KariSue

I need some advice.

My son is an addict. He, his wife and our two grandchildren live with my husband and I.

He was clean for a while but lately we have been seeing red flags; money missing and lying about things he doesn't need to lie about. Our daughter in law and I have been comparing notes. We question him and he denies it. We ask him about missing money or if he is smoking pot (we're guessing it's only pot but he has done worse drugs in the past). We're asking non confrontationally as we haven't actually seen any drugs. We're trying not to badger him too much in case he really isn't doing anything but we're pretty sure he is.

We don't know how to handle this. For about a week we have just been observing his behavior and it's very suspicious. We're watching our money, checking places where we think he might hide drugs, etc. We don't know if we should be doing this and that's what I need advice about.

If you suspect, should you confront them and how is the best way to do it? We don't want to have to feel like we're "babysitting" him but I don't want him to do things like possibly drive with the grandchildren in the car either. If he isn't doing anything then I don't want him to feel that we don't trust him. We don't, but still....

I have already told him if we do catch him doing any drugs in our house or car then he has to move out. His wife and children can stay but he has to leave.

I need advice on the best way to handle this.

Thanks, KariSue

marle

With the lies and missing money, it sounds like he is using again. If your boundary was no using while living with you, maybe it is time to put that plan into action. You can expect that he will lie to cover his using. But your gut will tell you what your mind does not want to acknowledge. An addict working recovery will show by their actions not their words. Hugs and prayers because I know this must be so hard for you, Marle

finallyout

Hi kari - marle posted what i was thinking. and i'm sure there will be lots of great advice coming your way soon. I am the wife of an addict and we have lived (and still do) off and on with my inlaws for years cuz of my husband's addiction. I can't tell you how important it is to stick to your boundaries. My inlaws onced made the same statement to my husband about using in their home etc, but they never followed thru. Now were in a situation where my ah knows he can get away with it, use his parents and drain them financially, he will always have a safety net with them. unfortunately they never worked a program for themselves so i don't think they understand how much they've enabled him over the years, i'm actually still just discovering myself how much i enabled him too. i don't have much advice on confronting him or the snooping, i'm still working on those areas myself, but i do know how important it is to stick to your boundaries. I wish my inlaws had done that years ago, maybe things would've have ended up differently for my husband, who knows. to this day they still try to help him as much as they can (sometimes i can't blame them, he is their son) but now hes drained them financially to the point were have to give them $ (above our rent to them) to help them out, which i understand is our duty to do since its my ah's fault they are in this mess, but i don't think they realize that all these years that he begged them for help, they could have said NO and told him to leave their house. they don't see how their financial problems are not just cuz of my ah, but also because of their choices as well.

rozied

As you have read in the above posts you must make an addict accountable for their actions. Also as his parents you must stick to your boundaries, once you have set them.
I have a 41yr old son who is an addict. He lost his wife & children about 7 yrs ago & he has really gone downhill since then. You cannot save him from himself but you can say what you will or won't allow in your house.
In all the reading I have done since coming to SR, the parents who have the best success in getting their children to straighten up are the toughest. Not that they can do it for them but by not enabling them, they reach their bottom much faster.
I know the reason my son is still in such trouble is my parents have kept enabling him.

Jody Hepler

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and acts like a duck - it's a duck.

Sounds like he is using - normal people don't steal money.

Have you been to any Alanon or Naranon meetings - for folks that "love addicts or alcoholics"? They have free literature that might give you the information you need to make some decisions.

I had to learn what addicts that were working on their recovery did - go to a meeting a day, call their sponsor, read their NA/AA books.

Keep posting - there are lots of us who have "been there".

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

Ann

I agree with everything said above and only want to add one thing...his behaviour and actions indicate that he is almost certainly using. You don't have to wait to "prove" anything, trust your instinct on this and do whatever you need to do.

Most importantly, protect yourself and your belongings. My son once walked out, right past me, with a portable TV in his backpack. I was on guard and still had no clue.

Prayers for your son, it's heartbreaking to be the mother of an addict.

Mom to Mom Hugs

JMFburns

KariSue,

Good luck to you and your family. I cannot offer any more info than what others have already posted. I can only offer a glimpse into my experience and hope it will help in some way.

I am the mother of a 27 yr old son who is probably using drugs. It hurts more than anything else I've ever experienced to see him suffer, to have to say 'no' to him and I am not always able to do it. But through the help of Nar-Anon, Al-Anon and SR I am trying to find the strength. I have made it along way in my own recovery from him in the past few months and will continue on the path as best I can.

Welcome and I hope you find support here.

grateful2b

Karisue,
another mother of an AD here...
it is tough but only tough love will do....
stick to your boundaries, don't second guess yourself, trust your gut,
Alanon can make all the difference....
hugs and prayers, grateful

KariSue

Thank you so much everyone.

The latest is that he finally admitted to his wife that he has a problem. This is something new for him. He has always denied it before. He says he wants a sponsor and wants to get help. I think he really means it and I hope so much that he does. When I actually see him do it then I'll believe it.

So far I haven't been to any NarAnon meetings but I want to go. I found out the location and time. They meet tomorrow night. I'm in Florida and we have a tropical storm warning out for tonight so not sure if the meeting will take place tomorrow or not.

I am having a hard time hearing that I need to tell him to leave. I have to think about it. If I was absolutely sure then it would be a bit easier but not easy.

This sure sucks but nobody has to tell any of you that. Thanks so very much!

KariSue

CatsPajamas

You are sure. You've had many many years to finely tune that radar of yours. IT's a gut check thing. You know what you know. At the very least, your radar is beeping that you can't trust him for some reason.... and you're right, it's not easy. Especially when it's your child and when there are grandkids involved.

Your grandchildren are watching, too. They're learning about boundaries, choices, consequeces etc. Hopefully they will get really good and strong examples from you and from their mother. Are they old enough to go to Ala Teen meetings? Those can be amazingly helpful for young people whose lives are affected by alcoholism and addiction.

Hugs
Cats

fndngserenity

It is very hard. Because they put us in a place not to trust them, our minds become little detectives. I thought for sure my BF was using and so did his family. He was acting wierd, blowing all his money. We found a small straw in his pants, etc. He was clean but oh how our minds convinced us.
Accusing an addict is one of the worst things you can do - especially if they are CLEAN. Get a little more evidence before you confront him. If he has stayed clean, you're questioning him could send him back to where he was before.
Good luck. I know how hard it is. It is discouraging. I am always on the lookout for clues and signs that he is using. Not a way to live. But I still do it anyway. I love him and he seems to be doing really well right now.
Good luck ~ Hugs & Prayers

KariSue

Thanks! I have decided to get a little more evidence for the reason you said.

As far as confronting him, it's not a mean thing. I just gently tell him that things look suspicious. He doesn't take offense. I told him that some money was missing and I hated to think it was him but who else could it have been? Possibly my 3 year old granddaughter as she sneaks in our room and innocently gets into things sometimes. She did turn the volume all the way down on the clock radio so my husband was late for work one day. THAT looks more like her "crime" . :-)

The reasons he gives and the way he gives them makes me think one of two things. He actually is telling the truth or he has become more proficient at lying. I feel sure that he was off of everything for at least the last 6 months. He was out of work and didn't have the money. Not that long after he got a job (he passed their drug test) was when things started looking suspicious again. Like I told his wife. He didn't have money for anything before but now he does. He does give her his paycheck so I don't know.

I just need a little more evidence than I have. With what I have, I'm afraid of doing what you said; sending him off to start again big time or something....even though I KNOW it's all him and not me and I can't stop him if he really wants to. I think (from specific things he said to his wife and she told me) that he is wavering and to kick him out might be enough to tip the scales the wrong way.

I know I sound like a wuss but my gut feels this strongly too.

I'm so glad your boyfriend is doing better. I bet it was a HUGE relief to find out you were wrong. That is why your post spoke to me. Thanks!

KariSue

I only suspect it might be pot or some pill but mild. When he was on heavier things, I didn't know it then but I'd know what to look for now and he isn't like that. Not that pot is good but

hello-kitty

Maybe it's time to draw a boundary about how much longer you are going to let him stay with you. An addict rarely admits to using, even if they are caught redhanded. Focus on what is or is not acceptable behavior from an adult son, not the drugs.

How's his attitude? Does he have any plans to move out? Is he putting money away?

When my parents wanted me to move out, they started charging me rent. They put all the "rent" I paid, in a fund that would go back to me when I moved out. That was my money for a deposit and first months rent. After that I was all on my own but I wasn't angry at them. I knew it was time I grew up and became responsible for myself.

Just a suggestion...

Impurrfect

I'm a recovering addict (and a recovering codie), but, for me, I understood why my family was distrustful of me. I WAS clean, but was questioned every time I was late from work (I live at home), or they didn't know where I was.

This, to me, is a consequence of what I put them through when I was active. Yes, it bothered me, but I totally understand it (mostly because of reading here what all of you are going through or have been through).

It's totally your decision on how you handle this. I would still be on guard and watch things/money very closely. If he IS using anything, it's dangerous...it's a way we addicts avoid life, and often leads back to our original DOC (drug of choice).

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Troubledone

A lot of good advice already. All I can add is that if you think something is fishy, it is.

After being bamboozled for years by my niece, I now realize that if a person wants to be clean, they don't have missing chunks of time and they don't lie. Also, money that doesn't add up is a real red flag - missing money or more money than you can figure where it came from (my niece dealt as well as used).

A counselor once told me that I could tell if my niece was addicted because if she was clean she would be doing normal things people do. Normal people don't lie, can account for their money and whereabouts and don't have the air of dark mystery surrounding them that addicts do.

Scott Peck said in his book the road less traveled, where there is confusion, there is a lie. So if you are uncertain what to do, there is a hidden lie somewhere.

If I could live the past two years over again, I'd take my husband's advice and require drug tests in my home at random intervals (my niece fooled her p.o., the workhouse and me for over 2 years, even with random UA's downtown).

I have noticed that addicts can be very specific when they lie, but when they are vague, it's a whopper.

God Bless, I hope you find the answers you need.

BBD

When my son got out of rehab and came to live with us, my counselor told me to give him a time limit that he would have to be out on his own. I did just that and when the time came~~he had found a job and an apartment. Mind you~~we don't have a wife and children involved here so that makes it different for you but having a family should matter to him...He needs to support them and get them out of your house. It has to be rough being a full time gramma and discipling at the same time. Thats takes the fun out of it sometimes....my heart goes out to you. I have enough on my plate wondering what my son is up to half the time......Big hugs, Bonnie

fndngserenity

His Mom actually confronted him and he came upstairs all upset that she didn't believe him. He said, this just makes me want to use or kill myself. If nobody believes me then what does it matter. I said, " I believe you." I try often to let him know I am there and that I have faith in him. I know it can't save him but it helps to get his mind going in the right direction.
I hope everything goes well with your son. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers ~
Take care

fndngserenity

Absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that book! Great input, thank you!!

Spiritual Seeker

You can purchase inexpensive drug tests over the internet.
When my son lived at home He had to leave the bathroom door open with a witness watching him to make sure the pee results were reliable.

Perhaps a condition for living at home is that he actively be working a program.

If your son is using (behavior is always a reliable indicator) his sobriety can not be yours to control. You are powerless over it. Either he wants to work at it or he has to abide by your boundary.

KariSue

Well an update. We still haven't found anything proof positive but the red flags are just too many to be coincidence now.

Tomorrow night his wife, my husband and I are going to talk to him and set our boundaries. The children won't be here.

I am glad to know there are drug tests you can buy on the internet. I was wondering about that.

We are planning to tell him that even though we can't prove it 100% we are sure he is using. We are giving him info on where to get help and he either goes (and we'll go with him to make sure he does) or he moves out. If he swears he isn't so he shouldn't have to go then we'll say that he still must go to satisfy us that he is telling the truth. If he goes and gets evaluated, we'll take the word of the counselor.

Also, we are planning to tell him that as long as he is working on it (and we have proof of it) that he can live here. Otherwise, he has to leave.

I am listening to all your advice, just not answering each individual post. I appreciate all of you helping so much.

Also my daughter in law and I are going to the NarAnon meeting next week no matter what happens when we talk to him tomorrow evening.

KariSue