Parents of A Children and Inheritance Issues
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Parents of A Children and Inheritance Issues
Any Parents of A Children Handle Inheritance Issues? A few recent threads got me thinking of this. If any parents in that situation don't mind sharing. What could you do, if anything, to see that any assets or inheritance to you left to your alcoholic child wouldn't be used on booze or drugs? Could a trust be set up that paid for housing, room and board types of things?
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Admittedly, I have never dealt with this issue. But, it seems to me to be just another attempt at control. I think I would either leave them money or not, rather than try to control what they did with it. JMO.
L
L
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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Therotecially, and realizing that you can't control what anyone does with an inheritance or a gift, especially after one is gone. Just thinking...I think that I would not want there to be a possibility that someone could o.d. on a gift that came from me. If I had an a child, I would be concerned about that. However, if they were in recovery and trying to rebuild their life I would want to help. Then of course, one never knows and there are no guarentees. My mom and I discussed theis a few times but there is really no good conclusion we could think of. She is worried that abrother would blow thru everything she worked hard for and kill himself quickly. She said if she left things to me I would be fair about doling it out, but that's not a position I want to be in. Half and half seems fair, regardless of what stage of recovery (or not) that he's in. Anyway it's not something I like to think about but then it's one of those things that if you don't have some plans and discussions about it, it can make a painful time even more painful. I would like to hear how other people handled these things and their reasoning.
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I can understand your thought process, but I still see it as an attempt to control. For example, suppose you figure out a way to make sure the inheritance can only be spent on food and shelter. So that frees up any other money the addict has to go towards their addiction. So, wouldn't that still be financing their addiction? I didn't buy my husband's booze when we were together, but I paid for the mortgage, utilities, and food. That meant he could use "his" money for alcohol. Even though I justified it to myself that I wasn't buying his alcohol, I was still enabling him.
To me, it seems the only way to keep ones assets from being used for addiction is to not give them to an addict.
Again, disclaimer, I have never dealt with this situation.
L
To me, it seems the only way to keep ones assets from being used for addiction is to not give them to an addict.
Again, disclaimer, I have never dealt with this situation.
L
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Inheritance....
Hi :ghug
My brother used his share of our inheitance for alcohol and drugs...He spent about $40,000 in about three months. He also got in trouble with the the police and was put in jail for a month.
The biggest problem is that our Dad left the family home to both of us. I had papers drawn up by my lawyer for my brother to pay the property taxes, the homeowners insurance, and the utilities. Also he needed to keep the house up and do any repairs as they came along.
He did not do any of this but did pay the water & garbage & the PUD once in a while....I paid some of the utilities when they got up to $100 or more for a few months then decided not to keep on enableing him.
I was sent the bills but not the PUD because they aren't allowed to give out information so my brother owes a big bill there.
To make a long story short....I ended up having my lawyer evict my brother & his drug user people from the house. He rented the bedrooms out to them.
In three years time since I last visited him he had the house looking like a crack house like I have seen on tv. I could not believe the mess. The cops came looking for my brother and also the FBI...my brother was living with a sober friend in another area & was hiding out from the police because he had a warrent for his arrest for fines.
I had no idea my brother used drugs but know he drank too much. I also had a problem with alcohol but have been in recovery for 20 years now.
I did sell the house for a three year contract for $76,000 and am using the first monthly payments to pay off the property taxes. We get $800 a month so I have to figure out how much I have paid out of my own money and deduct that from his share which will be $400 a month.
I, too, worry about his getting the $400 a month to go along with his Social Security & a pension from the mill he worked at. But I do not control what he does or doesn't do....he did not call me nor did I see him for three years. The eviction notice got his friend and my friend to call me and I did talk with my brother. He cried so much and said how sorry he was for what he had done to the house....junk and messes piled high everywhere in the house.
When I got the final contract for the house...I made arrangements to meet him in a town about 90 miles from where I live and we went to where he was living and he signed everything with me at a bank notary. I love my brother so much. :ghug
When we get together we talk about all our memories of growing up. We had a very good family life and now we are the only two left of our family. My brother is 66 and I am 68. My husband and I are retired and live a good life now that I am sober.
I wish you luck in finding a way to help...I know people that need help to pay bills and such there is a way to do it through court but that is an iffy plan because you could get someone to do it that is dishonest.
The banks have a way that they will pay the bills from a person's account at their bank. Also they can be paid over the Internet also if you have a computer.
kelsh
My brother used his share of our inheitance for alcohol and drugs...He spent about $40,000 in about three months. He also got in trouble with the the police and was put in jail for a month.
The biggest problem is that our Dad left the family home to both of us. I had papers drawn up by my lawyer for my brother to pay the property taxes, the homeowners insurance, and the utilities. Also he needed to keep the house up and do any repairs as they came along.
He did not do any of this but did pay the water & garbage & the PUD once in a while....I paid some of the utilities when they got up to $100 or more for a few months then decided not to keep on enableing him.
I was sent the bills but not the PUD because they aren't allowed to give out information so my brother owes a big bill there.
To make a long story short....I ended up having my lawyer evict my brother & his drug user people from the house. He rented the bedrooms out to them.
In three years time since I last visited him he had the house looking like a crack house like I have seen on tv. I could not believe the mess. The cops came looking for my brother and also the FBI...my brother was living with a sober friend in another area & was hiding out from the police because he had a warrent for his arrest for fines.
I had no idea my brother used drugs but know he drank too much. I also had a problem with alcohol but have been in recovery for 20 years now.
I did sell the house for a three year contract for $76,000 and am using the first monthly payments to pay off the property taxes. We get $800 a month so I have to figure out how much I have paid out of my own money and deduct that from his share which will be $400 a month.
I, too, worry about his getting the $400 a month to go along with his Social Security & a pension from the mill he worked at. But I do not control what he does or doesn't do....he did not call me nor did I see him for three years. The eviction notice got his friend and my friend to call me and I did talk with my brother. He cried so much and said how sorry he was for what he had done to the house....junk and messes piled high everywhere in the house.
When I got the final contract for the house...I made arrangements to meet him in a town about 90 miles from where I live and we went to where he was living and he signed everything with me at a bank notary. I love my brother so much. :ghug
When we get together we talk about all our memories of growing up. We had a very good family life and now we are the only two left of our family. My brother is 66 and I am 68. My husband and I are retired and live a good life now that I am sober.
I wish you luck in finding a way to help...I know people that need help to pay bills and such there is a way to do it through court but that is an iffy plan because you could get someone to do it that is dishonest.
The banks have a way that they will pay the bills from a person's account at their bank. Also they can be paid over the Internet also if you have a computer.
kelsh
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
In case of my death before my son turns 18 all assets would go into a trust administered by my sister. My ex (much to his dismay) gets NOTHING and would be responsible for supporting our son until he turns 18 after which my sister would use the funds in the trust to pay for his education and needs at her discretion until he turns 23 (to make sure that the A is not getting any of the money).
Unfortunately the state I live in is big on joint legal custody so I cannot give my sister custody of my son but my attorneys know my ex is an A and would help my sister get guardianship if necessary.
My son is 14 so I am not too concerned about dying before he turns 18.
Your mother could set up a trust and put a conservator in control to stop any spending binges.
Unfortunately the state I live in is big on joint legal custody so I cannot give my sister custody of my son but my attorneys know my ex is an A and would help my sister get guardianship if necessary.
My son is 14 so I am not too concerned about dying before he turns 18.
Your mother could set up a trust and put a conservator in control to stop any spending binges.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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excellent thread!!
I've made a will that splits money evenly between offspring. Except the share that would go to AS is actually willed to my brother. I've asked him to just hold onto the money until a time that AS has had five years of good recovery. If AS is still in the life after that, brother can give the money to Teen Challenge or some place that offers long-term rehab at no cost to the addict. I trust my brother, but i know twists and turns can happen. But, being dead, i won't care if the money is not used exactly as I specify - as long as it does not get into the hands of my untreated AS.
I don't want my other adult children to have that kind of responsibility in regards to their addicted sibling because that could tear their relationship apart.
I've made a will that splits money evenly between offspring. Except the share that would go to AS is actually willed to my brother. I've asked him to just hold onto the money until a time that AS has had five years of good recovery. If AS is still in the life after that, brother can give the money to Teen Challenge or some place that offers long-term rehab at no cost to the addict. I trust my brother, but i know twists and turns can happen. But, being dead, i won't care if the money is not used exactly as I specify - as long as it does not get into the hands of my untreated AS.
I don't want my other adult children to have that kind of responsibility in regards to their addicted sibling because that could tear their relationship apart.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Thank you for bringing this issue up. It is very pertinent in my and hubs life.
My daugher, 25, lives an exemplary, responsible life.
His son, 36, is in prison for crack crimes for the 2d time....he went through over $20,000 of his dad's money stealing, dad getting back his pawned work tools, etc etc etc.
My hubs is 14 yrs older than I am. I have looked his son in the eye with a smile on my face and told him I am the sole beneficiary.
We got the first letter from him in months since he has been locked up, looking behind the manipulations, the letter says he wants Dad's houseboat. Which is not finished and I would sell to buy a home. Dad feels guilty and says it is his only son. I say he has not been cheated out of his inheritance, he got it early and spent it. We have antique heirloom furniture from hubs family and I want it to go back to hubs sister or her daughter. Maybe grandaughter from hubs son....but not sure about that. She is only 11. Guess we need to talk to her mother.
It's not like there is going to be much anyway. No money to speak of.
I really resent that boat thing tho'.
Son was out and living with gf in this town for maybe more than a year but never did have time to help dad, who has a bad back, work on it to finish it.
In my head, if we finish the boat and keep it, he can buy it from me.
First in order to do that, he would have to get responsible for the first time in his life. I wouldn't accept payments. That would be STOOPID. If he needs financing, he would have to get it from a bank.
My daugher, 25, lives an exemplary, responsible life.
His son, 36, is in prison for crack crimes for the 2d time....he went through over $20,000 of his dad's money stealing, dad getting back his pawned work tools, etc etc etc.
My hubs is 14 yrs older than I am. I have looked his son in the eye with a smile on my face and told him I am the sole beneficiary.
We got the first letter from him in months since he has been locked up, looking behind the manipulations, the letter says he wants Dad's houseboat. Which is not finished and I would sell to buy a home. Dad feels guilty and says it is his only son. I say he has not been cheated out of his inheritance, he got it early and spent it. We have antique heirloom furniture from hubs family and I want it to go back to hubs sister or her daughter. Maybe grandaughter from hubs son....but not sure about that. She is only 11. Guess we need to talk to her mother.
It's not like there is going to be much anyway. No money to speak of.
I really resent that boat thing tho'.
Son was out and living with gf in this town for maybe more than a year but never did have time to help dad, who has a bad back, work on it to finish it.
In my head, if we finish the boat and keep it, he can buy it from me.
First in order to do that, he would have to get responsible for the first time in his life. I wouldn't accept payments. That would be STOOPID. If he needs financing, he would have to get it from a bank.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
I don't have much . . . for the insurance from my employer I recently changed the designation to 75% to my daughter and 25% to my addict son. I didn't want to cut him off completely, but also know that I have dolled out waaayyy more money to him already than to my daughter. I also did not want her to have to figure out what or what not to give him.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Some might call this control from the grave.
In my opinion it is simply estate planning.
If my 24 yr. old son can not get and stay sober I will not leave him a large amt. of money.
However, I will provide for money to be distributed at certain ages or for certain needs.
It is not something I ever wanted to do, but it is one of the realities of addiction.
In my opinion it is simply estate planning.
If my 24 yr. old son can not get and stay sober I will not leave him a large amt. of money.
However, I will provide for money to be distributed at certain ages or for certain needs.
It is not something I ever wanted to do, but it is one of the realities of addiction.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
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Before doing anything, perhaps you could check into some 'free' legal advice...? Most places have numbers to call to get free advice, and many law offices will give a free 1/2 hr consultation......
Although my legal studies were twenty years ago, I don't believe it's all gone down the toilet....lol Most states frown on 'control from beyond the grave' and will not allow a person to leave 'stuff' to folks w/instructions on how it can, and/or cannot, be used.....HOWEVER.....
...as many here have already stated, Trusts are great. Of course one can't be 'sure' that the trustee one picks will follow one's desires.....one can only hope..... (o: ...and Living Trusts are great too.....I have most of my 'stuff' (car, music, photo equipment.....$$'d stuff) in a living trust, with me as the trustee, and at my death trustee rolls over to_________. It really was quite simple to set up.....at least if werks fer moi..... (o:
NoelleR
Although my legal studies were twenty years ago, I don't believe it's all gone down the toilet....lol Most states frown on 'control from beyond the grave' and will not allow a person to leave 'stuff' to folks w/instructions on how it can, and/or cannot, be used.....HOWEVER.....
...as many here have already stated, Trusts are great. Of course one can't be 'sure' that the trustee one picks will follow one's desires.....one can only hope..... (o: ...and Living Trusts are great too.....I have most of my 'stuff' (car, music, photo equipment.....$$'d stuff) in a living trust, with me as the trustee, and at my death trustee rolls over to_________. It really was quite simple to set up.....at least if werks fer moi..... (o:
NoelleR
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
I don't see this issue as black and white, controlling vs. caring.
One of my best friends has a son who is Autistic, an incurable disease. She went to see an estate planner and I think it was one of the most responsible things she could have ever done. His care will be taken care of until the day he dies. Left to his own devices, he'd spend his entire inheritance at Toys R Us, even at the age of 18.
So, we say alcoholism is an incurable disease. Is it or isn't it? This issue itself is often debated to death, so how could estate planning not also be debatable?
My step-sister inherited some money and blew right through it. She was a long-time dealer and user. She wound up living in squalor, trading sex for drugs, dealing drugs, having druggies over all the time and she was also the mother to two kids. The state got involved and took the kids away periodically but always gave them back. They grew up mostly in seedy hotels.
If her inheritance had been monitored by someone and she at least had lived in a decent house, the kids could have been much better off. As it is, her kids are her. Her daughter had a baby before she even turned 18.
It's your money. You control your money now. You don't pay prepay your car repairs for the next 10 years. You pay as you go. If you had a large sum of money that you had ear-marked for your child, you probably wouldn't hand them a check for the total amount today. So why should that be any different after you die?
I'm sorry, but inheritances in my opinion are gifts or luxuries. Not everybody is going to get one. And not everybody even leaves their money to their kids. Many people give it all to charity. And some people cut other people out of their wills altogether all the time. It's a personal choice what to do with your money. If it makes your mother feel better knowing that her son will at least always have a place to lay his head, than that's her choice. That's as long as she has someone to be the willing executor of her funds. That job could get rough as A's tend to hold lots of resentments anyway and blame, and are manipulative.
One of my best friends has a son who is Autistic, an incurable disease. She went to see an estate planner and I think it was one of the most responsible things she could have ever done. His care will be taken care of until the day he dies. Left to his own devices, he'd spend his entire inheritance at Toys R Us, even at the age of 18.
So, we say alcoholism is an incurable disease. Is it or isn't it? This issue itself is often debated to death, so how could estate planning not also be debatable?
My step-sister inherited some money and blew right through it. She was a long-time dealer and user. She wound up living in squalor, trading sex for drugs, dealing drugs, having druggies over all the time and she was also the mother to two kids. The state got involved and took the kids away periodically but always gave them back. They grew up mostly in seedy hotels.
If her inheritance had been monitored by someone and she at least had lived in a decent house, the kids could have been much better off. As it is, her kids are her. Her daughter had a baby before she even turned 18.
It's your money. You control your money now. You don't pay prepay your car repairs for the next 10 years. You pay as you go. If you had a large sum of money that you had ear-marked for your child, you probably wouldn't hand them a check for the total amount today. So why should that be any different after you die?
I'm sorry, but inheritances in my opinion are gifts or luxuries. Not everybody is going to get one. And not everybody even leaves their money to their kids. Many people give it all to charity. And some people cut other people out of their wills altogether all the time. It's a personal choice what to do with your money. If it makes your mother feel better knowing that her son will at least always have a place to lay his head, than that's her choice. That's as long as she has someone to be the willing executor of her funds. That job could get rough as A's tend to hold lots of resentments anyway and blame, and are manipulative.
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I set up a trust with my brother as executor. He knows my wishes and neither of my sons gets free access to $$ until they are 30. Prior to that it's to be used for education and housing, perhaps invest as long as my brother manages things.
After that, they each get 1/2 of what is left. I will have to leave it in Gods hands as to what they do with it.
Cats
After that, they each get 1/2 of what is left. I will have to leave it in Gods hands as to what they do with it.
Cats
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