11d

I haven't written in a few weeks, taking time to detach and to think. I need prayers to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. RAH talking about leaving. He continues with depression. Physician added cymbalta to the welbrutrin. Says his physician, therapist and sponsor say that his depression may be from his environment. I have been asking for marriage counciling, but he felt that he needed to fix himself before he can fix us. I went to see his therapist last week. SHe pointed out we needed counsiling to repair the trust and communication problems we have. I agreed. Today We will meet with her again. I have another therapist just for me along with that. I have told RAH that I wanted to exhaust all avenues before I can accept legal seperation. I am having a hard time with that. I feel as though his addiction and recovery is still too new. HE has been home 8 months. He still says he doesn't know what he wants. I have done alot of praying and soul searching. It is in God's hands. It is his will, not mine that will be done. I am trying to focus on myself and understanding what His will is. I am not going to fight it. That is my problem. I must accept what I cannot change, and know how to change what I can and I pray for that wisdom to know the difference between the 2. Hopefully, today at 330 I will hear what GOd is asking of me. And I can only pray that I can have the strength to accept it. Please pray for me and my 3kids that are caught up in this disease called addiction.

Impurrfect

Hugs and prayers coming your way.

Amy

rozied

Lots of hugs, love, and prayers being sent your way. Its not easy that I know.

Callie

Hugs and prayers from me too. You know the first time my AH went through rehab I thought "that" will be the answer. Just as your ah, mine sunk into a deep depression, nothing was helping, he didn't help with anything around the house. I resented him for this, but understood that his entire body had becomed programmed to function with drugs and it just didn't know how without drugs. AH didn't last long before he returned to drugs, but I was very naieve in thinking that his recovery or his being clean was the answer to all of our problems.

Even now, I'm just now realizing that I'm sick too. My addiction to him and trying to fix him, change him etc. "If only I can get him clean." I've done that multiple times in the past, but it doesn't matter or last long if it's only for me.

I completely understand where you are. My thinking is "do I want to spend the rest of my life waiting, hoping, praying or working on him?" I want to be happy, I want to smile again, laugh again, believe again, trust again, hope again. I deserve some peace and happiness at some point with or without him. My kids deserve a mom that is fully there. Not partially there and going through the motions.

Just rambling I guess, but I understand what you're going through. Like the old codie phrase goes "you wake up in the morning and ask your partner - how is my day going to be today?" All of the focus on them instead of us. It's a sad way to live, but when you live it for so long it becomes second nature. Seems there are alot of threads going on right now here about completely detaching for good. Staying or leaving for good. It's a hard thing to completely shut the door forever. Maybe all of us in this stage of detaching should start a single thread and just rant, rave and ramble.

Chino

Have you asked your HP what you need for yourself?

I'm praying that you are guided towards your needs and serenity.