A little help PLEASE!

Old 08-16-2008, 03:39 PM
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A little help PLEASE!

I have been on this site for 2 days now reading posts and squalling like a big baby. I just need some advise as I think everyone else is to close to situation. You all seem to have it so together so maybe someone can help me figure out what to do. I have a RAD 23 yrs old with a 21 month old and a soon to be 5 yr old. They live with me. My daughter has been clean from Oxys for over 120 days now (YEH). I have been going to meetings for over a year now and am working a program, and read alot of your posts. I am relapsing now! I am ready to explode. My husband just doesn't seem to see all the good that she is doing in her life and nothing she does is good enough. He is a good person and loves her but right at the moment he is treating her like crap. This doesn't happen when I am around, but I am stuck in the middle. He says I take her side for everything. I really am the only one she has. Her BF treated her like crap, her dad is an alcholic/drug addict and ignores her and now her stepdad is verbally abusing her and i don't think he even realizes it. I have to talk to him about this, but he goes on the defense and I am sick of fighting. I know i am rambling but does anyone have any suggestions they would like to make. Keeping quiet and trying to let them work it out is not working for me and I have to keep me healthy. Please help!
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Old 08-16-2008, 05:05 PM
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Since it doesn't happen when you're around, who is telling you about it?
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Old 08-16-2008, 05:21 PM
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faith,

I feel for you and the situation you are in. I do not have any experience in this area - I did not learn that my AS had a problem with oxys until after he had moved in with his gf and I had moved in with my daughter. We have not lived together in the past 3 years. His father & I divorced about 10-12 years ago, I have not been in a relationship since then and my AS has very little contact w/his father.

I imagine it is stressful having that hanging over your home every day. I hope any one with step parent issues will be along to help you out with suggestions. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.
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Old 08-16-2008, 05:36 PM
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Prayers that you find a solution.

The only experience I have with this is when my addicted niece and husband were at odds. My husband was very sarcastic to her and she would get crazy angry about it.

I talked to my husband and told him that I could see that he was using the sarcasm as a way to communicate some kind of displeasure with her, but that it would be more effective if he would just say what he means.

I told my niece that her relationship with my husband was hers and while I might be able to suggest that he communicate more directly, he had a right to his opinion and if she didn't like it she could always move out.

I also told the both of them that I wasn't willing to live like that..

And - as a post-script. My husband saw behavior that despite my niece doing things that we thought were positive and telling us she was clean, we recently found out that all the time we thought she was clean, she was still using. So - my husband was right to be concerned about some aspects of her behavior after all. (She's in jail now)

Would your husband go to a meeting with you?

I hope you get the help you need. . . It is so hard to try to take care of an addict and keep the peace on top of everything... I am wondering who takes care of you?

I don't know if this is even a little helpful. It sounds like your situation is a knotch or two more touchy... What do you mean that he treats her like crap - is it verbal
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Old 08-16-2008, 06:07 PM
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Both of them tell me about it. And any and all suggestions are appreciated. It is hard with her living here and he is entitled to his opinion. We have been thru alot with her. No my husband doesn't believe in meetings, he drank for many years and just quit and he thinks everyone else can do it that way. She is on suboxone and goes to counciling 3x per week and has a forum that she is very active in. I don't really know what is up with him because he is not usually like this. He just has outbursts are the best way I know to describe it and i feel like a cloud is hanging over my head as i walk in the door. I think this is verbal abuse, our daughter is broken and is trying to be fixed so why now is he so sarcastic to her. It seems to me with everything that we have been thru when she was using now he would see all the good things that she is doing and maybe just give her a word or 2 of encouragement instead of putting her down. There are more things that she could be doing around the house, but isn't what she is doing worth some praise?
On another note, God does give you what you need, when I was at my lowest last nite and today a friend from work called another friend from work and told her that something was wrong with me yesterday. My friend called me last nite, but in my depression and pity for myself I did not answer the phone, she showed up at my door this morning! I didn't hear her knock but she called me and I did answer, she said I am standing at your front door open up. As i showed up at the door crying, she made me get dressed took me for a jeep ride and out for ribs and just listened to me. I felt better knowing someone really did care. Sorry this was so long but I just feel the need to talk before I talk to Hubby. Thanks to all for listening!
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Old 08-16-2008, 06:16 PM
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Welcome...I'm so sorry things are so stressful. I think Troubledone's post and suggestions make a lot of sense. I don't have any direct experience like this although I do remember how tense and frantic I felt when I allowed myself to be caught in the middle particularly when my daughter was in active addiction and just going through the motions of thinking about sobriety in order to stay in the house. Addiction truly is a family disease.

Is your daughter working a program and does she have a counselor or sponsor she can discuss this with? I understand why you are stressed but maybe this is not your problem to own. Maybe the only part that is yours is to let them both understand how this friction makes you feel?

Lots of hugs. Stick around...there are lots of wonderful folks here and great support!
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Old 08-16-2008, 06:39 PM
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Thank you, and maybe your right, I keep thinking this is not my problem, it is theirs to work out. But then I go back to thinking that we should be encouraging. It angers me that he can't just do that. I don't mean he has to all the time, just a good job or I am proud of you would be nice. I don't think he has said anything like that since she started her journey. And let me tell you things are so much better than what they were. I don't know why I am letting this get to me like it is. One day at a time and thanks again.:c021
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Old 08-16-2008, 08:43 PM
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botahavfaith -

Sometimes when I get weepy or upset more than usual, I find that I've over-extended myself. You have a lot going on in your house. Besides the tension between your husband and daughter, there is probably stress related to your wanting your daughter to recover - not to mention the weight of all the every-day work of living. Also, when I have people in my house who are fighting, it raises my stress level, I don't sleep well and after a while it really wears on me. So it is not surprising that it is getting to you.

I don't know what the answer is, but I am really glad your friend showed up. Those of us who try to make a difference in our addicts' lives end up carrying a heavy burden and sometimes we don't know when to put it aside long enough to re-charge ourselves.

I pray that you are able to find the right combination of assertiveness, detachment and self-care that will allow you to keep yourself strong.
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Old 08-17-2008, 07:01 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through this, but I honestly think it is THEIR problem to work out.

I'm a recovering addict. Though 120 days is GREAT, it's really not enough time for old wounds to heal. Part of our consequences is dealing with the feelings of others.

I'm not saying he's right...but my dad said some pretty hurtful things and threw things in my face for a while. After enough time of doing the right thing, trying to get my life back on track, he eased off. The last time he threw something from my past in my face, I told him "I screwed up. I'm not that person now and throwing it in my face isn't accomplishing anything".

It sounds like she is working a good recovery program, and she can handle this. Yes, it's great to have encouragement (and she gets it from you), but, sadly, some people hold onto their grudges a long, long time.

I hope you can find a way to remove yourself from their drama. Let each of them know that THEY have to work this out, and continue taking care of yourself. A lot of times, good recovery "rubs off" on those around us.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 08-17-2008, 07:15 AM
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My husband and I don't always see things eye to eye about our daughter.(84 days clean and living at home after being gone for the last 2+ years) But I have really been trying to stay out of their problems. I tell my daughter that sometimes people can't give you what you want out of them. It is their issue to work through. During those times you have to give yourself what others can't or won't. Trying to stay out of it is hard work and you need to be gentle with yourself. Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-17-2008, 07:23 AM
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Thank you Impurrfect. That is exactly what I need to do. Get out of their business. Old hurts are hard to heal and 4 months isn't enough for him, we went thru 7 years of hell. My job was to keep everyone happy, when I was probably the most unhappy. I told my husband this morning that I did not want to get into it I just wanted him to think about what he was saying to her and in front of her children, he would never let anyone talk to her like that so why would he. Boys learn how to treat their mother by watching how other men treat her. He knows it is wrong he just sometimes says things before he thinks. I talked to her also and told her that when that happens that maybe she should just think about saying, I don't deserve that and I am trying to change. We'll see what today brings. Thanks for the suggestions, I LOVE THIS SITE!

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Old 08-17-2008, 07:24 AM
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Boundaries have been my solution to many, many things that occur in the home.

You have the right to peace in your home, so maybe a first boundary could be one I used often with my kids:
"If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing"
At the very least you may have a very quiet home for a spell

I can relate, because when someone starts on any of my kids, my mama claws come out. But the truth is they are adults and can fend for themselves on occasion.
I hope things calm for you
(((Hugs)))
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Old 08-17-2008, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
I tell my daughter that sometimes people can't give you what you want out of them. It is their issue to work through.
I've said the same thing to my husband and daughter. She finally grasped the idea just the other day and that was after months and months of therapy then rehab. My husband intellectually gets it but emotionally refuses it. It's no surprise he doesn't go to meetings or my therapist.

I had to put my foot down hard around here. The last time I chose to mediate neither of them liked it. I point blank told them if they weren't willing to change for the other person they couldn't ask for it either so put up or shut up.

I haven't heard a peep out of either of them since then
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Old 08-17-2008, 11:56 AM
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Thanks everyone! I think it also doesn't help to have the almost 2yr old and 4 year old running around to. We love them dearly but thought we were thru with that part of our lives, full time anyway. Sometimes I just forget all my rules and boundaries and wind up a mess. But I am better today! I have read some today, but now I have to run. The almost 2 yr old that is HELL ON WHEELS (LOL) just told me he pooped in floor so gotta run. Thanks again. You have helped alot
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Old 08-17-2008, 12:07 PM
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I can imagine it would be really difficult with little ones in your home. You have situations you have to control vs ones you shouldn't. That's a juggling act an experienced performer would have to admire
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Old 08-17-2008, 02:21 PM
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I think Imperfect hits the nail on the head. She usually does!

However, while you are concerned about the things he says is emotionally abusing her, I am thinking of the ways it emotionally abuses the two little ones.

She is old enough to handle her relationship with her father herself, but the kids deserve protection.

I suggest there does need to be a firm boundary set around what is said and done that can be seen or heard by the children.

I have to raise my hat to you! I do not think I could have little ones in my home day in day out. I think a weekend might be too long. Yikes! And I am a grandma! But many states away. I loved raising my babies, but these days my patience is worn thin with the constant attention required to keep young ones.

Hugs,
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