I need help to help my family.

Old 08-18-2008, 12:26 PM
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I need help to help my family.

This is my first time on this site. I found it while searching for answers on the internet. Here is my story.

I am 24 years old with a beautiful 21 month old daughter. I currently live with my mother and stepfather, but will soon be getting married and moving out. My mother was in a car accident 11 years ago. She was in a coma and had multiple brain surgeries following the accident. Miraculously she lived through it and came out almost back to her normal self. She is a second grade teacher. During her recovery time she chatted on the internet alot, as she could not drive and lived with her mother who took care of her. She met a man on the internet and they were married 7 years ago. He moved to our city where he lived with my mom and sister. I lived with my father. I didn't know him very well until I got pregnant at the age of 21 and moved in with my mom and stepdad so I could save my money. I moved to my own place right before my daughter was born. During my pregnancy, while I lived with them, I knew that my stepfather drank, but didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. He smoked like a train which I found to be gross, but it didn't bother me. He and my mom seemed happy enough, and my mom is a good Christian so I knew he must be a good man. Four months ago my daughter and I had to move back in with my mom and stepdad. At this time I realized that my stepfather is an alcoholic. He drinks from dusk til dawn, at home, at work, in the car, non stop. He smells of cigarettes and alcohol all the time. He doesn't talk much. He doesn't DO much. He needs help but my mother just ignores it. She tells me that he is a functioning alcoholic, so its okay. He would never hurt us or her. However, I am moving out, not only due to the fact that I am getting married soon, but also because I do not want my daughter around him. He is always very good to her, but I find it unacceptable that the man she calls PaPa is a drunk and even more unacceptable that my mother makes excuses for it. I plan to tell my mother, some way, that my daughter will not be coming over to stay with them by herself anymore because of his actions. I know that this will hurt her deeply. I have asked her to make him get help, but she thinks he will divorce her. She couldn't make it on her own financially or emotionally. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to cut my mother who loves my daughter so much out of our lives, but it doesn't seem fair to me that she won't make my stepdad get help. Any advice, experiences, etc would be so great. Thanks.
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Old 08-18-2008, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Cricketkdw View Post
I don't want to cut my mother who loves my daughter so much out of our lives, but it doesn't seem fair to me that she won't make my stepdad get help. Any advice, experiences, etc would be so great. Thanks.
What's not fair is putting your mother in a position of responsibility for your stepdad. No one can "make" someone get help, and even if she did, it probably wouldn't do any good because it would be her idea instead of his.

It is completely understandable that you don't want your daughter to be around him, though. So, maybe you can come up with a plan where your daughter can spend time with your mom away from your stepdad.

L
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Old 08-18-2008, 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
What's not fair is putting your mother in a position of responsibility for your stepdad. No one can "make" someone get help, and even if she did, it probably wouldn't do any good because it would be her idea instead of his.

It is completely understandable that you don't want your daughter to be around him, though. So, maybe you can come up with a plan where your daughter can spend time with your mom away from your stepdad.

L
I understand that she can't force him to get help. But she hasn't even mentioned it to him. She won't even acknowledge that there is a problem, and she makes me feel guilty that I would deny her her granddaughter because he is "functioning" so its fine. She is responsible for that. If it was that important to her that she be able to spend time with her granddaughter, don't you think she might at least mention to her husband that there is a problem?
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Old 08-18-2008, 01:23 PM
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She can't make you feel anything unless you give her permission

The only way she can cope with the situation with your stepfather is to be in denial.

Think of a dysfunctional family unit as a baby mobile hanging over a crib. Each piece has its place (family role) and the mobile is perfectly balanced.

If a piece of that mobile (family member) is taken away (establishes boundaries, finds recovery, etc etc etc), the mobile goes all haywire, trying to get back into balance. trying to get that missing piece back.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with establishing healthy boundaries for you and your family.

Just be aware that the mobile will be thrown off balance, and it's up to you whether you want to pick up someone else's emotions or not.

I no longer feel guilty about establishing boundaries in my life/home, but it's taken a lot of practice over and over, and working past the discomfort of standing up for myself because that was a whole new behavior for me in recovery!

Make any sense?
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Old 08-18-2008, 01:57 PM
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When my children were very young, I did not allow my parents to see them alone, no babysitting because, as I told them, I would not leave my sons with a couple of drunks. That was my boundary. It was never violated. I did it to protect my sons.

You cannot control anyone but yourself. If your mother chooses to cope with her life by not talking about the elephant in the room, that is her choice. You cannot, and IMO should not try, to make her take a choice that you think is the right one. You are all adults here. Perhaps in time your mom or your step father will choose to deal with the sutation. Perhaps not. But that is not yours to control.
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