sam79

Ive not been here for a while as my life was on the up.
Little did i know id be back and so soon.
I left my ABF'S house after 3yrs in February. The abuse i was taking from his worsening condition was getting rediculous.
Mental and the start of physical abuse came to a head one night when he threw things at me/spat at me and trashed the house.
I left at 11pm with all my clothes and valubles and my cats in a taxi in a right state and went back to my mums.
She has always supproted me but never wanted me to stay there and take what i was doing at the time.
Anyway to cut a long story short.
ABF eventually got detox at his parents house over 1 week in May this year, which went very smoothly indeed.
He was on a high and felt so much more like himself afterwards. We went for a weekend away to Spain a week later which was booked before the detox.
It was a nightmare! Withdrawls and headaches, nonestop grouching and picking at me, i was glad to get home. He relapsed for 1 week but then suddenely he decided he'd had enough and had 6wks of total abstinance from alcohol.
It was the best 6wks of my 8yrs with him! I finally felt he was getting somewere and he couldnt beleive how amazing he felt, simply because his deppression meds were able to work effectively now he wasnt drinking.
But then he started to slip and since then hes had odd days of drinkig here and there.
He is unemployed, recieveing benefits which barely pay his debts(due to drinking)and feed him.
He has just completed a relapse course, in which he missed two sessions because he thought drink was a better option.
He used to get accupuncture every other day to fill his time and relax him which seems to be going a little by the way side at the moment.

All this is just getting to me, i just got myself sorted and used to his abstinance and WHAM! i feel back to square one now, althought i know his episodes of drinking are no where near as bad as they used to be.

He thinks it isnt as much of a problem now, althought he knows he struggles at times.

He just told me about an hour ago he cant see me tomorrow cos hes having cravings and wants too keep busy tidying the house and whatnot, knowing that theres no way i will buy him alcohol.

I just know that he will sell something to get money for his beer tomorrow, its what he does. Hes basically saying 'stay away, im going to get hammered and i dont want you to see it or give me hassle for it'

Im i being unreasonable when i say that im scared of this situation?
That i resent all this because its making MY life hell?

I know i dont live with him right now but i seriously thought we'd be in a postition to get back on track with our life plans by now.

I just dont know what to do anymore cos i dont want either of us going through this anymore.
Im tired and fed up.

Sorry for the long and confusing rant, i just had to get it out.

sam.xxx

Barbara52

You do have the option to end the relationship. Its your choice whether to stay involved with the associated abuse or to say you've had enough and end it altogether. Not an easy choice to make. Perhaps end it until he truly gets into recovery so that you can have the peace you deserve?

daisyjane

Hi Sam,

You're not alone!! I just ended a 6 year relationship with my ABF (who's actually been sober for 15 months). I went through all of the feelings and frustrations you described and couldn't imagine a worse pain. What saved my sanity and my life was finding Al-Anon. I now don't have to worry about what he did or does. As they say in Al-Anon - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure the alcoholic. They gave me permission to focus on myself and realize that MY happiness is MY responsibility.

No matter how much I loved him or tried to take care of him (aka control him) he wouldn't/couldn't get sober. When I stopped trying to control his life and focused on my own, he found a sponsor, a higher power, and got sober. We split up because we're now both healthy enough to see that what we thought was love was dependence, fear, and probably relationship addiction.

Today I'm happy, serene and know what I want to do and do it!

Sorry to ramble on but it's a friggin' MIRACLE! Even though I knew years ago that I should leave, I couldn't. I never thought I'd feel so happy and so free!

Take care, Donna

sam79

Like i say i dont live with him at the moment.
Most of the time we get on fine, since he doesnt drink as much as he was the abuse has stopped, plus i stay away when hes drunk so i dont see what goes on.
I walked out in February with the intention of us never being together again but we kept in touch, then after detox it was amazing, everything just flooded back and we were closer than ever.
Now things have slipped back a little im dissappointed, but im not ready to walk, i love him and he always tells me how much he loves me.

Tonight i just got way paranoid cos he didint waana see me tomorrow and i got upset. I suppose im worried that he will be hammered yet again.

I just dont know what i should be doing/if anything to help himand stop myself from going mad.

We are due to go away for a week at New Year and im worried its all gonna end up in ruins, i so wanted that to be the start of a new beggining together but im doubting it will.

sam.xx

prodigal

I think you realize by now there is absolutely nothing on earth you can do to make him stop drinking. You can stop yourself from going mad. He owns his addiction. You own your sanity. What you could consider doing is being less involved in his addiction. Have you tried Al-Anon? It has helped many people maintain their own sanity. A's wreck havoc in the lives of those they touch. As someone in Al-Anon told me, "We oftentimes have to love the alcoholic in our lives from a distance."

sam79

Well im officially a COMPLETE IDIOT!

Yet again i fell into the 'do you wanna come to the pub' routine.
I say no because the situation escalates every time and drunken arguements follow.
Hes bored, wants something to do because he has no job and is sick of being in his house and its somehow made my problem cos i have money and he doesnt.
Please let me say that we are not living together atm i am at my mums house indefinately and will NOT move back unless things drasticly change and i can trust him. If ever.
So this is all being talked about over the computer on live messenger, so i have no idea what state he is in cos hes typing ok, this dramaticly changes if hes drunk!
He tells me hes not had a drink today and all he wants is a couple of cans and a night on the net to chill out.
Ive had this so many times in the past i know the routine and what is about to unfold. Last time was January and i stupidly thought he'd changed.
After much 'TALKING' and admitting that he was craving a beer or 6, i said id lend him £3.00 to get one 2L bottle of cider(what an idiot) if he came to pick it up from my mums.
Within 10 mins he was here, denying he'd not drank today and that he just wanted a couple of drinks to calm the cravings.
I hand over the money and ask him NEVER to do this to me again and that its the last time i EVER do this again.
he agreed.
but i noticed his pupils were massive, this only happens when hes been drinking, so i sneakily aske for a hug and as i lent over i could smell alcohol on him.
He admitted he was lying and said he'd had to go and rode off.

Im so angry with myself for doing this and allowing him to manipulate me again. I didnt think hed go back as he was ao adament he didnt want to be an alcoholic and got so much help.

Ive learnt my lesson the wrong way yet again by enabling his addiction and after all ive been through i can beleive i did it.

But onwards and upwards, i'll do things for me as i have been and sod him. He can get in touch when hes ready to change.

sam.xxx

sam79

I do think about it, all the time.
My ABF knows a major part of our time together has been ruined by his addiction and has always said i deserve to be happier and be with someone else but its just not that easy.
You may think, what is ther to love about him? but this guy can be so caring and sensitive when hes on top of his cravings and keeping his mind busy. We just couldnt get along better.
He has been better over the last 3 months, even with the odd slip here and there but it seems to be slipping more than i or he would like.
Its make or break over the next month or so, he has to get straight and want to or i doubt this relationship can continue as it is.

Mr B

Sam, you're not an idiot. Or, if you are, then I'd suggest that pretty much everyone here is, too... You made a mistake. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt factory. Alcoholics are stunningly good at knowing which buttons to push to get what they want.

So, let's review where you are. You know he's got a long-standing drink problem, you know that he was previously planning to stop for good - he may even have promised you that - and you know he's now drinking again. He's either going to stop, or his drinking is rapidly going to get as bad as it was back in February. Do you want to go back to that? Or is this the time to think about what you do, and don't, want in your life? Personally, I've had enough of being lied to, betrayed, bullied and emotionally manipulated so I limit contact with my XAGF to the absolute minimum. And god help her if she even thought about asking me for booze money

One final though - you say that he can get in touch when he's ready to change. How about this - he can get in touch when he has changed?

Take care. Mr B.

Silverberry1331

Hi Sam,

I know your anguish...I am ending my 8yr marriage to my AH... I "tried" everything to get him to stay sober. It didn't work. I was never enough...the things I did and say never persuaded him. He has no job, no money, and no place to go. I used to take care of everything for this man. The only thing I can do now is take care of myself and let him make his choices.

Everytime we codies try to rescue, conjole, or fix the situation, we only make it worse. Because we stand in the way of letting that person hit their low point, which may bring them to a more sober place. Seriously, try al-anon, and get some support. Otherwise, you are going to live your entire life with this horrible anguish and anxiety. There IS a peaceful life waiting for you...

sam79

Well no more booze money, EVER! That is one thing i can honestly say, its the last time i'll ever fall for that again.
As for him changing, how do you ever know if they truely have? Never i presume.
I hate the not knowing what is gonna happen in my life. Its not what i planned for.
I honestly thought id be settled by now. Im 29 and what do i have to show for it apart from a good, stable career?

sunnigirl

Hi Sam
Your good stable career is quite an accomplishment considering the circumstances you achieved under. Congrats on that.
Cheers

sam79

Thanks sunnigirl!
My career is the one thing im very proud of, if it wasnt for that i'd have nothing.

McKrazy

this is the word picture that helps me most when I find myself, or FOUND myself thinking it was my job to save my AH or stop his drinking:
Imagine going to a company, parking, getting on your uniform and walking through the door and going to a post and working your A** off for 10 hours at some of the most grueling labor you've ever done.

Then it's time to go and you go to receive your pay. They look at you like you are crazy as they search the records for you.

It turns out that you are not on the payroll, because you were working completely on your own volition. You see, it was never your job and there is no payoff when your try to do it........

Saving him is not your job and there will be no payoff for you to work so hard at it. It's HIS job and it's time for you to do your own job and be the one who earns and reaps the labor of your own labor. It's his to work on his own....... It's so hard to step aside and only do what you were created to do, but it makes sense once you embrace it and start. Good luck to you, my friend!

Bernadette

Hiya Sam--
(((hugs))) --sorry for your struggles right now--

but this guy can be so caring and sensitive when hes on top of his cravings and keeping his mind busy.

We can all say that about our alcoholics. But we don't get to choose the good stuff while denying the fact: This person is an alcoholic. And many of our relationship problems stem from the fact that they will choose every time alcohol over all the other multitude of healthy "normal" relationship behavior choices...

Nothing gets in the way of their drinking.

Keep the snapshot of him today wheedling you for money and lying. Keep that in the front of your mind and NOT the edited "...but he's a wonderful guy" version as you consider how much of your precious love and your energy and your resources you want to give away to this relationship.

Peace,
B.

Tally

I remember my abf manipulating me for money for alcohol, he was really good at it too..He'd have me borrowing money from my mum and walking 20 minutes to her house in the pouring down rain to go get it because I was so worried about him having to go without and withdrawing...yep, he was THAT good. Of course, I'd never dealt with an alcoholic before, didn't realise I was being manipulated and was sincerely worried about him....that was in the very early stages of our relationship before I knew any better.
So you're ahead of the game now as you know when you're being manipulated. If you can see it for what it is it becomes easy to say no and mean it...their manipulation will step up a gear once you start putting your foot down, so be prepared for that, and like what Bernadette said, don't let the occassional good moments make you forget the bad.

Nat x

FormerDoormat

Well, deciding to provide your alcoholic partner with no more booze may seem like setting a boundary or taking action to protect yourself. But I'd like to point out that it is the easiest step to take because it involves little or no action on your part.

The type of boundaries or actions that effected change in my life were much more difficult to enforce. Refusing to buy my boyfriend booze didn't change squat in my life. What changed my life was deciding that I was letting another human being mistreat, mislead, and take advantage of me. And what makes it even worse is that person claimed to love me.

When I stopped allowing this to happen, when I decided that I was waisting my time on a person who was hell-bent on destroying himself and others, when I ended my relationship with an emotionally and often physically non-existent partner, when I started loving myself more and making healthier choices, then my life changed drastically.

Refusing to buy him beer is an attempt to take the easy way out. There is no easy way out since the way out requires that you make difficult changes and choices in your life.

Are you ready to do that or not?

Mair

Hi Sam I got so so tierd of all this type of c--p, i left, and no matter how hard it was and still is at times, i am FREE and HAPPY. I hope you get to join me soon.

Mair