Having terrible 2nd thoughts....and I called him...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
Having terrible 2nd thoughts....and I called him...
It's been 4 weeks since I threw him out, haven't heard anything from him in about 3 weeks. It's KILLING ME!!! I SO want him to hit bottom, realize he has a problem...I just SO want to believe in him!! I've been beating the walls of Heaven with prayer, and put him on every prayer request list I can find. I'm TRYING to "give it to God" but geez this is SO HARD when I love him so much!!
I'm having MAJOR change of heart here, wish I would have never thrown him out. I have been learning so much more than I "thought" I knew about this desease, and realize that I did so much WRONG. I was listening to well meaning people, even a minister, and they were all telling me to do all the wrong things. I just wish I could turn back time!!
Well, I was trying not to have contact with him, but today I just couldn't take it anymore. Not knowing where he is staying, whether he has gone on with a new girfriend or not, is just killing me. So I phoned, naturally got his answering machine. I left a message that I was wondering how he was doing, and if he was still going to fix my tractor as he said he would. And I also said that if he had moved on with somebody else, that he needed to let me know that so I knew I should also move on.
Knowing him, his ego is so big, he probably won't call back.....he's probably still on a "I'll show THEM (me & his mom) that I can make it on my own" attitude. But I REALLY hope he does call back and tells me SOMETHING, so I can end this madness in my head. He still has a few things here, so I figured he was leaving kinda an open door "in case".....but geez not hearing anything from him is mental anguish. Not hearing anything is giving me HOPE, that maybe he IS right where he needs to be "to bottom out".......and my gut is telling me to stay in faith....with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.....but if he really has gone on, then I need to get closure or whatever. The sad fact is that I don't even care if he is an A, I would take him back in a heartbeat!!
You guys are probably all gonna yell at me for calling him & feeling this way.....but I just couldn't handle it any more. I'm only HUMAN.:sorry
I'm having MAJOR change of heart here, wish I would have never thrown him out. I have been learning so much more than I "thought" I knew about this desease, and realize that I did so much WRONG. I was listening to well meaning people, even a minister, and they were all telling me to do all the wrong things. I just wish I could turn back time!!
Well, I was trying not to have contact with him, but today I just couldn't take it anymore. Not knowing where he is staying, whether he has gone on with a new girfriend or not, is just killing me. So I phoned, naturally got his answering machine. I left a message that I was wondering how he was doing, and if he was still going to fix my tractor as he said he would. And I also said that if he had moved on with somebody else, that he needed to let me know that so I knew I should also move on.
Knowing him, his ego is so big, he probably won't call back.....he's probably still on a "I'll show THEM (me & his mom) that I can make it on my own" attitude. But I REALLY hope he does call back and tells me SOMETHING, so I can end this madness in my head. He still has a few things here, so I figured he was leaving kinda an open door "in case".....but geez not hearing anything from him is mental anguish. Not hearing anything is giving me HOPE, that maybe he IS right where he needs to be "to bottom out".......and my gut is telling me to stay in faith....with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.....but if he really has gone on, then I need to get closure or whatever. The sad fact is that I don't even care if he is an A, I would take him back in a heartbeat!!
You guys are probably all gonna yell at me for calling him & feeling this way.....but I just couldn't handle it any more. I'm only HUMAN.:sorry
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Dear Anubus
First of all, please, don't apologize here for how you feel. Or that you are still open to continuing on with your boyfriend, and that you desperately wish to return to the relationship you two shared.
From what you've written, it sounds inevitable that something will happen for you soon.
You have set something in motion now. I, too, will often take an action when the uncomfortability of sitting with uncertainty becomes too much. So I can completely relate to you.
If ever love could heal alcoholism, your case would serve as a shining example. Aaaahhh....Would that it were only possible. But, the fact that I am doubtful that your love can effect a cure for your boyfriends drinking problem is not to say that I doubt it CAN help you come to a more clear and peaceful resoloution in your own life.
It sounds as if you really want one more opportunity to try out some of your new tools. Who among us could fault you for that?
I hope you hear word from him soon so that your way becomes clear and easier.
love
First of all, please, don't apologize here for how you feel. Or that you are still open to continuing on with your boyfriend, and that you desperately wish to return to the relationship you two shared.
From what you've written, it sounds inevitable that something will happen for you soon.
You have set something in motion now. I, too, will often take an action when the uncomfortability of sitting with uncertainty becomes too much. So I can completely relate to you.
If ever love could heal alcoholism, your case would serve as a shining example. Aaaahhh....Would that it were only possible. But, the fact that I am doubtful that your love can effect a cure for your boyfriends drinking problem is not to say that I doubt it CAN help you come to a more clear and peaceful resoloution in your own life.
It sounds as if you really want one more opportunity to try out some of your new tools. Who among us could fault you for that?
I hope you hear word from him soon so that your way becomes clear and easier.
love
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
No yelling here. I took my A back, too.
I am living with him today, and my life is content and generally serene.
Did I mention that he still drinks from time to time?
While my AH has made some major changes in his life and his recovery, the main reason that my life is better today, is that I have changed.
I no longer rely upon him for my happiness.
I no longer believe that his love will save/fix/cure me.
If your ABF comes back, know that he will probably come back in about the same state that he left. He probably won't be more industrious, more considerate, or more complimentary.
You know this man. You know what you're getting.
If you think that you can love him, as he is, and accept your life and relationship, as it is, then fulfillment is possible.
But if you imagine that he will behave just as he always has, and you can't imagine happiness for yourself in that setting - you might think about saving yourself the trouble.
-TC
I am living with him today, and my life is content and generally serene.
Did I mention that he still drinks from time to time?
While my AH has made some major changes in his life and his recovery, the main reason that my life is better today, is that I have changed.
I no longer rely upon him for my happiness.
I no longer believe that his love will save/fix/cure me.
If your ABF comes back, know that he will probably come back in about the same state that he left. He probably won't be more industrious, more considerate, or more complimentary.
You know this man. You know what you're getting.
If you think that you can love him, as he is, and accept your life and relationship, as it is, then fulfillment is possible.
But if you imagine that he will behave just as he always has, and you can't imagine happiness for yourself in that setting - you might think about saving yourself the trouble.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bend OR
Posts: 197
Guess what?! I got yelled at for feeling this way - I don't know youre whole story but I do know you have to let everything run it's course and STAY STRONG!
I am just learning how to do this. I miss my XABF SOOOOOO MUCH but he has now went downhill since he left. Turned into a very mean spirited evil man who resents me. It is helping me to stay strong talking to everyone here. Every person on her can relate to you in one way or another....
Please listen to the advice they give. It really helps - ALOT!
Good luck.
I am just learning how to do this. I miss my XABF SOOOOOO MUCH but he has now went downhill since he left. Turned into a very mean spirited evil man who resents me. It is helping me to stay strong talking to everyone here. Every person on her can relate to you in one way or another....
Please listen to the advice they give. It really helps - ALOT!
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What were you hoping for when you threw him out 4 weeks ago? Was your motive for you to become healthy by letting go? Or could it have been to manipulate him into hitting bottom?
It’s natural to have second thoughts once the waters become calm; it’s acting on those feelings and emotions that keep us traveling down the wrong roads.
It’s natural to have second thoughts once the waters become calm; it’s acting on those feelings and emotions that keep us traveling down the wrong roads.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
Thank you all so much for the truly caring replies!! It is so wonderful that I can post here & vent my feelings, and not be judged. I cannot thank you all enough.:ghug3
I am :praying that I do hear back from him, and that one way or another, I'm able to reach an understanding. Since he left & I've been reading & learning so much about what I SHOULD have done, going to Alon On & hearing how others are dealing well with changing themselves & still living with the A......I just really have realized SO much. And I'm :praying that he will come back, and try this one more time. They say 3rd time is the charm (we split last year for 4 months, when he came back he admitted to me, and ALMOST got the courage to face his warrant/DUI issues.....but, not understanding the desease, his mom & I harped on him too much and he got scared & ressisted). He confided in me about the warrant & trusted me with his innermost fears, and instead of just "being there" for him to come to terms with if/when he dealt with it......I over-reacted, and pushed him further into his mental hole. And all with encouragement from his mom, a minister, etc...I thought I was doing the right thing, instead of getting the facts of this desease FIRST. I pray the God touches his heart, and he gives me a 3rd try with this relationship.
Honestly, he isn't physically abusive, and is a very happy drunk...we would watch Dean Martin movies together, plant/work in the garden, play cards.....his main problems are with jobs, depression, and not facing this warrant/dui. Being as I own a house & 1 acre yard, he did help ME alot with keeping my ancient tractor working, the grass cut, checking my car fluids, etc........I keep laughing to my friends that I need my handyman & comedian back. I know none of those things equals a normal relationship, but I am lonely & lost without him here. I was so afraid of him getting caught on the warrant, and what the drinking was doing to his health, so lovingly (so I THOUGHT) I was trying to make him "SEE".......ugh!! I now know that he has the right to be an A if he choses so, and if we get back together I will try my best to let him BE HIMSELF. And to change MYSELF to accept things as they are, and just be responsible for MYSELF.
And on the flipper side, if he doesn't chose to come back, I hope he at least calls me and rationally tells me so, and I find the acceptance & closure to move on. This mental torment, praying my heart out & worrying, is driving me crazy and I haven't been able to release it and move on. I went on a date last night with a nice guy (2nd date)......it was okay, but before I can even think of a new relationship, I need to put this one to either to rest, or try it again.
AHHHHHH.....as one mentioned above, if only LOVE were enough......my heart is just breaking & my love is so strong. sIGH!!
And as another mentioned, perhaps he is MY "drug of choice"......well, guess I have that choice too.....to live my life as an "addict" or not.
Thank you all.....I know everyone here has or is feeling the same pain, and my heart just breaks for all of us!!!
I am :praying that I do hear back from him, and that one way or another, I'm able to reach an understanding. Since he left & I've been reading & learning so much about what I SHOULD have done, going to Alon On & hearing how others are dealing well with changing themselves & still living with the A......I just really have realized SO much. And I'm :praying that he will come back, and try this one more time. They say 3rd time is the charm (we split last year for 4 months, when he came back he admitted to me, and ALMOST got the courage to face his warrant/DUI issues.....but, not understanding the desease, his mom & I harped on him too much and he got scared & ressisted). He confided in me about the warrant & trusted me with his innermost fears, and instead of just "being there" for him to come to terms with if/when he dealt with it......I over-reacted, and pushed him further into his mental hole. And all with encouragement from his mom, a minister, etc...I thought I was doing the right thing, instead of getting the facts of this desease FIRST. I pray the God touches his heart, and he gives me a 3rd try with this relationship.
Honestly, he isn't physically abusive, and is a very happy drunk...we would watch Dean Martin movies together, plant/work in the garden, play cards.....his main problems are with jobs, depression, and not facing this warrant/dui. Being as I own a house & 1 acre yard, he did help ME alot with keeping my ancient tractor working, the grass cut, checking my car fluids, etc........I keep laughing to my friends that I need my handyman & comedian back. I know none of those things equals a normal relationship, but I am lonely & lost without him here. I was so afraid of him getting caught on the warrant, and what the drinking was doing to his health, so lovingly (so I THOUGHT) I was trying to make him "SEE".......ugh!! I now know that he has the right to be an A if he choses so, and if we get back together I will try my best to let him BE HIMSELF. And to change MYSELF to accept things as they are, and just be responsible for MYSELF.
And on the flipper side, if he doesn't chose to come back, I hope he at least calls me and rationally tells me so, and I find the acceptance & closure to move on. This mental torment, praying my heart out & worrying, is driving me crazy and I haven't been able to release it and move on. I went on a date last night with a nice guy (2nd date)......it was okay, but before I can even think of a new relationship, I need to put this one to either to rest, or try it again.
AHHHHHH.....as one mentioned above, if only LOVE were enough......my heart is just breaking & my love is so strong. sIGH!!
And as another mentioned, perhaps he is MY "drug of choice"......well, guess I have that choice too.....to live my life as an "addict" or not.
Thank you all.....I know everyone here has or is feeling the same pain, and my heart just breaks for all of us!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
I also took my XABF back 2 times. The 3rd time I was absolutely SURE of my decision. You will know when you are SURE! When the pain of staying is stronger than the pain of leaving you will know!!
Even though mine has been gone now since the first week of July, I still talk to him, still see him on occasion....but that is because we have chosen to remain friends. He doesn't want to stop drinking and I cannot live my life with an alcoholic. That was MY choice for ME. I have had my bad moments, believe me. What has helped me is to re-read the list of things that I could NOT deal with anymore and the things that he had done that crushed my feelings inside. then "it all came back to me" why I had asked him to leave in the first place. It's hard though.
As long as I keep telling myself that HE has to make the changes for himself, it lightens the load on me and reminds me that I am helpless to help him!!
Whatever you do is your decision but I would hope it would be for YOUR life to be better. Keep your chin up
Even though mine has been gone now since the first week of July, I still talk to him, still see him on occasion....but that is because we have chosen to remain friends. He doesn't want to stop drinking and I cannot live my life with an alcoholic. That was MY choice for ME. I have had my bad moments, believe me. What has helped me is to re-read the list of things that I could NOT deal with anymore and the things that he had done that crushed my feelings inside. then "it all came back to me" why I had asked him to leave in the first place. It's hard though.
As long as I keep telling myself that HE has to make the changes for himself, it lightens the load on me and reminds me that I am helpless to help him!!
Whatever you do is your decision but I would hope it would be for YOUR life to be better. Keep your chin up
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Whatever you decide to do, do not do it thinking it will have any influence on his drinking or not drinking. You aren't that powerful! He will find his own recovery in his own time regardless of what you do or say, regardless of where he is living.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Anubus--
I hope you find your answers!
But wait, I couldn't tell from your post -- did he deal with his outstanding DUI warrant? And he had some illegal car/van thing going?? Is all that cleared up? That stuff was really a stressor for you (as it would be for me!) when you first started posting.
It would be a shame for you if you just invited the same misery BACK into YOUR life again!!!! Nothing changes if nothing changes. What's changed?
((((hugs))) and :praying prayers for your peace of mind!
B.
I hope you find your answers!
But wait, I couldn't tell from your post -- did he deal with his outstanding DUI warrant? And he had some illegal car/van thing going?? Is all that cleared up? That stuff was really a stressor for you (as it would be for me!) when you first started posting.
It would be a shame for you if you just invited the same misery BACK into YOUR life again!!!! Nothing changes if nothing changes. What's changed?
((((hugs))) and :praying prayers for your peace of mind!
B.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
I hope he doesn't call you back - for your sake.
No contact was very difficult in the beginning for me. When XABF did try to eventually contact me after about a month and a half, I was ticked.
How dare he interrupt MY recovery.
No contact was very difficult in the beginning for me. When XABF did try to eventually contact me after about a month and a half, I was ticked.
How dare he interrupt MY recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
No he did not deal with the warrant/dui........I just decided that if I want him back, I have to accept him as is. When/if he decides to deal with it, or eventually get caught, it's HIS life.
As for the van, last I heard he was going to junk it. I'm not sure if he did or not.....again, if he choses to drive it illegally, that is HIS choice.....and I have to accept it if I want to be with him.
I've thought about this long & hard, and totally ready to "surrender" to whatever happens if he does come back. Call me crazy, but I just can't take anymore!! I'd rather live WITH him & A, than go through this emotional torment.
He MAY not even WANT to come back.....his ego is pretty big, and I'm sure he's told his daughters all kinds of lies about me, which he may be too proud to face them with coming back. Or he may not want o admit to me if his life is not going so well....he's pretty proud. And if his life IS going well, he might not tell me that either, wanting to leave a door open "just in case". I just hope that he at least has the courage (yeah, right....an A with courage.....lol) to return my call & let me know so I know to move on.
To Needhelp....yes, I have been reading your posts, and my heart REALLY goes out to you. I meant to come to your aid when everyone was "yelling" at you (your words). I really felt bad for you, because I completely understand where you were coming from, and I thought the replies were pretty harsh. I know everyone means well on here, but sometimes people have to realize just how much we are hurting & grieving. I planned to reply and stick up for you, but was just too emotionally drained to do so.
As for the van, last I heard he was going to junk it. I'm not sure if he did or not.....again, if he choses to drive it illegally, that is HIS choice.....and I have to accept it if I want to be with him.
I've thought about this long & hard, and totally ready to "surrender" to whatever happens if he does come back. Call me crazy, but I just can't take anymore!! I'd rather live WITH him & A, than go through this emotional torment.
He MAY not even WANT to come back.....his ego is pretty big, and I'm sure he's told his daughters all kinds of lies about me, which he may be too proud to face them with coming back. Or he may not want o admit to me if his life is not going so well....he's pretty proud. And if his life IS going well, he might not tell me that either, wanting to leave a door open "just in case". I just hope that he at least has the courage (yeah, right....an A with courage.....lol) to return my call & let me know so I know to move on.
To Needhelp....yes, I have been reading your posts, and my heart REALLY goes out to you. I meant to come to your aid when everyone was "yelling" at you (your words). I really felt bad for you, because I completely understand where you were coming from, and I thought the replies were pretty harsh. I know everyone means well on here, but sometimes people have to realize just how much we are hurting & grieving. I planned to reply and stick up for you, but was just too emotionally drained to do so.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I know everyone means well on here, but sometimes people have to realize just how much we are hurting & grieving.
It is precisely because I recognize your pain & grief and you are ASKING for help-- and I guess the hand that I try to reach out has REALITY stamped on it - which may be harsh - but it is painful for me to see people hurting themselves and giving away their sweet qualities to partners who are abusive.
Like this for instance-- this breaks my heart Anubus--
I'm sure he's told his daughters all kinds of lies about me,
There is no scenario of a loving helathy relationship that includes our partner telling lies about us to their family members...
So maybe I will respond harshly -- it's like when you're watching a horror movie and the girl either puts the knife down, or goes to check on the noise she heard, and you want to scream from the audience "DON"T DO IT!!!"
Harsh? I'll wear that.
But only because of my fear for you hurting yourself!!
Ultimately I know how to live and let live and you are choosing what is best for YOU - and certainly I wish you joy and happiness in your choices!!!
Collectively all of us on SR have probably seen it all - so you're not alone.
I may be strong and harshly realistic in my response today because I will need someone to be strong & harshly realistic in their responses to me tomorrow!!
(((hugs)))
B.
It is precisely because I recognize your pain & grief and you are ASKING for help-- and I guess the hand that I try to reach out has REALITY stamped on it - which may be harsh - but it is painful for me to see people hurting themselves and giving away their sweet qualities to partners who are abusive.
Like this for instance-- this breaks my heart Anubus--
I'm sure he's told his daughters all kinds of lies about me,
There is no scenario of a loving helathy relationship that includes our partner telling lies about us to their family members...
So maybe I will respond harshly -- it's like when you're watching a horror movie and the girl either puts the knife down, or goes to check on the noise she heard, and you want to scream from the audience "DON"T DO IT!!!"
Harsh? I'll wear that.
But only because of my fear for you hurting yourself!!
Ultimately I know how to live and let live and you are choosing what is best for YOU - and certainly I wish you joy and happiness in your choices!!!
Collectively all of us on SR have probably seen it all - so you're not alone.
I may be strong and harshly realistic in my response today because I will need someone to be strong & harshly realistic in their responses to me tomorrow!!
(((hugs)))
B.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by anubus 
I now know that he has the right to be an A if he choses so, and if we get back together I will try my best to let him BE HIMSELF. And to change MYSELF to accept things as they are, and just be responsible for MYSELF.
There's absolutely no shame in saying no!
I posted earlier about my choices and the outcomes that I've had, and I'm a little bit concerned that it wasn't the proper place to speak. I guess I'll just say that my acceptance is not unconditional. Choosing to live in the situation as it is, does not mean that I must be constantly adapting my wants, needs, and desires. It does not mean that I must sacrifice myself for another.
I did not change so that my relationship would work - I changed because, as I was, I did not work.
I'm getting a mental picture of you molding yourself into this person who will fit into the relationship, chipping off the aggression, smoothing down the fear, sanding away the neediness. I just want to say - do the changing if you want the changing - don't do it so that you can be with him.
Why were you so unhappy before? What is different now?
I'm thinking about you.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 49
Hi Anabuse....
Im curious to know why HE is the one who gets to decide what you will do with YOUR life?
That means your life is on hold til he notifies you whether he will return.
Take back your power. Choose your own choices.
Im curious to know why HE is the one who gets to decide what you will do with YOUR life?
That means your life is on hold til he notifies you whether he will return.
Take back your power. Choose your own choices.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by anubus
I'd rather live WITH him & A, than go through this emotional torment.
.
.
Hopefully, it will become apparent to you how willing you are to limit your precious life to only 2 options: Life spent at effect of one untreated, unsober alcoholic man or so-called torment.
You are holding yourself inside a teeny box. The box is comfortable (well, its not truly comfortable) due only to its being familiar.
You may recognize the interiors of its walls and low ceiling, and familiarity feels safe to you. To live outside of this box is absolutley terrifying, I can hear that fear in your words. Like that saying about "the devil we know vs the devil we don't know..."
If you are willing to raise the top of your little box up a few notches and see some blue sky, you might be amazed what is truly possible in your life.
Everything WILL be OK. No matter what.
No matter what!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
Hi Bernadette,
I understand, and honestly I have to agree with you on everything you said. I was referring to replies that NeedHelp81 was getting the other day when I mentioned harsh. I felt bad for her the other day, because I was feeling the same hurt that she was feeling when she posted(am still is). I know you all are trying to be helpful, not harsh.
I should have also mentioned this....I guess some of my decision for wanting him back is because I've also been getting phone calls from my X-husband (the sober adult child) the past few days. We were married for 23 years, and divorced 4 years ago. He's been calling me about problems with our 21 year old son (grandchild of an A.......urgh....this desease shows no mercy!!). Well, XH's life is no better 4 years later (remarried), and mine is not either. The conversations have been quite soul searching for me, plus combined with all my new found knowledge of alcoholism & codependancy......I'm 50 years old, been through alot, and just plain exhausted, and ready to surrender to changing MYSELF to adjust to not so perfect people. My decision isn't right for everyone......looking back, I should have left XH in the first year of marriage. But I didn't, and finding my ABF brought so much joy to my life, I just have to weigh out whether being alone is more pain than being with him.....and yes the being alone is MUCH WORSE.....it just took me awhile to figure it out. He hasn't called back yet, so hopefully it isn't too late to save this.
I understand, and honestly I have to agree with you on everything you said. I was referring to replies that NeedHelp81 was getting the other day when I mentioned harsh. I felt bad for her the other day, because I was feeling the same hurt that she was feeling when she posted(am still is). I know you all are trying to be helpful, not harsh.
I should have also mentioned this....I guess some of my decision for wanting him back is because I've also been getting phone calls from my X-husband (the sober adult child) the past few days. We were married for 23 years, and divorced 4 years ago. He's been calling me about problems with our 21 year old son (grandchild of an A.......urgh....this desease shows no mercy!!). Well, XH's life is no better 4 years later (remarried), and mine is not either. The conversations have been quite soul searching for me, plus combined with all my new found knowledge of alcoholism & codependancy......I'm 50 years old, been through alot, and just plain exhausted, and ready to surrender to changing MYSELF to adjust to not so perfect people. My decision isn't right for everyone......looking back, I should have left XH in the first year of marriage. But I didn't, and finding my ABF brought so much joy to my life, I just have to weigh out whether being alone is more pain than being with him.....and yes the being alone is MUCH WORSE.....it just took me awhile to figure it out. He hasn't called back yet, so hopefully it isn't too late to save this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I guess it's all in your perspective, isn't it? Most all the posts I read on NeedHelp's thread said things like "you deserve better," "people who love you don't abuse you," and "you're worth more." And that seems harsh to you?
I'll tell you what's harsh. One time my husband stayed out all night and didn't come home the night before Thanksgiving. And my parents were staying at my house. And I was crying to my mom the next morning and asked her "Why do I put up with this crap?" And she said "because you love him." Now that's harsh. Feeding my low self-worth and denial and playing the "love" card.
My hope for you is someday you realize that being with an alcoholic is NOT better than being alone. That someday you love yourself enough to be happy with your own company rather than settle for someone who doesn't have the capacity to love himself, much less you. That someday you realize that you are worth so much more than you think you are right now.
Peace,
L
I'll tell you what's harsh. One time my husband stayed out all night and didn't come home the night before Thanksgiving. And my parents were staying at my house. And I was crying to my mom the next morning and asked her "Why do I put up with this crap?" And she said "because you love him." Now that's harsh. Feeding my low self-worth and denial and playing the "love" card.
My hope for you is someday you realize that being with an alcoholic is NOT better than being alone. That someday you love yourself enough to be happy with your own company rather than settle for someone who doesn't have the capacity to love himself, much less you. That someday you realize that you are worth so much more than you think you are right now.
Peace,
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
In reading your post, it makes me sad to be honest.
When my ex and I split, all I could think about was how I wanted him to come back, but be the person I wanted him to be...a sober, nice, considerate and caring person. I also did not want to start over. We were very nearly engaged the night I found out he was drinking a pint of whiskey a night that he hid from me for the 3 years we were together. I went to therapy and the therapist told me several times that this was my golden opportunity to get this right and to really get myself healthy. I took it and I'm so glad I did because I now know what I deserve and what is acceptable to me. I will never again live the kind of h*ll I was living with my ex. I will never come second to a bottle of liquor. It hurt worse that I imagined it could, but I thank God that I went through the pain to get to the other side. I still love him and think I always will, but my life no longer revolves around him. He's made his choices and there is nothing I can do about it. I made the choice to live a healthier life, which will someday include a partner that will put me before a substance.
I find your situation sad because in reading your post it seems you are so desperate to be with someone, ANYONE, that you are willing to toss your feelings and your sanity aside to achieve that. So what if he doesn't come back? You're 4 weeks out of this and you've already had a second date. Will you continue to date until one sticks? I'm not trying to be harsh, but I believe that I kept finding the same people because I never took the time out to work on myself. When you are so focused on a replacement, it doesn't leave a lot of room for you.
You're worth more than bouncing from relationship to relationship. Hopefully you will give yourself a chance to see that.
When my ex and I split, all I could think about was how I wanted him to come back, but be the person I wanted him to be...a sober, nice, considerate and caring person. I also did not want to start over. We were very nearly engaged the night I found out he was drinking a pint of whiskey a night that he hid from me for the 3 years we were together. I went to therapy and the therapist told me several times that this was my golden opportunity to get this right and to really get myself healthy. I took it and I'm so glad I did because I now know what I deserve and what is acceptable to me. I will never again live the kind of h*ll I was living with my ex. I will never come second to a bottle of liquor. It hurt worse that I imagined it could, but I thank God that I went through the pain to get to the other side. I still love him and think I always will, but my life no longer revolves around him. He's made his choices and there is nothing I can do about it. I made the choice to live a healthier life, which will someday include a partner that will put me before a substance.
I find your situation sad because in reading your post it seems you are so desperate to be with someone, ANYONE, that you are willing to toss your feelings and your sanity aside to achieve that. So what if he doesn't come back? You're 4 weeks out of this and you've already had a second date. Will you continue to date until one sticks? I'm not trying to be harsh, but I believe that I kept finding the same people because I never took the time out to work on myself. When you are so focused on a replacement, it doesn't leave a lot of room for you.
You're worth more than bouncing from relationship to relationship. Hopefully you will give yourself a chance to see that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
Gosh, everyone.....I really want to THANK YOU for helping me come to terms with all of this. I truely appreciate all the replies. Yes, I know I DO deserve better. I've been hearing this for the past 27 years (ugh....heard it the entire time I was married to XH, the sober adult child of A).....But life doesn't always throw us "better". So we each have to make decisions as to how we chose to live with "less than we deserve". To some it may be ALONE, but to others it may be to tolerate & adjust to sick people. In my soul searching, I know that I do NOT want to live alone. Not a matter of "loving myself" or anything like that......it's a personal choice, I just do NOT enjoy single living, no if's and's or but's about it. I saved my house from forclosure 4 years ago, everyone told me how "happy" I was going to be as an "independant woman"........beeen there, done that, and defiantely NOT happy. My 25 year old daughter said to me the other day......"Mom, people envy you, with this house, your jobs, etc"......well, although I AM very thankful & greatful for what I have, **I** ENVY those with soulmates in their lives. I would give up everything I have, live in a tent, for a soulmate to share life with.
There is alot that I have to take into consideration here. I love the man with all my heart......dispite his drinking, he encourages me when I'm sad, laughs with me, talks with me, watches Dean Martin with me (most guys cringe at the idea), and takes care of things around the house which I am unable to do myself, and can't afford to pay somebody to do. Yes he has A issues, but I already mentioned that I didn't understand what to do & therefore did things ALL wrong, and broke his already damaged spirit even more!! I'm not making excuses, but HONESTLY now that I have found Alon-On, I realize how much damage **I** did to the relationship....I am accepting responsibilty for what **I ** did.....and I REALLY WANT to try undoing some of that. It's like my eyes are wide open now, and I SEE this desease so much differently. I DID unknowingly try to manipulate his "recovery", and now see that this was ALL WRONG.....and willing to accept him as he is, rather than to be apart, me in this extreme emotional state, and watch him crumble alone, which is bound to happen....just a matter of time. He's 52 years old, already has health problems because of drinking. I read here, can't remember who it was, but their SO died, holding a bottle in his hand. I pictured my ABF ending up this way......I know I have no control, it isn't my responsibility, but reading that just broke my HEART, because I picture my ABF the same way....and he doesn't deserve that. His life has been a living Hell, bad childhood, bad accident that left him permanantly facially scarred (he would call himself Scarface), all his teenage friends died mostly in bar or drug murders.....I just cannot even imagine where MY life would be if I went through all that. Again, I am only HUMAN
At least here he had a warm house, food, and a tv.....from what I last heard, he did not have those things, and it HURTS ME. Heck with all the "He needs to hit bottom on the streets" ....I CANNOT do it. I couldn't do it to a DOG. So what if I'm enabling him.....in a sense HE also enabled ME, by taking care of my yard, car, held me at night, etc. The point is, we ALL need PEOPLE. We all need LOVE, and somebody to believe in them (I think I even read THAT in one of these A books). There isn't an abundance of people in my life wanting to DO THAT right now.
And second, I am extremely close to his mother. She lives in another state, but we talk on the phone almost daily. She is so afraid of what will happen to him. She said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. She has nightmares about him dying. I love HER dearly, so it puts me into a tough spot. There are more people involved than just me & him.
Lastly..........I REALLY love God, and have rather (unusual to some...do I DARE post this?..yikes here come the critics replying.......lol) beliefs that we ARE living in the "last days". I believe God is reaching out to "sheeplike" people right now. Many of my religious friends have mentioned that this guy was sent to me to TRY to help him. It WAS kinda odd how we met.....I had quit dating, and said that if God wanted somebody in my life, he'd have to send him to my front door....two weeks later, ABF did show up at my front door....he was living across the street and I never knew it. Through our kaotic relationship, I honestly DO feel that I reached him moreso than any other person in his life (okay, call me crazy, but I really believe that.....he really TRIED and opened up to me..I think he was SO CLOSE to facing that warrant/dui....but like I mentioned, I was totally unprepared for dealing with this). SO......in thinking all this through.......I know God knows how lonely I was/am. And I feel that God felt that I had the right heart condition to care for this ABF, who regardless of alcohol (and none of us know how God views this DESEASE).....so we therefore filled a void in each other. I don't KNOW what God has in mind for his recovery, my life, NOT TRYING TO, just trying to figure all this out the best a HUMAN can........OR don't know how soon God will step in, and I am NOT GOD, so can't put words into His mouth as to what REALLY happened etc.......I can just go by my "gut" BUT....I DO think God will take into consideration my compassion, and understand why I chose to take him back even though He may feel that "I deserve more". And regardless of when He steps in.......I'm 50 years old, and life is WAY too short to be "waiting for what I deserve".
Hope this all makes sense.....I'm totally overwhelmed tonight. Honestly, I am so confused, venting, desperate for relief.......and honestly........he hasn't returned my call, so this MAY be all in vain......urgh or LOL.....however one looks at it!!!!! I do appreciate the advise, and only now hope that everyone will pray for me in my decision, for HIM to make the right one, and not to judge whether it is right or wrong.:praying
There is alot that I have to take into consideration here. I love the man with all my heart......dispite his drinking, he encourages me when I'm sad, laughs with me, talks with me, watches Dean Martin with me (most guys cringe at the idea), and takes care of things around the house which I am unable to do myself, and can't afford to pay somebody to do. Yes he has A issues, but I already mentioned that I didn't understand what to do & therefore did things ALL wrong, and broke his already damaged spirit even more!! I'm not making excuses, but HONESTLY now that I have found Alon-On, I realize how much damage **I** did to the relationship....I am accepting responsibilty for what **I ** did.....and I REALLY WANT to try undoing some of that. It's like my eyes are wide open now, and I SEE this desease so much differently. I DID unknowingly try to manipulate his "recovery", and now see that this was ALL WRONG.....and willing to accept him as he is, rather than to be apart, me in this extreme emotional state, and watch him crumble alone, which is bound to happen....just a matter of time. He's 52 years old, already has health problems because of drinking. I read here, can't remember who it was, but their SO died, holding a bottle in his hand. I pictured my ABF ending up this way......I know I have no control, it isn't my responsibility, but reading that just broke my HEART, because I picture my ABF the same way....and he doesn't deserve that. His life has been a living Hell, bad childhood, bad accident that left him permanantly facially scarred (he would call himself Scarface), all his teenage friends died mostly in bar or drug murders.....I just cannot even imagine where MY life would be if I went through all that. Again, I am only HUMAN
At least here he had a warm house, food, and a tv.....from what I last heard, he did not have those things, and it HURTS ME. Heck with all the "He needs to hit bottom on the streets" ....I CANNOT do it. I couldn't do it to a DOG. So what if I'm enabling him.....in a sense HE also enabled ME, by taking care of my yard, car, held me at night, etc. The point is, we ALL need PEOPLE. We all need LOVE, and somebody to believe in them (I think I even read THAT in one of these A books). There isn't an abundance of people in my life wanting to DO THAT right now.And second, I am extremely close to his mother. She lives in another state, but we talk on the phone almost daily. She is so afraid of what will happen to him. She said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. She has nightmares about him dying. I love HER dearly, so it puts me into a tough spot. There are more people involved than just me & him.
Lastly..........I REALLY love God, and have rather (unusual to some...do I DARE post this?..yikes here come the critics replying.......lol) beliefs that we ARE living in the "last days". I believe God is reaching out to "sheeplike" people right now. Many of my religious friends have mentioned that this guy was sent to me to TRY to help him. It WAS kinda odd how we met.....I had quit dating, and said that if God wanted somebody in my life, he'd have to send him to my front door....two weeks later, ABF did show up at my front door....he was living across the street and I never knew it. Through our kaotic relationship, I honestly DO feel that I reached him moreso than any other person in his life (okay, call me crazy, but I really believe that.....he really TRIED and opened up to me..I think he was SO CLOSE to facing that warrant/dui....but like I mentioned, I was totally unprepared for dealing with this). SO......in thinking all this through.......I know God knows how lonely I was/am. And I feel that God felt that I had the right heart condition to care for this ABF, who regardless of alcohol (and none of us know how God views this DESEASE).....so we therefore filled a void in each other. I don't KNOW what God has in mind for his recovery, my life, NOT TRYING TO, just trying to figure all this out the best a HUMAN can........OR don't know how soon God will step in, and I am NOT GOD, so can't put words into His mouth as to what REALLY happened etc.......I can just go by my "gut" BUT....I DO think God will take into consideration my compassion, and understand why I chose to take him back even though He may feel that "I deserve more". And regardless of when He steps in.......I'm 50 years old, and life is WAY too short to be "waiting for what I deserve".
Hope this all makes sense.....I'm totally overwhelmed tonight. Honestly, I am so confused, venting, desperate for relief.......and honestly........he hasn't returned my call, so this MAY be all in vain......urgh or LOL.....however one looks at it!!!!! I do appreciate the advise, and only now hope that everyone will pray for me in my decision, for HIM to make the right one, and not to judge whether it is right or wrong.:praying
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by anubus
I know God knows how lonely I was/am.
I feel God felt that I had the right heart condition to care for this ABF,
don't know how soon God will step in,
I am NOT GOD, so can't put words into His mouth
BUT....I DO think God will take into consideration my compassion
He may feel that "I deserve more".
regardless of when He steps in.......I'm 50 years old, and life is WAY too short to be "waiting for what I deserve".
praying
I have a different viewpoint on how it all works, and i will not go into that viewpoint here, but it has been said that if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. (or what you deserve, and on what schedule..)
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
