Opposing family views on a recovering alcoholic father
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
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Opposing family views on a recovering alcoholic father
Hi All,
So I am looking for a bit of perspective on a family situation that I am right smack dab in the middle of. Here is the background. My father is an alcoholic which we just discovered a year ago after he nearly died from cirrhosis. This was shocking to everyone in my family. He apparently has been a functioning alcoholic for 30+ years and no one knew. That being said, my sister’s and I had a normal happy childhood and my parents have been married for almost 40 years (he has never raised a hand to her). The past 2 years were really rough and dad was acting all kinds of crazy. We thought he was bipolar (which he might be anyway) but the problem was that his liver was giving out and his mind was filling with all kinds of toxins and he was just acting crazy. So the past year has been filled with rehabs and relapses and he basically lost his job (forced to retire early) and was arrested for a DUI. So now both parents are retired and moved to a new state. My mother, bless her, had decided that she is going to stand by her man and support him on his road to sobriety. Which is difficult because some of his nutty antics make it questionable as to whether or not he is staying sober all the time. However, she believes that he is sober and he is trying. My sisters on the other hand about 3 months ago decided to tell my father that he is not allowed to see them or his grandchildren and he is not allowed to come to their houses. They feel that his presence puts their children at risk and that they need to protect their families. They want him to prove that he is sober before they will allow him back into their lives. The problem is that they never seem to believe that he is sober…so when is he going to be able to get back into their lives. Whenever I talk to my sisters they always say they talked to him on the phone for 2 minutes and he was “so drunk”. Most of the time I have talked to him that same day and he did not sound drunk to me (which after the past year I have learned to recognize). They want him back into rehab which insurance will no longer pay for and his last rehab (5 months ago) was only 3 days because he did not need to be detoxed. So to make things worse my sisters keep asking my mom to come and watch the kids but they tell her that they only want her to come and that she can not bring dad. Then when she refuses to come without him, they tear into her and basically tell her that she is a bad mother. This is breaking her heart because she wants to help her daughters out, but she wants to bring dad along and not to mention they both live an hour plus away. So they are in a sense forcing her to choose between them and dad. I am smack dab in the middle of this because to me if my mom wants to stay with and support my father that is her choice and he is welcome at my house. My sister’s say they are doing “tough love” but to me that should be used when someone is drunk not when they are working on recovery. At the same time, if they feel they need to protect their family, I can not question that as I do not have children and can not comprehend it. My father has never done anything to physically hurt anyone. There have been some nasty verbal exchanges but nothing that would send one into a massive explosion of tears. So I guess I am not sure exactly what they are protecting the kids from. I have just had it with my sisters going on and on about how horrible our parents are and how unsupportive mom is of them in their times of need (UGH). I get tear filled calls from all of them (From dad because he is upset at what my sister’s are doing to my mom, Mom because she is wreck over what my sister’s are doing, My sisters because they are upset Mom won’t come watch their kids) and I think I am getting close to snapping. I keep telling them that they all need to get together and have a heart to heart but my sister’s just flat out refuse.
So I am looking for a bit of perspective on a family situation that I am right smack dab in the middle of. Here is the background. My father is an alcoholic which we just discovered a year ago after he nearly died from cirrhosis. This was shocking to everyone in my family. He apparently has been a functioning alcoholic for 30+ years and no one knew. That being said, my sister’s and I had a normal happy childhood and my parents have been married for almost 40 years (he has never raised a hand to her). The past 2 years were really rough and dad was acting all kinds of crazy. We thought he was bipolar (which he might be anyway) but the problem was that his liver was giving out and his mind was filling with all kinds of toxins and he was just acting crazy. So the past year has been filled with rehabs and relapses and he basically lost his job (forced to retire early) and was arrested for a DUI. So now both parents are retired and moved to a new state. My mother, bless her, had decided that she is going to stand by her man and support him on his road to sobriety. Which is difficult because some of his nutty antics make it questionable as to whether or not he is staying sober all the time. However, she believes that he is sober and he is trying. My sisters on the other hand about 3 months ago decided to tell my father that he is not allowed to see them or his grandchildren and he is not allowed to come to their houses. They feel that his presence puts their children at risk and that they need to protect their families. They want him to prove that he is sober before they will allow him back into their lives. The problem is that they never seem to believe that he is sober…so when is he going to be able to get back into their lives. Whenever I talk to my sisters they always say they talked to him on the phone for 2 minutes and he was “so drunk”. Most of the time I have talked to him that same day and he did not sound drunk to me (which after the past year I have learned to recognize). They want him back into rehab which insurance will no longer pay for and his last rehab (5 months ago) was only 3 days because he did not need to be detoxed. So to make things worse my sisters keep asking my mom to come and watch the kids but they tell her that they only want her to come and that she can not bring dad. Then when she refuses to come without him, they tear into her and basically tell her that she is a bad mother. This is breaking her heart because she wants to help her daughters out, but she wants to bring dad along and not to mention they both live an hour plus away. So they are in a sense forcing her to choose between them and dad. I am smack dab in the middle of this because to me if my mom wants to stay with and support my father that is her choice and he is welcome at my house. My sister’s say they are doing “tough love” but to me that should be used when someone is drunk not when they are working on recovery. At the same time, if they feel they need to protect their family, I can not question that as I do not have children and can not comprehend it. My father has never done anything to physically hurt anyone. There have been some nasty verbal exchanges but nothing that would send one into a massive explosion of tears. So I guess I am not sure exactly what they are protecting the kids from. I have just had it with my sisters going on and on about how horrible our parents are and how unsupportive mom is of them in their times of need (UGH). I get tear filled calls from all of them (From dad because he is upset at what my sister’s are doing to my mom, Mom because she is wreck over what my sister’s are doing, My sisters because they are upset Mom won’t come watch their kids) and I think I am getting close to snapping. I keep telling them that they all need to get together and have a heart to heart but my sister’s just flat out refuse.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Can you give al-anon a try? Maybe take your mother with you.
There is no reason for you to be in the middle, the middlewoman with everyone.
You will need to learn boundaries so that your relationships are straightforward and are not a part of the relationships between the others.
Others far more eloquent and experienced will be along soon.
SR is a tremendously wonderful support and learning site. Please feel welcome. You may want to read the stickies at the top of the forum or just feel free to read around.
It is a rotten situation you are in, but you can learn to change your part in it and find some peace.
There is no reason for you to be in the middle, the middlewoman with everyone.
You will need to learn boundaries so that your relationships are straightforward and are not a part of the relationships between the others.
Others far more eloquent and experienced will be along soon.
SR is a tremendously wonderful support and learning site. Please feel welcome. You may want to read the stickies at the top of the forum or just feel free to read around.
It is a rotten situation you are in, but you can learn to change your part in it and find some peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 4
Thank you for your suggestions. I was actually looking up local alanon meetings in my are last night and I would like to attend one this week. I would love to take my mom but she lives a bit too far away but she does attend them regualarly. Thanks again!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
dad in recovery... It can take some time before your sister sees any changes that she may be looking for. 40 years of getting there, may take a little bit of time before any changes are seen *if needed*
In my opinion (based on what you posted), your sister may be using anon style skills for her own selfsih gains. If so...your mom is doing just what she should be doing. Way to go mom.
If your sister is right in what she says...Still...what goes on between mom and dad is mom's and dad's to deal with...sis needs to stay out of it.
You can't change mom and you can't change sis. What you can do... be a silent support for mom and sis will learn what mom wants as mom continues to stand by dad. (or sis will continue to not have a sitter for the children).
In my opinion (based on what you posted), your sister may be using anon style skills for her own selfsih gains. If so...your mom is doing just what she should be doing. Way to go mom.
If your sister is right in what she says...Still...what goes on between mom and dad is mom's and dad's to deal with...sis needs to stay out of it.
You can't change mom and you can't change sis. What you can do... be a silent support for mom and sis will learn what mom wants as mom continues to stand by dad. (or sis will continue to not have a sitter for the children).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
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Thanks for the thoughts. It is just really frustrating because my sisters are basically attacking me by saying that I am being an enabler because I am still talking to my father. They are upset because they feel I am not part of their "united front" in banning dad. I respect their decisions as it is what they feel they need to do. But I don't think it is fair for them to be angry at me because I am not following suite. After reading a bit on enabling I know I am not doing that and I would say I am detached. I have accepted his situation and I know that he is the only one who can change it. I have also accepted my mother's desire to stay with him and support him with recovery. I don't see the harm I am causing by doing this but my sister's are constantly beating me up about it and have now beating up my mother too because she refuses to drop everything leave dad behind and watch their kids as they are in a time of need. My mom is in a time of need too. If my sisters want to continue with their boundaries that is fine but I think they need to leave my mother out of it and stop asking her to choose.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It sounds a bit as if your sisters think they can control things thru their actions. I'm sorry you feel caught in the middle. You want want to set some boundaries with all concerned. You can't control any of the others but you can decide what you want on your end of things.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Oh boy. This is a great example of how alcoholism can impact everyone in the family and create chaos.
The most important thing I gathered from the above posts is that YOU seem to be well centered and your mother is attending Alanon regularly.
To be "in the middle" you have to be actively participating......so the question is.....are you really in the middle? It took me a long time to understand that the relationships that others have belong to them. Anything I did to try to encourage or enhance the relationships between two other people was putting myself in the middle and I didn't belong there. It's unhealthy.
A part of letting go (and letting your HP handle things) is stepping away from the active participation. Recognizing that we don't have the power to change others but we DO have the right to establish our own boundaries. You don't have to "cure" the relationship between your mother, father and sisters. That is their job.
When other people come to me talking about their relationship with my A son, I can listen but I don't have to comment, disagree, advise them, or take that discussion up with my son. One of my HUGE issues (and one that I have to work on every single day) is triangulation. If person A tells me something about person B, I take it upon myself to talk with person B for person A to try to help get things straightened out. I become person C......the other corner of the triangle. Healthy communication is a straight line......not a triangle.
gentle hugs
The most important thing I gathered from the above posts is that YOU seem to be well centered and your mother is attending Alanon regularly.
To be "in the middle" you have to be actively participating......so the question is.....are you really in the middle? It took me a long time to understand that the relationships that others have belong to them. Anything I did to try to encourage or enhance the relationships between two other people was putting myself in the middle and I didn't belong there. It's unhealthy.
A part of letting go (and letting your HP handle things) is stepping away from the active participation. Recognizing that we don't have the power to change others but we DO have the right to establish our own boundaries. You don't have to "cure" the relationship between your mother, father and sisters. That is their job.
When other people come to me talking about their relationship with my A son, I can listen but I don't have to comment, disagree, advise them, or take that discussion up with my son. One of my HUGE issues (and one that I have to work on every single day) is triangulation. If person A tells me something about person B, I take it upon myself to talk with person B for person A to try to help get things straightened out. I become person C......the other corner of the triangle. Healthy communication is a straight line......not a triangle.
gentle hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 4
Really great point about me putting myself in the middle. At first I was not in the middle but then my sister would call in tears and complain and my mom would call in tears and complain. My sister would get mad at me because I would not take a "side" and I would just tell her that she needs to work it out with mom. But that would just anger her more and she would say that she used to be able to confide in me and that now it seems that I rather not deal with any of it. The truth is I am dealing with it my own way and she does not understand that. I also told my mother that they should all get together and talk about the situation. She has asked them to do this but they refuse. So then of course mom calls me upset again since they are not willing to get together and talk. So it would seem that I need to put boundaries in place on all sides.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
VeeBo,
What you describe sounds like an Olympics event..... everybody competing to control the best. Your sisters sound like they are pretty good contenders.
I think there's a problem with people setting boundaries and then bending them for their own gain, or expecting others to change their routines to fit into their boundaries. For instance, your sisters have every right to say they don't want to be around your dad until he gets sober. But they really shouldn't expect to have your mom come watch their kids if they are going to put controls on her also. They should be willing to find their own sitters.
Furthermore, it sounds like they are trying to set boundaries for you by arguing that you shouldn't have anything to do with your father. That's not their concern. One thing I've learned about dealing with people who like to argue is, the only productive thing that can come out of your mouth is nothing. Anything you say whatsoever is merely fuel that keeps the debate going. Doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong. My brother has some topics that he loves to debate or complain about. Finally I realized that our entire conversations seemed to revolve around these issues (political in nature) that he loved to discuss. Well I didn't. But that's all he wanted to talk about. So rather than continue the discussion, I started getting off the phone when he brought the subjects up. Pretty soon, he got the hint.
Likewise, if you excuse yourself from the conversation (i.e., "I gotta run, the repair guy is here") and refuse to discuss your father with them, or at least the argument about whether you should have a relationship or not with him, than they will figure it out eventually and shut up about it. Otherwise, until you do as they see fit, there will always be more arguments to have.
You can't make anyone in your family do anything. Everybody has to do what they see fit. And that includes you doing what you need to do to keep your sanity. I'm finding that words have very little effect anymore. Action seems to be the only thing that really changes anything.
What you describe sounds like an Olympics event..... everybody competing to control the best. Your sisters sound like they are pretty good contenders.
I think there's a problem with people setting boundaries and then bending them for their own gain, or expecting others to change their routines to fit into their boundaries. For instance, your sisters have every right to say they don't want to be around your dad until he gets sober. But they really shouldn't expect to have your mom come watch their kids if they are going to put controls on her also. They should be willing to find their own sitters.
Furthermore, it sounds like they are trying to set boundaries for you by arguing that you shouldn't have anything to do with your father. That's not their concern. One thing I've learned about dealing with people who like to argue is, the only productive thing that can come out of your mouth is nothing. Anything you say whatsoever is merely fuel that keeps the debate going. Doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong. My brother has some topics that he loves to debate or complain about. Finally I realized that our entire conversations seemed to revolve around these issues (political in nature) that he loved to discuss. Well I didn't. But that's all he wanted to talk about. So rather than continue the discussion, I started getting off the phone when he brought the subjects up. Pretty soon, he got the hint.
Likewise, if you excuse yourself from the conversation (i.e., "I gotta run, the repair guy is here") and refuse to discuss your father with them, or at least the argument about whether you should have a relationship or not with him, than they will figure it out eventually and shut up about it. Otherwise, until you do as they see fit, there will always be more arguments to have.
You can't make anyone in your family do anything. Everybody has to do what they see fit. And that includes you doing what you need to do to keep your sanity. I'm finding that words have very little effect anymore. Action seems to be the only thing that really changes anything.
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