TryingSoHard

You've all been so welcoming, understanding, and supportive that I figure it's time to share my story with you. If I can put it into words, that is...

I'm 38. I'm married (9 years) and have two sons, ages 14 and 5. The teenager is trying my patience on a daily basis (he is my son from my first marriage and me and his dad DO NOT GET ALONG). The 5-year-old is MY ONLY REASON for even trying to live anymore. I love my husband dearly but we have our issues. I think we've both changed in the past few years and we just don't know how to relate to each other like we used to.

I am SuperGirl: SuperMom, SuperWife, SuperFriend... you name it. I am the one who is there for everyone, all the time, no matter what. I am THE STRONG ONE. No matter what crap I'm dealt, I always wind up being responsible, doing what needs to be done, and taking care of everyone else.

I've always been a drinker but I've not always had a *problem*. It's been gradual. The past 2 - 2 1/2 years have been when it progressed the most. I could see it developing and yet I did nothing to try to stop it. Now it's to the point where I drink more nights than I don't drink, and I hide my drinking from my family. Or at least I attempt to hide it, until I get so drunk that it's obvious I've been drinking, even if they haven't SEEN me drinking.

Vodka is my poison of choice because it's clear and it doesn't smell as much as others. I tend to drink a Diet Coke and vodka while I'm home alone and then open a beer right before my husband gets home so that if I seem "tipsy" at all then I have an "excuse". If that makes sense.

My husband and I have long enjoyed drinking together, in a non-problematic way. We like wine, we like champagne, and we like to occasionally have a fun weekend night of drinking. He has no problem controlling his drinking (much like I used to).

He is 6 years younger than I am. He is employed full-time in a somewhat stressful position. I am employed part-time (currently Saturdays only) in a non-stressful position, in a hobby that I love, working for a friend. My husband has NO friends. Literally none. So when he needs support, or to vent, or anything, he comes to me. I'm ok with that, but it's a large responsibility. It makes me feel like I can NOT lean on him because he has no room for me.

Same with my best friend. I LOVE HER to death, and she loves me, but she is in a very bad position right now and has problems that are a lot more serious than mine. There's no way I can BURDEN her with what's going on with me, and expect her to help me. I don't begrudge her that; I accept that that's just how it is right now. Still, it sucks.

So, I hide a bottle of vodka in my dresser and I sneak drinks from whatever bottles are currently open in the liquor cabinet. I drink a beer or two in front of the family so that they will know I'm drinking but not know how much.

I know that I am probably slowly killing myself.

I have wanted to confide in someone for a long, long time but just have not found the "someone".

I am overwhelmed by the love and support that I've encountered in my week here at SR. You people are truly wonderful and I am so, so thankful that I found you.

winwin

You have come to the right place. There are many people here that have been in the same situation. I really am probably not the one to help you. My husband passed away about four years ago and I didn't have to deal with telling him about my problem.
Just keep posting and I am sure you will get some good advice. But in the meantime I am thinking about you and I hope things work OK.

TTOSBT

Okay, now that you have told a little more about yourself, we are even MORE alike!
Wow. Except I was a wine drinker, not beer and vodka.

Astro

I've said it before and I'll say it again. The longer I'm in recovery the more times I hear stories very similar to my own, they're a constant reminder that I'm not so different or unique, for many years I convinced myself that I wasn't an alcoholic because I wasn't homeless and living in a gutter. But the truth is I wasn't far off. I'm really happy that you feel welcome here, and hope that you stick around and begin your journey in recovery.

You can find my story here, but here's a short version.

I was married, currently I'm a single father of two children ages 10 & 13. I'll get back to them later. I have an amazing GF who works her own programs of recovery. My ex (actually both, I'm twice divorced) was/were my drinking partners when we met. The mother of my children was a great enabler, she bought me alcohol until I begged her to stop, but I continued drinking for many years. Eventually my disease ripped the marriage and family apart, she had an affair with at least one co-worker, and I found my way into AA. In spite of what my drinking did to our marriage, and even though I was sober, just before I moved away from my family she told me she wanted to be married to someone who could drink. That still baffles me, but I know it to be codependency at it's finest.

So here's the deal for me now. In AA our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. But I believe I have another purpose in life, and as long as I'm clean and sober I'm on a daily mission to fulfill it. Using your words, my purpose is also to be SuperMan, SuperDad, SuperBoyfriend, and SuperFriend. Somedays I try and fall flat on my face, other days I do pretty well. All I know for sure is that it's still happening one day at a time, so I just do the best I can and I'm grateful for the second chance I've been given. And oh, I share an incredible love with my children. Now that's an awesome gift of recovery!

Life is good. It starts each day with making a commitment to my recovery.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

deezaldog

You are in the right place and you are not alone. I share your story. I drank vodka thinking it could not be smelled. I was wrong. Many people noticed the smell. You are only one person. When you stop doing for everyone else they will learn to do it for themselves. If you do not take care of yourself then you are no good to anyone else, esp. yourself. My motto now is 'Just don't drink now". It helps me get through to 24hrs. Where I live there are many AA mtgs for women only. They are not men bashing events, we are a group of women going through the same thing in alcoholism and trying to provide support/advice for each other. We focus on women suffering from alcoholism and trying to stay sober in the AA program. It is a great deal of support for many of us. This site can be a great sense of support as well. A lot of great advice is provided. Hope this helps you today and keep posting about your situation. LOL

Hevyn

Hi Trying-my story is almost the same, too, only I didn't recognize alcohol as my enemy at your age. I was still deep into denial - I couldn't imagine my life without my friend and companion. I was mostly a beer drinker, but in the end went to 100 proof vodka. Nothing really did the job anymore when I decided to lay it down in January for the (I hope) last time. It was no longer fun or relaxing - it had become a necessity & it was making me sick and insane. You can avoid the hell that I ended up creating for myself. SR was my salvation. The more I read, a huge weight was lifted off me. I knew I didn't have to carry my burden alone any more. Thank you for trusting us with your story and allowing us to be part of your recovery. I know you can do this and we'll be here to support you. Love, Joanie

TryingSoHard

Don't get me wrong... I drink plenty of stuff other than vodka. Vodka is just what I choose to keep as my hidden beverage.

He and I enjoy wine. He and I enjoy beer. He and I enjoy rum and Jack. But rum and Jack smell and are a lot more noticeable than vodka. I can sneak a drink of vodka.

I suck.

TryingSoHard

So, pardon me for this, but I just have to say...

GOD DA!!!M IT!!!

Why doesn't anyone care about me the way I care about them? Why do THEIR NEEEDS come before mine TIME AND TIME AGAIN??? WHY WHY WHY???

It's just so stinking unfair.

My best friend texted me tonight, asking what time I started drinking. I said it doesn't matter. She dropped it. WHY? Why can't she pursue it? Why can't she put her own problems aside JUST THIS ONCE to see if I need help? Why can't my husband see that I am sick?

WHY WHY WHY?

I know I need to take responsibility for things, but I also think others should accept that which is BLATANTLY dropped in their laps. And they are not. And it hurts me.

Astro

In addition to my AA program I've also been attending codependency meetings for 1 1/2 years. The Steps our very similar, #1 reads like this:

1. Admitted we were powerless over others, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Other people don't have to accept or do anything they don't want to do. What I have is the option to react to their behavior, or let it go and focus on my recovery. It's taken me awhile to adapt healthy behaviors in my recovery, and it's something I constantly need to work on. I "slip" often when it comes to my own codependency. Progress, not perfection, I'm aware that I can't offer much to anyone else if I don't take care of my needs first.

SelfSeeking

Remember me last night Trying? I was so, so, so angry at my SO's "insensitivity". In my head everything was so obvious that I couldn't imagine it wasn't obvious to others. I really had to sit down and spell it out, every agonizing detail. It's crazy because you've spent so much time and effort working to hide these things, and then you have to work so hard to expose them!

But as my SO said last night... "You know, I can't read you mind." If we don't say what we need, we'll never get it.

*said in the all-wise voice of one with very little sober experience" LOL

Keep posting! *hugs*