venusinlibra

I finally did it, I ended my relationship with my ABF after 3 years. He has been sober for almost 2 years but has not helped me out financially and is verbally abusive.

He constantly calls me names and I just have had it. He never says sorry afterwards and seems like he could care less. What was the final straw for me was I have a family member who is very sick and dying. I have been very emotional the last few days and I have tried talking to him about it. I told him I couldn't help him out financially anymore. Tonight he finally listened to me for 5 minutes and just said I'm going to sleep. No hug, no I'm sorry, is there anything I can do, nothing.

It's like he's this empty vessel and I realized he never gave a damn about me. One part of me is so sad and the other is furious. How could I have ever loved such a person? I feel like a fool but at the same time I'm so glad it's over.

Any stories others can share. I'm hopeful for the future and scared at the same time. Thanks.

mamaplus2kids

What happens? Well there's the mourning period, during which you will probably feel anger, sadness, and denial. You'll probably start bargaining, ie. doubting that you made the right decision. Then, will come the depression. Then, comes acceptance. Before you can get to acceptance, you have to have support. Go to a therapist, Al Anon, keep every evening filled with friends and support. Take care of yourself.

I am a terrible example of someone who just can't break up. I keep going back. THere's a part in me that's broken and weak. I just can't stand the pain of breaking up.

AWEDA

It was hard at first.
Then I realized my life was so much better.
Looking back,how in the world did I allow someone to treat
me so badly.
Everyone else saw it,but me.
I knew my children could not live with this example of a man.
My own stinking self-worth allowed this behavior to continue.
Today I appreciate myself and know I am a good person who deserves
to be loved and respected.
Good Luck to you and enjoy YOUR life!!!!!!!!!!!

Barbara52

First I allowed myself to grieve over the loss of the relationship, took time to heal. I started understanding I didn't ever have the merriage I thought I had, that it was a fantasy not based in reality. THen I started looking inward to figure out jsut why I was willing to settle for so little in a relationship and marriage. I am still looking inward to figure myself out. Its going to take time since its a lifetime of behaviors and choices that I lived with or did myself that I need to look at. But after the initial grieving, I have found a great deal of peace and personal growth going on.

venusinlibra

I feel so weird looking at him now. I don't want to be around him. Even if we have a normal conversation he will turn it around and say it's all my fault. I'm going to counseling and last night he told that counseling is all ********. I tell him I need emotional support, he say oh boo hoo, you're a bitch, etc.

He's moving into a sober house, he is complaining he has no money, etc. I gave him gas money even as he is calling me names. I guess I have a hard time understanding why he can't just say hey I'm sorry it didn't work out. Thanks for helping me, etc.

I feel a little bit guilty but I just want to get him out of my house as soon as possible so I can have some peace of mind. I don't want to fall back into the relationship I just want it over and I want him gone.

When you finally ended it did you have these feelings as well?

prodigal

Right now you need emotional support. Turning to him is like expecting to bring up a bucket of water from an empty well.

Perhaps the first thing you should practice is not looking to him for anything. This man is an abuser. You cannot, and will not, turn an abusive person into a loving, caring, compassionate person. No matter how much you love him, do things for him, try to help him. He is using you as a target onto which he projects his self-hatred.

Hurting people hurt people. And that is precisely what you are allowing him to do.

I've gone through the grief of ending a marriage to an abusive man. Looking back, I cannot believe I actually grieved over the loss of a man who cursed me and hit me. But I did. And it stunk. And it got a whole lot worse before it got better.

I call it "growing pains." We have to go through a process of pain in order to grow. As I posted to you previously, this guy is a loose canon on your deck. He is capable of doing a lot more than cussing you out.

I guess at this point I'm wondering why you are still attempting to engage him in any sort of conversation. He isn't hearing you. He berates you. He talks to you like filth.

Do you have ideas as to why you are still hoping he'll talk to you like a nice guy?

venusinlibra

I think the issue is we were friends for a few years before we got together. I NEVER saw this side of him and I guess I'm still in denial. Maybe he will see my side, maybe if I explain it in a different language, etc. he will get it. Maybe he will say he's sorry.

I'm looking for love and support in the wrong direction. I guess it's one of those weird psychological issues of "please love me" or wanting someones approval. I left the house and gave him a deadline for move out. I am focused on me right now but God does breaking up hurt.

I think it's the realization that I allowed this to happen. I'm hopeful for the new opportunities coming my way. I just have to let him hit bottom and move on.

prodigal

Sadly enough, you have to allow him to hit bottom; that is, if he has one. On the other hand, it seems that you have not yet hit your bottom. You keep hoping he will "get it" and see your side. How many more times does he have to call you a b**ch before you hit YOUR bottom?

'cause from where I'm sitting you still have to hit your's.

Regardless of whether or not he hits his.

venusinlibra

Yes, very true. I guess I never thought of it that way. I am making progress. I have put up ads to rent out two rooms in my house (one he was using) and that definitely is making a statement. I have given him a deadline and I'm making plans without him. It's hard to let go. I do love him but I know he's not the right one for me.

Live

Dreams die so hard!

So glad you have left and are not in the same residence altho' it being in your name, why does he get to stay?

He needs his own consequences.

And you need your boundaries.

jmo

ps I was in a terribly abusive relationship. No one will ever talk disrespectfully to me again more than once.

FormerDoormat

My boyfriend never said thank you for helping me, either. He didn't seem to have the capacity to feel or express gratitude. And he didn't have the capacity to feel or express compassion, either. The alcohol stripped him from everything and he, too, became an empty shell of a man.

It didn't matter to him how badly he'd hurt me, he could just roll over, close his eyes, go to sleep, and sleep like a baby. I, on the other hand, spent many sleepless nights suffering the consequences of his alcoholism.

Plus, he had the added advantage of being able to forget these scenes completely because he either blocked them out of his memory or the alcohol did it for him.

Based on my experience, I expect that life for you will improve drastically and immediately. I expect him to try and lure you back into resuming your previous role as his financial provider and punching bag. I also expect him to tell you anything you long to hear in order to accomplish his goal.

Expect phone calls telling you that he loves you, he can't live without you, you are the love of his life, and he's a changed man. Expect that he will promise you the world.

But most of all expect that he has NO plans of changing.

Live

Thank you Formerdoormat for taking the time to explain and especially explaining what to expect!

It is hard to get rid of an alcoholic, esp on whom you have helped financially!

venusinlibra

No, actually he is leaving not me. He is finding a place to live and will most likely go to a sober house. I go out of town this week for work and I will be gone.

It probably is one of the weirdest relationships I ever had. Everything was so petty and whatever I said, he would say the opposite and just act absolutely horrible towards me.

I feel better today. Thanks for your support.

mamaplus2kids

I'm finding myself doing this to. Sometimes I wake up so depressed, I don't feel like making plans... but I force myself to do it because I know that's the only way I will be able to let go.

venusinlibra

It's just so hard to listen to his anger, him blaming me for all our problems, that he doesn't accept his role in what has happened. He blames me for his anger, his verbal tirades, and it just makes you feel so bad. I know it will get better but some days are more difficult than others.

It's like he's playing a game with my emotions. I'm going to hit a few meetings this week and hopefully I will feel better.

Live

He IS playing a game with your emotions and you will not be able to have a sane, sound, rational discussion with him....so why subject yourself to the twisted blaming, accusations, put downs and verbal attacks?
And the pattern is that it is at its worst when breaking up.
This is HIS game and it is about power and control.
Keep yourself safe and check out the stickies on abuse at the top of this forum and the Women in Recovery forum. Emotional abuse leaves long lasting scars, its damage insidious and often worse than some forms of physical abuse.
It does not stop, it escalates. The recovery rate for men who are abusive is almost zero.
He treated his previous women this way and he will treat all future women this way and worse.

The truth shall set you free

chrisea

He treated his previous women this way and he will treat all future women this way and worse.

ditto

LaTeeDa

What happens after you end the relationship? What do you want to happen? The possibilites are endless. The world is your oyster. What have you been wanting to do that you couldn't because of him? You just laid down a burden that was never yours to begin with. Someone once posted here that she lost 200 lbs. of dead weight and she felt so light. I could relate to that.

L

Pajarito

And so can I. It is so hard to let go of a dream. It's not so hard to get rid of a man who basically did nothing but sit around, leave his messes all over the house, and verbally abuse and lie to me on a regular basis.

It's been one year since STBXAH decided he wanted to separate. I was a wreck- how could HE leave ME? It was his game. He was going to leave me so I'd realize what a great guy he is and beg him to come back- his words! I remember a moment back then when we were talking about it all- I was crying; he was a cold, black hole (no compassion- ever)- and he said those very words. It was like someone had slapped me into reality. I stopped crying and said, "I hope that doesn't bite you in the butt." A moment of clarity. . . A year later I feel he gave me a gift. I finally see that I was getting nothing from him. I was starving. Now I am living my life for me. You can do it- you may feel very sad/hurt/angry for a while, but you can do it.

venusinlibra

Yes, I have heard similar words. Sometimes it feels like someone has kicked you in the stomach. He's looking for a place and I told him he had to put his stuff in storage. He was surprised I could rent out the extra rooms in my house so quickly. The first day I had ten responses.

Now he is bitter and angry again. What chaps my butt the most is he never paid rent here but now all of sudden he can afford double to live on his own. He said "my drama" made us argue. I said it was his lack of responsibility and compassion for me. We never go to live a normal life because he refused to participate and let me do all the heavy lifting.

I guess I need to understand that I will never understand. I look forward to a healthy relationship in the future.