Round and Round I Go...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: bethesda
Posts: 5
Round and Round I Go...
I'm newly registered, but have found reading through past posts very helpful. I've coming off an incredibly tough few years--after over 20 years married to an AH, the disease progressed to the point of total chaos: DUIs and lost job, public humiliation, several stints in detox, followed by rehabs, followed by relapses. A restraining order to boot...
As I've thought about why I haven't yet formally filed for separation, I realize it's a combination of deep sadness about the loss and worry about being alone. But as my AH continues to dig his (and hence our) hole deeper, I realize that if I don't climb out now I may never get out. In addition to all of the binges, he has run up unbelievable credit card debt--squandering $ that could help pay the mortgage or be saved for the kids (we have a special needs child who'll probably never be able to make a decent living on his own) on binges at local bars/strip clubs. I hate to ponder where hundreds of dollars go at these places--I'm guessing one doesn't spend $600 on a cover charge.
Obviously I haven't sufficiently detached, but I'm working on it. I've used the worry about how expensive a lawyer will be for a divorce to stop me from proceeding. I'd welcome any and all advice. Quietgirl.
As I've thought about why I haven't yet formally filed for separation, I realize it's a combination of deep sadness about the loss and worry about being alone. But as my AH continues to dig his (and hence our) hole deeper, I realize that if I don't climb out now I may never get out. In addition to all of the binges, he has run up unbelievable credit card debt--squandering $ that could help pay the mortgage or be saved for the kids (we have a special needs child who'll probably never be able to make a decent living on his own) on binges at local bars/strip clubs. I hate to ponder where hundreds of dollars go at these places--I'm guessing one doesn't spend $600 on a cover charge.
Obviously I haven't sufficiently detached, but I'm working on it. I've used the worry about how expensive a lawyer will be for a divorce to stop me from proceeding. I'd welcome any and all advice. Quietgirl.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome.
The worry about being alone is something many of us struggle with. I have found it helpful as various points in my life to write down exactly what my fears were and assess how realistic they were. It turned out a good number of the fears were not something I needed to worry about. I could then look at the other fears and figure out what I could do to deal with them, whether that was to solve a problem, find a way to make more money, deal with not being in a relationship, whatever.
You might want to contact your local bar association as see if you can get a free consultation with a lawyer about how to proceed and get a good idea of what it will cost. Arming yurself with information is almost always empowering.
The worry about being alone is something many of us struggle with. I have found it helpful as various points in my life to write down exactly what my fears were and assess how realistic they were. It turned out a good number of the fears were not something I needed to worry about. I could then look at the other fears and figure out what I could do to deal with them, whether that was to solve a problem, find a way to make more money, deal with not being in a relationship, whatever.
You might want to contact your local bar association as see if you can get a free consultation with a lawyer about how to proceed and get a good idea of what it will cost. Arming yurself with information is almost always empowering.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
quietgirl, welcome to our forum. I hope we can give you the support you need in this trying time. We have all lived with the insanity and chaos an addict brings into our lives. My suggestion would be that you call the county attorney's office in Rockville, or go up to the courthouse in person. They will be able to assist you with getting legal support. Many attys. do pro bono work.
Based on the longevity of your marriage, and having a special needs child, it would not be unreasonable to expect a good atty. to get you a decent property settlement. Waiting until your AH goes bankrupt would not be in your best interests, nor your child's.
However, I understand the emotional component of the pain of ending a marriage. You have invested a lot of years in this relationship. If you get out now, the judge would likely grant you alimony and child support. Have you been a stay-at-home mom during the marriage? Did you have a career or specific job training prior to marriage? There are opportunities for you to be re-trained, if necessary, to make a decent living.
I grew up in Bethesda, and taking the Metro to D.C. is inexpensive and convenient. Also, even in this weak economy, D.C. offers plenty of jobs that pay a decent salary.
Again, welcome and I hope we can help you!
Based on the longevity of your marriage, and having a special needs child, it would not be unreasonable to expect a good atty. to get you a decent property settlement. Waiting until your AH goes bankrupt would not be in your best interests, nor your child's.
However, I understand the emotional component of the pain of ending a marriage. You have invested a lot of years in this relationship. If you get out now, the judge would likely grant you alimony and child support. Have you been a stay-at-home mom during the marriage? Did you have a career or specific job training prior to marriage? There are opportunities for you to be re-trained, if necessary, to make a decent living.
I grew up in Bethesda, and taking the Metro to D.C. is inexpensive and convenient. Also, even in this weak economy, D.C. offers plenty of jobs that pay a decent salary.
Again, welcome and I hope we can help you!
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by quietgirl 
But as my AH continues to dig his (and hence our) hole deeper, I realize that if I don't climb out now I may never get out.
They say "either let go, or be dragged". If you plan to get out anyway, I would advise not to wait as long as I did. The consequences of their actions affect us too.
Thank you and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. However, I must say, I've never been happier in my life. Go figure, I've got my now 7yo daughter, my 20 lb cat, and almost paid off my 11 yo 177k little truck. You know, I really didn't need all that other stuff. Ha!
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