Reddmax

Okay all, I've made a lot of progress in my journey out of this mess. I do have one question. In your experience, is it common for the alcoholic to fall apart quickly while you watch? The AW is getting more and more bizarre as time goes by.

Redd

respektingme

That's understandable. Nothing changes unless you change it. So you're changing things, and your situation is changing. Unfortunately, it would have been great if she used this time to get a grip and start working to fix her issues rather than to continue feeding them. But that's not your problem anymore. You're taking care of you and that's your job.

GiveLove

She's losing her enabler, Red. She can feel it - she's losing the person who cleaned up her messes, took her abuse, and wiped her *** for so long, and that's uncomfortable. She's going to have to take responsibility for her actions and her choices, and no alcoholic likes that. Yes, I've been through it. You just keep walking, and in your heart hope that some day they'll find their way.

miss communicat

In AA we recite the A,B, C's of recovery in each meeting.
They are that we in AA have come to believe that:

A. Our drinking lives had become unmanageable
B. No human power could have relieved us of our alcoholism
C. God (Higher Power) could and would if we asked Him/it.

Now, active alcoholics (and even newly sober ones for that matter) who still believe that they are in charge, in control of and have to have the upper hand in every situation of their lives will resort to the so-called "human powers" when faced with unmanageability. The human powers that many addicts or A's will resort to are:

A. Control
B. Manipulation
C. Denial

Each one of those 3 types of power strategies represents an unravelling of sorts, and there is a broad spectrum of severity, ranging from charming to outright bizarre to criminally insane and dangerous.

Control: Your wife may declare that she is controlling her alcohol consumption. She may even go to counseling. She may resist going to AA, however, because control is what she wants, carte blanche to keep drinking, not surrender. Failing then, to stay off the booze, she will likely turn to controlling other things (you or her children or the animals). During this time, she may excel at work, thereby proving she is functional (and "in control" over alcohol).
You may be confused by the seeming contradiction and the carrot of hope she dangles before you. That is her aim, to confuse and unbalance you.

Manipulation: It certainly sounds like your wife knows many ways to manipulate the people, places and things in her world. One face she uses is charming and seductive. Another face is frightening and intimidating, psychopathic almost. Another is shaming, condescending and emotional coersion.
You are being manipulated if you are afraid to speak or act freely and openly at all times. It is part of the landscape of toxic relationship.
But you always have the power to disengage.

Denial: Like a great martial artist who skillfully knows exactly how to use his opponents weight and aggression to his own advantage, your wife or any untreated alcoholic for that matter, gets a lot of mileage out of the denial of their partners.
Your denial has so far kept you in her drinking, lying, cheating game. Her own denial is impenetrable at this point, and it will take much more than a few sessions with a therapist to fully break through it, especially as long as alcohol remains an option for her.

So, yes redd. In answer to your question about anyone elses partners having meltdowns, breakdowns etc during the deconstruction of the insane asylum that an alcoholic marriage certainly becomes, yes.

AW may feel there are really only 3 options: destroy self, destroy others, destroy property.
Frankly, its that or, surrender, and turn the alcohol problem over to her higher power.

You do NOT have to watch the falling apart, however. In fact, it is inherently healthy for you to continue to heal yourself and keep from watching her go down.

Silverberry1331

Hi Redd,

I am really sorry that this is difficult for you. Everyone here has offered so much great advice regarding this situation. It is true about the manipulation and control...

You and I are in a similar boat where we are both in the process of getting out. My AH is also displaying odd behavior. He is the one that has to leave our house rather than vice versa. He has until the end of the month to leave. He has been in complete denial and deep depression...constantly threatening to harm himself. One minute he tries to be loving and the very next minute he is withdrawn...followed by bouts of irritation and frosty silences. He says these outlandish lies. Like yesterday I came home mid afternoon and he wasn't home and out for hours (out drinking with the OW, I assume). He came home and asked what time I came home, and I told him...so he knew that I knew he was gone for hours. This morning, when I left, since we are having a tropical storm, I said to drive carefully, and very mournfully he replied, "I never leave the house."

I also feel the same helplessness and pain to see this disintergration in our relationship and in a person who I know could be much more if he tried. I think that is partly because our previous behavior has been to rescue, and other is because we loved that person (and we are processing the loss). In the end, we have to stay strong....you are doing the right thing...I am praying for you. You are going to make it.

hadenoughnow

They start to lose it when they realize they are going to lose their enabler. My ex really started to come unhinged too.