating my ex when I was fifteen, almost sixteen. My mother had been through three marriages and another bad relationship - always about the man in her life. I was angry with her for a long time until I realized she did the best she knew how to do. I grew up always feeling unloved and wanting it more than anything. When I met my ex, I clung to him like glue. He didn't really love who I was and vice versa. It took me a long time to realize that though. We only got married a few years ago. I started really looking at myself and what I wanted and who I wanted to be. Everytime I started being myself, our personalities clashed and I would crawl back in my shell and hate myself. When I left him it was the best thing for "me" I had taken several months to really think about what I wanted out of life, what I deserved and what I needed. I needed, wanted and deserved to have "me". That is actually what gave me the strength to leave. I had held on also for my daughter. Seeing what my Mom went through and knowing what I went through with stepparents made me not want that for my daughter. I also clung to her so tightly, almost addicted to her. I cried night after night thinking about my life if I moved out and not being able to be with her everyday. That terrified me to the point of sickness and depression. Well, I really searched my soul and found when I moved out, I was whole and all of the fear and anxiety disappeared. I never cried for her because I knew everything would be okay. I became strong.
I had known my new BF for a few years now. Only through phone and email though and met him once. My job required me to order services from his company on a sometimes daily basis. Well, he was a great friend when I was leaving my husband. I actually started talking to him personally the week I left my husband. I don't know, maybe I knew I was going to need a friend, not sure. He was an excellent friend. Well, over time, I fell so in love with him. I fell in love with him before we saw each other face to face again. About two months after I left my husband. We have so much in common, even little queer quirks. He was as honest as he could be in the beginning. He didn't come out and say, I have an addiction problem but he said, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. Will you settle for being friends? I'm just not ready - I have a lot of goals that I have set for myself, things I want to accomplish. I'm really f^%ked in the head right now and I need to get my sh*t straight. I said "ok". I was still in love with him and he revealed little bits to me over time. By the time I knew everything, I was completely in love with him and he with me. He hadn't been with anyone in over six years. He told me once when we were at the bar and he could tell I looked sad. "This is why I didn't want to be in a relationship.......I didn't want to bring anyone else into what I am going through. But you wouldn't give up....." - soooooooooo, that's how it happened.
Right now he is doing much better. I must say the drinking keeps me alert though. He is weaning down off his suboxone and is down to 4 milligrams now. He sleeps well, he can get up in the morning, take his shower and not have to take a pill right away. He is pleasant for the most part. This morning I asked him to please not go down to the bar today. I have never asked that before. I gave him legitimate reasons. He has an inspection to do tomorrow at 8 and it is almost two hours away. If he drinks, he will not be getting up on time. I tried to take it away from "you shouldn't because it's not good for your recovery". I think he does a lot of it out of boredom, or, if he's had a bad day, that is his way of dealing with it. I've done that before as I'm sure many others have. The difference??? it's not becoming and addiction to us as it is him.
Today my goal is to work and focus on myself. If he does go to the bar, I am staying clear away from contact with him while he is there. It just creates anxieties for me.
Well everyone, I must get ready for work now so talk to you all later. Thank you again for your support. I hope this helps you to see a little where I have been and where I am now
hugs
I started dating my ex when I was fifteen, almost sixteen. My mother had been through three marriages and another bad relationship - always about the man in her life. I was angry with her for a long time until I realized she did the best she knew how to do. I grew up always feeling unloved and wanting it more than anything. When I met my ex, I clung to him like glue. He didn't really love who I was and vice versa. It took me a long time to realize that though. We only got married a few years ago. I started really looking at myself and what I wanted and who I wanted to be. Everytime I started being myself, our personalities clashed and I would crawl back in my shell and hate myself. When I left him it was the best thing for "me" I had taken several months to really think about what I wanted out of life, what I deserved and what I needed. I needed, wanted and deserved to have "me". That is actually what gave me the strength to leave. I had held on also for my daughter. Seeing what my Mom went through and knowing what I went through with stepparents made me not want that for my daughter. I also clung to her so tightly, almost addicted to her. I cried night after night thinking about my life if I moved out and not being able to be with her everyday. That terrified me to the point of sickness and depression. Well, I really searched my soul and found when I moved out, I was whole and all of the fear and anxiety disappeared. I never cried for her because I knew everything would be okay. I became strong.
I had known my new BF for a few years now. Only through phone and email though and met him once. My job required me to order services from his company on a sometimes daily basis. Well, he was a great friend when I was leaving my husband. I actually started talking to him personally the week I left my husband. I don't know, maybe I knew I was going to need a friend, not sure. He was an excellent friend. Well, over time, I fell so in love with him. I fell in love with him before we saw each other face to face again. About two months after I left my husband. We have so much in common, even little queer quirks. He was as honest as he could be in the beginning. He didn't come out and say, I have an addiction problem but he said, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. Will you settle for being friends? I'm just not ready - I have a lot of goals that I have set for myself, things I want to accomplish. I'm really f^%ked in the head right now and I need to get my sh*t straight. I said "ok". I was still in love with him and he revealed little bits to me over time. By the time I knew everything, I was completely in love with him and he with me. He hadn't been with anyone in over six years. He told me once when we were at the bar and he could tell I looked sad. "This is why I didn't want to be in a relationship.......I didn't want to bring anyone else into what I am going through. But you wouldn't give up....." - soooooooooo, that's how it happened.
Right now he is doing much better. I must say the drinking keeps me alert though. He is weaning down off his suboxone and is down to 4 milligrams now. He sleeps well, he can get up in the morning, take his shower and not have to take a pill right away. He is pleasant for the most part. This morning I asked him to please not go down to the bar today. I have never asked that before. I gave him legitimate reasons. He has an inspection to do tomorrow at 8 and it is almost two hours away. If he drinks, he will not be getting up on time. I tried to take it away from "you shouldn't because it's not good for your recovery". I think he does a lot of it out of boredom, or, if he's had a bad day, that is his way of dealing with it. I've done that before as I'm sure many others have. The difference??? it's not becoming and addiction to us as it is him.
Today my goal is to work and focus on myself. If he does go to the bar, I am staying clear away from contact with him while he is there. It just creates anxieties for me.
Well everyone, I must get ready for work now so talk to you all later. Thank you again for your support. I hope this helps you to see a little where I have been and where I am now
hugs
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Oh yeah, and when I was with my ex, I was angry with him for a long time at the way he treated me, the things he did and didn't do. One day, I realized that he was who he was and that it was not his fault. I couldn't change who he was and he was not a bad person, just not the person for me. I couldn't grow beside him. When I left him, that was part of what made it easier, I finally realized that nobody was to blame - we are both good people but our morals and goals were just too different.
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