jerect

I give up.

After reading on this forum for months and months, especially the words from the recovering addict, I have decided that the best thing that I can do for my AH is to let him hit rock bottom. I have exhusted every effort that I know of to help him and the truth is, I cannot help him, fix him, convince him or lead him in the direction of getting clean. He has to do this for himself.

I'm not even angry anymore. I just feel complete sadness for a man that has so much potential but has let the disease of addiction take control over his life.

This morning, he was scrambling around looking for pills, apparently he is out of them. I just shook my head and left the room. For months he has been hiding his relaps from me. I found a bottle of lorcet last sunday and after the advice I got from my good friends here at SR. I confronted him. It went surprisingly well. He admited that he had relapsed only he gave me a half truth. Said that it happend only in the last week but I know it has been longer but really it doesn't matter when it happened. It happend.

I wasn't going to tell anyone including his mother because really what can anyone do? However, his mom called me this afternoon and asked me how my AH was doing in his recovery and if he was still attending his meetings. My MIL and I are very close and I was not going to lie to her so I told her everything. She agreed with me when I told her that We just needed to let him hit bottom, whatever his bottom is.

I have realized in the past week that my biggest fault in all of this is that I'm ny AH's biggest enabler. I'm not sure where to draw the line in being a good wife and enabling my AH to use drugs. I want to be there for him when he needs me but yet I don't want to cushen his fall either. I guess this will be a work in progress for me.

I don't know how long that I will be able to stand watching the person that I love most, go through complete and utter hell. I may not be able to stand it and may have to one day soon make the choice to leave.

Today, My MIL and I discussed a future intervention and rehab. She told me she would help me with the costs of rehab but that we should wait and see what my AH does in the up and coming months because he is going to have to want rehab. Us making him go against his will will not do him any good.

So for now, I'm surrendering this to my Higher Power. I can't do this on my own anymore. I'm putting my HP in control and know that the outcome will be what is best for everyone.

It's time to work on me, I need to work on that dreaded 4th step. I need to focus on what I can do for myself rather then what I can do for my AH.

Thank You all for all your support on this board. And a big THANKS to the RA that post on here. Your words and messages speak volumes to me.

Troubledone

jerect

Prayers for peace and strength.

I am at the same place with my addict. I've come to realize that my niece (addict) is like a drug to me - I keep getting "hooked" into enabling. so, just like drugs, I'm convinced I need to release her to my HP and do what we suggest to addicts - abstain from contact with her until she is fully in active recovery (12 step, making amends, etc.)

My addict has been throught treatment, mental health counseling, time at the workhouse, and all this time she had me, my husband, her po and her friends convinced she was clean - and she actually never stopped using. She found a way to get around the UA's and to get drugs even while she was in the workhouse.

So - I will pray that you have the strength to let go and the wisdom to know what your HP's will is in all this - that, I think, is the best we can hope for.


Peace

greeteachday

Jerect, I know it feels rather sad to get to this point, but I believe your post is filled with hope too. Realizing powerlessness can be empowering...it is another step in changing what we can change...ourselves. I'm also glad you were able to confide in your mil...keeping secrets is such a difficult thing. As I have let secrets go, I realize how unhealthy they were for me.

When I first started here, I remember reading that an easy way to start distinguishing between supporting and enabling was to not do anything for my addict that she was capable of doing herself. Another thing I heard was to think about my motivation for doing things...If it was in any way focused on doing for or controlling my daughter's actions, use, etc, then I needed to work on changing my behavior. If I did it purely out of love...as something I would do for a dear friend, and my motives were more "pure" I felt more comfortable with my conduct.

Sending lots of hugs...I'm sorry this is such a difficult time, but I am glad you are recommitting to your own recovery.

Impurrfect

(((Jerect)))

I'm sorry he's still floundering, but I'm glad you are willing to let him hit his bottom. I'm also glad you have the support of your MIL, and that she agrees (one less enabler).

I promise you...if you don't let us A's hit bottom, we will see no reason to change. I know it hurts, but it's the most loving thing you can do.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

BigSis

Yep... that sounds a lot like surrender, to me. And I can't "give it up" if I am still hanging on, I NEED to surrender control.


PS - I also attend open AA meetings when I feel the most hopeless. Nothing as uplifting as listening to someone who "made it out". Gives me hope... and that is a rare commodity in our world, eh?

((hugs))

cece

I agre with everyone above. Your post even if to you feels hopeless, to me I see its full of hope for you.

What "GreetTeach" had to say here was perfect:

[but I believe your post is filled with hope too. Realizing powerlessness can be empowering...it is another step in changing what we can change...ourselves.]

. When I feel total powerlessness I am finally where God needs me to be to take over.

Jody Hepler

My surrender - giving up my addict sons when I was convinced they would die - was one of the toughest things I ever did. But I was asked by my sponsor - do I want to be part of the problem (the great enabler) or part of the solution (love them, but let them suffer the consequences of their drugs).

I hung onto step one - ...powerless over addiction, and MY LIFE is unmanageable. They were acting the way active addicts act - lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, ad nauseaum. I, on the other hand, was not using drugs - so why was I lying for them, covering up for them, almost losing my job because I couldn't focus on anything but them, not being there for my other family members especially my husband.

I had to "walk away" and let them do what they were going to do. (They were doing it anyway.)

I'm glad I did that - because it took 20 years for my son to finally get back into recovery and get a year of sobriety. And today I can enjoy him - because I have a life for me and 25 years of Alanon recovery! I just don't react to things any more. And he appreciates that.

I know it feels awful - but just keep putting one foot in front of another - and it/he may not get better - but you will.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

rozied

You have read the posts above. If you have set boundaries with your son, then stick to them.
Since coming to SR & reading the posts here, it is my impression that the addicts that reach their bottom the quickest have families that refuse to enable them.

jerect

Amy,

It was actually one of your posts, I forget which one, that made me realize that I was my AH greatest enabler and that the best thing I could do for him out of love was to just let him hit bottom. I figure that a recovering addict knew must know what she is talking about..and I thank you for all of your wisdom that you contribute to this board.

I remember the moment that I knew that I had to give this to my HP. It was Friday evening and I was on my way to my Grandmothers house for dinner. I rarely listion to country music but for some reason I had it on the local country station. The song, Jesus take the wheel by Carrie Underwood came on about 15 minutes before I got to my Grandmothers. By the end of that song, I had my car pulled over to the side of the road because I was bawling my eyes out. It was like Divine Intervention. I knew right then and there what I needed to do and in that moment I surrendered it all to my HP. I felt immediate relief, like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I'm know longer in the drivers seat and I'm very much ok with just being a passenger.