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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Prince Frederick, MD
Posts: 72
New member Post
Hello to all: I am the mother of a 22 year old who went to court last Friday for his first DWI and then received another DWI on Wednesday. Yes, that would be 5 days later! I guess he really learned his lesson (pardon the sarcasm).
He was bailed out after 3 days of being in lockdown with hardened criminals- I don't know why he was there but I guess in the "booking" section they just throw everyone in together.
He went directly to rehab where he is now in his 2nd day. Apparently he is not too happy at this point.
I am divorced from his alcoholic Dad and swore I would never deal with this again. My current husband had two alcoholic parents and swore the same thing. So here we are back in the thick of it again.
I have never joined a forum before but I have found reading some of the posts here helpful- especially the ones about detachment. I thought I had that part down cold after dealing with my first husband but I guess not. I find myself spending every waking moment scheming and solving my son's problem. My latest brainstorm: AN ELECTRIC BIKE!! It's the perfect answer! My son could simply plug in, recharge and pedal away to a nearby shopping center, find gainful employment at Safeway and if he was drunk would simply fall over into a ditch! Perfect!! And eco friendly!
As you can see- I am in severe need of a reality check. I will attend Al Alon again but I got very frustrated the last time I went during my first marriage. What a bunch of whiners sitting around reading poetry when all I needed them to do is TELL ME HOW TO MAKE HIM STOP DRINKING. Seems like that would be the one and only "step" necessary, dontcha think???
So if one of you kind people will just tell me how to make my son stop drinking I would appreciate it- if not I guess I'll have to start down that lonely road called Detachment and try to learn from the old timers on this board.
It's so much harder with a child.
He was bailed out after 3 days of being in lockdown with hardened criminals- I don't know why he was there but I guess in the "booking" section they just throw everyone in together.
He went directly to rehab where he is now in his 2nd day. Apparently he is not too happy at this point.
I am divorced from his alcoholic Dad and swore I would never deal with this again. My current husband had two alcoholic parents and swore the same thing. So here we are back in the thick of it again.
I have never joined a forum before but I have found reading some of the posts here helpful- especially the ones about detachment. I thought I had that part down cold after dealing with my first husband but I guess not. I find myself spending every waking moment scheming and solving my son's problem. My latest brainstorm: AN ELECTRIC BIKE!! It's the perfect answer! My son could simply plug in, recharge and pedal away to a nearby shopping center, find gainful employment at Safeway and if he was drunk would simply fall over into a ditch! Perfect!! And eco friendly!
As you can see- I am in severe need of a reality check. I will attend Al Alon again but I got very frustrated the last time I went during my first marriage. What a bunch of whiners sitting around reading poetry when all I needed them to do is TELL ME HOW TO MAKE HIM STOP DRINKING. Seems like that would be the one and only "step" necessary, dontcha think???
So if one of you kind people will just tell me how to make my son stop drinking I would appreciate it- if not I guess I'll have to start down that lonely road called Detachment and try to learn from the old timers on this board.
It's so much harder with a child.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You can't make him stop drinking. As someone on here says...if that were possible none of us would be here.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
I would suggest reading the stickies at the top of this forum.
Hugs,
Live/Tena
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
I would suggest reading the stickies at the top of this forum.
Hugs,
Live/Tena
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Welcome and remember the 3 C's
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Sucks don't it? If we could just control and cure it, they'd be fine and we'd be fine. Heck give any of us codie's a chance and we'd have world peace and end world hunger.
Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
This is from Melodie Beattie's Lanuage of Letting go Journal
"It's one thing to let go of my husband and let him suffer the consequences. But how do I let go of my children? Isn't it different with children? Don't we have responsibilites as parents?
We do have different responsibilities to our children than to other adults. We are financially responsible for our children; we are responsible for providing for thier material and physical needs.
Our children need to be taught how to help themselves-- from tying their shoes to making social plans. They need our love and guidence. They need consistent enforcement of boundries once we've established limits. They need a supportive, nurturing environment in which to grow. They need help learning values.
But we are not responsible for controlling our children. Contrary to popular belief, controlling doesn't work. Discipline and nurturing do- if combined. Shame and guilt interfere with our children's learning and our parenting. We need to respond to our children in a responsible way and hold them accountable for their actions at an age-appropriate level. We need only do our best.
We can let our children have thier own process of living; we can have our own process. And, we can take care of ourselves during that process. Seek balance. Seek wisdom. Seek not to have control, but to own our power as people who are parents."
Like they're always saying on here: Take what you like and leave the rest!
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Sucks don't it? If we could just control and cure it, they'd be fine and we'd be fine. Heck give any of us codie's a chance and we'd have world peace and end world hunger.
Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
This is from Melodie Beattie's Lanuage of Letting go Journal
"It's one thing to let go of my husband and let him suffer the consequences. But how do I let go of my children? Isn't it different with children? Don't we have responsibilites as parents?
We do have different responsibilities to our children than to other adults. We are financially responsible for our children; we are responsible for providing for thier material and physical needs.
Our children need to be taught how to help themselves-- from tying their shoes to making social plans. They need our love and guidence. They need consistent enforcement of boundries once we've established limits. They need a supportive, nurturing environment in which to grow. They need help learning values.
But we are not responsible for controlling our children. Contrary to popular belief, controlling doesn't work. Discipline and nurturing do- if combined. Shame and guilt interfere with our children's learning and our parenting. We need to respond to our children in a responsible way and hold them accountable for their actions at an age-appropriate level. We need only do our best.
We can let our children have thier own process of living; we can have our own process. And, we can take care of ourselves during that process. Seek balance. Seek wisdom. Seek not to have control, but to own our power as people who are parents."
Like they're always saying on here: Take what you like and leave the rest!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Snickers, and welcome to SoberRecovery 
I am so sorry to hear about your son. I am not a parent of an addict, just want to welcome you and let you know that many wise folks who are parents will be here shortly to share their experience. If I may suggest you browse thru our "sticky" posts at the top of this forum, there is a great deal of wonderful information there.
By the way, that "lonely road" of detachment doesn't have to be lonely. We are all here to support you and walk that road with you. We have all walked it with our own loved ones, so you don't have to do it alone this time.
Welcome again
Mike
I am so sorry to hear about your son. I am not a parent of an addict, just want to welcome you and let you know that many wise folks who are parents will be here shortly to share their experience. If I may suggest you browse thru our "sticky" posts at the top of this forum, there is a great deal of wonderful information there.
By the way, that "lonely road" of detachment doesn't have to be lonely. We are all here to support you and walk that road with you. We have all walked it with our own loved ones, so you don't have to do it alone this time.
Welcome again
Mike
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: St. Petersburg, Florida
Posts: 684
I so wished that someone could have told me how to get my husband to stop drinking when I first walked into Al-Anon, but that didn't happen. People listened to me and my situation and lovingly just kept telling me to come back. Boy that was frustrating. I kept going back and continued to learn about this disease and that it was something I could never control or force sobriety on another. That was a hard pill to swallow.
I'm sorry you are going through this with your son... it is painful when it's a spouse but a child is even more heart breaking. I hope you will continue your journey of healing and keep coming back to the boards or where ever you feel you find peace and serenity in your life. Remember that your son has a HP too that is taking care of him even though it might seem that things are dismal for him now... he is right where he is supposed to be. Take heart that you and your son are not alone.
One Day At A Time,
AJ
I'm sorry you are going through this with your son... it is painful when it's a spouse but a child is even more heart breaking. I hope you will continue your journey of healing and keep coming back to the boards or where ever you feel you find peace and serenity in your life. Remember that your son has a HP too that is taking care of him even though it might seem that things are dismal for him now... he is right where he is supposed to be. Take heart that you and your son are not alone.
One Day At A Time,
AJ
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
Snickers, I am so sorry you are going thru this
I am so sorry for you pain and frustration. I have a 19 yr son that has just gone thru what your son has. He had a DUI at 17, did what he had to do, got his license back in March at 18 and it was removed from his record. The following August he got another DUI while speeding, we had just got done with the courts on that one when he got mad at me took off with my van, remember he didn't have his license, he was drunk and also had pot and pipe on him this time. Thank GOD the police didn't give me a ticket for letting him drive or I would have been in more trouble. But I digress, while we were going thru the courts on the second DUI, he got bored and took of in his car, that hasn't gotten sold yet but has no license plates or insurance and got stopped for speeding. Because he was on probation from the original DUI he was also racking up probation violations and more fines. When I bailed him out after his 2nd DUI, I told him no more (famous last words for a mother).
The great part was he voluntarily went into treatment because he finally saw what path his life was heading down and decided to stop the slide himself. He is now 100 days sober and clean. He knows he is facing large fines and probably 5 yrs without his license. he spent a total of 20 days so far in jail, (which probably helped the most, because he definately doesn't want to go back there) and he still has one more court appearence for probation violation.
The moral to my long winded story is, just like my ex-AH, my son had a alcohol and substance abuse problem, but unlike his father, whose path by the way my son refuses to follow, made the choice himself to seek help, I had told him many times he needed it but it wasn't until he chose that it finally worked(I keep praying).
It is a long and hard road but I can tell you, that until I let him start facing the consequence of his actions, he didn't think he needed help. It is hard to seperate from our children, to stop trying to help them and let them fall, but is the best thing for them and us.
I hope this helps in some small way to let you know that you are not alone. There are several of us on here who have kids involved in the same situation your son is.
Take care of yourself and let GOD take care of your son.
Prayers and hugs
Barb
The great part was he voluntarily went into treatment because he finally saw what path his life was heading down and decided to stop the slide himself. He is now 100 days sober and clean. He knows he is facing large fines and probably 5 yrs without his license. he spent a total of 20 days so far in jail, (which probably helped the most, because he definately doesn't want to go back there) and he still has one more court appearence for probation violation.
The moral to my long winded story is, just like my ex-AH, my son had a alcohol and substance abuse problem, but unlike his father, whose path by the way my son refuses to follow, made the choice himself to seek help, I had told him many times he needed it but it wasn't until he chose that it finally worked(I keep praying).
It is a long and hard road but I can tell you, that until I let him start facing the consequence of his actions, he didn't think he needed help. It is hard to seperate from our children, to stop trying to help them and let them fall, but is the best thing for them and us.
I hope this helps in some small way to let you know that you are not alone. There are several of us on here who have kids involved in the same situation your son is.
Take care of yourself and let GOD take care of your son.
Prayers and hugs
Barb
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
I am sorry about all of your troubles, Snickers 008. I can imagine he probably is not too happy at this point, but most alcoholics aren't when you have taken away their solution (alcohol) and they are trying to cope with life on life's terms.
I just wanted to say a word to the wise.... most states have now passed laws stipulating that you can get a DUI if you are riding a bicycle intoxicated on a public road, or even a skateboard. You might want to check with a lawyer to see what MD's law says. In the unfortunate event that your son goes back to drinking again make sure he knows this because three DUI's in a row is needless to say a very, very serious offense in any state.
I just wanted to say a word to the wise.... most states have now passed laws stipulating that you can get a DUI if you are riding a bicycle intoxicated on a public road, or even a skateboard. You might want to check with a lawyer to see what MD's law says. In the unfortunate event that your son goes back to drinking again make sure he knows this because three DUI's in a row is needless to say a very, very serious offense in any state.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by Snickers008 
What a bunch of whiners sitting around reading poetry when all I needed them to do is TELL ME HOW TO MAKE HIM STOP DRINKING. Seems like that would be the one and only "step" necessary, dontcha think???
I poured the booze down the sink.
I hid the bottles.
I watered down the booze.
I had many discussions with him about his drinking.
I left him for three months.
I finally walked out for good and filed for a divorce.
He still drinks.
Al-anon takes our focus off the A in our life and puts our focus on us. I found out that I couldn't stop a drunk from drinking. But like the drunk, my life had become unmanageable. I was too busy trying to get him sober to pay any attention to the fact that I was falling apart at the seams. I was chronically depressed. I was chronically angry. I was chronically frustrated. And he continued to drink.
Perhaps counseling and posting here will better suit you than Al-anon. I hope you'll give Al-anon another try. It is suggested to newcomers that they go to six meetings. If you still don't feel it's your cup of tea, that's fine. Please keep posting. We're here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I really like all the advice you've been given so far, Snickers, and as a mother of an addict son who also has an alcoholic father, I sympathize with YOU and understand well the behaviors of "spinning the wheels" in your mind of how YOU can possibly make HIM stop drinking. It's typical codependent behavior and I encourage you to read up on that topic, although you sound quite healthy to me (I enjoyed your sense of humor!). Just reading the same stories here from parents and spouses and from my own experience, I know to trust what the other members advise, which would be to do the one thing that sounds totally opposite of what we parents THINK we are supposed to do--step away from your son and the problems he is creating for himself and let him be the one to own all his consequences, jail, tickets, rehabs, help-seeking. It is very typical for an immature child-young adult to point the finger at others, even parents, when his life is not great. It is always typical for an alcoholic to deny that his troubles were created by HIM and HIM alone.
I too always thought that I would never have to deal with addiction in my home when I divorced my ex. Sadly, I did round two like you with my son, and am still in that situation. But I trust most of what I read here, especially from the experienced parents on the site, and have found a lot of peace and serenity as a result. How nice that you have a husband who also has experience with the topic. Together you can support each other and learn how to navigate your lives in the detachment process that is WAY more valuable to all involved than the enabling thoughts that are swirling in your minds currently. Good luck to you and your son, and welcome to SR. It's a wonderful place to come, especially when your life seems to be getting crazy.
I too always thought that I would never have to deal with addiction in my home when I divorced my ex. Sadly, I did round two like you with my son, and am still in that situation. But I trust most of what I read here, especially from the experienced parents on the site, and have found a lot of peace and serenity as a result. How nice that you have a husband who also has experience with the topic. Together you can support each other and learn how to navigate your lives in the detachment process that is WAY more valuable to all involved than the enabling thoughts that are swirling in your minds currently. Good luck to you and your son, and welcome to SR. It's a wonderful place to come, especially when your life seems to be getting crazy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: West River, MD
Posts: 4
Welcome Snickers,
Please try Al-anon again. I know I felt so much better after going. It's not about whining, it's about getting out your frustrations in a safe place.
I'm near you and I went to an awesome Al-Anon in North Beach on Saturday morning. Seems like a great group of people.
You're never going to change your son, you can only change yourself and how you respond to him.
Please try Al-anon again. I know I felt so much better after going. It's not about whining, it's about getting out your frustrations in a safe place.
I'm near you and I went to an awesome Al-Anon in North Beach on Saturday morning. Seems like a great group of people.
You're never going to change your son, you can only change yourself and how you respond to him.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Snickers Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us and so sorry that you are going through this right now 
As others have stated above this is not something that we can control-I went through most of my life until I found recovery thinking that I could control and change everyone around me to make them fit and suit my needs. When I found recovery I found myself and found that I can only do those things to and for myself! I found not only the addicts in my life had a problem but WOW I did too!
Al-Anon has worked for me, SR (Amazing place) ....we are here 24 hours so when you need to get things out please join us here as you are not alone!
Please check out the stickies at the top of the forum as they are filled with a wealth of information-there are books there too that I would highly recommend picking one up.
When I also came to SR there was a lot of things that I did not want to hear from others and got a bit upset-I want to assure it is only because others have been there and what they are doing is trying to give their best experience, strength and hope to those who are in situations such as yours. Be gentle to yourself and please keep posting!
As you can see- I am in severe need of a reality check. I will attend Al Alon again but I got very frustrated the last time I went during my first marriage. What a bunch of whiners sitting around reading poetry when all I needed them to do is TELL ME HOW TO MAKE HIM STOP DRINKING. Seems like that would be the one and only "step" necessary, dontcha think???
Al-Anon has worked for me, SR (Amazing place) ....we are here 24 hours so when you need to get things out please join us here as you are not alone!
Please check out the stickies at the top of the forum as they are filled with a wealth of information-there are books there too that I would highly recommend picking one up.
When I also came to SR there was a lot of things that I did not want to hear from others and got a bit upset-I want to assure it is only because others have been there and what they are doing is trying to give their best experience, strength and hope to those who are in situations such as yours. Be gentle to yourself and please keep posting!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Welcome Snickers,
I also would encourage you to try Al-Anon again.
I am the mother of a 27 yr old AS (addict son,) we do not live together, I think he is currently using, but do not know for sure. He claims he isn't . . . I find longer & longer moments of serenity and a ton of support by attending 1 Al-Anon meeting weekly, 1 Nar-Anon meeting weekly, daily reading from either Al-Anon or Nar-Anon literature and reading & posting here.
4-5 months ago I was a basket case, my AS had no where to live, I had no money to give him and he was calling me 3-4 times a day begging for help. He'd get angry that I didn't have the answers & hang up - then I wouldn't hear from him until the next day - somehow he'd made it through each night. What I'm learning is that he manages to find a way to take care of himself - I sit around trying to figure out how to "help" him & live myself & find him a place to live & find him a job & figure out what to do with his dog & & & & WHAT THE HE!! is worrying about - he hasn't gotten a FT job (one that meets my specifications!) he hasn't found a "permanent" place to live . . . these things must not be as important to him and they are to me. I'm learning then, to stop worrying for him, to worry about myself and let him deal with his life - it ain't easy, believe me, but that's what I'm trying to do.
Also, you can get charged with drunk & disorderly in public just by walking down the street and you can get some form of a DUI on a bike - answer: Don't Drink!
Good Luck!
I also would encourage you to try Al-Anon again.
I am the mother of a 27 yr old AS (addict son,) we do not live together, I think he is currently using, but do not know for sure. He claims he isn't . . . I find longer & longer moments of serenity and a ton of support by attending 1 Al-Anon meeting weekly, 1 Nar-Anon meeting weekly, daily reading from either Al-Anon or Nar-Anon literature and reading & posting here.
4-5 months ago I was a basket case, my AS had no where to live, I had no money to give him and he was calling me 3-4 times a day begging for help. He'd get angry that I didn't have the answers & hang up - then I wouldn't hear from him until the next day - somehow he'd made it through each night. What I'm learning is that he manages to find a way to take care of himself - I sit around trying to figure out how to "help" him & live myself & find him a place to live & find him a job & figure out what to do with his dog & & & & WHAT THE HE!! is worrying about - he hasn't gotten a FT job (one that meets my specifications!) he hasn't found a "permanent" place to live . . . these things must not be as important to him and they are to me. I'm learning then, to stop worrying for him, to worry about myself and let him deal with his life - it ain't easy, believe me, but that's what I'm trying to do.
Also, you can get charged with drunk & disorderly in public just by walking down the street and you can get some form of a DUI on a bike - answer: Don't Drink!
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Snickers
Hello and welcome to SR. I am also the mother of an A son (who is the child of an alcoholic/drug using father whom I divorced when my son was 1-1/2 years old). It is very difficult with a child. But the good news........with a lot of hard work and loving detachment......it can get better for you whether it does for him or not.
It seems that the easy answer (and yes....the single step needed) would be for them to just stop drinking. Unfortunately, we are absolutely powerless to make that happen (and believe me......I have tried every "trick" in the book to make that happen to no avail).
My beautiful son started his journey with drugs and alcohol at the age of 15. He is now 27 and his journey continues. He has been arrested for MIP (minor in possession), public drunkeness, and DUI. He has been to jail. He has been through out patient treatment, in patient treatment, and intensive out patient treatment. He has spent periods of time sober and has demonstrated what an incredibly wonderful human being he can be. He has relapsed multiple times and that is where he is currently......in relapse (while he is still attending the weekly sessions of his intensive out patient treatment).
All of this use to make me absolutely insane (and I do mean that quite literally). I couldn't sleep. I would do anything and everything to help him solve his problems. I was a crazy woman and am very embarrassed at some of the things I did to "help" him.
Today (one day at a time) I concentrate on MY recovery. And believe me....after dealing with his antics for the last 12 years, I NEED recovery.
Stick around. You may not hear the things you want to hear but if you have an open mind and an open heart.......you will hear what you NEED to hear.
gentle hugs from one mother to another
Hello and welcome to SR. I am also the mother of an A son (who is the child of an alcoholic/drug using father whom I divorced when my son was 1-1/2 years old). It is very difficult with a child. But the good news........with a lot of hard work and loving detachment......it can get better for you whether it does for him or not.
It seems that the easy answer (and yes....the single step needed) would be for them to just stop drinking. Unfortunately, we are absolutely powerless to make that happen (and believe me......I have tried every "trick" in the book to make that happen to no avail).
My beautiful son started his journey with drugs and alcohol at the age of 15. He is now 27 and his journey continues. He has been arrested for MIP (minor in possession), public drunkeness, and DUI. He has been to jail. He has been through out patient treatment, in patient treatment, and intensive out patient treatment. He has spent periods of time sober and has demonstrated what an incredibly wonderful human being he can be. He has relapsed multiple times and that is where he is currently......in relapse (while he is still attending the weekly sessions of his intensive out patient treatment).
All of this use to make me absolutely insane (and I do mean that quite literally). I couldn't sleep. I would do anything and everything to help him solve his problems. I was a crazy woman and am very embarrassed at some of the things I did to "help" him.
Today (one day at a time) I concentrate on MY recovery. And believe me....after dealing with his antics for the last 12 years, I NEED recovery.
Stick around. You may not hear the things you want to hear but if you have an open mind and an open heart.......you will hear what you NEED to hear.
gentle hugs from one mother to another
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Prince Frederick, MD
Posts: 72
Thank you all!
Thank you all so much for your replies. They really brought a tear to my eye with the realization of how many are suffering. I found an Al Anon meeting to attend this Saturday. Funny but we just moved to this house in June and the jail and the treatment center and both within a few miles. I could walk to the treatment center my son is in. I don't recall mentioning that to the realtor when we were house hunting! "Oh yes we would like 4 bedrooms, attached garage and easy access to jail and rehab facilities..."
I am at work today- very tired from trying to sleep through obsessive thinking! This incident happenend while the rest of the family was on vacation in NC- received a call from the police halfway through at 3:45 am so needless to say that was the end of the vacation. We didn't leave early- we were just miserable and grief stricken for the last 4 days. It has been difficult to be cheerful and put on a relaxed post vacation face here at the office. I am not revealing what has happened for a number of reasons- hopefully I will regain my emotional footing sooner rather than later.
Thank you all for listening and I will be posting more and doing more reading as you all have recommended. THANK YOU!
I am at work today- very tired from trying to sleep through obsessive thinking! This incident happenend while the rest of the family was on vacation in NC- received a call from the police halfway through at 3:45 am so needless to say that was the end of the vacation. We didn't leave early- we were just miserable and grief stricken for the last 4 days. It has been difficult to be cheerful and put on a relaxed post vacation face here at the office. I am not revealing what has happened for a number of reasons- hopefully I will regain my emotional footing sooner rather than later.
Thank you all for listening and I will be posting more and doing more reading as you all have recommended. THANK YOU!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
Hang in there
Hang in there Snickers, it will get better when you turn the focus back to you, and let him follow the path he has chosen. I still worry that my RAS (recovering Addict Son) will relapse but have been working on me so that if that happens hopefully I will be more secure in setting the boundaries than I was before. We can still love them and pray for them, but unfortunately we can't fix this for them. This is something they have to do.
Just as a side note, why haven't you told anyone outside the family what is happening with your son? You might be suprised at the support you get if you are having a bad day at work, if a few chosen people know what is happening. Just a thought.
Barb
:ghug
Just as a side note, why haven't you told anyone outside the family what is happening with your son? You might be suprised at the support you get if you are having a bad day at work, if a few chosen people know what is happening. Just a thought.
Barb
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 1
Hi Snickers!
I am sorry for what you are going through. This is my first post but I felt the need to response because I hear my Mom in you. My brother is a raging alcoholic and my father was one also. My father died about 3 years ago from his drinking. My moms feels your frustration and pain with having a son that is an alcoholic. I wish there was an easy, quick solution.
Last year, my sister, my mom and I went our first Al-Anon meeting and our thoughts were the same as yours. We stopped going and my mom still begs for answers and asks the question "How can I make him stop drinking?". We have spent too many days with the police and in hospitals trying to get help for my brother. Analyzing everything that has transpired over my brother’s life time and wishing and wondering if only she could have changed things. It’s a vicious circle that never ends and it’s very difficult to watch my mom go through so much pain. She is consumed by these thoughts and so worrisome of my brother, that she is missing out on so much other amazing things in her life. Things like, my sister and me, our lives and family…her life and health.
Well, for me, I have just started reading Al-Anon literature again and just joined this site. I know you call it poetry but there is a true and real guidance that Al-Anon provides us. I found this to be very helpful to me and read it frequently to my mom.
Wise words from an AA who counsel with families of alcoholics: "Yes, the alcoholic can be forced to get sober."
The spouse: "But I've tried everything. He won't listen to reason. I've yelled and complained, paid the bills, threatened to leave - nothing works."
"Of course not, This is you applying the force , and that never works. I suggest you stop taking action. The only force that can change the alcoholic’s pattern is the pressure that builds up inside him when the family refuses to react any longer. When he can’t count on your helping him, when you won’t assuage his guilt by fighting him, and you refuse to get him out of trouble then he’ll be compelled to face up to things. In other words, try inaction instead of constantly figuring out something to do about him.”
Today’s Reminder
It is not easy to restrain ourselves from reacting to what others do that seems to affect us. A healthy detachment brings about the very changes we were powerless to make by continually fighting the problem.
Snickers, please remember to take care of yourself and your health.
I am sorry for what you are going through. This is my first post but I felt the need to response because I hear my Mom in you. My brother is a raging alcoholic and my father was one also. My father died about 3 years ago from his drinking. My moms feels your frustration and pain with having a son that is an alcoholic. I wish there was an easy, quick solution.
Last year, my sister, my mom and I went our first Al-Anon meeting and our thoughts were the same as yours. We stopped going and my mom still begs for answers and asks the question "How can I make him stop drinking?". We have spent too many days with the police and in hospitals trying to get help for my brother. Analyzing everything that has transpired over my brother’s life time and wishing and wondering if only she could have changed things. It’s a vicious circle that never ends and it’s very difficult to watch my mom go through so much pain. She is consumed by these thoughts and so worrisome of my brother, that she is missing out on so much other amazing things in her life. Things like, my sister and me, our lives and family…her life and health.
Well, for me, I have just started reading Al-Anon literature again and just joined this site. I know you call it poetry but there is a true and real guidance that Al-Anon provides us. I found this to be very helpful to me and read it frequently to my mom.
Wise words from an AA who counsel with families of alcoholics: "Yes, the alcoholic can be forced to get sober."
The spouse: "But I've tried everything. He won't listen to reason. I've yelled and complained, paid the bills, threatened to leave - nothing works."
"Of course not, This is you applying the force , and that never works. I suggest you stop taking action. The only force that can change the alcoholic’s pattern is the pressure that builds up inside him when the family refuses to react any longer. When he can’t count on your helping him, when you won’t assuage his guilt by fighting him, and you refuse to get him out of trouble then he’ll be compelled to face up to things. In other words, try inaction instead of constantly figuring out something to do about him.”
Today’s Reminder
It is not easy to restrain ourselves from reacting to what others do that seems to affect us. A healthy detachment brings about the very changes we were powerless to make by continually fighting the problem.
Snickers, please remember to take care of yourself and your health.
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