What is reasonable? What is nuts?
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What is reasonable? What is nuts?
I am struggling in my relationship with my BF right now. Short history is we have been together for about a year and a half (with one six week break up in Feb/March). He is currently not drinking but is not in AA. He is in therapy.
For the entirety of our relationship, there has been a very strange cloud around the fact that both of us have children. He knows mine well and spends a lot of time with them at my house.
His child is 8 and I have only been around him a handful of times in our relationship. He has him every other weekend and a couple of evenings a week. When he has his child, he becomes nearly out of contact. He will call me for a few seconds or send me a text, but it is not even close to resembling what our level of communication is other times (usually we talk on the phone several times a day and see each other almost every day).
His son doesn't know he is dating me and at this point I feel it's beyond normal. My BF says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He is extremely freaked out about his son knowing he has a relationship.
Is this healthy protection of his child or is this dysfunction? I used to think it made sense at the beginning, but now that we've been together this long and he is involved with my children, it seems messed up to me.
His reasoning is that he doesn't have as much time with his child as I do with mine, and he wants it to be just between the two of them. BTW, they even sleep in the same bed because his son has never slept in his own.
I'm starting to feel really resentful and kinda sick about it, but in usual codependent style have really not said much, just stuff my feelings and try to get along.
For the entirety of our relationship, there has been a very strange cloud around the fact that both of us have children. He knows mine well and spends a lot of time with them at my house.
His child is 8 and I have only been around him a handful of times in our relationship. He has him every other weekend and a couple of evenings a week. When he has his child, he becomes nearly out of contact. He will call me for a few seconds or send me a text, but it is not even close to resembling what our level of communication is other times (usually we talk on the phone several times a day and see each other almost every day).
His son doesn't know he is dating me and at this point I feel it's beyond normal. My BF says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He is extremely freaked out about his son knowing he has a relationship.
Is this healthy protection of his child or is this dysfunction? I used to think it made sense at the beginning, but now that we've been together this long and he is involved with my children, it seems messed up to me.
His reasoning is that he doesn't have as much time with his child as I do with mine, and he wants it to be just between the two of them. BTW, they even sleep in the same bed because his son has never slept in his own.
I'm starting to feel really resentful and kinda sick about it, but in usual codependent style have really not said much, just stuff my feelings and try to get along.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
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I'm very protective about my children , if I start a relationship it's got to be all about me and whoever until I'm sure of them. I always tell peple I have children, I never keep that a secret, but no way will they meet them untill I'm 100% sure of them. That's just me though.
Can't say I've slept with my sons since they were about 2 years old though.
Can't say I've slept with my sons since they were about 2 years old though.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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I didn't introduce my daughter to Richard until I was sure we were in a committed, long-term relationship. I didn't want her to see a string of men come and go in and out of my life. I wanted to set a good example for her.
That said, if I had been dating a man for 1.5 years and I still hadn't met his children, that would be a tip-off to me that I was just "an option" and not a long-term relationship in his mind.
As I said previously, the bottom line is this is not acceptable to you. If I'd invested 1.5 years into a relationship and still had not been integrated fully in my partner's life, then I'd take that as a red flag, and move on.
That said, if I had been dating a man for 1.5 years and I still hadn't met his children, that would be a tip-off to me that I was just "an option" and not a long-term relationship in his mind.
As I said previously, the bottom line is this is not acceptable to you. If I'd invested 1.5 years into a relationship and still had not been integrated fully in my partner's life, then I'd take that as a red flag, and move on.
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To be accurate, I have actually met his son and our children have played together a few times, but he has not told his son I am his SO.
For some reason, he seems to think that it's reasonable for him to be involved with my kids, but not vice versa. He is opposed to cohabitating/marriage until his child is "older." I think he thinks somehow things are easier with older kids--ha.
To be fair, I have understood this for the most part. I am not ready to move in together or start spending all of our weekend time together, but the fact that he becomes incommunicado (sp?) or nearly so when they have weekend time is getting to me.
I just sent an email :
So, xxxx, I know email is a bad idea but since you haven't called me in more than 24 hours, I guess it'll have to do.
It's not acceptable to me for you to be out of contact for this amount of time, and I'm not going to text with you because it's just ridiculous. I can't think of any acceptable reason other than a serious emergency or crisis, and even that isn't okay with me.
You are unavailable for long stretches and now for the next several weekends and I'd rather have no boyfriend at all than one who takes me for granted.
I have feelings and needs and one of them is to be able to count on you not to flake out on me.
So think about it and I guess we'll talk when you free up.
Then he called and he is blaming me for being upset. Said I am "out of control." I don't feel like I have acted out of control, just upset. But now I'm questioning myself.
It seems to me to be a reasonable request that my SO who claims I am the love of his life and he wants to be with me forever would at least pay some attention to me when he's parenting.
I have three children, a job, two pets, and a house to take care of by myself, nearly 100% of the time, yet I make time for him and his needs.
For some reason, he seems to think that it's reasonable for him to be involved with my kids, but not vice versa. He is opposed to cohabitating/marriage until his child is "older." I think he thinks somehow things are easier with older kids--ha.
To be fair, I have understood this for the most part. I am not ready to move in together or start spending all of our weekend time together, but the fact that he becomes incommunicado (sp?) or nearly so when they have weekend time is getting to me.
I just sent an email :
So, xxxx, I know email is a bad idea but since you haven't called me in more than 24 hours, I guess it'll have to do.
It's not acceptable to me for you to be out of contact for this amount of time, and I'm not going to text with you because it's just ridiculous. I can't think of any acceptable reason other than a serious emergency or crisis, and even that isn't okay with me.
You are unavailable for long stretches and now for the next several weekends and I'd rather have no boyfriend at all than one who takes me for granted.
I have feelings and needs and one of them is to be able to count on you not to flake out on me.
So think about it and I guess we'll talk when you free up.
Then he called and he is blaming me for being upset. Said I am "out of control." I don't feel like I have acted out of control, just upset. But now I'm questioning myself.
It seems to me to be a reasonable request that my SO who claims I am the love of his life and he wants to be with me forever would at least pay some attention to me when he's parenting.
I have three children, a job, two pets, and a house to take care of by myself, nearly 100% of the time, yet I make time for him and his needs.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
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Sweetie, he's playing a game that alcoholics are masters at playing with their significant others: manipulating you, turning things around to put the blame on you, and making you doubt your feelings and sanity.
Your feelings are valid and he's choosing to ignore them. You can't change his behavior, but you can change who you choose to hang out with. These days I only spend time with people who enhance my life.
Your feelings are valid and he's choosing to ignore them. You can't change his behavior, but you can change who you choose to hang out with. These days I only spend time with people who enhance my life.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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I would take his behavior and choices as an indication of how he wants life to be and decide, based on what is, whether I wanted to continue the relationship. If what you want and what he wants in and from the relationship is too different, is there any chance it can succeed?
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If what you want and what he wants in and from the relationship is too different, is there any chance it can succeed?
And now I don't know if I am unreasonable, or if he is.
Actually, seeing it all written makes it less confusing, but more sad.
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Originally Posted by nowwhat 
IAnd now I don't know if I am unreasonable, or if he is.
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These days I only spend time with people who enhance my life.
But I don't know if it is sick, or if I'm just sick, or if we are just sick together.
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No, not sick. You apparently have very different expectations from what the relationship should be than he does. That doesn't make either of you wrong, doesn't make either of you sick. It means you aren't happy with the way the relationship stands right now.
It means you either accept the way it is, discuss it with him and see if you can come to mutual agreeable expectations for the relationship or you decide this is unacceptable to you followed by decided what you want to do about that.
It means you either accept the way it is, discuss it with him and see if you can come to mutual agreeable expectations for the relationship or you decide this is unacceptable to you followed by decided what you want to do about that.
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Thank you so much for that thought.
I know it is possible that neither of us is sick--but it still feels like a bad thing to me.
Breaking up is so hard, but I keep thinking that as long as I'm in this almost satisfying relationship, I am not available for the Real Deal.
I'm not chomping at the bit for marriage, but I sure like the idea of a real Partner. Somehow this doesn't feel like that.
I know it is possible that neither of us is sick--but it still feels like a bad thing to me.
Breaking up is so hard, but I keep thinking that as long as I'm in this almost satisfying relationship, I am not available for the Real Deal.
I'm not chomping at the bit for marriage, but I sure like the idea of a real Partner. Somehow this doesn't feel like that.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
I agree with Venus. He is trying to protect the relationship from the child's mother. Is he afraid that she'll punish him? Keeping secrets gives him power. My BF did this for a while... didn't want to go out in public with me, which felt terrible. It's still an issue for me. I keep thinking if he were proud of me, he would want to be seen with me. As it is, we only go out together in public a few times a year.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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I just read the "sleeping in bed" with his son at 8 years old. I don't want to be mean but that is totally inappropriate. If he is in therapy, I would think his therapist would say that needs to stop.
There is something going on there that he is not telling you about. I wish you the best but I would push him on the issue. Maybe you can ask one of his friends or something.
There is something going on there that he is not telling you about. I wish you the best but I would push him on the issue. Maybe you can ask one of his friends or something.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
All that really matters is that it's not acceptable to you. I think it's beyond odd for a man to sleep in the same bed with an 8-year-old child....
I also understand his point about not as much time w/his kid as you have with yours. I commend him for making his time w/son all about them.
I think my first responsibility is to my kid, especially when I've torn her world apart with acholism, poor picking, divorce, etc. She is truly the only innocent involved in my adult nonsense.
There is one school of thought that believes we shouldn't even date until our minor children are up and out. Saves them from our adult dating drama.
I'll have to get back to you on that one!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by venusinlibra
Is he afraid of his child telling the mother? It seems like he is trying to protect the relationship with the mother/child. It seems like he is hiding something.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I won't tolerate any partner, potential partner, friend, relative--anyone really--who attempts to hide their affiliation with me. That says to me that they're either ashamed of being seen with me, hiding someone in their life from me, or hiding a part of themselves from me.
Any way you slice it, a partner or potential partner of mine who attempts to hide things for whatever reason from me is deceitful. And that's probably just the tip of the iceberg.
Richard was my boyfriend for 25 years. I met his son twice--once when he was 6 years old and once when he was ~30 years old. I never met his mother or his siblings. They never called my house. They never sent him a card or letter at my address. They only called him at work.
I didn't meet his ex-wife or his son's mother until we all ended up at the ICU when the hospital called for his next-of-kin. I knew they existed; they didn't even know I existed. How intolerable is that?
What's even more incredible is that I put up with this BS for 25 YEARS! What in the hell was I thinking? That's why I keep chiming in on this thread. I felt the same uneasiness you're feeling now in the beginning of my relationship--only I chose to ignore the red flags.
The red flags are waving. I hope you choose a different path than I did. Twenty-five years is more than half my lifetime.
Any way you slice it, a partner or potential partner of mine who attempts to hide things for whatever reason from me is deceitful. And that's probably just the tip of the iceberg.
Richard was my boyfriend for 25 years. I met his son twice--once when he was 6 years old and once when he was ~30 years old. I never met his mother or his siblings. They never called my house. They never sent him a card or letter at my address. They only called him at work.
I didn't meet his ex-wife or his son's mother until we all ended up at the ICU when the hospital called for his next-of-kin. I knew they existed; they didn't even know I existed. How intolerable is that?
What's even more incredible is that I put up with this BS for 25 YEARS! What in the hell was I thinking? That's why I keep chiming in on this thread. I felt the same uneasiness you're feeling now in the beginning of my relationship--only I chose to ignore the red flags.
The red flags are waving. I hope you choose a different path than I did. Twenty-five years is more than half my lifetime.
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