Just crashed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Just crashed
Oh heaven help me! I was doing so good this morning. Spoke to my soon to be ex AH and all the anger came out. He went on about it not being necessary to be angry or rude to him on the phone. All I did was tell him that I would drop off the things he wanted to my girlfriends place. He was so frigging polite and calm on the phone while me, I lost it.
I ended up emailing him and telling him in writing what I was picking up and what I was leaving. I also told him that as far as being angry or being rude to him, I believe I have that right. And that he has given me even more reasons for this and perhaps I should be grateful for the evidence.
Now why is all this stuff bubbling up now? If I look deep inside of myself there is still a part of me that is angry at him for deceiving me, not standing up for himself and me, not fighting to get control of our relationship and make it better.
A small part of me still wants him. Why would I want that madness? I'm just as nuts as him. I have all this positive stuff going on right now, huge circle of supportive friends, a new home, a great job, more money in the bank than I ever have. Man or man, I should be giving myself a quick kick in the butt.
Why the magnet pulling me towards him. My mind is saying run run run and my heart is just thumping. I need to calm down.
Have you guys gone thru this? How did you cope? Please, any help.
I ended up emailing him and telling him in writing what I was picking up and what I was leaving. I also told him that as far as being angry or being rude to him, I believe I have that right. And that he has given me even more reasons for this and perhaps I should be grateful for the evidence.
Now why is all this stuff bubbling up now? If I look deep inside of myself there is still a part of me that is angry at him for deceiving me, not standing up for himself and me, not fighting to get control of our relationship and make it better.
A small part of me still wants him. Why would I want that madness? I'm just as nuts as him. I have all this positive stuff going on right now, huge circle of supportive friends, a new home, a great job, more money in the bank than I ever have. Man or man, I should be giving myself a quick kick in the butt.
Why the magnet pulling me towards him. My mind is saying run run run and my heart is just thumping. I need to calm down.
Have you guys gone thru this? How did you cope? Please, any help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
hi kingston--
Why the magnet pulling me towards him. My mind is saying run run run and my heart is just thumping. I need to calm down.
it's amazing- what you're describing- if you replaced his name with a DOC you'd sound just like an addict!
AlAnon taught me that when I was in a panic and felt like I needed to react or do something different - to do nothing.
To slow it down. Take the urge to go back to my codie ways one minute at a time if I had to.
Breaking up is so hard to do. With the added dynamic of codie/addict it does often feature these intense moments of doubting and denial.
You might have felt a backlash of guilt after showing your anger because that is new behavior for you. If you spent years with someone stuffing your angry responses and holding back your rage even as that person betrayed your trust then that is what you set as "normal" for yourself. Now you're displaying your anger and it feels uncomfortable and makes your brain (which evolves slowly!!) yearn for the familiar and the "old normal."
Be gentle with yourself-- and try to keep forward motion. When you feel nostalgic just remember to play the tape all the way through - don't just watch the "happy highlights" reel in your head!!
Peace & easy does it!
B.
Why the magnet pulling me towards him. My mind is saying run run run and my heart is just thumping. I need to calm down.
it's amazing- what you're describing- if you replaced his name with a DOC you'd sound just like an addict!
AlAnon taught me that when I was in a panic and felt like I needed to react or do something different - to do nothing.
To slow it down. Take the urge to go back to my codie ways one minute at a time if I had to.
Breaking up is so hard to do. With the added dynamic of codie/addict it does often feature these intense moments of doubting and denial.
You might have felt a backlash of guilt after showing your anger because that is new behavior for you. If you spent years with someone stuffing your angry responses and holding back your rage even as that person betrayed your trust then that is what you set as "normal" for yourself. Now you're displaying your anger and it feels uncomfortable and makes your brain (which evolves slowly!!) yearn for the familiar and the "old normal."
Be gentle with yourself-- and try to keep forward motion. When you feel nostalgic just remember to play the tape all the way through - don't just watch the "happy highlights" reel in your head!!
Peace & easy does it!
B.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: liverpool uk
Posts: 198
am prob talkin out of turn but if ur ex was happy to see u as a drinker then u REALLY need to keep him out of ur life-if he was a stable influence then i dont know-you dont need any more to deal with right now-unless he can help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
I know that as recovering CODIE I'm just as addicted to my AH as he is to booze.
The difference is I'm working on my recovery while he is not. I've left the toxic relationship and moving on. Alanon is helping.
Joey, I'm not a drinker so I'm a bit confused re your comments.
The difference is I'm working on my recovery while he is not. I've left the toxic relationship and moving on. Alanon is helping.
Joey, I'm not a drinker so I'm a bit confused re your comments.
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