Mambo Queen

I have had an event full evening of my AH and even his sister calling me. AH kept hanging up and then calling back immediately--because I told him tonight that I DID want to divorce him and then didn't back down from that sentiment no matter what he said. The thing is though, I've SAID that before and I've always let him worm his way back in. I know me, and I know my addiction to him is as strong as his addiction to booze, and he has a way of making me second-guess myself and manipulate me like no other. So I'm gonna try and be really strong and do the No Contact thing, and "Get 'Er Done" this time, and even file for a restraining order if he won't leave me alone, but man, the guilt, the feeling like I'm abandoning him, all of that, is already kicking in hardcore and I just hope I'm strong enough. I've never been strong enough before to resist his last minute promises to change. Help me stay strong, ladies (and gents). I'm going to go to an Al-Anon meeting on Sunday, but I fear I may break my resolve before then. :codiepolice

I don't want to live in fear and pain anymore. But I truly fear the pain to come--the pain of losing him, the pain of not having the drama to occupy my mind, the pain of growing up, I guess. I know the saying "when the pain of living with the alcoholic becomes greater than the pain of losing him, you'll change" or something like that--I have to say that I'm anticipating much more pain than what I'm currently in at first, which I am not looking forward to AT ALL--but then less pain than I've been living with down the road.

hadenoughnow

Doing a pro and cons list may help you or journaling how you feel when he plays his head games. Seeing things how they really are in black and white is helpful when you are feeling weak. Getting Them Sober vol 4 is a great book for those trying to leave an A if you have not already read it.

Reality

Got to ask you....Why'd you say it if youre unsure about it?

Isnt that what the alcoholic does,,,makes promises, then break them? If youre not ready...dont say a thing. When you are ready, dont say a thing.

Speak with your actions....actions are the only thing people believe.

quietgirl

I've thought to myself--or had asked of me--"is it the pain of losing him or the pain of losing what you wished you had but didn't, really, ever have?" Usually the honest answer is the latter, not that it necessarily makes anything easier...

I also think it's interesting how *my* feelings of abandonment come into play. No matter what my AH does to abandon me and our children--and he's done a lot--I somehow still feel overwhelmed with guilt about leaving him, as he is obviously so sick. I think that's where things get really difficult--appreciating the extent to which alcoholism is a disease that is controlling him can also, paradoxically, enable me to just keep going on and on and on being patient and not making the necessary changes that I need tomake in my own life.

I am actually heading to the bank in a few minutes, though, to open up a checking account in my name only and to transfer some funds over. I'm clinging to the idea that I'm separating and detaching and divorcing from alcoholism, more than from my AH.

I'm really glad that I've found this online community! I work full time and, with kids and homework and stuff, don't have a lot of time for evening meetings, though I'm committed to making more. But the support I"ve already found here--esp. by reading back through posts on the archives--has been unbelievable. THANKS to everyone here.... QuietGirl

Barbara52

One thing I found helpful for me was to not only journal everything but to make the condensed version, a list of all the reasons why I made the decision to leave and divorce. That condensed version I carried with me at all times so that when the feeling of "oh I should give him another chance," or "it wasn't that bad" came a long I had a handy reference to remind me that yes it was that bad and this is why no more chances.

I also suggest reading or re-reading Codependent No More. I am in the middle of doing that myself. I find that reading it again helps me to focus on my current struggle, whatever thay may be because each time I read it I learn something. I think each time I read it (and my other books) I am probably at a new state in my recovery that allows me to see something I couldn't before. I always find that book empowering.

Startingover2

I agree with barbara...I did the same thing. I wrote down all the pain AH had put me through for the past few years. Every incident I could think of, his attitude, his promise to change and then how many days it was until the next fall...whether it be alcohol or some other stupid thing he did.

What I realized was it was a pattern. It doesn't seem like it at the time but when you put it on paper you realize it is....not only the actions of AH but my actions too.

Good luck

FormerDoormat

Anticipating Pain

Projecting what may or may not play out in the future kept me from moving forward and thwarted many of my attempts to move on and ultimately led to yet another round of failure on my part.

All I know is what's true and what's happening in my life today. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. But this I know for sure: If I convince myself that life will be difficult for me, it will be. If I convince myself that I cannot live without a partner, then I cannot.

If, however, I convince myself that life is easy and that I deserve serenity and happiness and I can handle anything that comes my way, then that will be my reality.

I have the power to create my own reality. I have the power to become strong, and independent, and free. All I have to do is believe in myself.

I believe in myself and look how far I've come in such a short time. I never once regretting ending my relationship. My life improved immediately and drastically. It was not painful to start living the life I've always wanted to live.

What was painful was realizing that every day that I remained in a relationship with an active addict I was not living the life I deserved and I was choosing that life.

You will stay strong in your resolve to end your relationship this time if you're truly ready to end the insanity. If you're not, then nothing any one of us can say will change your mind or stop you.

The question is are you ready to get busy living or are you ready to get busy dying? It's your choice.

Pajarito

Awesome FD. Thank you. . .

Lizziesd

I also did a list like Barbara52 suggested. A list of Pros and Cons. A list of things that I will miss and wont miss. The lists of the negative things are longer than the positive thing and I carry that with me and I glance at it when I feel nostalgic and weak. The thing that I realized is that the things that I would miss, the things that I liked about him are not unique to him and another man can certainly have those qualities, so why am I wasting my time trying so hard to repair something that is broken. I been meditating and that helps me think with a clear mind. I am going to therapy because my self esteem needs to be restored and I must understand and belief that I do deserve better and I rather be alone and by myself than deal with the drama and the pain and the arguments. Vent with friends and family. Come here for support. Cry if you must and that all helps you heal, but understand that there is one thing we all say to you, "You need to leave him and focus on yourself. Focus on being whole again and love yourself more than him" If we all say it, its because its true! Best of luck to you

mizztake33

Wow Mambo Queen - thanks for sharing that.
Just remember that only you can decide when it is the right time to make a decision.
Even if things change - I would still recommend going to an Al-Anon meeting.


Good luck.

Live

The lists never worked for me. I was so weak-willed that I came here and counted my no contact days the same as one counts days of sobriety. It worked very well. I was accountable to my new friends and their help was my lifeline, I did not want to let them down, so sometimes, many days the support here was the strength I did not have.

And....freeing myself is one of the best things that ever happened to me, even tho' the pain felt deadly at the time.

Bernadette

mambo--
(((hugs)))
sending you a prayer for strength :praying
and a shot of courage!!

peace,
B.

lizw

Are you an Al Anon member? I saw you were going to go to a meeting but I am unsure if you are a member.

If you are not I'd suggest you become one and get a sponsor etc...

I know how strong the obession to the A gets, I've been there too many times so I can say with much certainity that you don't have to do this on your own. I've always found the strongest thing I can do is ring someone else who is in recovery and say, please help me.

I believe god/hp works through people.

:praying