Babyo622

I was reading another tread and this statement really hit home for me. See from a very young age I have also been looking for this perfect partner, the one who is loyal, hard worker, supportive, my friend, one who will love me no matter what and who will always be there etc... I guess my ex had a good game and good talk because that he what he said he could provide for me. YEAH RIGHT I got the total opposite…… Now that I look back how in the world did I ever think that my exALBF was this man, the man that I have been dreaming of……omg!!!!!! I really at one point believed he was, that is why I gave so many chances to him. It is like I lived in my own world of what I wanted and I was damn sure that he would fit that role, even if I had to change his whole life to make my dreams come true…..I am such a control freak….. Wow!!! I am so good at fitting square people into round holes…

Quote I read:
“Or even worse, take someone who is obviously not an excellent partner and try to change him into one.......

When you are in a big hurry to get something, you often settle for less than what you want.”

What do I do with this realization now? People have mentioned this to me before that I tend to do this but I guess it never really stuck in my mind like now. I am so scared that I will do it again with someone new. Worse date another addict and still try to make them be what I want, no matter what? I know now that my eyes are open and I pray I find a good man this time.

Startingover2

I saw that statement a few days ago too and really hit home for me also. I have tried and tried for years to make AH what I wanted him to be. In all reality there is no possible way he could or would be that. He didn't want to be that. He hurt me over and over and I just came right back with one 'im sorry' thinking that this time it was going to change. I am dealing with the same problems we had from the get go of our relationship.

I am not looking to fill the spot anymore. I have a 4 month old baby that needs me more and for once her needs are way more important than my own.

cmc

Awareness is a first and very important step towards change. In case you haven't already done so, please take a look at the sticky threads where you will find plenty of resources, book lists and other information.
Change doesn't happen overnight but it can happen. A typical closing statement for Al-Anon is "Keep coming back, it works if you work it; so work it you're worth it."

Babyo622

I guess I just felt when I with my ex ALBF that all he needed was someone to love him and show in the right path to take. However, I know that I was not the only one to date him and no one before seemed to be able to change so why the heck did I think I could. Also, the connection that I felt for him I never felt with anyone before, so that was another reason that made me believe wow this must be “LOVE” this must be the man I was waiting for all my life. He was ideal to me, well at least at first……. With the extreme physical attraction and the tapped emotional connection I though we were in love I now see that I was blinded to the real matter’s at hand. I mean how many chances are you supposed to give someone, how many “I am soooooooooo sorry for hurting you and I never want to do it again” I would be a very rich girl if I collected cash for those words.

LaTeeDa

Some of the most life-changing advice I ever read came from right here on SR. I don't even remember who said it.

Make a list of all the qualities you want in a partner. (ex: honest, reliable, calm under pressure, mature, self-confident) Those are just some of mine, everyone has their own desires.

Then, take the list and use it as a personal goal list. That's right, become the person you want to be with. That is how you attract that person into your life. Like attracts like.

I once read (another quote by Minnie, here on SR) that "the horns on his head perfectly fit the holes in mine." That's how it works. Codependent people subconsciously attract alcoholics/addicts and vice versa. Work on transforming those traits and you will no longer attract dysfunctional people. And even if you do, you will recognize the dysfunction and you will not be attracted to them.

I know it works because I tried it. I've been in a healthy relationship for over a year now.

L

blessed4x

Okay, total "AHA" moment reading this. It is what I've been doing too . I'm learning so much here! I get little glimmers of what it will be like to become a healthy person with healthy relationships and I get really excited about it. I still have those yucky days too, when I wallow in self pity, but I suppose that's part of the process......and I keep telling myself it is a process and not an event.

hbb

I used this term as well in my relationship with my exabf in past posts. I lived that year with him trying to "fix" him into what i wanted him to be, how he should dress, act, love, work, eat, etc....I was DETERMINED that we would work. I visioned that white picket fence with this person (who really didn't exist). It's hard to see when your in it, for me, i thought he was just in a funk and with a little tlc he would be just perfect! Well i was wrong, in the end he left and i think it was too hard to be with me and the wants and desires that i deserved (which wasn't much) but it wasn't him nor his lifestyle!

Now, over a year later, i go into meeting new people with the attitude that if they aren't about 99% of what i'm looking for in a partner that i QUICKLY move along because i'm not going down that same road again, alcoholic or not If i've learned nothing else with my experience, it's that peoples behaviors and traits generally don't change!

Babyo622

WOW I totally feel the same way now. AL or not if they don't have the things I am looking for I am not even wasting my time on them. But is that being to picky maybe now I will be alone.....

I guess even though I realize what went on and wrong within my relationship with my exAL. I also am reading a lot of threads on here and some that I come across are alcoholic who become sober and get in a new relationship that is “so called healthy” one even married a girl after being sober for a year and have been married over 10+ yrs now. I guess that makes me very sad and mad. Because one day my ex may get sober and then he too will go off, marry another woman, and treat her good. While all this time and heartbreak that he caused me will always be a part of me. I do not know what hold this person has on me and why? I have dated many others and not once did I ever think about my ex’s and say omg….. One day they will be happy with someone else, why was it not me? Why do I think this about my ex though? Is it because of all the abuse I endured?

Seeking Wisdom

Strangely the opposite situation happened in my marriage .... my husband pursued me in college, he was the responsible, hard working, truthful level headed person I wanted for a partner. My dad had been an alcoholic and I was adamant about not exposing myself to that horrible self destructive life as an adult .... and that I knowingly never would have married anyone that showed any signs of alcoholism. I had seen close up how miserable life with an alcoholic was.

However ... I married someone that had all the healthy qualities I needed in my life and he fulfilled those behaviors ... and I had no desire to change him into someone else .... and so it remained for seven years. However, in a matter of weeks, he went from having an occasional beer once or twice a month .... to suddenly having alcohol become the focal point of his life every day and dramatically transformed him forever ...and remained that way until the end of his life. In my case I married a round peg that fit into a round hole ... but years later, that round peg chose to evolve into a square one - and our relationship was forever altered and never fit together again.

hbb

Here's what happened to me, it seems very similar to how i was feeling a year ago this very moment....here we go!

J and i started dating 2 years ago this October. By Christmas of that year i was DONE. He was drinking daily, at the bar by 3 p.m. and god knows when i would see him that night after work/gym usually after work because i would skip the gym so i was with him one hour earlier of his drinking binges. My last straw was the night i couldn't find him and when i did he was trashed and getting into his drunk. Now i was once hit and run by a drunk driver so it does NOT fly with me driving that way. So i told myself i was done. I went home, ignored his contact and he came over the next day (3 days before Christmas to boot).

I told him that if he wanted to drink that way that i wasn't the girl for him. Don't get me wrong, i socially drink but he was a constant and would get argumentative and a jerk when drunk which it's my fault to for engaging in fighting with him that way. Anyways, he agreed to start AA that following week after trying to convince me that he could "socially drink". I disagreed.

I remember doing back flips thinking this was it! He was going to be perfect in every way just because he quit drinking Things were ok in the beginning, he eventually got a sponsor but the WHOLE time he was (what i learned later) dry which means that you can take away the alcohol but your still left with ick!! And that's what i had, a miserable, depressed, unmotivated, poor, unwilling dry drunk. He was going through the motions, went to bed at 8 every night. We were miserable together but i thought it would get better.

Well that was 6 months bringing us to June where he came to me wanting a "break", so for the month of June i followed everyone's advice including my own thoughts and backed off from talking/seeing him, which in hindsight is not normal to not talk to your gf for a month. Got a text on my bday, just was getting worse. I remember when he initially came to me and i told him that i had bettered him for someone else as he had been drinking since he was 16, his exgf was into drugs/alcohol. I was a godsend according to his parents. He hadn't ever been sober this long. I then found out that he was away in another state with his exgf for the weekend WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER! Mind you i loaned him $12,000 to consolidate so we could have a "future" together. To this date he still pays me monthly and we haven't spoken a WORD since last July 4th.

So needless to say, my last year has been upside down, to date, he cheated on me, stayed with her, HAD A BABY AND GOT MARRIED all within 9 months of breaking up with me. My point in all of telling you this is that i know that feeling of fixing someone for someone else but it's not the case, he may be better and still sober with my support but he's not healthy and probably still very dysfunctional. He did this while sober and some people just portray poor behavior and that is them regardless of drinking.

You sound like such a loving and caring person, i know it's hard because i don't take my own advice! And i know that someday i will look back and will have the life i deserve and there will be repercussions for his treatment towards me I do wish him well in his recovery and hopes he stays sober. But believe me when i say that i KNOW feeling that "he's going to have this wonderful life and i won't be in it or benefit from it"....not the case, i truly believe that! And if he should i know it's not the life i want for MYSELF!

sorry so long winded ..... whoooaaa!! I see so many newbies and can sooooo relate how they feel and wish i could take away the pain.

hugs to you!
heather

Lilyflower

Ok, what I have learnt is that no one causes anything to happen to me. I make choices, I decide to enter into and stay in unhealthy relationships. I choose not ignore the truth about how my life truely is, live in denial and ignore my reality. I choose to play the victim, the martyr. - Heartbreak is only a part of you forever if you allow it to be.

I can also choose to enter into a healthy relationship. If it turns out not so healthy, I choose to face my reality and make choices to make me healthier. I choose to admit things have not worked out, put it down to experience and move on. I choose to be proactive about my life, take responsiblity for my choices and their consequences.

Bottom line, my life and how I have lived it, all the emotions I am feeling as a consequence of those choices are MINE, they belong to me, they are no one else's doing, fault, or problem to solve.

Another thing I have learnt is that codependancy can be progressive. I have had lots of bad relationships, but only in this most recent one with my abf did I feel like I was going completely insane. Only in this relationship did I feel like I was dying inside, on the floor wailing, each time he walked out on me. Only in this one did I receive so much abuse physical, emotional and verbal.

I now believe that this relationship was soooo much worse than others I have had (even though others were alcoholics & drug users) because my codependancy was getting worse and worse as the years went by, and not because he was a b***ard.

I understand that my life had become unmanageable, I had hit my bottom, I had lost control of my life and myself, and I was ready to take the 1st step and admit that to myself.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx