bruce24

Hello SR community,

Just wanting to some advice as I feel I have gone 5+ years without being diagnosed for depression or something along those lines.

I decided to take a 100 question test on depression and found out to no real big surprise that I am depressed. While I feel happy about my success of being able to give up drugs I feel like I've been hiding all my other problems for so long and that it's too late to get these feelings out now and no one is even around to listen. This has taken alot for me to even join this website and while the first few weeks of sobriety felt amazing despite the lows, I feel I am just a sober person doing nothing of significance and have lost connection with the people around me that I cared about.

I have been to a therapist before but found it hard to open up fully in fear of judgment which is or course ridiculous but I just can't do it for some reason. I end up going in with a plan in mind of how I want the session to go...

I'm really struggling keeping up my exercise now and found myself going back to my habits of when I was abusing drugs and can't follow my own advice. I don't want to go back to drugs ever and I don't think that is an issue at this point but I am afraid of using medication for depression and having a doctor decide how to "treat" me.

I want control of my life back when I was a carefree teenager who had something to live for and was a person people look up to for strength and courage. I'm tired of living in my own shadows and not being able to stand up for myself. I lack self-esteem and live in constant fear of failure and conflict.

Well I think I'll leave at that and for anyone who reads this I don't know what the point is I just felt like at least one person that reads this will be able to relate and maybe give some advice.

Maybe my expectations of recovery are high but I felt like being at Day 40 would be a great day and well on my way to being where I want to be. Clearly, I am much farther away than I expected..

Dee74

Bruce, I don't know much about depression - much of my depression is situational, not clinical...but I do know a little about recovery

We abused ourselves for so long - I'm assuming you're a veteran too - it's a big ask for the mists of years to clear in 40 days. The body and mind have their own ideas on timetables.

Things do get better, but not always at the speed we wish them to.

I hated it at the time but I can see a lesson in that now tho....for me - so used to immediate gratification - patience is kinda a nice quality to learn...even if I'm still learning it LOL

D

Jules62

Hey Bruce,

I get it.The hiding-the unwillingness to admit we have the problems we do and even trying to control our counsellors?LOL(sorry-I shouldn't laugh but it's all oh so familiar to me!)

I have suffered from depression too and hated admitting that.Stopping drinking made me even more aware of it and I hated it.Like you-I was happy about my sobriety but what happens is after you're over the 'I'm not drinking/using today-yay me -I did it another day-yada yada yada' what kicks in is 'How am I going to live the rest of my life?' the word 'Happily' doesn't seem to feature much.

Years of buried emotions surface and it can be overwhelming-hence the slump into depression.

I understand not wanting to see a doctor and taking meds for it,but for me?That was mostly my pride and that's what kept me drinking for so long too.'I can control this.No one tells me what to do' etc etc.I despise asking for help and have consequently been my own worst enemy as a result.

I think pride/control issues are huge for us as alcoholics/addicts.

It's normal to find yourself here.What I want to suggest to you is to challenge yourself to get support for depression too.I know it took a lot for you to even post here at SR about your addiction.It took me a huge amount of time/courage to do so at first too-and I was still drinking when I first arrived.I'm a slow learner-LOL

But depression is a serious illness that can be treated and well-you just don't have to suffer.I'm sure you're tough and I think you're amazing to be here and doing so well so far.But your body/mind is telling you you need help with this too and there's no shame in getting the help you need.

You are not weak, you have a medical condition that can be treated.You may just need something for a few months till you're back in balance again.It doesn't have to be forever.

I guess all I'm saying(and taking way too damn long to say it) is-don't ignore this.It's okay to get help and it doesn't make you a lesser person-it makes you a sensible person who cares enough about themselves to do whatever it takes to be healthy and on the right track.

Take care,

Julesxox

Lenina

Jules,

You are so very wise. Especially considering the "cone-headed" thingy.

Thank you. Your post are always so right on for me!

Love,

Lenina

Jules62

Okay-now I'm blushing....

Thank you Lenina.I'm just speaking of my own experience.I truly hope it helps someone.I really appreciate your kind words.

Julesxox

Ananda

The first time I got sober I was downright misserable. I had "issues" that I didn't even know I needed to deal with. after some "come and go" sobreity, I finally got help for these other issues, although I did refuse medication.

The help helped and I did get a chunk of happy sobriety.

I drank again, and this time getting sober has been a completely different experience. I was put on meds for depression and sleep disorders immediately. I don't run around happy joyous and free 24 hours a day or anything, but it is a whole different (better) walk this time.


Control is key....I don't quite understand this, but on the one hand, I have to stop trying to always want control..a change in how i veiw the world. On the other hand, to feel that i have absolutely no control...or maybe impact is a better word in the world around me is the hopelessness that can lead back to drinking.

Just some thoughts...try to get some help! 8

Anna

Hi Bruce,

It could be that things will change for you in the next few weeks as your body gets used to your new life. If not, there are things you can do to help.

I take meds for depression and have for about 8 years now. I believe that I always will. At first I felt like it was weakness on my part but I learned that it is a chemical imbalance. And, I never want to go back to that dark place again, ever.

My suggestion is to talk to your family dr about how you feel. Maybe you would consider trying an antidepressant if your dr thinks it would help. Please know that you don't have to live your life in sadness.

FightingIrish

I found myself in a similar place about 9 months into sobriety, even though I was doing everything I was suggested by people in the program.

I went to see a doctor and he prescribed some meds that help a lot. Whether it is situational or something I will live with my entire life, I don't know or care much. All I know is that I am a lot more peaceful and at ease.

I feared meds for my entire life because I felt like I would go around feeling washed out or overmedicated. Quite the opposite. I'm not downright euphoric or anything, but it helps remove a lot of the blockages that program and talk therapy had no effect on. Like, why am I feeling like this when I have everything to be happy for. It turns out it's chemical.

I just finished Andrew Solomon's book "Atlas of Depression", which I highly recommend. I feel more confident in the way I am going about it, which involves a number of tools including medication.

least

I've felt much the same. AFter being sober for 34 days I'd really like to feel good again, tho I know that can take time. I've been on antidepressants for at least ten years and I know that I'd be a lot worse off if I weren't taking them. My biggest thing is learning patience. I want to feel better "now"! And it's not going to happen overnight.

I wish you the best and yes, you will feel better, it will just take some time.

:ghug3

Live

You can find a great deal of information about depression, including the brain/chemical aspect of depression...as well as situational depression and clinical depression..at the National Institute Mental Health....you can find it by searching NIMH.

Best wishes!

Live

tommyk

Depression meds are like insulin to some people (like me ).

Drinking & drugging may temporarily mask depression symtoms, but they provide no real relief.

Considering that I should be dead from drinking, drugging, and depression, Life is F*CKING great.

I'll bet you can get to that point too. Ditch the expectations and fairy tale scenarios, accept life on life's terms: realize you may need medical help. It is not a weakness.

Keep coming back, we can discuss this further as you progress toward a new life.

Live

Also, excercise is one of the greatest natural treatments for depression, it boosts the endorphins. A good food that somehow helps aid with depression is tart cherries.
Eat regularly to avoid blood sugar highs and lows, trail mix is great to snack on.
Try to eat fish with omega 3 (salmon, tuna) twice a week. And, I personally, advise lightening up on all caffeine.

jmo

Live

SeaHorse

One of the reasons I would drink was to escape the awful feelings I would have. Which I later learned was major depression. I went to a shrink a long time ago and he put me on antidepressants. Now most of the time I feel 'normal' (whatever that is). Before being on the medication I was in very bad emotional pain most of the time for no apparent reason.

Toomutch

I was about to post something similar to Tommy but ther was no need because I see this situation much like he does.
Seeking medical attention is not a weakness, it actually shows tremendous strength.

Honu

I have had a lot of depression, too. I had many losses in my family at a young age, and felt "picked on" by God. I self-medicated with alcohol. I did take anti-depressants, but I didn't like the side effects, so I quit that.

You said that you wanted to be the person you once were, that people looked up to for strength and courage.

I think you have a LOT of strength and courage. Getting off of drugs and alcohol takes a lot of BOTH. So, don't see yourself so short. You probably are an inspiration to people you aren't even aware of.

I recently realized that I had given up on myself. That kept me in the pit of depression. I looked to others for validation, and for support, yet, did nothing on my end to help myself. I had to make a hard decision to get out there, and do something MORE with my life. I felt like I was a hamster on a wheel, going no where fast. There was nothing in my life that had any meaning at all.

Maybe if you do the 'next right thing' today, and tomorrow, and continue, your self-esteem will start to build day after day. Get out of the house and start making connections with people. And, don't be ashamed of who are think you are. Almost everyone on the planet is struggling with something every day. You'll soon find out that you aren't an alien at all, or a misfit, or anything else, for that matter.

But, you are the one who has to do the work. No one else can do it for you. If you need medical assistance, by all means, give it a whirl. It can't hurt, and might help.

Hugs,
Honu

gravity

I also went through a period when I felt as though life was passing me by, that I wasn't doing anything of significance. I still get this way on occasion.

Earlier in my sobriety, each day sober was reason for celebration and my family & friends were openly supportive. I was able to address many of my immediate fears (career, family related) but eventually, the urgency seemed to be lost. My family & friends now seem to take my sobriety for granted (as they should, they are not alcoholics and they do not understand the obsession).

My self-esteem took a huge blow as I came to terms with my alcoholism. I had to accept that I was wrong about so many things that were at the foundation of my way of life:

-I can drink alcohol, I can moderate
-I am a great father & husband
-I am a great employee
-My drinking isn’t hurting anyone
-I can quit drinking on my own anytime I want to

When drinking was a part of my life, none of this was actually true but I honestly believed it was. It was like everything I believed in was wiped away, that I was proven wrong. This in itself forced me to question myself, my motives. My self-confidence was hit hard.

Today, I honestly believe that I have been given a second chance at life, starting with a clean slate. I have been blessed with so many things and have really lost very little because of my alcoholism. I have established what is really important in my life – my kids, my wife, my health, my career. I have taken a very aggressive approach to dealing with my alcoholism – AA, SR, self-help books – reaching out for help, helping others. Really, now that I am no longer drinking or obsessed by drinking, my potential is pretty much limitless.

I do look back at those carefree days when everything seemed to be perfect. However, I have to be careful not to romanticize those days. I was more or less happy and confident. But at the same time, I was also naïve and selfish. I can’t go back and I don’t want to go back. Everything is good right now.

I don’t know if any of this applies to your situation but this has been my experience.

Give it some time, reach out for help, and keep working on your sobriety. Accept the fact that sobriety is your best option and move on with your life. It gets so much better.

Congrats on the 40 days! You are not "just" a sober person.

bruce24

WOW don't know where to begin, except to say thanks to everyone for their feedback!! :ghug

I really can't believe how much you all can relate and the great advice you give out, it really makes me very happy So again...

I think I am pretty naive when it comes to meds just because I have been fortunate (or maybe not so) to never have to use them other than the occasional penicillin or your over the counter stuff so its all new to me.

I really have no reason to be scared and all your stories about how it has only significantly helped, has led me to make 2 appointments. I am going to see a new therapist on Monday and visit my doctor on Wednesday. I will be open and honest as I want the best treatment available for me and am willing to try whatever method they think is right.

I mean I get that I am not alone, but really all your stories touched home with me and really described in detail more or less exactly how I am feeling right now. You are all much wiser about this than me and really glad I have been able to learn and get advice from you people. I know I have alot to live for as I have a girlfriend who loves me unconditionally and that I am very fortunate to have someone special like that in my life. I have someone to share my sober life with and I need to take advantage of that and I think things will get better when she finally comes home in a few weeks.

Sobriety has been tough to deal with alone on a physical level but am very thankful to have you all here to deal with all the emotional aspects of this roller coaster as I truly believe without this site I would of relapsed again no doubt in my mind.

Just a quick few word replies because I really do appreciate you taking your time to help me out!....

Jules: Lenina said it pretty much perfectly, "you are so very wise!" and I wont find shame in asking for more help on this, thanks for the encouragement.

Dee: I'll find my patience at some point and just hearing someone say that helped me to recognize my feeling and I think thats always part 1 into making positive changes

ananda: Control is undoubtedly an issue for me and something I need to work at. Thanks for you advice and I'll focus on my recovery as to how I "want" the world around me to be.

anna: I have taken your advice and am going to my Dr and my therapist so I should have a good opinion from 2 people that I respect highly.

FightingIrish: Thanks for the book recommendation as I too have been reading alot for recovery and this book sounds like it fits exactly into the genres I have been reading! Chemical imbalance sounds scary to me and I need to realize I very well have that issue and its nothing to be ashamed of and there are better ways to deal with it than to leave it to beat myself up over.

least: Thanks for your encouragement, congrats to you and 34 days I know it hasn't been a cake walk for you so thank you and best wishes on your continued journey!

liveweyerd: Thank for your support! I will do some more homework before I see my Dr so I can feel better about where I am going and read some more of these forums to hear more stories like mine to give me a better understanding of what I am up against. Also your advice about exercise has been something that I was doing more regularly at the beginning of my sobriety that I need to get back to, also I NEED to eat better!

TommyK: Thanks for the advice, but I have to disagree I like the fairy tale scenarios! After all who would find my glass slipper and be my prince charming!? Okay seriously though I get exactly what you mean and I shouldn't base my future on anything other than being the happiest I can be at this present moment in time. THAT is my future.

Seahorse: More confirmation I need to seek different avenues for dealing with this depression, thanks for your quick story!

Toomutch: Thank you for your words and I think I am finding my strength thanks to all the amazing support!

Honu: I can relate to alot of what you said. I think I have been being passive about working for solutions to my problems and thinking they will resolve themselves. Time to step forward and never look back.

Gravity: you said "I don't know if any of this applies to your situation...." and YES it sure does. I feel alot of what you described and had an idea that I was being still a great functional person for work, my girlfriend and that I was having no impact because I was in control of my drug use. Well that was an illusion I don't want ever fall into again and realize I am a much better person to EVERYONE when I am sober!


Alright this has been my longest post ever by far so one last BIG THANKS! You are all an inspiration to me and don't know how I could do this without your help!