Wondering Why - First Post
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2
Wondering Why - First Post
I hope I am posting in the right section. I am seperated from my alcoholic husband. I left him 6 months ago with our now 8 month old son. I just up and left him in the middle of the night and got on a plane to come stay with my parents. I knew he drank before we got married, I knew he had issues, however I was blindsided into believing he was telling me the truth about things. He always had a temper and it flared up bad to the point he ended up in jail. I left him there for 5 days, finally bailed him out by putting my car up and refused to testify in court because he promised not to do it again.
He didn't hurt me again physically because I got pregnant, but he kept drinking and promising to quit. He was either drunk or hungover, there was nothing in between. We never had any money but he always managed to find money for alcohol. Sometimes he would pay for it in pennies. I worked, he drank. If I said a word about it he would flip out. I thought things would change after the baby was born. It didn't. He showed up to pick us up from the hospital completely drunk and passed out in my hospital bed to sleep it off. I was humiliated.
He promised again. I went to work when my son was 7 weeks old. I can home, driving at about 85 mph a few hours later as he had gotten drunk while he was supposed to be taking care of an infant. I was mortified. I refused to work again until he got help as I couldn't trust him. He proceeded to get so drunk and uncontrollable I had to call the police (not the first time) and have him removed. I left a few days later when I could arrange for a plane ticket. I had to leave behind my car, my cat and my belongings but it was an easy choice.
When I left him he said it was a wake up call to him as he had lost custody of his other two children from a previous marriage because of his drinking. He promised to get sober as soon as he got to his mom's in CA. He continued to drink, 2 or three days straight until he got too sick to drink anymore. He would stay sober until he felt better enough to drink again. He finally landed in the hospital with alcohol posioning. He said he had had enough. We started talking civilly again about once a week and I thought he was staying sober.
But he called me so little because of his drinking binges. He calls me on occasion from blocked numbers sober, but he calls my family drunk. I just found that out yesterday. He isn't sober and he is still lying to me. I don't know where he is living now. I know he is sick and part of me thinks he wants to drink until he dies. But I just don't understand. I know I don't love him anymore, that ended a long time ago, but he is now suffering severe medical issues due to his drinking....and my family says he needs to hit bottom...but he has lost two marriages, three kids, his freedom (he has warrants out for him), jobs, credit, homes.....he has nothing else to lose, so why?
I am in so much pain as I know my son will probably never meet his father. I hurt because I know my husband is ill and I cannot help. I feel like it is my fault that maybe if I had stayed he would be okay. Maybe if I had done something different. But I was tired of getting literally spit on and yelled at...tired of worrying he would hurt my son. I mean, I could have cared less if he hurt ME physically, but I would never have been able to live with myself if he had done something to hurt my son.
I know this is a long post but I feel so alone. I feel angry at his lack of self control and angry at myself for buying all of the lies. I feel stupid that I still worry about him and I hate what he has done to me.
I am so sorry this is so long. It just feels good to get it out and I thought maybe someone may relate or be able to point me in the right direction.
Thank you.
~ StarryEyed
He didn't hurt me again physically because I got pregnant, but he kept drinking and promising to quit. He was either drunk or hungover, there was nothing in between. We never had any money but he always managed to find money for alcohol. Sometimes he would pay for it in pennies. I worked, he drank. If I said a word about it he would flip out. I thought things would change after the baby was born. It didn't. He showed up to pick us up from the hospital completely drunk and passed out in my hospital bed to sleep it off. I was humiliated.
He promised again. I went to work when my son was 7 weeks old. I can home, driving at about 85 mph a few hours later as he had gotten drunk while he was supposed to be taking care of an infant. I was mortified. I refused to work again until he got help as I couldn't trust him. He proceeded to get so drunk and uncontrollable I had to call the police (not the first time) and have him removed. I left a few days later when I could arrange for a plane ticket. I had to leave behind my car, my cat and my belongings but it was an easy choice.
When I left him he said it was a wake up call to him as he had lost custody of his other two children from a previous marriage because of his drinking. He promised to get sober as soon as he got to his mom's in CA. He continued to drink, 2 or three days straight until he got too sick to drink anymore. He would stay sober until he felt better enough to drink again. He finally landed in the hospital with alcohol posioning. He said he had had enough. We started talking civilly again about once a week and I thought he was staying sober.
But he called me so little because of his drinking binges. He calls me on occasion from blocked numbers sober, but he calls my family drunk. I just found that out yesterday. He isn't sober and he is still lying to me. I don't know where he is living now. I know he is sick and part of me thinks he wants to drink until he dies. But I just don't understand. I know I don't love him anymore, that ended a long time ago, but he is now suffering severe medical issues due to his drinking....and my family says he needs to hit bottom...but he has lost two marriages, three kids, his freedom (he has warrants out for him), jobs, credit, homes.....he has nothing else to lose, so why?
I am in so much pain as I know my son will probably never meet his father. I hurt because I know my husband is ill and I cannot help. I feel like it is my fault that maybe if I had stayed he would be okay. Maybe if I had done something different. But I was tired of getting literally spit on and yelled at...tired of worrying he would hurt my son. I mean, I could have cared less if he hurt ME physically, but I would never have been able to live with myself if he had done something to hurt my son.
I know this is a long post but I feel so alone. I feel angry at his lack of self control and angry at myself for buying all of the lies. I feel stupid that I still worry about him and I hate what he has done to me.
I am so sorry this is so long. It just feels good to get it out and I thought maybe someone may relate or be able to point me in the right direction.
Thank you.
~ StarryEyed
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I am sorry you are in pain. But I am so glad to read that you had the good sense to remove yourself from an unsafe situation!
You didn't cause his drinking or make it worse. Just from his history that you posted you can see his problems are his problems. He is an adult responsibile for his choies and behaviors. You didn't cause it, you can't change it and your can't cure it. Only he can do that.
Keep reading and posting. You can find a lot of supprot in here.
You didn't cause his drinking or make it worse. Just from his history that you posted you can see his problems are his problems. He is an adult responsibile for his choies and behaviors. You didn't cause it, you can't change it and your can't cure it. Only he can do that.
Keep reading and posting. You can find a lot of supprot in here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya Starry-
So sorry for your painful relationship to this man....but you sound like a strong woman!! Bravo for getting out and doing whatever it took for you to get safe for you and your baby. Seriously. You must have a lot of strength!
he has nothing else to lose, so why?
The bottom that alcoholics hit before they get into recovery is different for everyone. My father - after all the hell, insanity, negative legal, career, and marriage and family ramifications of his drinking being obvious for SO LONG -- the day he called a person from AA and began his road to recovery was just another ordinary hungover day. We never would have predicted it would happen then. He met people in AA who lost everything, who killed their best friends in DUI's, and they still kept drinking!!! So he always told us never to compare. What gets a person motivated to change and recover is completely personal and individual and often surprising. And of course some people choose to NOT change and not stop drinking.
You might still be holding onto some resentment over the way he treated you, and over the fact that now you have to do the single parent thing etc. Here's a great thread that was posted here a while ago.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sentments.html
I bet if you do a search on these forums for "resentment" you'll come up with a lot of good stuff...
Good luck-- keep posting-- keep reading here- the SR community has so much support to offer - so many different experiences people have lived - collectively we've seen it all! You're not alone!
Peace,
B.
So sorry for your painful relationship to this man....but you sound like a strong woman!! Bravo for getting out and doing whatever it took for you to get safe for you and your baby. Seriously. You must have a lot of strength!
he has nothing else to lose, so why?
The bottom that alcoholics hit before they get into recovery is different for everyone. My father - after all the hell, insanity, negative legal, career, and marriage and family ramifications of his drinking being obvious for SO LONG -- the day he called a person from AA and began his road to recovery was just another ordinary hungover day. We never would have predicted it would happen then. He met people in AA who lost everything, who killed their best friends in DUI's, and they still kept drinking!!! So he always told us never to compare. What gets a person motivated to change and recover is completely personal and individual and often surprising. And of course some people choose to NOT change and not stop drinking.
You might still be holding onto some resentment over the way he treated you, and over the fact that now you have to do the single parent thing etc. Here's a great thread that was posted here a while ago.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sentments.html
I bet if you do a search on these forums for "resentment" you'll come up with a lot of good stuff...
Good luck-- keep posting-- keep reading here- the SR community has so much support to offer - so many different experiences people have lived - collectively we've seen it all! You're not alone!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
Wow, Starry, I am so sorry for what you've had to live with and live without for a long time! You are in the right place, and if you travel these posts, you will hear your story with changed details and amazingly difficult choices and consequences all over the place! If you only think one thing: what do I want for my son?, you will have to experience peace for the choice you made and the losses you've endured. the next question is one that you will probably take longer to finally "feel", which is what you deserve and how a child of God should be treated by someone who they've trusted to love them. Your husband's disease made him completely incapable, and that's so painful.
I'm sorry and I will pray for you to find peace and some answers to help you heal and grow. You've done nothing wrong and you will be shown the way. Welcome.
I'm sorry and I will pray for you to find peace and some answers to help you heal and grow. You've done nothing wrong and you will be shown the way. Welcome.
Day, by Day, by Day.....
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: nunya
Posts: 76
Starry Eyed - you have so much to handle. It is hard to do this - thanks for your post. You may want to check into Al-Anon meetings in your area. This will help you to start focusing on you, and it really helps putting the energy that we use towards trying to help the alcoholic into working towards ourselves and being happy.
It sounds like your husband needs a lot of help. Unfortunately, no one can force anyone to get help. This is something they have to find on their own.
Good luck.
It sounds like your husband needs a lot of help. Unfortunately, no one can force anyone to get help. This is something they have to find on their own.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2
Thank you all for you supportive words - I am lucky to have found this place.
(sigh)...it is just really hard sometimes and I feel selfish for feeling this way. I just want things to be 'normal'...whatever that may be. I am going to spend some time reading through the various posts here as there seems to be alot of good info. I also have a few Al-Anon meetings in my area and want to go....just have that old fear in me that 'I won't fit in'.
I just want to be able to breath again.
I could use the prayer! To be honest I have been angry with God as well lately and not sure what to do.
Hugs to all,
SE
(sigh)...it is just really hard sometimes and I feel selfish for feeling this way. I just want things to be 'normal'...whatever that may be. I am going to spend some time reading through the various posts here as there seems to be alot of good info. I also have a few Al-Anon meetings in my area and want to go....just have that old fear in me that 'I won't fit in'.
I just want to be able to breath again.
I could use the prayer! To be honest I have been angry with God as well lately and not sure what to do.
Hugs to all,
SE
Last edited by StarryEyed; 08-20-2008 at 08:03 PM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi Starry and Welcome!
I'm sorry you are in pain, but want to say I admire you made the choice to help yourself and your son. My father is an alcoholic and him not in your son's life will likely be better. Sad, but true.
I was also with an alcoholic not too long ago. He hid his drinking from me for 3 years, then out of the blue started confessing. It's awful to know you have been lied to over and over again. The pain will get better, but please don't be angry with yourself. Your energy will be better spent focusing on creating a healthy life from here for you and your baby.
Keep posting. It helps!!! Also, read the stickies at the top : )
I'm sorry you are in pain, but want to say I admire you made the choice to help yourself and your son. My father is an alcoholic and him not in your son's life will likely be better. Sad, but true.
I was also with an alcoholic not too long ago. He hid his drinking from me for 3 years, then out of the blue started confessing. It's awful to know you have been lied to over and over again. The pain will get better, but please don't be angry with yourself. Your energy will be better spent focusing on creating a healthy life from here for you and your baby.
Keep posting. It helps!!! Also, read the stickies at the top : )
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Welcome Starry!
I know how you feel about thinking about what you could have done different. My AH played a good game for a while. I convinced myself that I would be his fairy princess..his true love...his happiness that he claimed he never had. I spent eight years taking care of everything, literally everything right down to bills, making doctor's appointments, clothed shopping, and paying his child support...I am 31, so I even almost shortchanged my education and career to curtail his needs. It was never enough.
What I soon discovered was that he wasn't sober...merely hiding his drinking. Eventually he couldn't maintain anymore. He was out of work, incurred massive debt, behind on child support, partying with friends, and had another woman on the side. He now is applying for social security and has another addiction to pain pills.
He will be out by the end of the month. I was at a crossroads...I looked down one way and saw my life as a miserable woman always covering and caring for someone who would never give me a day's worth of peace...down the other, I saw a healthy woman who had opportunities to further her education, her career, and a chance for better things. I choice the better road.
You too have chosen the better road for you and your child. In all our rescuing it is easy to feel guilty about putting ourselves first. We sometimes wonder if there was another way, but there isn't. Continue coming back...post, go to Al-Anon, and remember, you are grieving...this is a death of a relationship...these are natural feelings.
We are here for you! MUAH! KISSES!
I know how you feel about thinking about what you could have done different. My AH played a good game for a while. I convinced myself that I would be his fairy princess..his true love...his happiness that he claimed he never had. I spent eight years taking care of everything, literally everything right down to bills, making doctor's appointments, clothed shopping, and paying his child support...I am 31, so I even almost shortchanged my education and career to curtail his needs. It was never enough.
What I soon discovered was that he wasn't sober...merely hiding his drinking. Eventually he couldn't maintain anymore. He was out of work, incurred massive debt, behind on child support, partying with friends, and had another woman on the side. He now is applying for social security and has another addiction to pain pills.
He will be out by the end of the month. I was at a crossroads...I looked down one way and saw my life as a miserable woman always covering and caring for someone who would never give me a day's worth of peace...down the other, I saw a healthy woman who had opportunities to further her education, her career, and a chance for better things. I choice the better road.
You too have chosen the better road for you and your child. In all our rescuing it is easy to feel guilty about putting ourselves first. We sometimes wonder if there was another way, but there isn't. Continue coming back...post, go to Al-Anon, and remember, you are grieving...this is a death of a relationship...these are natural feelings.
We are here for you! MUAH! KISSES!
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