newby needing help

Old 08-18-2008, 08:53 AM
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newby needing help

Hi all:
I posted another message and I can't find it, so I guess it didn't take. So here goes again

My husbands family are ALL alcoholics. My husband and I are not, never have been. But these other people are making us miserable. I could write a book on all the stuff they have done over the years. It is what has happened recently that concerns me right now. My husband and his brother both have construction companies. We used to share a shop with him, until he and his girlfriend started meddling with our businss. So we moved to our own shop. We try very hard to stay out of thier way, we don't contact them or have any other business dealings anymore. A couple of weeks ago, we ordered something for the shop and by mistake it was delivered to the brothers place. So the brother called and told us to come pick it up. We employ 9 guys, so we sent one of the guys to go get it. Our guys picked up the order, but left a pallet laying in the yard. The girlfriend ( who is a sever alcoholic)decides that it would be a good idea to call us and tell us off about the mess we made on her property. This is unacceptable and it was all just a mistake. She also left the message on our office phone late Sunday night and said there was no need to leave a name and number, she just wanted us to know she had cleaned up our mess. This is very upsetting to us. She was very sarcastic and her message was as if my husband and I had gone out to thier place intentionally and made the mess just to **** her off. It was noting like that.
Now, I found out from my son that my mother in law is coming to town to visit. This is another situation. My husband has told his mother in simple English to leave us alone. We don't communicate with her in any way, we don't share at Christmas, no Birthday cards, nothing. But no matter what our efforts are to keep her at arms length, she still comes around. Even this visit. She has not told us. My son talks to her, so he told me. My husbands grand mother died a couple of years ago. So also in the last couple of weeks we got an envelope full of pictures of all the aunts and uncles when they were children. The week after that we got a box of old jewelry. All this stuff was supposedly left to us. My husbands mother always finds a way to contact us like this. We are always getting a newpaper article, an obituary something all the time. Most times I just throw them away. But I am at a loss as what to do about her coming to visit. I know you will say it's not my place, but that is where is gets really stupid. Everything that my husbands mother has done or said since I married my husband 33 years ago, has been directed at hurting me. She has even tried to break us up, countless times. So even this visit. If she comes and upsets my husband, then that upsets me, mission accomplished. Then she goes home, happy and leaves us here, mad and frustrated.
My first reaction is to write her a letter, thanking her for the jewelry, but then add a second paragraph, telling her that if she comes anywhere near us while she is here, I will have a restraining order waiting and that she will be lead away by police escort. Harsh I know. But this is what it has come to. Why do we have to just sit here, take her nast comments and put up with her being here when we have told her, LEAVE US ALONE!! She can visit with the alcoholic brother and girl friend, but just stay away from us. If I do write the letter, then that just adds one more reason to her list of why I am so horrible(in her opinion). So what do I do. I (we) don't want her here, I don't want to watch my husband get madder and madder. We are extremely busy this time of year with our business, we don't have time for this interuption.
HELP!
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Old 08-18-2008, 09:21 AM
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Welcome normalita,

I do not have experience in dealing w/what sounds like a very nasty family situation. I just wanted to welcome you here and am sure others with be along shortly with some experience, strength & hope (E S & H.)

Just a few thoughts I had:
Sounds like the mis-delivered order was all just a bad mix up, I wouldn't waste any more of your time stressing over it. Remind workers that any time they have to go to the brother's place of business to leave things cleaner than what they found it and put the rest of it out of your mind.

As for the M-I-L, won't she stay with the brother? You may know about the visit, but it doesn't have to concern you.

You could write "return to sender" on future letters from her.

Good luck and I'm glad you found a place to vent some of your frustration.
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Old 08-18-2008, 10:02 AM
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You and your husband don't have to accept mail, phone calls, etc from people you choose not to be in touch with. I like the suggestion to return the mail unopened. As for the visit, you don't have to visit with anyone you don't want to. Heck even if they show up at your door, you don't have to open it. And if hey won't leave you do have the option to call the police.

It must be hard to be in such a dysfunctional family. But you can set boundaries and decide what actions you and your husband will take if those boundaries are crossed.
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Old 08-18-2008, 10:06 AM
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Normalita

I am sorry you are going thru this.
My suggestion would be instead of you writing the letter, it might be better if your husband wrote it and he was the on that got the restraining order. She will still be mad, thinking you put him up to it, but at least you won't be the one to signing the letter or filing the papers. Just a thought.
Hope it all goes well for you. My prayers will be with you during this stressful time.
Barb
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Old 08-18-2008, 02:56 PM
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newby still needing help

Thanks everyone for sending you good wishes. However I guess I didn't explain myself very well.
It doesn't matter if we tell my mil don't come or you are not welcome, she will show up anyway and say she never got our message. My husband has talked to his mother on the phone and told her, plainly, LEAVE ME ALONE. She is still coming to visit. You say it has nothing to do with us......Oh, but it does. She will do everything in her power to make sure she sees us and when she does, she will run us down, say nasty things and just be as horrible as she can be, then if we say anything, we are mean and play the victom. The other part is, I want to stop this before it even gets to my husband. I am so tired of watching him be mad and sit and be upset. He is a great guy don't get me wrong, but when he gets upset and his mother is so good at punching his buttons, that he turns into an entirely different person. I don't want this to happen, it's time for this garbage to be over. I have held my tongue on how I feel about all the stuff she has pulled over the years, I am thinking it is time to let it out. Like a said in the other post, this is a personal fight she has caused between her and I. She hates me, she always has, I have done nothing to her and I have said nothing, just to keep the peice. But I am too old now and my mil will pass on and I have the rest of my life to live. She needs to stop.
I need someone who knows about alcoholics, I need some suggestions. I really don't want to act on my emotions and make things worse. But I do want to get my point across. If I acted on my emotions, the letter I want to write would be in the mail already.

Thanks again
Norma
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Old 08-18-2008, 03:13 PM
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You have the option to call the police on anyone who shows up at your home or business for at least tresspassing if not harrssment. You do not have to tolerate her bad behavior.

All of us in here know about life with alcoholics. That's why we're here unfortunately.
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Old 08-18-2008, 03:25 PM
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Hey Norma--

I need someone who knows about alcoholics,
Well then you are definietly in the right place!! That describes all of us!

From my experience there is not much more to do than
a. set up the boundary of no contact. which it sounds like you have.
b. refuse to answer the door if she shows up, or plan a getaway that coincides with her "visit" dates.
c. get a restraining order to prevent her from coming within 300 yards (or whatever) of your family. if she defies the restraining order call the cops.

I mean, what other options are there if you do not want to have any contact w/ this person? There are people (alcoholics or not) who refuse to get the message and so all you can do is enforce your boundaries.

I think the harder part is setting/enforcing boundaries without it making YOU upset and angry and crazy. Once you've decided how you will enforce your boundary, if you can "let it go" it will help you maintain your own serenity...because now you have a plan of action. If X happens then I will do Z. End of anxiety.

Good Luck--
B.
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Old 08-18-2008, 05:21 PM
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You have been putting up with this for a long time. If it was your son who told you she was coming I would just leave it at that. If she doesnt let you know herself she is coming act as though nothing is happening. If she turns up dont answer the door. Returning mail was a good one. Keep your distance with no contact is my thoughts. That way she might eventually get the message. Id do the same with other family members too. I think it is great that your hubby is on your team too.
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Old 08-19-2008, 12:54 PM
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Thanks guys for the reply. It helps more than you know. I thought about this in the night last night and justo is the closest. I thought about acting like I don't know she's coming. Because in all actuallity I don't know she's coming. When she shows up to our house or business and gets in my husband's face, then he can let her have it. It will be a shock, but that might be the best medicine. Since my son told me and I do know she is coming I don't like keeping something like this from my husband. But since mommy in law doesn't get the message, maybe a little rage would work. Then I am not in the middle of it. I can just stand there and be supportive of my husband and she gets what she deserves. I will have to think on this some more, but I like the shock therapy approach.

Thanks again everyone.
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